Little Sister

Moira:There's something crawling up my leg!

John:What is it?

Moira:I can't see it. It's invisible like lice or scabies or bed bugs.

Moira:We have bed bugs! I can feel them crawling all over me!

John:Moira, we don't have bed bugs.

Moira:How can you be so sure?

John:Because bed bugs have standards.

Moira:We need to burn everything. All of it. Every. Single. Thing.

Dee Dee:Guess who?

Moira:Oh my God, is that Dee Dee? What are you doing here?

Dee Dee:I came to support you all through this difficult time.

Johnny:Well, that's very thoughtful.

Moira:Yes, how wonderful. Do you have any open sores? Any unusual discharge? Have you been in contact with anyone from the developing world?

Dee Dee:I... what? I'm fine, I just got off a plane.

Moira:Exactly. We need to quarantine you immediately.

Dee Dee:I know I should have come by during your whole thing, but my promotion was really taking off and I just couldn't get away.

David:Our life was collapsing.

Dee Dee:Well, yes, but like I said, the promotion.

Moira:Well, I only knew you were alive through internet news of your downfall.

Moira:It would have been so easy to just call. See? Easy. Hello, Dee Dee, you deadbeat.

John:Where have you been? We've been worried sick!

Moira:Yes, it's been far too long. We thought perhaps you'd forgotten us entirely.

Alexis:Oh my god, hi! I haven't seen you in like... forever. I literally thought you were dead.

Aunt:I'm not dead, Alexis.

Alexis:I know that now, obviously. But like, why did I think that? Did you fake your death or something?

David:Wait, when was the last time we actually saw each other?

Moira:Oh, that would be your birthday party. I brought that lovely man I was seeing at the time.

David:You mean the one who spent the entire evening in the pool house discussing his cryptocurrency venture?

Moira:Yes, well, he was very passionate about blockchain.

David:He was naked and claiming to be a dolphin.

Dee Dee:Here, I want you to have this.

Alexis:Oh my God, a hundred dollars?

David:Dee Dee, this is... this is too much.

Alexis:No, no, it's perfect. This is literally life-changing.

Dee Dee:I can't stay at the motel. I do hot yoga every morning at 5 AM, and I need a space with proper ventilation and natural light. Plus, I have my evening Pilates, my afternoon spin class, and my morning run. I'm on a very strict regimen.

Grant:My handyman work keeps me fit.

Stevie:Does it though?

Grant:I don't do anything special. It's just from doing repairs around the house.

David:Well, that's not true. Nobody gets a body like that from just doing repairs. You must be working out.

Grant:I'm just gonna... I'm sensing some energy here that maybe I should not be a part of.

David:There's no energy.

Stevie:Zero energy.

Grant:Right, okay. Because it feels like there's... a lot of energy.

Stevie:He was attractive.

David:Well, I'm sure Grant will do a very thorough job. He's very... hands-on. Very good with his... hands. And other things.

David:That's great. Grant is... he's a very... he has a face. And you two are... dating. Which is... wonderful. For you. And him. Mostly him, probably.

David:We see each other... occasionally. Very occasionally. Like, Christmas occasionally. No, less than Christmas. Like, Easter occasionally.

David:Oh, so you're dating Grant now?

David:That's wonderful. I'm sure he'll treat you with the same respect and dignity that he treats his hemp clothing line.

David:I hope you two are very happy together. I'll just be here, alone, perfecting my collection of vintage brooches.

Twyla:I'm so sorry I hit you, Alexis. It was an accident.

Alexis:It's okay, Twyla.

Moira:Well, if it makes you feel any better, I also accidentally hit her earlier.

Twyla:You know, I have a restraining order from Fleetwood Mac.

Twyla:My dad always said, 'If you can't express your feelings in words, express them in song.'

Twyla:So I wrote a song for this boy I liked in high school. I performed it in front of the whole cafeteria.

Twyla:Turns out, he didn't appreciate it. He got a restraining order.

David:Don't write songs for people you're dating. It never ends well.

David:I wrote a song for my ex once, and a Marine showed up at my apartment with a machete.

David:Turns out it was his ex's favorite song, and he thought I was mocking him.

David:So now I have a strict policy: no songs, no Marines with weapons.

Jocelyn:David, I need your help with one of my students.

David:Of course. What's the problem?

Jocelyn:Well, he's very difficult to work with. Kind of like you, actually, which is why I thought you'd be perfect for this.

Moira:David would understand being an outcast. Have you seen what he wears?

David:I appreciate the offer, but I think you've made a terrible mistake. I'm not equipped to mentor anyone. I can barely manage myself. I have crippling anxiety, I'm judgmental, I'm often dismissive, and I have absolutely no patience for incompetence or poor life choices. So unless this troubled teen is looking to learn how to be a self-involved disaster, I'm probably not your guy.

David:I appreciate the gesture, but I'm not really equipped to mentor anyone. I'm self-absorbed, I have unrealistic expectations, and I'm not particularly patient.

Jocelyn:That's so humble of you to say. You know, that kind of self-awareness is exactly what makes you such a great mentor.

Jocelyn:Well, if you ever need help with a troubled teen, you just let me know.

Moira:Thank you, Jocelyn. That's very kind.

Jocelyn:And one more thing — you should really be using a bidet. It's much better for you.

Alexis:My longest relationship was actually voluntary.

Alexis:Well, most of it was captivity, but like, the first few weeks were totally voluntary.

Alexis:Fine? FINE?! Mutt, no. No, no, no. You don't describe a relationship as 'fine.' Fine is what you say when someone asks how your day was and you spent it waiting in the DMV. Fine is not a word that should ever be associated with love.

Alexis:You should be saying things like 'amazing' or 'incredible' or 'I've never been happier.' Fine is the relationship equivalent of beige. And Twyla is not beige, Mutt. Twyla is, like, a really pretty jewel tone.

Moira:I'm not hiding, I'm simply... reconsidering my life choices in this closet.

Dee Dee:Well, there's only so many places to hide in a town this size. Plus your husband totally ratted you out.

Johnny:I didn't rat her out!

Dee Dee:You literally told me you were at the market.

Moira:Did you say 'Thank you, Moira, you're a saint'?

Dee Dee:No.

Dee Dee:I deserved more money given your wealth!

Dee Dee:I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Moira:Oh, well that's very thoughtful of you.

Dee Dee:Wait, no. I immediately remembered you're heartless.

Johnny:Moira, you need to take this money. It's a good opportunity.

Moira:But what does Dee Dee think?

Johnny:Moira, Dee Dee is dating a man who lives in a storage unit. I don't think we should be taking life advice from her.

John:You know, we had bed bugs when we first moved here. Do you remember that?

Moira:Yes, of course I remember that, John. I was there.

John:Well, we didn't let anyone help us then, and we're not going to start now.

John:Fifty thousand dollars is a lot of money.

Moira:Is it though? Because that's what I spend on wigs in a month.

John:No, it's not.

Moira:Well, it is for me.

John:You need to swallow your pride.

Moira:With what? Literal champagne?

David:He's very respectable. He has a drawer dedicated to condoms. It's color-coordinated by size and expiration date.

Stevie:Wait, he has different kinds?

David:I would say my enthusiasm is hovering somewhere around a two, maybe a two-and-a-half.

David:And that's only because I'm not allowed to go lower, or I would be in the negatives. And I think Grant's van is very creepy.

Grant · Stevie:Such a weird dude. / Yes. Yes, he is.

David:Well, I'll just... I'm going to go. Yes. Thank you for the... the time we spent together in this room. It's been... statistically significant.

Grant:That was weird.

Stevie:So weird.

David:I'd be happy to mentor you. I have a lot of experience in retail and business.

Teen:Yeah, no thanks. I'm good.

David:Oh, well, I think you'd really benefit from—

Teen:No, I mean... have you looked in a mirror?

David:You know, Connor, fitting in doesn't have to be so difficult. You just need to be yourself.

Connor:I appreciate that, David. But here's the thing — I don't actually want to fit in. I choose not to. And that's my choice to make.

Dee Dee:I'm thinking the pork chop. Or maybe the pork belly. Oh! The pork shoulder!

Moira:Yes, well, I'll have the salad.

Dee Dee:Don't you want to try the pork ribs? They're supposed to be incredible.

Moira:No, I'm fine with the salad. Just the salad.

Dee Dee:You're being very childish about this, Moira.

Moira:I'm not accepting your money or your apology.

Dee Dee:Well, if you won't accept my apology, then I suppose I'll just have to tell everyone in town that you refused to forgive me. How will that look?

Dee Dee:I came here with only the purest of intentions.

Dee Dee:Well, mostly pure. Okay, there was some gloating involved.

Dee Dee:Look, I came here to support you, but yes, the gloating was definitely part of my plan.

Moira:Please, I need your help.

Dee Dee:Fine, I'll do it. But let's be clear — this is about power and superiority.

David:We're just friends. With benefits.

Patrick:What kind of benefits?

David:The kind where we're friends, and we also sleep together.

Patrick:So you're dating.

David:No, we're not dating. We're just—

Patrick:Friends with benefits. Right. Which is dating.

David:I'm sorry, when I was your age, we didn't have the internet. We had to go to the library and look things up in an encyclopedia.

David:So perhaps you should listen to someone with actual life experience.

David:Are you stable?

Connor:Do you have any alcohol?

David:Do you have any alcohol?

Connor:Could you buy me some alcohol?

David:You know, Connor, I have to say - the fact that you're asking an adult to break the law for you shows a level of maturity I didn't know you possessed.

Twyla:Do you want to hear my song?

David:No, I don't. I hate all music.

Stevie:Grant went to bathroom and never came back

Stevie:Well, he's probably just been in a terrible accident. You know, something that would prevent him from texting me. Like, his hands are gone. Both of them. Severed clean off at the wrists. Or maybe he's in a coma. A very deep coma where he can't move or speak, but somehow he's still conscious enough to feel bad about it.

Johnny:What is this? What am I looking at here?

Johnny:This is insulting. This is an insult.

Johnny:You know what? I'm paying for dinner. That's what I'm doing.

John:So where's my money? I gave you fifty thousand dollars.

Moira:Yes, and I am eternally grateful. I've written you a check.

John:A check? For how much?

Moira:Forty-seven dollars and thirty-two cents.

John:Forty-seven dollars?! Moira, I loaned you fifty thousand dollars!

Moira:Well, I've had some unexpected expenses. There was a delightful aperitif hour at the country club, and I simply had to refresh my moisturizer collection. One simply cannot put a price on self-care.

Johnny:This is... this is a very small check.

Johnny:Perhaps they made a decimal point error. Yes, that must be it. They simply misplaced the decimal point.

John:Look, Dee Dee is... she's a lot. She's exhausting, she's overbearing, she inserts herself into every single aspect of our lives, she's completely oblivious to social cues, and frankly, she's a moron.

Johnny:Well, she's not wrong.

David:David on why he's drinking: 'some snippy teen told me that my life was a mess. And I am now a single person.'

Stevie:Stevie: 'So did you spend the night washing your clothes on Grant's abs?'

Stevie:Stevie: 'Grant went to the bathroom and never came back.' ... 'So either I was stood up halfway through my date, or Grant has some serious digestive issues.'

David · Stevie:David: 'And because I don't have any other friends here, I can't afford to lose you, so I think it's best if we just...' Stevie: 'Friends.' David: 'Friends. Yeah.'

David:And because I don't have any other friends here, I can't afford to lose you.

John:John: 'And we paid for the dinner. So we lost money on the whole deal.'

John · Moira:John: 'She missed a zero.' Moira: 'She missed a zero or two.'

John:John: 'I'm gonna call her. I'm calling her right now, that... What a cheap-ass amount!'

Moira:Moira: 'Your sister is a cheap-ass.' — in the dark after lights-out