Classy Christmas

Michael:Okay everyone, on the count of three, we all jump at the same time. One... two... three!

Michael:Why didn't anyone jump? Let's try again. One... two... three!

Dwight:I was ready.

Michael:One more time, people. This is important. One... two... three!

Michael:Okay, you know what? That's fine. We'll just Photoshop it.

Michael:This camera must be broken. Stanley, you're barely in any of these photos.

Stanley:I was jumping.

Michael:Well, the camera didn't catch it. We need to get this thing fixed.

Michael:Okay everyone, we need to coordinate the photos for the company directory. Erin, you're in charge.

Erin:Oh my gosh, yes! I'm so excited! I have SO many ideas! We could do themed photos, or props, or matching outfits, or—

Michael:Erin, Erin, we just need simple headshots.

Erin:Simple?! But Michael, that's boring! What if we made it FUN? Like, what if everyone had to smile with their eyes? Or we did it in black and white? Or sepia tone?

Michael:No, no sepia. Just… normal photos.

Erin:OH! What about hats?! Everyone in hats! Or wigs! Professional wigs!

Michael:We're not doing wigs, Erin.

Jim:We've taken like a hundred photos. At what point do we just accept that this is as good as it's gonna get?

Jim:I mean, we all look fine. We're not getting any younger. We should just—

Jim:Actually, one more. I wasn't smiling with my eyes.

Pam:As the new head of party planning, my first act is to eliminate the committee entirely.

Pam:I shut down the committee because in the best case scenario, we'd get a vending machine.

Michael:Stanley, you seem a little tense. Everything okay?

Stanley:I'm fine, Michael.

Michael:Are you sure? Because you look like you want to murder me.

Michael:Stanley, you seem happy today. What's going on?

Stanley:I'm completely content. They started serving pretzel day every Friday.

Michael:You know what's great about this office? No drama. Everyone just gets along, does their work, goes home. It's mature. It's professional.

Michael:No one's fighting, no one's having secret relationships, no one's conspiring against anyone else. It's actually really boring— I mean, it's great. It's really great.

Michael:I mean, don't get me wrong, drama-free is the way to go. Definitely. That's what I want. Absolutely.

Kelly:I got you a phone sleeve!

Kevin:Thanks, but I don't even own a phone.

Kelly:Why does everyone always attack me? It's so racist.

Kelly:I'm not saying you're racist, I'm just saying racism is everywhere and I'm the victim of it.

Darryl:My daughter's favorite shows? She loves all that kids' stuff. SpongeBob, Disney Channel, whatever. I try to watch it with her, you know, bond over it.

Darryl:But I'm sitting there like an awkward middle-aged man trying to relate. 'Oh yeah, SpongeBob lives in a pineapple under the sea. Cool. Very realistic.' She's just looking at me like I'm an idiot.

Dwight:Oh, snow! How wonderful! Let me just stop everything I'm doing to gaze at frozen water falling from the sky like some kind of simpering fool.

Dwight:Perhaps I'll build a snowman, name him Gerald, and we'll be best friends forever. We'll skip through fields of white powder hand in hand, singing songs of winter joy!

Dwight:Reality: it's wet, it's cold, it's a traffic hazard, and it'll be gone in three days anyway.

Jim:Dwight, it's just snow.

Dwight:Jim, you can't just throw snowballs inside the office. It's unprofessional and it's creating a mess.

Jim:Dwight, relax. It's just a little snow. It's not a big deal.

Dwight:Not a big deal? Jim, this is exactly the kind of childish behavior that undermines workplace productivity.

Jim:You know what, Dwight? False. It's actually improving morale. Fact.

Dwight:What?! There's a rock in here! A rock!

Meredith:Oh my God, you're such a baby.

Dwight:I challenge you to a snowball fight.

Andy:Oh, you're on! I'm gonna destroy you, Schrute!

Dwight:You throw like a girl.

Andy:Oh yeah? Well—

Dwight:A girl with no athletic ability.

Angela:I'm dating a state senator now.

Oscar:A state senator? Angela, there are like 50 of those. That's not impressive. That's like bragging you're dating a guy with a car.

Angela:I have connections in government. My cousin works in the Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Oscar:Angela, that's like bragging that your uncle works at a Cinnabon in an airport.

Angela:This is going to be all over the news. CNN, Fox News, every major network will be covering this.

Oscar:Angela, it's a bake sale.

Toby:I'm taking a leave of absence.

Michael:Finally, the boring police are arresting one of their own.

Michael:Okay, everyone, we're going to have a trial. Toby is on trial for crimes against humanity.

Dwight:I'll be the executioner.

Michael:Perfect. Bailiff, bring in the defendant.

Michael:Toby Flenderson, you are accused of being the worst thing about the Worst Thing About the company. How do you plead?

Michael:Guilty? I'm shocked. The jury finds you guilty on all counts.

Dwight:Death penalty.

Michael:Yes! Death penalty. Dwight, you may now carry out the sentence.

Jim:So what's this high-profile case you're working on?

Toby:I can't really discuss the details of ongoing cases.

Jim:Come on, just give me something.

Toby:It's confidential. You know that.

Jim:Dude, you're rubbing your neck. You always do that when you're lying.

Toby:I'm not— I'm just... it's a little warm in here.

Toby:I think the Strangler might be someone we know. Someone... close to the neck-t of things.

Michael:That doesn't even make sense.

Jim:Yeah, that's not a pun.

Dwight:Terrible.

Toby:I'm a neck guy.

Jim:That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Michael:She has this laugh that just lights up the room. Her eyes sparkle when she smiles. She's brilliant, she's beautiful, she's everything I've ever wanted.

Erin:Oh my God, are you talking about me?

Michael:No, Erin.

Erin:Oh, thank God.

Michael:You know, in a weird way, the Strangler brought Holly back to Scranton. So... thanks, Strangler. I mean, not for the strangling. But for the... unintended consequences.

Michael:The name is Bond. James Bond. Ho ho ho.

Jim:That's not even the right James Bond actor.

Michael:What are you talking about? I'm doing Roger Moore.

Jim:You're doing Sean Connery.

Michael:Santa's a symbol of Christmas.

Jim:You're doing that thing where you move your leg back and forth like you're trying to start a motorcycle that won't turn over.

Jim:So your senator boyfriend can't get you out of a parking ticket?

Angela:He's a state senator, Jim. He doesn't handle parking tickets.

Jim:Well, what's the point of dating a senator then?

Michael:A fake Christmas tree? No, no, no. That's not happening. Do you know what happens in New Hampshire when you bring a fake tree into your home? The locals think you're a racist.

Andy:I can't help with the Christmas tree. I'm gonna be honest, I'm not really a Christmas guy.

Jim:Andy, the office is already co-ed.

Andy:My Prius is supposed to save the environment, but it can't even fit a Christmas tree in it.

Andy:So I'm out here with a tree strapped to the roof of an eco-friendly car. How is that helping the environment?

Andy:Darryl and I have a special bond. We're like brothers.

Pam:Andy, he's our coworker.

Darryl:She wants a phone. I don't know, man. I feel like I'm failing as a dad.

Darryl:No. I need my truck for work. And personal use. Mostly personal use. I got a lot of Christmas shopping to do, and I need that truck bed for all my purchases. Plus, you never know when you might need to haul something unexpected. It's the holidays, man. My truck stays with me.

Dwight:Holly Flax. No Facebook, no Twitter, no LinkedIn profile. It's like she doesn't exist on the internet.

Dwight:That's not normal. That's a red flag. A huge red flag.

Dwight:In this day and age, if you're not online, what are you hiding? What don't you want people to know?

Toby:Finally, everyone's paying attention to me. They care about what I have to say.

Toby:Wait... they think I'm the Scranton Strangler.

Dwight:My nipples are very sensitive to the cold.

Jim:I got her good. Text message came through: 'You've been iced.'

Michael:Holly, is that you?

Holly:Michael! Oh my God!

Michael:I do the Pacino: 'Say hello to my little friend.'

Holly:I do the Pacino too: 'You think you're better than me?'

Michael:Wait, do the Schwarzenegger.

Holly:I'll be back.

Michael:That's amazing. Okay, Bogart.

Holly:Here's looking at you, kid.

Michael:We're so similar.

Michael:Ahhhhh! Get it off! Get it off me!

Holly:Michael, stop it!

Michael:It's got me! It's attacking!

Holly:These decorations are really nice. They remind me of the Christmas party at the Chili's where my mom works.

Holly:My boyfriend got me this really nice gift.

Michael:Oh wow, that's great. What is it?

Holly:A scarf.

Michael:A scarf? That's... that's a nice gift. I mean, it's practical. Keeps you warm. Who needs that? Everyone.

Michael:You know what I realized? Slinky Dog is actually the most important character in Toy Story. Think about it - he's the one holding everything together. Without Slinky, Woody and Buzz would just fall apart.

Michael:I'm serious. That's why he's always there, coiling and uncoiling. He's like the glue of the group. I relate to that.

Holly:A.J. didn't know what a ELF was. Like the movie. He'd never seen it.

Michael:What? Holly, that's... that's impossible. That's like not knowing what Christmas is. That's like not knowing what a candy cane is. That's basically a crime against humanity.

Holly:I know, right?

Michael:I mean, Will Ferrell? Come on! That movie changed my life, Holly. That movie CHANGED. MY. LIFE.

Holly:A.J. used to do this thing where he'd...

Michael:Oh, Randy Newman! I love Randy Newman.

Holly:Yeah, Randy Newman is great.

Michael:So great. 'Short People'... classic.

Holly:The best.

Andy:I totally understand where you're coming from, Darryl. Being a parent is tough. My grandmother practically raised me, and I was so attached to her, I couldn't even go to summer camp without calling her every single day. In fact, I was so dependent on her that when she passed away, I had to take three months off work just to process my emotions.

Darryl:She found out that Santa isn't real.

Pam:Well, yeah. He's not.

Holly:Who told you I'd be single?

Michael:Nobody told me. I just assumed. You know, like in the movies when the guy sees the girl and he's like, 'I'm gonna get that girl.' Well, I saw you and I was like, 'I'm gonna get that girl.' And then I found out you were with Jan, so I was like, 'Well, I'll wait.' Because that's what happens in the movies. The guy waits.

Meredith:I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either he stops drinking or I leave him. He chose drinking. So I just... started drinking with him. Now we have something in common.

Dwight:I have 47 wigs. Each one is a different identity. If the government ever comes for me, they won't know which Dwight they're looking for. I could be a redhead. I could be bald. I could be a woman.

Toby:You know, Pam, while I appreciate the effort, this comic book suffers from some fundamental structural problems. The narrative arc is underdeveloped, the character motivations are unclear, and the illustration technique shows a lack of formal training.

Pam:It's a homemade gift.

Toby:Exactly my point. If you're going to create art, you need to understand the principles of composition, color theory, and anatomical accuracy. Otherwise, what's the point?

Jim:Yeah, it's... it's good to see them happy. I mean, long distance is tough, but if they can make it work... Pam and I made it work when I was in Philly.

Pam:Snowball fights can be dangerous. You could lose an eye, or get a concussion.

Pam:Although, if Meredith's face got shaved off, that would be pretty funny.

Toby:So I'm watching my girlfriend, and she's just standing there in the kitchen, right? And the light is hitting her face just perfectly. And I'm thinking, this is it. This is the moment. Like in the movies, you know? She's just... she's just making a sandwich. But the way she's spreading the mayo... it's like she's painting the Sistine Chapel. And then she looks up at me, and our eyes meet, and I swear to God, I heard a string section swell up.

Angela:Oh, Pam. Did you make this yourself?

Pam:Yes, I did.

Angela:Well, it's very... resourceful. Times must be really tough at home.

Holly:Okay, so someone vandalized the Woody doll. In this office, during Christmas time, Toy Story rules apply. That means Andy is in charge, and if Woody gets damaged, he goes to the incinerator.

Angela:That's not how this works.

Holly:Actually, it is. Check the employee handbook. It's right after the section on tinsel.

Michael:Holly, you can't just ignore what we had. You were crazy about me in the Sandals Jamaica trip.

Holly:That was different, Michael. I was confused.

Michael:Confused? You said you wanted to have my babies!

Holly:I was emotional. I didn't mean—

Michael:So now you're with A.J.? The guy who doesn't even know who you are?

Holly:He knows me perfectly fine.

Michael:Holly, you just said you don't even like his jokes. You laughed at every single one of my jokes!

Holly:Because I loved you, Michael. That was different.

Erin:Holly would never do that! She's the sweetest person in this office.

Erin:Well, okay, except for that time she didn't say 'bless you' when I sneezed. But that was probably just a one-time thing!

Jim:What is this?

Dwight:Oh, I got you a little something, buddy.

Jim:A bobblehead? Of me?

Dwight:That's right, pal. Now you can watch yourself nod in agreement all day long.

Jim:This is ridiculous.

Dwight:I thought you'd appreciate it, chief.

Stanley:Jury duty? That's what I'm talking about. Getting paid to judge people. That's the dream.

Stanley:Finally, a job where my natural talent for telling people they're wrong is actually an asset.

Angela:What is the capital of Mongolia?

Jada:Um... I don't know.

Angela:Wrong. You lose Christmas.

Jada:But this is a children's game!

Angela:Not anymore.

Darryl:Yeah, I'm just gonna unplug it.

Oscar:The Senator is gay.

Oscar:Among other things.

Pam:Oh my god, Jim... I can't believe you did this for me.

Jim:What? It's no big deal. I'm basically a romantic genius.

Toby:You know, relationships based on ultimatums never work out.

Michael:Really? Why not?

Toby:Well, because if someone has to threaten to leave you to get you to change, they're probably going to leave you anyway.

Dwight:I will end this snowball war, but only on one condition.

Dwight:You have to hit Pam in the face with a snowball. Right now. For my entertainment.

Jim:What? No!

Dwight:Those are my terms.

Michael:Holly, I got you something special for Christmas.

Holly:Oh Michael, that's so sweet!

Michael:Open it.

Holly:Wait, this is... this is the same Dundie you gave to Erin last year.

Michael:No it's not.

Holly:Michael, there's a receipt in here from 2009 with Erin's name on it.

Michael:That's probably just... someone else named Erin.

Holly:Well, what happened was... Woody fell off the shelf, and then I picked him up, but my hands were wet because I had just been making a salad. And it wasn't just any salad, it was a composed salad with arugula, radicchio, and a balsamic vinaigrette that I had been whisking for exactly three minutes. So when I grabbed Woody, the dressing dripped all over him, and then I panicked and tried to dry him with a paper towel, but I used the decorative ones from the guest bathroom, not the regular ones, because those are softer, and well... that's how his arm got bent.

Dwight:False. I have been planning this snow attack for three years. Every detail has been carefully considered. The psychological warfare, the tactical advantage, the element of surprise.

Jim:Dude, it's just a snowball.

Dwight:You underestimate the power of snow. In the words of Sun Tzu, 'All warfare is based on deception.' This snowball is merely the physical manifestation of my superior intellect and battle strategy.

Dwight:You have already lost, Jim. The moment you woke up this morning, you lost.