Bus Tour

No, I think you should deliver the news. / Yeah, but you're the candidate. / Yeah, but you're the brilliant campaign manager. / But you're the cutest. / I love you. / I love you too.

Leslie's fantasy about her swearing-in includes President Obama personally attending

Luckily, it only hit Jerry, so no damage was done.

This is Bert Macklin's greatest assignment yet.

You can address me as 'eagle one.' Ann, code name: 'Been there, done that.' April is 'currently doing that.' Donna is 'it happened once in a dream.' Chris, code name: 'If I had to pick a dude.' Ben is 'eagle two.'

Ben's relief at being 'Eagle Two' instead of getting a sexual code name

Wha-- I'm on it. I'll go. I'm going. Please, I can go. I don't mind. It's better than listening to her stump speech for a millionth time. No. I will do it. I have to do it. I need to do it. Good-bye.

This has been a difficult year for me, romantically. Millicent Gergich, Ann Perkins, Andy's professor-- lots of disappointment, but if I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

And I will finally eliminate this city's libraries!

Leslie's stump speech is 10 minutes and 40 seconds every time. Here, check this out. There will be a big laugh right... now.

And now, a two-second awkward silence after Leslie does her Rodney Dangerfield impression. I tell ya, these geese don't give me no respect. No respect at all. She insists on trying it every time, and it never works.

Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day, all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon.

Andy recreating the pie trajectory by smashing pie into Jerry's face repeatedly

The video shows that the pie came from a high angle, so it would've hit your face... like this. Don't close your eyes.

Yeah, it was $900, but now it's $10,000. The Newport campaign offered me 10 grand to just rent the vans and park them somewhere.

Nick Newport has been intimidating and bullying and poisoning this town for years. Frankly, he's a real jerk, and if he thinks he can buy this election for his son, he's wrong. Sorry, I meant can you comment on Nick Newport dying earlier today? He died?

Sad. Is that your official statement? 'I sad'? No, my official statement is that is overall, a bummer.

Anything else would be a classless move, on par with spray-painting nipples on the Lincoln memorial.

Leslie organizing people by how much she trusts them

Good answer, great body.

I wasn't listening, but I strongly disagree with Ann.

If the--if the guy--if-- Okay.

What's next on the 'schedge?'

I have a business idea for a gourmet alcoholic yogurt. I call it... Yogurt platinum.

'We're all your friends,' said Mr. bacon. 'Welcome home.' The end. And that is Groffle, the awful Waffle, a book that I wrote and published on behalf of my education initiative.

Leslie reading her children's book 'Groffle, the Awful Waffle'

I should not have called Nick Newport a jerk, because we need to be respectful of all dead people. I mean, not Stalin or Hitler, but-- I'm not calling Nick Newport Hitler.

Leslie's spiral comparing Newport to Hitler then catching herself

Are there any other deceased members of Bobby Newport's family you'd like to attack? And quit ducking the waffle question. Did Groffle use a boat of some kind?

Are we to assume that he swam across the syrup river?

I own a fleet of 22 crappy white vans, and for some reason there's a massive bidding war going on over them. Now for a guy whose only assets are 22 crappy white vans, it's pretty much a dream scenario, so I'm just going to ride this out, see where it takes me. And now it's 15,000.

Leslie Knope is driving her campaign bus through a memorial service. Just when we thought she couldn't stoop any lower.

Hi... Sorry, are we late?

We brought a 'sorry for your loss' fruit basket for Bobby. And it is very classy. No melon, no apples.

'Cause I'm smarter and faster. That is not a judgment. That's just a fact.

Okay, first of all, dark places are awesome. Secondly, Ann is kind of lame, so way to dodge a bullet. And Millicent is Jerry's daughter, so two bullets.

I'm not fine. It didn't work.

He was, like, a million years old. And he was kind of a jerk.

Your mom and my dad are both dicks.

Or... Leslie wasn't the target. Well, who then? Okay, that's permanent marker. Go find Ben, get a list of everyone he's ever fired. Go, go! Macklin, you son of a bitch.

And I won. It was awesome. My dad wrapped me in a big hug, said he was proud of me. That's just a great story that happened between me and my dad and nobody else.

Bobby's unexpected endorsement of Leslie after she was 'super, super awesome'

But you're the opposition campaign manager. I--I couldn't do that to Leslie. Oh, for God's sake, Chris. This campaign is over. My job is done and so is yours. It's just sex. I'm very good at it.

Sewage Joe. Ben Wyatt fired you for sending pictures of your penis to everyone, and you've come here to 'pie' him. Little twerp has it coming.