Abbis Mom

Ilana:She'll think it's, like, a kooky necklace holder or something. She'll never think it's a dildo.

Abbi:Oof, that hurts my heart.

Abbi:Just 'cause I don't call my mom 'Abbi's Mom.'

Ilana:And then top it all off with a fancy dinner at Sushi Mambeaux!

Ilana:So, I appreciate you cutting the cheese.

Ilana:Cut the cheese, shit! I haven't said that since, like, 1997.

Ilana:Oh! Whoa! Yes, oh, my God! Thank God, I'm so sorry about that. Whoo! Okay. Back, baby, I'm back!

Ilana:Thank science for SAD lamps. Why don't they just call them happy lamps 'cause, like, sad lamps sounds so... sad.

Ilana:It stands for 'Seasonal Affective Disorder,' which indicates the annual cycle of depression that I and others like me experience every winter, all winter. And fall. And, like, uh... the end of summer too.

Ilana:It's that sadness. You know, that chews us up and spits us out into the black abyss.

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana, maybe you just increase your medication? No, no, no, I don't need to do that. 'Cause I have been steadily decreasing my dosage of antidepressants for two years.

Ilana · Abbi:Remember that?! And it is working like a charm. Yeah, seems like it's working. Well...

Abbi:She'll be okay. [beat/pause]

Joanne (Abbi's Mom):My little garbage pail girl!

Abbi:Okay, it was just a phase. For a couple years.

Joanne · Abbi:Oh, gosh, everything looks so clean. Yeah. It's basically just some glue, toothpicks. And I just did little designs 'cause I wanted you to see what kinds of cheeses that it was.

Joanne · Abbi:So, what are we gonna do today? Well, you know, I would love to take you to my studio space. Uh, but I'm actually renting it out, so...

Abbi:Phie is the name of the artist that I'm renting it to, Sophie. She is just, like, she's super funky.

Joanne · Abbi:Abbi, we need to be honest with each other. Yeah, you know what, she's not, she's not that funky. She's, like, a pretty mainstream artist. Abbi, stop. I meant me. I need to be honest with you.

Joanne:I've never, um, had a martini. I never went to a play at night. Matinees. I've never had a pineapple barbecue pizza thing from Hawaii. I've never gone without underwear. I wanna wear clothes meant for black women.

Abbi:That's an interesting one.

Bevers · Abbi:Did you call me?! Bevers! No! What? Oh, shh, uh... Bevers, Jesus!

Abbi:When do I ever call you?

Joanne · Bevers · Abbi:Well, I'm Joanne. Joanne? I'm Matthew. Or Abbi's mom is how you should introduce yourself.

Bevers:Joanne, until next time.

Joanne · Bevers · Abbi:Oh, well... Okay. Yes, until next time. Your scarf. Thanks. Cute. Mom? Furry little bear.

Marcel:Bonjour! Listen up, hunties. It's that time of year. Spring cleaning.

Unnamed Waiter:I owe so much money to so many bad people. I'll need two weeks because I have to relocate.

Marcel:You are all enemies now.

Ilana:Have you guys ever fallen asleep here and just spent the night? If you ever have to, it's surprisingly not soul crushing.

Ilana:You know what would be really nuts? I was thinking maybe we could split an app or, like, get a charcuterie plate. But I don't think we need to do anything too... crazy.

Ilana:The dress. [visual beat of Ilana in a striking outfit]

Ilana · Marcel:Smells like a winning kind of night, baby! I'm glad you think so, tiny tits.

Ilana · Abbi:You are an AMILF, Abbi's mom, I'd like to... Friend! Oh. Friend! Yeah, friends. We're just friends. Yeah.

Ilana · Abbi · Joanne:There's my favorite ass. / Joanne? Oh. / Look at you, Joanne. / Hey, pretty girl. / Wow, Mama, you look so hot. / Your body is amazing, dude! / Really?

Ilana:Well, let me take you to your table before I, uh, do something really weird.

Joanne · Ilana:What is good to drink here? Oh, um, there's, uh, an espresso matcha tea, if you wanna get a little buzzy. What is that? Oh, this is, uh, the Mambeaux-Tini. It's our signature cocktail. It has alcohol in it.

Joanne · Abbi:Oh, my God! Bad girls! Yeow! Let's do shots. I have never done that. Um... Okay, yeah, let's do shots, I guess.

Joanne:Well, you know, I don't think I've had hard liquor s... Well, since I got pregnant with you.

Abbi · Joanne:Did you finish it? Why do people do this? I don't think anyone knows. It's a mystery.

Joanne:Let's do another one.

Unnamed Waiter:Well, uh, you all look like you have money to burn and machismo to measure.

Unnamed Waiter:Let's just say they eat Sushi Mambeaux caviar in Michelin!

Ilana:All winter... And fall. The end of summer too.

Ilana:You know, move. It's, like, uh, pigs eating slop out of a trough at a country fair. Being measured for our weight in bacon.

Ilana · Abbi:Please work, please work, please work... [beat] Ilana? Jesus. Dude, is this as bright as it was before? I'm not feeling it! Uh, it's pretty bright. It's just not doing it for me, man. I can't get the juice.

Ilana:Oh, yeah. Oh, keep 'er coming. Oh, my God, that is amazing. Jeez! Oh, that's good. Ass of an angel. Mind of mental health MacGyver!

Abbi · Ilana:Okay, no, listen, my mom, like, apparently had a lump in her breast, and she didn't tell me about it. It's fine now, it's fine. But, like, it really scared the shit out of me.

Ilana:I know, I have a timeless classic for you. Y'amagine?

Abbi · Ilana:You really know your way around that stuff, huh? Not really. Okay, I smoke, like, sometimes. All right, I smoke... I smoke a lot.

Ilana:I'm gonna light it, and you're gonna take a gasp like Dad asked you to get back together.

Ilana:Not I think about that at night.

Joanne:My head feels like a balloon. Like one of those allergy commercials.

Joanne · Abbi:You know who else I think smokes a lot of this? Who? Charlie Rose. Oh, my God. That voice and the way he shoots the show like he's in a black hole. Yeah, there's no walls. Right. It's just table. God, I would not wanna (bleep) him.

Abbi · Joanne:Dude, I don't think I've ever heard you say (bleep) like that before. Well, there it is.

Joanne · Abbi:It's so funny for you to call me a dude. Well, not, like, a dude. Just, like, dude. Like, anyone can be a dude. It's just like a friend thing. Aww... Well, then, cool... dude.

Ilana:Let me tell you something. Life is trash. [extended pause/beat]

Joanne:It just tastes better. Like, stuff just tastes better, right? / I'm pot.

Joanne · Abbi:How many men have you slept with? Whoa, okay, um... I don't know if I wanna, like...

Joanne · Abbi:Paul Kafferty, my first boyfriend who I think was gay anyway. Your father. And now Neil. Okay. My 'husband,' Neil. You are married.

Joanne:We haven't made love in over a month. And if we're being honest, it's more like making like.

Joanne:I just wish I would've (bleep) up a little more. I wish I would've (bleep) a little more.

Joanne:I never had sex with a man who didn't speak English. Not even an ESL guy.

Joanne · Abbi:You know, I've never even had anal sex. I mean, not even a finger. I mean, it's not really something you can ask for. Well, you just have to actually just ask for it.

Joanne:Last week, I penetrated myself with a bottle of cough syrup.

Abbi:Okay. Get out of the way! [Abbi exits rapidly]

Abbi · Ilana:Dude, your tinfoil is broke! Okay, uh, dude, my mom just told me she's, like, really sexually frustrated and that she (bleep) a bottle of cough syrup last week.

Abbi:I'm, like, I don't know if I can, like, handle this level of honesty. I'm, like, is this what being an adult is 'cause this is terrifying.

Ilana · Abbi:That is really, really... Really, really sad. That is so sad. Okay, dude, dude, dude, what do you need from me? Bulbs.

Ilana:Ahh! Oh! Okay, here we go. O-M-G! Serotonin rising. Dopamine flowing! Yes! Oh! It's working, dude, it's working.

Ilana · Abbi:Whoo! 32! My daughter fucked 32 guys. Oh, my God. Oh, God, no, please, no.

Joanne:I'm pot!

Marcel:Look, I don't know what kind of Strong Island honkies you brought up in here, Other Tonya, but this is not Billy Joel's go-to Dave and Buster's, okay?

Ilana:I'm, I'm sorry, Marcel. I wasn't on top of it, and I just... don't care. I'm feeling really depressed from the winter, and I'm just... numb. Do what you gotta do. I honestly don't give a shit. You should fire me.

Marcel · Ilana:Oh, okay, you play... You playin' me right now, ain't you? Marcel, seriously. Take my tips. Do whatever you gotta do. Oh, please, man, you are a... You are a career hustler. Whatever it is you're doing is working on me.

Marcel · Ilana:You know what? I want you to pick (bleep) me. Get in there. Go on! Wait a minute? Are you for real?

Marcel:But this depression shit. That's, that's next level bitchy. I'm kind of digging it. My dick is a little bit hard. I hope you never get better.

Ilana:Thanks.

Abbi · Joanne · Unnamed Man:Mom! Mom! Oh, my God, Mom, stop it! What, Abbi, go! Are you kidding me right now! Stop it! Oh! This slut! Again? Ha! He called me a slut! Yes!

Marcel:I need to go back to med school. And rehab. Owen! Owen! Owen, you're fired!

Owen/restaurant staff · Marcel:I need to go back to med school. / And rehab. / Owen! Owen! Owen, you're fired!

Owen · Marcel:Marcel! I blew you, dude! And? (Bleep) this! I'm out.

Joanne:I kissed a bisexual man with tongue.

Ilana/restaurant voiceover-style:Sushi Mambeaux. / Always celebrating cultural, fluid exchanges.

Marcel:Your ass is fired too! [shouted into distance]