Maid Of Honour

Moira:John, would you close the curtains? The sun is absolutely murderous.

Johnny:The sun is murderous.

Moira:It's like being inside a tomb. A very bright, very aggressive tomb.

Johnny:You just asked me to close the curtains.

Moira:Yes, and now it's dark. I didn't say it would be pleasant, John.

Moira:Oh my God, is that... wait, what is this? What am I watching?

David:It's your movie trailer, Mom.

Moira:Well, I know that, but where's my close-up? Where's my moment? This is just... an advertisement.

Johnny:Come on, come on, come on...

Moira:Is it buffering?

Johnny:Yes, it's buffering.

Moira:Well, can't you do something about it?

Johnny:I'm not a wizard, Moira.

Moira:No, but you do have a son who knows computers.

David:I know computers, I don't know magic.

Moira:Well, this feels like we need magic.

Moira:Well, this is a technological nightmare of Shakespearean proportions. I'm going to have to insist we return to the pre-digital age where entertainment didn't betray us at every turn.

Alexis:David, I'm so happy for you. I mean, finding love? That's like... that's actually amazing. For you.

Alexis:You know, Patrick is like... he's like a young Orlando Bloom.

David:Orlando Bloom? Alexis, Patrick looks nothing like Orlando Bloom.

Alexis:Okay, fine. He's like a young, less handsome Jake Gyllenhaal.

David:That's not a compliment.

Alexis:He's like if Chad Michael Murray and a piece of whole wheat toast had a baby.

David:Why would you say that?

Alexis:Wait, so you're saying Patrick is like JC Chasez?

Alexis:Because honestly, that tracks.

Alexis:Wait, you asked Ronnie to be your maid of honor?

David:Yes.

Alexis:Ronnie? Who hates you?

Patrick:She doesn't hate him.

Alexis:Patrick, she literally told him to drop dead.

Patrick:That's just how she talks.

Ronnie:I do hate him.

Alexis:Wait, Stevie? Like, the famous Stevie, or local Stevie?

David:It's just Stevie.

Alexis:Yeah, but there's levels to it, David.

David:Fine, go ahead and talk to Stevie. But please try not to make this about you.

Alexis:David, everything is about me.

David:Yes, well, today is ruining my day.

Alexis:I can totally help with the wedding planning. I know a celebrity DJ who's amazing.

Alexis:He did send me some nude photos, but that was just... a thing that happened.

Roland:Well, Johnny, you're one to talk about bad investments. You once paid $40,000 for a timeshare in a strip mall.

Johnny:That was different.

Roland:Was it? Because I'm pretty sure you can't even get a decent footlong there.

Roland:Well, what do we got here? Oh baby, that's a lot of cash!

Johnny:Roland, we need to call the police. There's a gun.

Roland:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. I'm thinking we split this down the middle, you take the money, I'll take the gun.

Johnny:That's not how this works, Roland.

Roland:What? We're partners! Fifty-fifty!

Johnny:They'll be back for their things. People always come back for their things.

Roland:Well, my father never came back for his things, and he left in '82.

Johnny:The coffee is still hot.

Roland:Global warming.

Roland:We should stake out the criminal. I'll go undercover as a woman.

Johnny:Why would you need to go undercover as a woman?

Roland:Criminals don't expect women. They're not looking for a woman.

Moira:Roland, that's a rather reductive assumption about criminal behavior.

Roland:Well, I don't know, Moira. I'm just saying criminals have gender biases.

David:So you're saying we should challenge those stereotypes and recognize that criminals are equal opportunity offenders regardless of gender?

Roland:Exactly! Thank you, David. Criminals come in all genders. We need to be more progressive about this.

Moira:I used thaumaturgy for the special effects.

Moira:The imaginators really outdid themselves with the special effects.

Moira:Well, I was wearing a prosthetic beak. A human beak, if you will.

Moira:Well, the response has been quite effusive. The accolades are arriving at a pace I can barely process. I'm not one to engage in self-aggrandizement, but one would be remiss to ignore the overwhelming tide of approbation.

Moira:Of course, I suppose there may be some small corners of the critical establishment that have yet to weigh in. One does hope they won't be too devastated by their tardy arrival to the consensus.

Jocelyn:Well, it was... it was very long.

Jocelyn:And there were certainly a lot of... people in it.

Jocelyn:I mean, you could definitely tell that someone made it.

Jocelyn:Well, you're really glowing today. Have you been doing something different with your face?

Moira:Oh Jocelyn, thank you! I've actually been trying this new jade roller technique. I'm so glad it's noticeable!

Moira:Were the crows nice?

Twyla:Oh, well, that reminds me of the time a pelican tried to steal my sandwich at the beach. I was wearing my mother's good cardigan, and it had a button missing, so the pelican thought my exposed sternum was a fish. It wasn't. But try explaining that to a pelican.

David:Oh my God, is that a flight attendant uniform? Stevie, you look like you're about to explain the safety features of a Boeing 747 to a cabin full of people who definitely aren't listening.

Stevie:David...

David:I'm just saying, the only thing missing is a forced smile and the dead look of someone who's explained oxygen masks for the thousandth time. Very 'Pan Am' meets 'slowly losing the will to live.'

Stevie:I got the job as a flight attendant.

Stevie:I know what you're thinking. 'Stevie, you hate people.' And you're right. But apparently that's not a dealbreaker for the airline industry.

Stevie:Even the owner is suing his own company

David:Well, let me think about that for a second.

David:Everything.

Roland:These are artisanal potato chips. They're made with spring water that's been blessed by a shaman in Peru.

Johnny:Roland, that's just regular water and potatoes.

Roland:Well, the shaman part really sells it, doesn't it?

Roland:Well, well, well. Look who it is. You know, Johnny, I gotta say, I really admire your confidence. Most people would take one look at that and assume it was a man. But not you. You just went right ahead and assumed it was a man anyway.

Moira:You gave me a look. A look that said 'I have seen the film, and I have decided that it is not for me.' It was a look of such casual indifference that it made me feel as though I had been slowly lowered into a vat of ice water while being told that my life's work was merely adequate.

Moira:Well, I'm sorry, but I found Mike Myers to be quite charming in the Austin Powers films. Very silly, but charming.

Alexis:You know, if you're going to an event, you really need to commit to a look. I once met, dated, and broke up with someone at a gala. It was very efficient.

Alexis:I've planned parties in Monaco, Ibiza, and this one time in international waters where there were literally no laws.

Alexis:I mean, I'm not great at planning things. I once planned a surprise party and forgot to invite the person.

Alexis:Also, I've never actually been to a wedding sober, so I'm not sure what the maid of honor even does.

Alexis:But sure, I can definitely do it. How hard can it be?

Stevie:I've been unemployed twice in the last six months. That's a personal record.

Alexis:Patrick, you look amazing! It's like James Bond, but, like, accessible.

Patrick:Thank you.

Alexis:Yeah, it's giving very 007, but make it small-town Canadian.

Roland:Now look, friend, we don't want any trouble here. This man here, he's what we call a 'Professor Prude' — uptight, doesn't know how to have a good time.

Johnny:Roland!

Roland:What? I'm trying to help!

Prosecutor:I've put away a lot of criminals in my time.

Roland:Well, that's great. I mean, not great for the criminals, but great for, you know, law and order and keeping the streets safe for regular folks like me.

Prosecutor:Thank you.

Roland:Although, I guess 'criminals' is a pretty loaded term. I mean, they're people too, right? People who maybe made some mistakes, or were victims of circumstance, or the system—

Prosecutor:They murdered people.

Roland:Right. Well, then lock 'em up.

Johnny:That was... a very nice thing you did, Roland.

Roland:Just nice? It was spectacular!

Johnny:Yes, well, it was quite good.

Roland:Quite good?! I need you to be more specific. Was it the best thing you've ever seen? Better than television?

Johnny:I... suppose it was well-executed.

Roland:Well-executed?! I need to know if it was better than my last accomplishment. And the one before that. And rank all my accomplishments in order from best to worst, with detailed explanations!

Jocelyn:I have written a review of the film. Moira, I hope this meets your cinematographical standards.

Moira:Oh, Jocelyn, how thoughtful of you.

Jocelyn:The film was very... uh... cromulent. Yes, very cromulent indeed. The acting was positively... flibbertigibbety.

Moira:Those aren't real words, Jocelyn.

Jocelyn:Well, I tried my best.

Moira:The crows have accepted me on set. One even tried to mate with me.

David:Alexis, I have a much better job for you at the wedding. I need someone to handle all the floral arrangements, coordinate with the vendors, manage the timeline...

Alexis:Oh my god, David, that sounds like... a lot of responsibility. What if I just, like, held a clipboard and looked concerned?

Alexis:Wait, so I could be the flower girl, and then during the ceremony I could slip into the back, change into a bridesmaid dress, and walk back out? And then maybe during the reception I could do a quick change into like a hostess situation? I mean, I've done wardrobe changes faster than that at Fashion Week.

David:No.

Alexis:You're not even listening to my vision.