The Job Interview

Ted:I've discovered that flies can taste with their feet.

Alexis:Oh my god, that's so hot.

Alexis:I'm using endangered animals as gym equipment. I do squats with baby pandas, and I use a slow loris for my bicep curls.

Ted:Actually, it's a tortoise, not a turtle.

Ted:You could say I'm really coming out of my shell with these facts!

Alexis:...

David:Please tell me you're wearing pants.

Ted:Hi, David!

Alexis:He is.

David:Ted and Alexis were just making out.

Ted:Hello, Mr. Rose.

Johnny:You know, the internet is a dangerous place. You have to be very careful about what you post online. People can see it, they can screenshot it, they can use it against you.

Moira:Yes, well, my only concern is that my lighting is absolutely dreadful in that photo.

Alexis:Can everyone please leave? I need some privacy for this call.

Alexis:I need you all to get out so I can take this long and hard.

David:Oh my God.

David:I was flying Air Français the other day, and I thought, 'How wonderfully sophisticated.'

Stevie:It's Air Canada.

David:Yes, well, I was being generous with the pronunciation.

Stevie:Also, it's named after a guy named Larry.

Stevie:So your dad went from owning a deli to owning an airline?

David:Yes.

Stevie:Just like that?

David:Well, not just like that. There were several years in between.

Stevie:What happened in those years?

David:He owned other things.

David:I would make an excellent flight attendant. I have impeccable timing, grace under pressure, and I look phenomenal in a uniform.

Stevie:What's your experience?

David:Well, I've flown first class extensively.

Stevie:That's not experience being a flight attendant, that's experience being a passenger.

David:Yes, but I was a very demanding passenger, so I observed their technique closely.

David:I have extensive experience in hospitality. I once arranged for a private jet to be stocked with only white truffles and Evian water that had been blessed by a shaman in Iceland.

David:I also coordinated a dinner service at 35,000 feet where every course was a different shade of beige, which, as you know, is the only acceptable color palette for in-flight dining.

David:I'm obviously going to get this job. I mean, look at me.

Stevie:I'm going to get this job.

Bank Manager:So you're telling me the motel is called the Rosebud?

Johnny:Yes.

Bank Manager:And you own it?

Johnny:I do.

Bank Manager:A man owning a motel called the Rosebud?

Johnny:Well, it came with the name. I'm not going to change it just because it has a feminine quality to it. That would be small-minded.

Roland:You know what, Johnny? I'm gonna help you with the bank. I'll tell 'em about all your successful business ventures.

Roland:Like that time you invested in that... what was it... that thing that went belly up in three weeks?

Johnny:Roland, that's not helping.

Roland:No, no, I got this. Or how about that other business idea that lost you half a million dollars?

Johnny:Okay, stop.

Roland:Look, I'm a very important man in this town. I sit on the town council, I'm a member of the Rotary Club, and I know the mayor personally.

Bank Manager:That's nice, but it doesn't change your credit score.

Roland:Well, what if I told you my son is dating your daughter?

Bank Manager:I don't have a daughter.

Roland:What if you did? Think about it.

Bank Manager:I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Roland:Okay, okay. One more thing. How much would it take for this to go away? Hypothetically.

Bank Manager:That's called bribery.

Roland:Well, I didn't say it had to be money.

Roland:I'm telling you, I have influence in this town. People respect me.

Johnny:Roland, last week you tried to get a discount at the gas station and they laughed you out.

Roland:That was different. I wasn't trying hard enough. This time I'm going to show them what real power looks like.

Roland:Okay, fine. You're right. I have no influence. Can we just go home?

Moira:Did you know that a testudine is a fascinating creature?

Alexis:Oh my god, a what? Is that like a disease?

Moira:No, darling. It's a turtle.

Alexis:A turtle? Why would you say testudine? Just say turtle!

Moira:Turtles are terrible pets. They live for decades, they carry salmonella, and quite frankly, holding one feels like you're cradling a raw chicken cutlet.

Moira:I'm concerned about the turtle's health. These creatures can carry all sorts of diseases.

Alexis:Just wash your hands. I wash my hands like, all the time, and I'm fine.

Alexis:She thinks naming a pet after her boyfriend counts as a 'shared experience'

Moira:Marriage is like a film trilogy. The first one is passionate and unexpected, the second one is slightly disappointing, and by the third one, you're just hoping it ends.

Stevie:That's a very... conservative outfit choice.

David:Well, I think it's funny that you would say that, because this is actually a very well-tailored, expensive piece of clothing.

David:That's a good joke. But I want to be clear, I wasn't dressing like a youth pastor. I was dressing like someone who has a very nice life and a great sense of style.

David:Oh, they've added a phone in the room. How luxurious. I suppose next they'll be installing indoor plumbing and electricity as standard features.

Carol:So, I see here you have some legal troubles on your record...

Applicant:Yes, well, it was all a misunderstanding.

Carol:It says here you were arrested for fraud, embezzlement, and tax evasion.

Applicant:Like I said, misunderstandings.

Stevie:I'm a perfectionist. I'm too detail-oriented. I'm not a great delegator. I can be impatient. I'm not always the best communicator. I second-guess myself sometimes. I can be a little stubborn. I'm not great with change. I tend to hold grudges. I'm not always—

David:Yeah, no, I think we've got it.

Interviewer:So, David, what would you say is your greatest weakness?

David:Well, I'd have to say I'm a perfectionist. I care too much about my work, and I hold myself to impossibly high standards.

Interviewer:I see. And is that actually a weakness, or are you just describing a strength?

David:I... well, it can be both.

Interviewer:No, it really can't.

Johnny:Roland, every time you open your mouth, it's like you're doing us all a favor by sharing your thoughts. But the truth is, you're just making it worse.

Roland:Now, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but Bob's finances are in worse shape than his hairline.

Roland:And between you and me, those hair plugs cost him forty grand. But obviously, I'm very discreet about these things.

Moira:Bob, darling, I see you've decided to drape yourself in the skin of a deceased bovine. How very... tactile of you.

Bob:I need to use the bathroom. These leather pants are cutting off my circulation.

David:That's... more information than I needed.

Roland:Well, well, well. Looks like we've got ourselves a biter on the line. This investor's gonna be easy to reel in.

Roland:I can already sea the dollar signs. We're gonna have a real catch of a deal here.

Roland:This one's gonna be a keeper, mark my words.

Alexis:I think it was... it was right after David and I broke up. Or maybe right before? No, it was definitely around the same time as when the turtle got out.

Alexis:Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not entirely sure which happened first — David leaving or the turtle escaping. They kind of blur together in my mind.

Twyla:Wait, which Ted are we talking about?

Alexis:Um, the Ted that I'm dating? There's only one Ted in my life, Twyla.

Alexis:I just realized I lost a turtle. Like, I had a living creature in my care and I completely forgot about it. What does that say about me?

Alexis:I mean, I can't even keep a pet alive. How am I supposed to keep myself together?

Twyla:Oh, that happened to me once! Well, not exactly like that, but similar. I was at the food court, and I sat down at what I thought was my table, but it turned out to be someone else's table.

Twyla:And then security came, and they thought I was stealing french fries, so they tackled me.

Twyla:Turns out it was the mayor's table, and I landed on his wife, and she went into early labor.

Twyla:The baby was fine, but the mayor banned me from the mall for life. And also from the hospital. And also I'm not allowed to be within 100 yards of his family.

Alexis:Twyla, can you just keep an eye out for the turtle?

Twyla:A turtle? In the kitchen?

Alexis:Yes, it's fine. Just don't let it get near the walk-in or anything.

Twyla:Okay... I'll just add that to my list of things to worry about.

David:I'm sorry, but I've already been upgraded thrice this month. I don't think that's physically possible.

David:Well, have you tried giving the baby a sedative? Or perhaps just opening the emergency exit?

Carol:David, you don't understand airline policy at all.

David:Well, I—

Carol:No, no, no. *snap snap* Good effort though.

David:I'm sorry, are you snapping at me like I'm a golden retriever?

David:Oh my God, they called my name!

Host:David Rose, you're safe.

David:I know, I heard—wait, what?

Host:You're eliminated.

David:But you just said I was safe!

Host:No, I said you're safe to leave. You're out.

David:Oh. Well, this is humiliating.

Stevie:Yeah, well, he said I didn't meet his standards. Which is rich coming from a man who once told me his only qualification was that he could open a door.

David:Look, I understand your concerns, but if you think about it logically, we're actually better off staying together as a group.

David:Because if one of us leaves, we're no longer a complete group, which means we've all failed individually.

David:So really, the only way for any of us to succeed is if we all stay exactly where we are. It's simple mathematics.

David:I'm taking the peanuts.

David:All of them.

Roland:Bob, those are some really expensive-looking pants. Are those Italian?

Johnny:They're from a catalogue.

Roland:A very fancy catalogue.

Jocelyn:Oh my God, this is so exciting! A real business investment opportunity!

Moira:Well, we need to think like predators, Jocelyn. We circle. We isolate our prey. We move in for the kill.

Jocelyn:You mean Bob?

Moira:Exactly. Bob is a wounded gazelle, and we are very hungry lions.

Moira:We're very close with Bill and Melinda Gates. We summer together.

Johnny:Every summer.

Moira:We call them Billy and Mel.

Johnny:Very casual relationship.

Bob:I bought this suit for the dinner because I thought it would impress the clients.

David:Dad, you spent three thousand dollars on a suit?

Bob:Well, yes, but—

David:The dinner was cancelled an hour ago.

Bob:What? No, I... I needed to look successful. I'm a failure, David. The business is failing, my marriage is—

Moira:I'm standing right here, Robert.

Bob:The point is, I thought if I looked the part, maybe I could finally feel like I wasn't letting everyone down.

David:Dad, we don't care what suit you're wearing.

Bob:Well, I do.

Bob:She left me for the minister. Apparently he's the 'bad boy' type, and religious experience has a whole different meaning.

Moira:Bob, darling, I heard about your marriage. I'm so sorry. But you know what this means? A fresh start! New beginnings! And more importantly, a chance to liquidate assets.

Johnny:Moira...

Moira:I'm thinking we could help him with the real estate side of things. The house sale, the settlement. We'd take a modest commission, of course.

Stevie:You're being defensive.

David:I'm not being defensive.

David:And I don't care what you think anyway.

Stevie:I'm doing really well, David. Like, really well.

David:Yes, I can see that.

Stevie:Better than you expected?

David:I wouldn't say that.

Stevie:Better than you're doing?

David:Stevie...

Stevie:Just say it.

David:Fine. Yes. You're doing better than I am. Happy?

Stevie:Thrilled.

David:I'm reading a scathing review of Larry Air, and it's absolutely devastating. The reviewer calls their customer service 'aggressively unhelpful' and their planes 'flying coffins.'

Stevie:David, why are you reading this to me?

David:Because you work there, and I'm genuinely embarrassed for you.

Alexis:I need you to prove you're not a serial killer. Blink twice if you're a serial killer.

Limo Driver:I'm not blinking.

Alexis:Exactly. Serial killers always blink. It's like their tell.

Alexis:Ted, you look so handsome and put-together.

Ted:Thank you. Well, I should tell you, I'm only dressed from the waist up. I'm wearing sweatpants.

Alexis:What? Why?

Ted:It's a video call. No one can see below the desk.

Alexis:Well, I mean, he does have very nice hands.

Ted:Oh! Hi.

Twyla:Hi Ted!

Ted:I named the fly after you because it's beautiful and graceful.

Alexis:Oh my God, Ted, that fly eats garbage and throws up on its food before it digests it.

Johnny:We're opening a new location for the business. It's going to be a major expansion.

Roland:That's wonderful news, Johnny! Congratulations!

Jocelyn:Oh my goodness, that's so exciting! But tell me—what color are the napkins going to be?

Roland:So Johnny comes to me with this 'business opportunity,' right? Says he's got a sure thing. Guaranteed returns.

Johnny:Roland, I'm telling you, this is legitimate.

Roland:And I believe him! Why wouldn't I? The man's never lied to me before.

Moira:Roland, Johnny lies constantly.

Roland:Well, I didn't know that at the time!

Johnny:Of course the turtle shows up now.