Surprise Party

David:I don't think so.

Johnny:We could have the party at Roland's house. It's very spacious.

David:Dad, no. Absolutely not. Have you seen Roland's house? It looks like a Pottery Barn exploded in a Cracker Barrel.

Johnny:I'm not trying to be cool. I'm just being myself. And myself happens to be totally rad and fly. In fact, I'm the dopest dad in this whole scene, fo' shizzle.

Johnny:You know, I'm going to level with you. When I was your age, I was the coolest guy around. I had the leather jacket, the slicked-back hair, I was listening to all the latest music on my Walkman...

David:Oh my God, he's doing it again.

Alexis:What is he doing?

David:He's trying to be cool. He just called my friend a 'homie.'

Alexis:No.

David:Yes. And he did finger guns.

Alexis:Oh God, not the finger guns.

David:Oh my god, dad, please stop trying to use slang.

Alexis:It's literally painful to watch. You sound ridiculous.

Johnny:What? I'm just trying to be cool. That's totally lit, fam.

David:Please never say that again.

Alexis:I'm experiencing actual secondhand embarrassment right now.

Ted:I've planned us a romantic getaway.

Alexis:Oh my god, really? Where?

Ted:A pizza tour of the Tristate area.

Alexis:I'm sorry, a what?

Ted:We'll visit the five best pizzerias, stay in a Quality Inn, and I've made a spreadsheet of optimal driving routes.

Alexis:Ted, that's not romantic, that's a logistics presentation.

Alexis:This conference is just so important. For us.

David:I just assumed, given your... rustic upbringing, that you wouldn't understand the finer points of—

Ted:David, I will slap you.

Alexis:If this party isn't perfect, it will literally ruin my life.

Johnny:That's very kind of you, Roland, but I think we're going to need something a little more... upscale. You know, something with a bit more... finesse.

Roland:What do you mean? My place is nice!

Johnny:Yes, well, it's nice in the way that a gas station bathroom is nice. Functional, but not exactly where you want to spend an evening.

Johnny:Okay, so here's what we're going to do. You tell them you're my business associate.

Roland:Your business associate. Got it.

Johnny:My name is Johnny Rose.

Roland:Right, right. And what's your name?

Johnny:Johnny Rose. That's... that's what I just said.

Roland:Oh, for you. What about for me?

Johnny:Your name is Roland Schitt.

Roland:Okay, and what's my business?

Johnny:You're my associate in my business.

Roland:Right, but what kind of business?

Johnny:Just... just say you work with me. That's all you need to remember.

Roland:Got it. I work with... Johnny. And your last name?

Johnny:Roland, we need to discuss the business model for the motel. This isn't working.

Roland:It's fun time!

Johnny:No, Roland. Fun time is not a business strategy.

Roland:But it's fun time though.

Stevie:It's not about the cake.

Alexis:It's a torte.

Stevie:You're not getting a cake.

David:It's not a cake, it's a torte.

Alexis:No, absolutely not. I'm not getting murdered on the side of the road by some random person who definitely has a skin suit collection in their basement.

David:I'm not being ridiculous. I have a very specific palate, and I refuse to compromise on cake. There's a difference.

Roland:You're invited to... uh... a thing. At my place. Next... Saturday? Or was it Sunday? One of those days.

Roland:It starts at... noon-ish? Maybe evening? Wear something nice. Or casual. Whatever you got.

Roland:Oh, and bring a plus one. Or don't. I can't remember if I said that or not.

Roland:I'm here to personally invite the two of you to a annual... Elegant dress-up event that Jocelyn is hosting.

Roland:It was for... uh... the thing. You know, the... the sick... the sick children? No wait, the blind... no, no, the deaf. Or was it the... the ones with the legs?

Roland:Either way, I wrote a very generous check to whatever it was. Very generous. Five figures.

Johnny:Roland, that's very kind of you to offer, but we're really not looking for any additional input at this time.

Roland:Oh, I know what you mean. You want to dress them up a little bit, make them look a little less... disabled?

Johnny:No, that's not— no.

Roland:Well, I've got some clip-on ties at the store.

Alexis:I mean, you can't just take time off from bedding women.

Mutt:No, I could do both simultaneously.

Mutt:You had a bug in your hair.

David:Oh my God!

Moira:Profitable non-profits. That's the dream, isn't it?

Moira:Why does everyone seem so nervous around me? I'm just trying to be helpful and fabulous.

David:Mom, you literally told Jocelyn her outfit was 'a cry for help' last week.

Moira:I was being constructive! How is that intimidating?

Alexis:You also said her marriage was 'a noble experiment that's clearly failing.'

Moira:Well, it is. But that's not about me being intimidating, that's just me being honest.

Jocelyn:Wait, wait, wait. Are we... are we actually doing this? We're actually planning a fake fundraiser?

Jocelyn:Oh my God. Oh my God, no. This is insane. I can't— I have a reputation in this town. What if people find out?

Jocelyn:I'm going to jail. That's where this is going. I'm going to jail, and Roland's going to have to explain to the kids why Mommy's in prison.

Alexis:Stevie wouldn't drive me because she said something about needing to focus on herself right now, and I was like, okay, but also you literally just sit in a car, so I don't know what that means. Like, is she going through something? Does she have a weird thing with cars? I feel like there's clearly something deeper going on that she's not telling me about.

Alexis:I asked Stevie to help me, but she said she couldn't because she's going through some stuff right now. And I was like, 'Okay, but what kind of stuff? Like, is it a physical thing? Is it emotional? Is it... situational?' And she just walked away, which I'm pretty sure means it's all three.

David:Mom once intimidated Hillary Clinton at a charity gala.

Patrick:That didn't happen.

David:No, it didn't. But I wanted to see if you would believe me, because that's the kind of thing she would do.

David:Wait, we passed the 'Exit Elmdale' sign? That was our exit.

David:Oh my God, we've gone too far. We're never going to find it now.

Jocelyn:It's for the... uh... The Society for the Preservation of... Llama Wellness and Ethical Grooming Practices.

Moira:Wait, if they're free, how is that a fundraiser?

Moira:That's it. I am taking over this party planning. I'm declaring a coup d'état.

Moira:That's it. I'm done. I'm quitting.

David:Mom, come on.

Moira:No. I'm counting to three, and if this isn't resolved, I'm walking out that door. One...

Moira:Two...

Moira:Two and a half...

Moira:Two and three-quarters...

Johnny:Alexis, I can't believe you're suggesting we steal from the store.

Alexis:Well, I mean, I already stole the security camera footage from last week, so...

Johnny:You what?

Alexis:What? I looked really cute in it and I wanted to keep it.

Johnny:You stole sunglasses? Alexis, you're an adult!

Alexis:I know, daddy.

Johnny:Do you? Because you're acting like a child. What's next, are you going to shoplift a toy? Steal candy from a baby?

Alexis:I'm sorry.

Johnny:Sorry doesn't cut it. You need to return those sunglasses, and you need to apologize to the store. And frankly, I'm very disappointed in you.

Moira:Wait, there was no fundraiser? But I already planned my outfit!

Moira:Oh my stars! I have been positively ambushed by the element of astonishment! My cardiovascular system is engaged in a most vigorous palpitation, and I find myself bereft of my customary eloquence. This unexpected turn of events has quite thoroughly dispatched my composure to the netherregions!

Stevie:David, I want to apologize. I've been a real jerk to you, and I feel terrible about it.

David:Oh my God, are you getting your period?

Stevie:What? No!

David:Because that would explain so much.

Stevie:So what, you're just gonna be weird and short with everyone all day?

Alexis:I'm not being weird.

Stevie:You literally just told your brother his hair looked like a dead animal.

Alexis:Well, it does.

Stevie:Okay, so is this a period thing?

David:Will you dance with me?

Stevie:My usual dance partners are a bottle of red wine and my own crippling anxiety.

Stevie:I usually dance alone in my room with the lights off, and I pretend that nobody can see me.

Alexis:Wow, you look great in that suit. Did you kill someone?

Mutt:Yeah.

Mutt:I wore this suit to my cousin's wedding and he met his wife that night. So I'm hoping for the same luck at this party.

Mutt:I'm hoping to get lucky again.

Moira:This is lovely, truly. But I must insist: never do this again. The shock to my system was genuinely traumatic. I nearly fainted, and my heart rate is still irregular. I simply cannot endure another ambush of this magnitude.