The Premiere

Alexis:I'm essentially a multi-platform digital strategist who leverages synergistic brand optimization through targeted stakeholder engagement and strategic narrative dissemination across diversified mediums.

Moira:Do they pay you by the word?

Alexis:We need to really focus on ideation for the following idea.

David:Wait, you just said you were going to focus on sustainable sourcing, but then you also said you didn't care about where the products came from.

Alexis:Okay, well, why are you even involved in this? This is my thing.

Moira:A local premiere? Well, I have certainly cut many a crimson rug in my day.

Moira:I could be honored at the opening of a new parking garage. They could name a parking space after me. They could paint my face on the pavement.

Moira:Or perhaps they'll host a gala in my honor. A grand, elegant affair.

Moira:Actually, they could host the Met Gala at David's store.

David:The Met Gala? At my store? Mother, my store is 800 square feet. The Met Gala is in New York. And I don't have the infrastructure, the clientele, or frankly, the will to host that event.

Alexis:I'm having a premiere party for my movie, and I need everything to be absolutely perfect.

Roland:Well, you know, I happen to have a contact who rents crows.

Alexis:Why would you have a contact who rents crows?

Roland:You'd be surprised how often that comes up.

Moira:I once attended a premiere on a glass-bottomed pirate ship for a Waterworld sequel.

David:A glass-bottomed pirate ship? For a Waterworld sequel?

Moira:Yes, it was very on-brand for the studio at the time.

David:Good luck.

Moira:Thank you, I'm going to need all the luck I can get.

Patrick:I don't know what's wrong with my car.

Stevie:It's dead. It's completely dead. I would need to examine it more closely, but I'm fairly certain the car is deceased.

Stevie:Apparently being maid of honor now includes dental appointments. I didn't realize that was in the job description, but here we are.

Patrick:Well, I think it's great that you're embracing the whole... rustic charm thing. Not everyone can pull off living in a motel room. Most people would find it depressing, but you seem to have a real knack for making the best of it.

Patrick:I just thought by now I'd have a house, a car, maybe even a kid.

Stevie:You're not having a kid?

Patrick:Well, I mean, eventually, maybe. Why?

Stevie:I don't know, you just seem like you could use one.

Patrick:That's... I'm not sure how to take that.

Jocelyn:And now, the woman we've all been waiting for... Moira Rose!

Moira:Well, that's very kind of you to say, though I wouldn't call it a 'pawky' introduction.

Moira:A dress from 'The Dress Barn'? Jocelyn, that's not a store, that's a zoning violation.

Moira:And it's not a gala, it's a county fair ribbon-cutting ceremony.

Jocelyn:Oh my gosh, I got an autograph from a celebrity!

Jocelyn:But wait, they spelled their name completely differently than how it's actually spelled.

Jocelyn:So now I have an autograph from someone who isn't actually them.

Jocelyn:Well, of course bird scientists would be the ultimate movie critics. They have the best perspective on everything.

Moira:Good fun. So it's good, but not great. Fun, but not hilarious.

Moira:We were very careful not to make an issues movie.

Moira:So I'm thrilled the reviewer found such rich social commentary about the plight of crows.

Moira:Delightfully unhinged. That's exactly what I was going for.

Jocelyn:Moira, that was a backhanded compliment.

Moira:Was it? Because I'm choosing to hear it as high praise. Delightfully unhinged. It's rather fabulous, actually.

Jocelyn:My journalist friend is coming to the event.

Moira:Well, I suppose I'll have to make myself available as a bombshell attendee.

Moira:If you're going to watch this, I suggest you do so with the sound off and subtitles on. That way you can at least pretend you're reading something intellectually stimulating rather than watching a two-hour advertisement for a lifestyle you'll never have.

Moira:Oh, it's perfectly fine. The film completely ignores its own continuity anyway.

David:Oh, thank you, Patrick. Thank you for that. Because what I really needed today was to get completely lost following directions from someone who's still half-unconscious from dental anesthesia.

Patrick:I'm hungry.

Patrick:The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round...

Patrick:You have the most beautiful skin I've ever seen.

David:Well, I do have a very rigorous skincare routine, but it's not a big deal.

Patrick:David, there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about. Something I think could really change our lives.

David:Oh my God, Patrick, not here.

Patrick:I think we should do it soon. I've been thinking about it constantly.

David:Patrick!

Patrick:I want to have a baby.

David:Oh.

Patrick:I've been thinking about it for a while now. I think I want to have a baby.

David:Oh.

Patrick:You'd be a great father.

David:Patrick, I can barely take care of myself. I once forgot to water my plants for three months and cried when they died.

Patrick:That just means you have a capacity for love.

David:It means I'm negligent and emotionally unstable.

Patrick:I wish you'd have my baby.

David:That's not how biology works, and also, no.

Johnny:You know, Stevie, I really admire how you have such a carefree attitude about... tidiness.

Stevie:Actually, I spent three hours cleaning this place.

Johnny:Well, then you have a very clean carefree attitude about tidiness.

Johnny:Stevie, we're entering an exciting new phase. We're talking expansion, we're talking empire building, we're talking about acquiring a second property.

Stevie:You bought another motel?

Johnny:We're not just 'buying' anything, Stevie. We're strategically positioning ourselves in the marketplace. This is about portfolio diversification, about leveraging our brand equity across multiple revenue streams.

Stevie:It's a motel two towns over, isn't it?

Johnny:It's a *gateway* motel, Stevie. It's the beginning of something extraordinary.

Johnny:We need to sit down and talk business.

Johnny:But not on your bed. I don't want to sit on your bed.

Johnny:Stevie, I've been thinking about us, about the business, about our future together.

Stevie:Okay...

Johnny:And I've realized that what I really want is to buy you out of the Rosebud Motel.

Stevie:You... you want to buy me out?

Johnny:Yes. I think it's the best move for both of us.

Johnny:You know, Stevie, your poker face is slipping. I can tell you're absolutely thrilled about this book.

Stevie:I'm not thrilled.

Johnny:Well, you're doing a wonderful job of hiding it.

Alexis:I have a problem.

Moira:Oh sweetie, is it your skin? Because I have a dermatologist who can work miracles. Or your hair? I know someone in Toronto who specializes in damage control. We could do a weekend trip.

Alexis:No, Mom, it's not that.

Moira:Well, then it must be your nails. Or possibly your entire aura.

Moira:Well, I was planning a birthday soirée for a very prominent socialite, and naturally, everything had to be absolutely flawless. I had secured a private jet to transport the guests, but wouldn't you know it, someone died on the flight.

Moira:But did that stop me? No. I simply had the body removed at the next stop, refreshed my lipstick, and we were back on schedule by appetizers.

Alexis:That's my dress!

Moira:Well, the shipping company labeled it so poorly, how was I supposed to know?

Ronnie:I haven't had a minute to myself since the baby was born. It's constant. I'm exhausted.

Ronnie:I don't even remember the last time I had any me time.

Ronnie:Well, I guess I get five, six nights a week when Felix takes the baby and I'm alone in my room, but that doesn't count.

Ronnie:I'm not ready for this premiere. I don't have anything clean to wear.

Ronnie:I've got dirty underwear piled up to the ceiling. Do I look like I have time to do laundry before tonight?

Ronnie:I'll help you out, but I got conditions.

Alexis:Of course you do. What are they?

Ronnie:I want the red carpet treatment. Full VIP situation.

Alexis:Ronnie, it's the opening of a new Subway in Schitt's Creek.

Ronnie:And? I still deserve to be treated like royalty.

Ronnie:I'm going first. I don't care what Roland's doing or what time he's showing up. I'm upstaging that man, and I'm going first.

Johnny:I'm having some technical difficulties.

Stevie:You left instructions.

Johnny:So what did the airline say about your application?

Stevie:They want to hire me as a pilot.

Johnny:A pilot? Stevie, you don't know anything about flying planes.

Stevie:I know. Apparently they called your reference and you told them I was 'excellent under pressure.'

Johnny:I was talking about your ability to work the front desk during busy check-ins!

Stevie:Well, they're very excited to have me start next week.

Stevie:His business card is just a napkin with his phone number written in crayon.

David:He told me I looked like Channing Tatum. And I said, 'Thank you.'

David:I picture things that don't happen all the time. Like, I'm married to Christina Aguilera.

Patrick:I think I've always wanted a baby, you know? It's just been this deep, primal thing inside me.

David:When did this start?

Patrick:I watched 'Nine Months' with Hugh Grant in 1995.

David:Why are you dressed like that?

Johnny:Your mother insisted. Apparently, we're having a 'formal dinner.'

Johnny:David, your pupils are absolutely enormous.

David:Well, maybe I'm just happy to see you.

Johnny:Don't be cute with me.

David:I'm not being cute. I'm being realistic.

Moira:We're having a screening of 'The Crows Have Eyes 3: The Crowening.' It's the third installment in the franchise.

Moira:The Crow... en... ing.

Moira:The title is 'The Awakening: The Crowening'.

Moira:Caw! Caw! No, no, no—CAW! I'm trying to tell you I'm one of you!

Stevie:Well, this is a disaster.

Alexis:Look, I thought they were crows, okay? They looked like crows!

David:Alexis, those are seagulls. Painted seagulls.

Alexis:Well, how was I supposed to know that? They're all black and angry-looking!

Moira:The craftsmanship is actually quite impressive. Very architectural.

Alexis:Okay, so I made one tiny mistake with some birds. It's not like I hurt anyone.

David:Well, the optics on a disaster film actually premiering during a disaster are... not ideal.

Alexis:It's a really solid concept, David. People love events.

David:Yes, and people also love not being sued. Two great tastes that don't go together.

News Reporter:We're following breaking news out of the Schitt's Creek Drive-In where moviegoers attending the premiere of 'The Murder of Crows' were forced to evacuate after an unexpected murder of crows attacked the outdoor venue.

News Reporter:The irony of crow attacks occurring at a movie premiere about crow attacks is not lost on us.

Johnny · Stevie:Stevie! Perfect timing. I was having a technical issue opening a file here. It's, uh, being finicky. / Uh, remember, Mr. Rose? I left you a sticky note.

Johnny:Ah! Boy, it's times like this I really miss having you around, Stevie.

Johnny:Is it Larry Air? 'Cause they called me for a reference, and also asked if I had any interest in becoming a pilot.

Stevie:No. I'm talking about trusting your instincts. [beat] I think I've been taking them for granted.

Johnny:Well, I... should probably tell you that you don't necessarily have to trust all my instincts... all the time. Since you've been gone, I did have to bring on a third business partner, and I may as well tell you that it's... Roland.

Stevie:I know. He gave me his new business card. Never saw so many typos on a business card.

Stevie:Do you mind if we don't talk about Roland right now, 'cause I'm feeling really good about this decision.

David · Patrick:Morning, sunshine. / Mm. It's 5pm. / But good morning.

David:the conversation really ran the gamut. You complimented my flawless skin and called me the Jewish Channing Tatum, which all tracks.

David · Patrick:I put you to sleep after that. / Wait. Are you, are you joking? / No. No, no. You held me close and told me to envision our lives... with a child.

Patrick · David:That, uh, that must've been scary for you. / It was a little triggering. Traumatizing.

Patrick:I'm not married to Christina Aguilera, am I?

Patrick:I don't wanna undermine the significance of this conversation, but I do wanna make it known that I was watching 'Bridget Jones's Baby' right before I went under.

David · Patrick:Okay, well that makes a little more sense then. / Mm. You would be a great dad, though.

Patrick · David:Um... Can you grab me those painkillers, please? I think I'm gonna need a few of them if we're still planning on making it to your mom's thing tonight. / Okay, that's actually a very good idea. I might take one myself. / Apparently the first 15 minutes are very, very dense.

Moira:No, John, tonight is special, and I'd like my hand-candy by my side.

Alexis · David · Patrick:Why are your pupils so dilated. / No, yours are. / No, yours are.

Alexis · Johnny:Why are you dressed like a limo driver? / Your mother insisted.

David · Patrick:Why are your pupils so dilated. / No, yours are. / No, yours are.

Moira:Alexis, Mommy's home now. I'll take it from here.

Moira:Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to a North American screening of... the psychological thriller... 'The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening!'

Moira:Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to a North American screening of... the psychological thriller... Move it along. 'The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening!'

Moira · Alexis:Please, everyone stay calm! Whatever you do, do not look them in the eye! / Okay, you're making them angrier! I'm not, Alexis! I know a bit of their language. CAW! CAW-CAW!

Moira:I know a bit of their language. CAW! CAW-CAW!

David:This is fucked.

Moira:The worst part is people are being robbed of the experience of seeing the film on the big screen.

Johnny:No, that's not the worst part, Moira.

News Anchor (V.O.):Tonight, a murder of wild crows attacked would-be audience members who had come to see a movie about a crow attack. We must warn you, the following content is pretty graphic.

Alexis:Okay, they weren't 'wild' crows. They were supposed to be trained. Trained! Some of them were painted seagulls.

David:It sorta looks like people are running away from your movie, Moira.

Moira · Alexis · David:You! Look what you have done! / Look what I've done? This was your idea, and now I have to pay Ronnie for damage to her carpet! / What were the crows even doing there in the first place? / It's called an immersive experience, David! / Immersed in lawsuits maybe.

Moira:Alexis, make it stop!