Second Chunce

April:I have jet lag so bad, I mowed the lawn at 2 AM.

Ben:At 2 in the morning?

April:The neighbors loved it.

April:He fell asleep during sex. I just laid there thinking, 'Well, this is a new low.' But then I realized... I was kind of into it. Phrasing.

Andy:May the forks be with you... I love you, spaghetti...

April:Andy, wake up.

Andy:What? No, five more minutes.

April:We need to go. Now.

Andy:Fine, fine. I'm up.

April:You're not even awake yet.

Andy:Yes I am. I'm totally awake.

April:You're still lying down.

Andy:Okay, you know what? Spray me with the hose.

April:What?

Andy:Just spray me with the hose. That'll wake me up.

April:We're inside.

Andy:I know. Do it anyway.

April:I'm going to spray you with this hose.

Andy:Yes! Do it! I love it!

Ron:I'm already being supportive. I showed up today.

Tom:Never get Leslie wine. She'll drink the whole bottle and start talking about how she's gonna run for president again.

Ben:Leslie wants to make the world a better place. She wants to help people and build meaningful relationships.

Ben:Oh God, that's what everyone wants. I just described every human being. Why would anyone ask that? What am I doing?

Ben:City Council chambers is your home away from home.

Jeremy:Well, actually, my home away from home is my architect-designed property in Zurich.

Leslie:The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Leslie:But I've identified seven additional stages: negotiating with a higher power you don't believe in, calling your mother, stress-eating an entire rotisserie chicken, Googling 'am I dying,' watching videos of people adopting dogs, considering a complete life overhaul in Costa Rica, and finally, buying a decorative throw pillow that says 'Live, Laugh, Love.'

Leslie:There are actually seven stages of grief, not five. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance... and two others I don't remember because I skipped them.

Jeremy:I'm really going to miss you, Leslie. But hey, look on the bright side – at least you'll finally get to meet Beyoncé.

Leslie:Jeremy, I'm moving to Colorado, not to heaven.

Jeremy:Right, right. Well, when you're there, maybe you'll run into Ryan Gosling at the grocery store or something.

Leslie:That's... that's not how anything works.

Jeremy:I'm just trying to stay positive. Plus, Oprah's probably in Denver all the time.

Leslie:I have no idea what you just said, but I'm 87% sure it was insane.

Leslie:I'm fine. Everything is fine. I'm just going to go to my office and be fine alone.

Leslie:I love singing.

Jeremy:I went to Northwestern. I can teach you.

Dr. Saperstein:You're a poopy-head. You're a doo-doo face. You're a buttmunch.

Lawyer:Successful people use money to solve problems.

Tom:So I should buy a jet ski?

Lawyer:That'll be $10,000.

Tom:Okay, what if I do it for the story?

Lawyer:No.

Tom:For the exposure?

Lawyer:No.

Tom:For the clout?

Dr. Saperstein:Look at the symmetry on this one. This kid's gonna be a superhero.

Leslie:What? Based on what?

Dr. Saperstein:Symmetry. It's the most important thing. Asymmetrical people become villains. It's science.

Dr. Saperstein:I'm like the most beloved man in this town. Everybody loves me.

Ben:What if we don't find out? We could be surprised.

Leslie:Ben, there are two options.

Ben:I know, but what if there's a third thing?

Leslie:There's not a third thing.

Ben:But what if science has come up with something new? A third gender baby?

Ann:I'm hungry.

Ann:Actually, I'm starving. And nauseous. And my feet hurt. And I'm exhausted. And everything smells like pennies. And I think I just felt the baby kick, or maybe I'm just having a stroke. But sure, let's go with pregnancy.

Larry:Good to be Larry.

Tom:No it's not.

Ron:Luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures. I don't believe in luck. I believe in preparation, and I believe in Ron Swanson.

Tom:Look, I was just making observations. First of all, you're not a millennial anymore, you're a geriatric millennial.

Tom:Then you become a senior millennial, which is basically a boomer.

Tom:Then you're a proto-grandpa.

Tom:Then you're a full grandpa.

Tom:Then you're a mega grandpa.

Tom:Then you're a death grandpa, and that's when you die.

Jerry:I got my profit share check!

Ben:That's great, Jerry. How much?

Jerry:It says here it's made out to 'Garry Gergich.'

April:That's not even close to your name.

Jerry:I know! But I've been cashing checks with that name for three years now.

Ben:Wait, your actual name is...?

Jerry:Larry. It's Larry. But everyone calls me Jerry.

April:So your name is Larry, but we call you Jerry, and the government calls you Garry?

Jerry:Yes.

Andy:I'd like to order a singing telegram for a funeral.

Telegram Service:Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. What song would you like?

Andy:Do you have anything from Schindler's List?

Ben:There'll be other salt packets.

Leslie:But will they be *iodized*?

Dexhart:I've had relations with a woman at Applebee's in the bathroom.

Dexhart:And I may have Applebee's'd her.

Dexhart:Am I a bad boy?

Dexhart:Because I've been very bad and I need to be punished.

Dexhart:I use aliases. Like... Dr. Schlongenberg.

Dexhart:Or Captain Dong Thunderstick.

Dexhart:Or... The Penetrator General Von Dongenstein.

Ben:It's basically a raccoon shantytown.

Tom:Okay, so we partner with a local restaurant, right? They give us 20% off appetizers. We take those savings and reinvest them into a premium smoothie line. The smoothie line attracts health-conscious millennials. Those millennials are also interested in cryptocurrency, so we pivot to blockchain consulting. Blockchain consulting leads us naturally into luxury watch repair. And luxury watch repair is just one step away from owning our own clock tower. Clock towers are basically just big Ben. Big Ben is in London. London is where the Royal Family lives. The Royal Family has a lot of money. Money is what we need. Therefore, this plan is foolproof.

Entrepreneur:This is going to revolutionize the way people do math. It's a calculator... combined with a vibrator. I call it the 'Calculator.'

Ron:A phone-bacus. So you've taken the two least efficient technologies of all time and combined them into one product.

Tom:Okay, so I've been thinking about starting a new business venture. It's called 'Rent-A-Swag.' You rent me, and I come to your event and I'm just... swag.

Entrepreneur:That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

Tom:Wait, wait, hear me out. What if we did it backwards? You pay me not to come?

Entrepreneur:No.

Tom:What if I just stood outside your business and looked cool?

Entrepreneur:No.

Tom:What if—

Entrepreneur:No.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you just sneeze all over this? That's disgusting, man. There's like a million boogers on here.

Ann:Here are some cute girls' names: Emma, Olivia, Sophia...

Ann:And then it just becomes: Broccoli, Cantaloupe, Half a Chicken...

Ann:I'm pregnant and crazy. I will hurt you.

Ann:But thank you for the offer.

Shauna:I know he's a terrible person, but I genuinely believe I could fix him. Like, I'm pretty sure all he needs is a good woman and he'd completely turn his life around.

Shauna:I'm not saying it would be easy, but I think with enough patience and love, I could change him into a decent human being.

Tom:April, I need business ideas. What do you got?

April:Poison.

Tom:Poison? That's not a business.

April:It could be. You could poison people, and then sell them the antidote.

Ron · Larry/Garry/Jerry:Ron announces he'll 'hit the can' during Larry's pitch — Larry then sneezes all over everyone

Andy:Okay, okay, I've got a business idea. What if we made a restaurant, but get this... the food was invisible.

Andy:And people would pay full price, but they'd just be eating air. We'd call it 'The Emperor's Table.'

Andy:I think we'd make a killing.

Leslie:I made a campaign banner from recycled materials I found behind the community center. It says 'Lesli Knope for City Council: We Can Do This Together' — wait, why does it say 'Lesli'? And what does 'Garbageman Forever' mean? That's not even... oh God, I think I glued newspaper clippings upside down.

Chris:I'm going to have a boy.

Ben:That's great, Chris!

Chris:I know. I've been picturing it — me and my son, playing catch in the backyard, teaching him about nutrition and self-improvement.

April:That's disturbing.

Chris:Why? What's disturbing about that?

April:I don't know, the image of you in shorts throwing a ball around.

Chris:Well, that's not going to stop me. I'm still going to do it.

Ann:I can't read this. What does this say? Is that a... is that a foot? Or a... or a butt?

Leslie:It's definitely a foot.

Ann:Well, I don't know! I've never seen an ultrasound before. For all I know, the baby could be a blob.

Leslie:I'm running for City Council!

Everyone:[complete silence]

Leslie:So that's a yes from everyone. Great! I can feel the energy in this room.

April:Look, I want to tell you to just wing it and embrace the chaos, but I know that's terrible advice. So instead I'm going to tell you the responsible thing: make a detailed plan, stick to it, and don't deviate. Also, I'm lying. Wing it. Chaos is fun.

Andy:Leslie, you're going to do great in this campaign. You just need to believe in yourself and remember why you're doing this in the first place.

Andy:Also, I've been stealing office supplies for three years and I think someone finally noticed because Jerry asked me about my stapler yesterday.

Ron:Leslie, you can't just run for office. It requires strategy, patience, and a willingness to compromise your principles.

Leslie:Well, you're a big stupid butt, Ron!

April:You're upset because I'm more successful than you. I have a better job, I make more money, I have better health insurance, my car is newer, my apartment is nicer, I've read more books, I've been to more countries, I speak more languages, my skin is clearer, I'm taller, I'm faster, I'm stronger, and I'm significantly better looking.

April:I'm the Deputy Director of the Parks Department.

Tom:You're the only one in the Parks Department.

Talking Tissue:You can do it!

Tom:It really works!

Jean-Ralphio:Hey baby, what's your name?

Ann:I'm pregnant.

Jean-Ralphio:That's cool, that's cool. So what do you say we get out of here?

Jean-Ralphio:I'm very open-minded. I call 'em like I see 'em. Ann, you're beautiful. Chris, you're beautiful.

Saperstein's son:Dad, the TV is broken. It keeps showing these weird channels.

Saperstein's son:Well, I was looking for ESPN, but I accidentally hit some buttons and now there's all these... instructional videos.

Saperstein's son:They're about, um, physical education. Very physical. And there's a lot of heavy breathing.

Saperstein's son:The people in them aren't wearing much, and they keep calling me 'son' which is weird because you're the only one supposed to call me that.

Saperstein's son:Oh, and I may have used your credit card to unlock the premium channels. I thought it would fix the malfunction.

Ben:How are you doing?

Jen:Oh, you know, same old same old. My mom's been seeing this guy who's... well, let's just say he's closer to my age than hers.

Tom:I've implemented a new dramatic entrance policy. From now on, I burst through doors like I'm about to deliver life-changing news.

Tom:It makes me seem more important and keeps people on their toes.

Tom:Plus, it's great for my personal brand.

Talking Tissue:You've got this, buddy! Now blow your nose, champ!

Talking Tissue:Feeling better? Of course you are, because you're a winner!

Talking Tissue:Remember that time you almost asked out Jennifer? Me too. You blew it, pal.

Talking Tissue:But hey, there's always tomorrow! Unless you get sick again. Then it's just tissues and regret.

Jen Barkley:The reason that terrible people seem to win is because good people assume the worst won't happen. They don't prepare for it. Terrible people, on the other hand, they're always ready. They're always planning. I once knew a man who tried to take over the Virgin Islands with a real estate empire.

Jen:You know what the secret to success is? You gotta find a mentor. Someone older, wiser, who can guide you through life.

Jen:Build a relationship with them. Spend time together. Get to know them on a personal level.

Jen:And if they're your high school teacher, well, even better. The dynamics are already there.

Jen:You should really trust my advice on this.

Jen:I'm going to be brutally honest with you: I don't care about you at all.

Leslie Knope:Jen, I know your hourly rate is very expensive, so I'll keep this brief.

Jen Barkley:Thank you.

Leslie Knope:But I just wanted to say how much I appreciate everything you've done, and I think you're really great, and—

Jen Barkley:Leslie, that's going to cost you $500.

Leslie Knope:What? For what?

Jen Barkley:For me listening to you talk. You owe me money for every word you say.

Leslie Knope:Oh my God, okay, okay. I'm done. Bye, Jen. You're the best!

Jen Barkley:That's $50,000. I'm suing you.

Ann:We don't care if it's a boy or a girl. We just want a healthy baby.

Chris:Exactly. Gender is completely irrelevant to us.

Ann:Although, a boy would be nice.

Chris:Yeah, a boy would be great.

Dr. Saperstein:Chris and Ann, you two are going to make wonderful parents. In fact, I'd like to offer my own children for adoption. They're adults now, so there shouldn't be any legal issues. Jerry's a disappointment, Millicent's a bigger disappointment, and Craig... well, Craig's in prison.

Perd Hapley:Well, I'm Perd Hapley, and I just witnessed a press conference. What happened at the press conference? A woman spoke. What did the woman do? She pressed. What did she press? Matters. Were there members of the press there? Yes, there were, and that's why it was called a press conference.

Tom:Talking Tissue: 'I'm empty, yo. Fill me up.' / 'Do that again.'

Jean-Ralphio · Ann · Chris:Jean-Ralphio tries to hit on Ann: 'What do you say you and I get together in a special way?' Ann: 'I'm pregnant.' Jean-Ralphio: 'The more the merrier.'

Jean-Ralphio · Chris:Jean-Ralphio tries to hit on Chris too: 'Well, you can come too, beautiful.' Chris thanks him. Jean-Ralphio: 'Look at that. I guess sometimes I call men beautiful too. I guess I'm open-minded as hell.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio deflects from the TV's porno ordering: 'Also, there's a malfunction with the TV where it keeps ordering porno. Like, a ton of porno. Like, how can someone watch that much porno in one sitting? Only when you're out of the house. So if you see it on the bill, that's why. Okay?'

Jen Barkley · Leslie:Jen Barkley on Ben spending her consultation time on pleasantries: 'I get paid $1,200 an hour. Do you really want to spend any of that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband?'

Ron · Leslie:Ron bursts through the door dramatically: 'RON!' — Leslie: 'That's how I enter rooms now. It's more dramatic.' Ron: 'Why did you enter at all?'

Ron · Tom:Ron's reaction to the Talking Tissue: 'Yo, dog! Life is what you make of it.' Ron: 'Leave while I'm ahead? You got it.'

Tom:Talking Tissue extended sequence: 'Clear them sinuses, playboy!' / 'Someone's got the sniffies.' / 'Tell your mama you love 'er.' / 'Step up your vitamin C game, bro!'

Jen Barkley:Jen Barkley: 'I should know. Those terrible people have paid me so much money, I have a condo in every virgin island.'

Jen Barkley:Jen's advice metaphor: 'Don't be the kid that graduates high school, hangs out in the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and then confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for kicks.'

Jen Barkley · Leslie:Leslie: 'Is that what you did?' Jen: 'Yeah. Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me.'

Jen Barkley:Jen: 'because I don't care enough about you to lie.'

Jen Barkley · Leslie:Jen's billing clock runs out mid-conversation: 'Okay, if you want to keep talking, you're gonna have to pay me $1,200 more dollars. I swear to God, if you say one more word, you will legally owe me $1,200, and I will sue you. Let's not end it like that.'

Dr. Saperstein:Dr. Saperstein: 'Would you be interested in adopting my children? They're in their late 20s, they're terrible. No? No go? I ask all my patients.'

Leslie:Leslie's 'big announcement' turns out to be going to lunch with her husband, eating waffles, then making out on the couch

Perd Hapley:Perd Hapley: 'There you have it. A shockingly unshocking press conference in which a recently unemployed woman said nothing of importance. I'm Perd Hapley, and I just realized I'm not holding my microphone.'

Leslie:Leslie's monologue: '...and if you have the ability to go to Paris, by all means, go to Paris!'

Ben · Leslie:Ben's surprise gift for Leslie turns out to be Paris