Traveling Salesmen

Michael · Jim:Michael introduces Harvey the computer, which immediately says 'Jim sucks.'

Michael:Michael says 'Sorry. Zing.' apologizing for Harvey's insult while simultaneously claiming credit for it.

Michael · Pam:Harvey says 'Pam, you look very hot today' after Michael calls Pam in.

Michael · Pam · Jim:Harvey says 'Me so horny. Me love you long tim.' to Pam.

Michael:Michael mishears 'long time' as a person's name: 'Who is Long Tim?'

Michael · Jim:After Jim explains 'long time,' Michael says 'Oh, well, you should bring Long Tim in one day. I'd love to meet Long Tim.'

Michael · Jim:Jim tells Michael 'You ruined a funny joke' and Michael responds 'You get out of my off-five.'

Michael:Harvey says 'Boobs' after everyone has left Michael's office.

Angela · Kevin:Kevin challenges whether the tax forms are a big deal, and Angela claps back: 'Is it a big deal? Is it, Kevin?'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Five of us transferred from Stamford. There's two of us left... It's like we're touring Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what. I'm not falling in a chocolate river.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight arrives late; Jim immediately says 'Hey, Dwight, pass the tardy sauce.'

Andy · Michael:Andy's elaborate pause before choosing Michael as his sales call partner — 'Oh, I don't know... Michael Scott.'

Andy · Michael:Andy sycophantically picks Michael first, calling him 'PhD. Doctor of sales.' Michael responds with layers of mutual complimenting that spirals into absurdity.

Michael · Phyllis:Phyllis says she'll pick Karen. Michael says 'our resident senior.' Phyllis replies: 'We're the same age.'

Stanley · Ryan:Stanley refuses to pick anyone, says 'Pass.' Michael insists. Stanley says 'I'll take the kid.' Ryan's talking head: 'I was his second choice, after pass.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'I'm very flattered. I was his second choice, after Pass.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim says he wants to trade Dwight as a partner. Dwight immediately offers to trade too. Jim says 'Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time.'

Jim:Jim's talking head staring at a photo of himself with Dwight: 'Oh, young Jim. There's just so much I need to warn you about.' Pause. 'And yet, tragically, I cannot.'

Dwight · Michael · Andy:Dwight arrives with his car. Andy comments on shirts on hangers in the back seat. Michael asks 'He does your laundry?' Dwight says 'Long story.'

Michael:Michael announces the sales teams as Amazing Race archetypes: 'You guys are the retired marines. You guys are the mother/daughter. You guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes.'

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis asks if there's a prize for winning. Michael says 'Just bragging rights.' Phyllis: 'Then how is this Amazing Race?' Michael: 'It's just... brrrrr.'

Dwight · Jim:Jim refuses to sit in the front seat of Dwight's car, insisting on sitting in the back. 'It's the safest part of a car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Every success I've ever had, in my job, or with the lady folk, has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.'

Andy · Michael:Michael explains the Dwight laundry situation. Andy responds: 'Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting.'

Andy:Andy offers his services as Michael's laundry folder: 'I used to work at Abercrombie. So... pretty good folder.'

Michael · Andy:Michael and Andy drive into a beauty salon. Andy asks to take the lead on the pitch. Michael: 'Mind? Nothing would delight me more.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight insists Jim leave the car keys. Jim: 'You still do that thing?' Dwight, still insisting: 'Leave the keys.'

Andy:Andy to Michael in the car: 'It's like everyone has their own special skill. You know, just like the Super Friends. Except for Dwight, who's kind of more of a super dud.'

Andy:Andy: 'He'd be a Super Friend, if there was a Super Friend whose super power was always being late. You know? Hawkman.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'My plan is taking longer than I thought. But I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons, so...'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight insists Jim walk ahead of him. Jim: 'That still leaves a 30% chance I'll attack you from the front.' Dwight: 'Yeah, but it'll be easier to stop.'

Andy:Andy casually claims to have 'caught an 80-pound shark off Montauk' with 'a rifle from the crow's nest' of his dad's '42-foot Bayliner.'

Michael · Andy:Andy undersells Dunder-Mifflin as 'just two rooms and a warehouse.' Michael interrupts to correct him: 'We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.'

Michael · Jim · Client:After Jim rescues the pitch, the client says 'I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree.' Michael immediately interrupts: 'No. Stop it. Stop. Ow.'

Michael · Jim:After the pitch, Michael asks 'Do we even want that guy buying our paper?' Jim: 'Yes.'

Angela:Angela in confessional, speaking in code about Dwight: 'This friend of mine... let's call her Noelle... this gallant gentleman... we'll call him Curt.'

Andy:Andy tells Michael he 'really Schruted it' and explains: 'It's just this thing people say around your office all the time. Like when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you Schruted it. I don't know where it comes from, though.'

Stanley · Ryan:Stanley introduces Ryan to his client Julius as part of his pitch, then says 'I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword puzzle.'

Ryan:Ryan's pitch begins. He says 'Hi.' Client says 'Hello, Ryan.' Ryan says 'Hi' again. Long pause. Another 'Hi.'

Client · Ryan:Client recaps Ryan's pitch: 'And you just said, "Hi. Hi. Hi."... You sounded like... My niece. And she's six months old.'

Jim · Kelly:Jim's pitch: holds up his phone to demonstrate a competitor on hold. Kelly picks up immediately: 'Oh my God, Jim, how are you?' Jim closes with his card: 'I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays.'

Jim · Kelly:Jim calls Dunder Mifflin customer service to demonstrate responsiveness; Kelly answers immediately: 'Oh my God, Jim, how are you?'

Karen:Karen's talking head after the client says Jim 'was hung up on Pam for such a long time': 'That's nice. You can pay me back later for the makeover.'

Karen:Karen's reaction after the client mentions Jim was hung up on Pam: 'That's nice.' followed by implied awkward silence.

Andy · Michael:Andy shows Michael a toll booth receipt from New York City as 'evidence' against Dwight. Michael: 'Why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone?'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head about Karen: 'I like Karen. She's pretty. Appears intelligent. Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence.'

Dwight · Karen:Dwight: 'My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model, or a college professor — which is intimidating to a lot of guys. We should go on a double date.' Karen: 'No, thank you.'

Michael · Dwight:Confrontation: Michael demands to know what Dwight was doing. Dwight: 'I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me.' Michael pauses, then: 'That's what she said.' Dwight: 'Don't you dare.'

Angela · Dwight:Angela: 'I'll just stand up in front of the office, and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.' Dwight: 'I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.'

Karen · Jim:Karen's talking head: Jim admits he had a crush on Pam before leaving for Stamford. Karen: 'Did I ever have a thing for her? No. Why, did she say something?'

Jim:Jim's confessional admitting he had a crush on Pam before leaving — 'I had... a crush on her... before I left. And I told her about it, and she didn't feel the same way.'

Dwight:Dwight's resignation speech: 'Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family... I do not fear the unknown... we all shall fall.'

Dwight:Dwight gives his belongings away during the exit, including a sequence of 'Just take it... Except this... Good luck... And this one. Oops.'

Michael:Michael's eulogy for Dwight: 'Not by me... so much. But he will be missed.'

Michael:Michael: 'Dwight... from sales... was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had. One of my life goals was to die right here, in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.'

Andy:Andy's final talking head: 'Am I happy about the way things turned out? Well, happy's such an ugly word... But I saw what needed to be done, and I did it. And now I'm thrilled. So it's pretty... Hello? Pretty good.'