Second Chunce

Andy got back from London two days ago and he still has jet lag. It's really annoying. We're on totally different schedules. Last night he mowed the lawn at 2:00 in the morning.

As soon as I wake up, he goes down. Hard.

That's my spaghetti, Chewbacca.

Were you about to spray me with the hose inside the house?

I kinda want you to do it now.

When she walked past me this morning, I gave her a kind nod.

Wine is crying juice.

A nice candle. I'm screwed.

Well, technically, my home away from home is in Zurich. Frank Gehry designed it. But this is nice too.

Denial, anger, Internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart.

How many stages is that? I don't know. The point is I'm fine now.

It's like what sir Ian McKellen said to me the day I sold my boat to Karl Lagerfeld: 'Parting is such sweet sorrow.'

Oh, my God. What is your life?

I'm sorry. Was I singing Goodbye Yellow Brick Road out loud?

I studied opera at the Sorbonne. I'd be happy to harmonize.

Dear Tom: I win. You suck. Turn note over. You still suck. Turn note over.

What if I gave you 5 bucks to put a bag of poop in Saperstein's car?

Counter-offer: Why don't you just do it for the story?

That is the most symmetrical fetus I've ever seen. This could be a superhero.

I'm loveable!

Is there an option other than yes or no?

Wait, no, I have to pee. Wait, no, I have to barf. Actually, all three. Being pregnant is great.

No, it's not, you boring grandpa.

I would wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.

Basically, if you're older than me, you're a grandpa. And if you are a grandpa, you're dead.

This check is made out to 'Lenny,' which I think is a typo for 'Larry,' which isn't even actually my name.

Do you know anything from The Requiem for a Dream soundtrack?

But not the kind that snaps in half, maybe.

I also engaged in inappropriate texting, sexting, and tex-mexting, which is where you send photos of your junk from the restroom of a chili's to go.

No. Really. Tell me. It gets me off when women tell me that.

Enrique Shockwave, Willie Dynamite, Lee Harvey Teabag... Lieutenant Wilhelm Von Penis.

It's basically a dumping ground for old shipping containers. It's like a raccoon shantytown.

Come on, time is money, money is power, power is pizza, pizza is knowledge. Let's go.

So my idea is for an abacus, but on your phone. I call it a 'phone-bacus.'

Son, you just described a calculator.

Three words: Automated word counter. Get out. Two. Words. No. One. Word.

I'm not gonna buy that thing. It's covered in a gallon of your boogers.

Olive, rosemary, chicken. Fifty burritos.

I'm pregnant, and I'm a little bit crazy. So if you don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds, I'm gonna plunge your face into the deep fryer!

What? He's kinda cute. Oh, God, Shauna, no. I-I just feel like I could fix him, you know?

Macaroni and poison. It's like mac and cheese, but with a special ingredient.

Every socket set I've ever bought only goes up to 1/2 inch. I'd love a couple larger sizes. Take it all the way up to 5/8.

Bears bouncing on trampoline roads.

Second chunce four Lesle! Perv Dexxxhrt equals... birthday mouse

Tiny little acorn penis? Forget it. A weird image. But one that does not diminish my enthusiasm.

Are we having a smurf?

Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's happening, right?

I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into the joker. But that means you probably shouldn't do it.

I don't know, Leslie. It seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight. But I could be wrong. I haven't pooped in three days.

What the hell do you know, Dum-Dum?

I'm younger than you, and I already have my own department. Plus I'm married, and I make more money than you.

Whatever. You just merged your department with parks then made up your own title.

I'm empty, yo. Fill me up. / Do that again.

What do you say you and I get together in a special way? I-I'm pregnant. The more the merrier.

I guess I'm open-minded as hell.

Also, if you don't know already, there's a malfunction with the TV, where it keeps ordering porno, like, a ton of porno. Like, how can someone watch that much porno in one sitting? Only when you're out of the house.

Do you really wanna spend any of that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband?

That's how I enter rooms now. It's more dramatic.

Clear them sinuses, playboy! Someone's got the sniffies. Tell your mama you love 'er. Step up your vitamin C game, bro!

Those terrible people have paid me so much money, I have a condo in every virgin island.

Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and then confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for kicks.

I don't care enough about you to lie.

If you say one more word, you will legally owe me $1,200, and I will sue you. Let's not end it like that.

I thought you didn't have a preference. I didn't. I just really wanted it to be a boy. Me too. I don't know why.

Would you be interested in adopting my children? They're in their late 20s, they're terrible.

A shockingly unshocking press conference in which a recently unemployed woman said nothing of importance.