Win, Lose, Or Draw

Election Commissioner:According to city ordinance 47-B, women are only permitted to vote on Tuesdays and Thursdays, provided they have written permission from a male relative or employer.

Election Commissioner:Look, is it unconstitutional? Sure. But that's not really my department.

Bobby Newport:Wait, so you're telling me the voting machines might not be working right? But... but do they at least give out candy when you're done voting?

Bobby Newport:Wait, why does it keep voting for me? That's... that's great!

Ben Wyatt:Bobby, the machine is broken.

Bobby Newport:Broken? It's working perfectly!

Tom:Random complaint about food that has nothing to do with the conversation

Bobby Newport:I'm sorry. I just don't see the problem.

Tom:We were going to do a sophisticated black-tie gala, but then we realized that Ben Wyatt is colorblind, so we changed it to a rave so he wouldn't notice if his outfit didn't match.

Tom:I had this dream that I was at a beach resort, right? And it was super romantic. There were candles everywhere, soft music playing...

Tom:And then somehow, inexplicably, Seal showed up. The singer. Just Seal, standing there in his leather outfit.

Tom:And I'm like, 'Seal? Why are you here? This is supposed to be romantic!' But he just kept singing 'Kiss From a Rose' over and over.

Tom:Then David Blaine appeared and started doing magic tricks. Terrible magic tricks. Like, he kept trying to make the ocean disappear and it wasn't working.

Tom:And the whole time I'm supposed to be having this romantic moment with my future wife, but I'm just watching Seal and David Blaine argue about who's more relevant.

Tom:And then this baby—this tiny baby—just hands me a briefcase with like ten million dollars in it. And I'm like, 'Thank you, baby.' And the baby's like, 'You're welcome, Tom. You deserve it.'

Bobby Newport:I'm going to vote for Leslie.

Bobby Newport:I'm going to vote for her like a hundred times.

Leslie Knope:That's not how voting works.

Bobby Newport:Oh, so you can only vote once per election?

Bobby Newport:That seems like a flaw in the system.

Ben:Oh sure, I'll take that job right after I'm drafted by the NBA.

Andy:What is this thing?

April:Don't touch it.

Andy:But I just want to see—

April:I said don't touch it, Andy.

Chris:Ann, I need to tell you something. It was just a one-night stand.

Ann:Just one night?

Chris:Well, okay, it was two nights.

Ann:Two nights, Chris?

Chris:Fine, it was a weekend.

Ann:A weekend?

Chris:A long weekend.

Ann:How long?

Chris:It's been three months.

Ann:Wait, how many times did you two...?

Chris:All in one night.

Ann:All in one night?! I thought you meant over weeks!

Chris:Last night with Jen was incredible. It was like a perfect game of basketball - we had amazing chemistry, great timing, and I scored... multiple times.

Chris:Actually, it was more like a triathlon. There were three distinct events, each with their own challenges and a brief transition period in between.

Chris:And the stamina required? I've trained for marathons that were easier than last night. My heart rate was in the optimal cardio zone for a solid forty-five minutes.

Andy:April? April, where are you?

April:I'm under the table.

Andy:Why are you under the table?

April:Because I don't want to talk to anyone.

April:Oh my god, I deleted all the files. All of them.

Andy:What? How did you do that?

April:I don't know, I was trying to organize them and I just... they're gone.

Andy:Okay, okay, don't panic. We'll figure this out.

April:I am panicking!

Andy:You know what? I'm going to get under this table until this blows over.

Andy:Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?

April:Andy, that's not going to help. All the files are deleted.

Andy:Well, did you check if they're in the Recycle Bin? On my Xbox, everything goes to a recovery folder.

Tom:That's... actually not terrible advice.

Andy:See? Video games teach you real-world skills.

Bobby Newport:I need help with this voting thing. How do I do it?

Leslie Knope:You just fill in the circle next to the candidate's name.

Bobby Newport:Okay, but which end of the pen do I use?

Leslie Knope:The... the pointy end, Bobby.

Bobby Newport:Oh no, I already broke it.

News Anchor:We're getting early returns on the city council race, and in a shocking turn of events, the porn star is winning.

Leslie:Oh my God. She's winning. We're losing to a porn star. This is... this is like if Italy had to choose between Michelangelo and Silvio Berlusconi, and they picked Berlusconi.

Leslie:Ann, you are such a beautiful, articulate, well-spoken black woman.

Ann:Leslie, I'm not black.

Leslie:Oh my God, I am so sorry. You are such a beautiful, articulate, well-spoken woman of color.

Jerry:I've been working on this campaign all day. I haven't stopped for a second.

Ron:Did you vote?

Jerry:Vote? No, I've been too busy working on the campaign.

Ron:The campaign you were working on was to get people to vote.

Jerry:I know.

Ron:And you didn't vote.

Jerry:I didn't think about it.

Ron:If you can't vote, that's one less idiot voting. Now, if you could vote, that would be a disaster. So this is actually the best thing that could happen.

Chris:So last night with Jen, I was thinking about efficiency. We tried seven different positions, and I calculated that missionary is actually the most effective for calorie burn per minute when you factor in the angle of core engagement.

Andy:Hey, hey, it's going to be okay. You're not going to get fired.

April:You don't know that.

Andy:I do know that. And if you do get fired, we'll figure it out together. We could move to a new town, start over with new names.

April:Okay...

Andy:We'll get fake IDs, live off the grid, maybe rob a few banks.

April:Andy...

Andy:We'll become professional jewel thieves. We'll steal the Crown Jewels. We'll rob the Federal Reserve. We'll kidnap the president.

April:You need to stop.

Andy:We'll start our own country and declare war on the United States.

Leslie:I am absolutely exhausted. That was the most intense workout of my life.

Ann:Leslie, you've been in there for 22 seconds.

Leslie:Exactly. 22 seconds of pure cardio excellence.

Leslie:I can't function with these boxing gloves still on.

Ron Swanson:A gin and tonic? That's a drink for people who don't respect themselves or alcohol.

Ben:Ron, I need some advice. Leslie wants me to change some things about myself.

Ron:No. Absolutely not. Change is the enemy of progress.

Ben:But what if the changes would make me happier?

Ron:Happiness is irrelevant. You were born a certain way. You should die that way. The same clothes, the same breakfast, the same wood stain on your deck.

Ben:Even my clothes?

Ron:Especially your clothes. The moment you buy a new shirt, you've already lost. Next thing you know, you're eating different foods, living in a different house, voting for a different party. It's a slippery slope to chaos.

Ron:I have a list of things that will never change. My name will always be Ron Swanson. I will always love breakfast food. I will always make my own beef jerky. I will always oppose the government.

Ron:I don't own a cell phone. I don't use email. I don't have a bank account. I pay for everything in cash, which I keep buried on my property. I don't believe in Social Security. I have no driver's license.

Ron:I hunt my own food. I make my own clothes. I live completely outside of modern society, and frankly, I'm not sure why you people haven't figured that out yet.

Leslie:I can't believe I lost.

Leslie:*laughs inappropriately*

Jen Barkley:Leslie, you need to concede. I can make this easy for you.

Jen Barkley:I'll give you a direct line to the President. Any time, day or night.

Leslie Knope:The President of what?

Jen Barkley:The United States.

Leslie Knope:Oh my God.

Ben:Wait, is that a real number? Because I could use that for fundraising.

Tom:You know what? I'm not even worried about the election anymore. I'm too busy tracking emerging lifestyle trends. Did you know that artisanal pickle water is going to be huge?

Leslie:This is all my fault. I dragged all of you into this. You guys gave up everything - your jobs, your homes, your dignity - and for what? So I could chase some ridiculous dream?

Leslie:I'm the worst friend in the entire world. I'm worse than Benedict Arnold. I'm worse than Genghis Khan. I'm worse than whoever invented the baby stroller that doesn't fit in the overhead compartment.

Ron:I've been drinking since I was a boy.

Leslie:Ron, that's not something to be proud of.

Ron:I'm not proud. I'm just stating facts.

April:I want to be a forensic pathologist or a professional assassin. You know, something that really lets me combine my love of death with my love of money.

April:Oh my god, I deleted all the files! Everything is gone!

Donna:Relax. I prepared for Jerry's incompetence years ago with a secret backup system.

Andy:Of course you did.

Donna:I have backups of backups. Backups hidden in places Jerry will never find them. I even have a backup of my backup system.

Leslie:Ben, this is the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me.

Ben:You like it? I thought you could use something to remember Washington by.

Leslie:Remember Washington? Ben, look around my office. I have a Washington Monument on my desk, on my shelf, on my windowsill, in my drawer, on my wall...

Leslie:We lost the recount. It's over. I can't believe this.

Ann:Actually, you won. By three votes.

Leslie:What? Ann, why would you do that to me?

Ann:Leslie, I have some bad news about the election results.

Leslie:What? No, that's not possible. I was supposed to win!

Ann:Just kidding! You won! I was pranking you!

Leslie:Ann! That's not funny!

Jean-Ralphio:So you got a job opening here? I'm looking for work.

Parks Department Employee:Well, we have an opening. Have you ever committed insurance fraud?

Jean-Ralphio:Oh yeah, tons of times. Why, is that bad?

Tom:I have a premonition that we're going to get back together.

Ann:Tom, that's not a premonition, that's just wishful thinking.

Ann:Oh my God, we're back together!

Chris:You know, I have to say, tonight was really something special. I mean, I showed up, I was present, I listened—well, I mostly thought about how well I was listening. And honestly, the way I handled that situation was probably the best anyone could have handled it. In fact, I'm pretty sure historians will study tonight as a turning point in human achievement. My achievement, specifically. I'm not trying to brag, but I may have just single-handedly improved the lives of everyone in this room by approximately 7%. Me. Just me. This is the best day of everyone's life and they don't even know it yet.

Andy:Wait, you want to be a cop? All your dream jobs were cop jobs?

April:Yes.

Andy:Huh. You know what? Maybe I should be a cop too.

April:No.

Leslie:We did it! We actually pulled off the whole thing!

Everyone:Cheers!

Jerry:You know, if I hadn't accidentally deleted that email back in 2009, none of this would have happened.

Leslie:We did it! We actually did it!

Leslie:And now we're gonna celebrate by going to the Sweetums factory and eating desserts until we die!

Jen Barkley · Ben Wyatt:Oh, come on. It's over. Just concede. Newport won by 21 votes. That's well within the margin for a recount. Please don't do this. I really want to get out of here.

Jen Barkley · Ben Wyatt:How about this? Why don't I make you guys a deal? Okay, there's no deal in the world that we would ever possibly... I'll give you Joe Biden's home phone number. Now, hang on. That's interesting.

Tom Haverford:Man, this is stressful. I picked the wrong week to do a juice cleanse.

Ron Swanson:That's a nice chair. Corinthian leather. Solid mahogany frame with, what I believe, are hand-cut mortise and tenon joints. Pinned with oak. I was really looking forward to sitting in it.

Ron Swanson:Let's go back to the party. You drive. I've had 11 whiskeys.

Andy Dwyer:Okay. That's good on places to live. Let's go back to dream jobs. If we have to start a new life, I have, 'Detective, F.B.I. agent, policeman, C.I.A. agent.'

April Ludgate:A dental hygienist who's also a medium, so I can clean people's teeth and tell them when they're going to die.

Andy Dwyer:That's brilliant.

Donna Meagle:Let's make this fast. I almost made it with Councilman Howser before you interrupted us.

Donna Meagle:Jerry accidentally deletes things all the time. Ten years ago, I installed my own secret backup.

Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt:You have to go to Washington. I told you I'm turning it down. I was being selfish. You put your whole life on hold for me.

Leslie Knope:I'll go visit you, then you come visit me, then I go visit you again, and then we make out in the Lincoln Bedroom and the Jefferson Memorial and the Supreme Court Gallery. We'll do it all over Washington.

Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope:Where did you get a Washington Monument figurine at midnight on a Tuesday? From my office. I have, like, 50 of them.

Leslie Knope · Ann Perkins:That was really sneaky, Ann. I know. I couldn't resist.

Unknown character/Ben Wyatt:You're kind of ruining it now.

Jen Barkley · Ann Perkins:Great. That is great news. I'm going to see you in D.C. Yeah, I guess you will. Yeah. Damn it. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Chris. Oh, he's just right over there. He seems really busy. Anyway, would you tell him I said goodbye? Great. Thank you.

Ann Perkins · Jen Barkley:Sorry we didn't get a chance to meet. I'm Ann. That doesn't matter. I'm leaving.

Jean-Ralphio Saperstein:Was someone just talking about a job opening? Because guess who's got two thumbs and was just cleared from insurance fraud? This guy. You know? Got off on a technicality. What's the gig? I'm in.

Jean-Ralphio Saperstein:There's no job for you. That's a smart move. Go with your gut, right? I'll talk to you guys soon.

Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope:Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope. Someday, when I'm more emotionally stable, I want to read the concession speech you wrote for me. I never wrote it.

Tom Haverford · Ann Perkins:Tommy! This party was amazing. You're amazing. You are ridiculous, but I like you. And I think that we should date all of it. Let's do it. Let's date. This is my dream! 'Nostratomus!' It's happening. Awesome.

Tom Haverford · Ann Perkins:Hey, let's move in together. Totally. Really? Yeah. All right. No take-backs when we sober up, though, partner. No take-backs, partner. We're cowboys.

Chris Traeger:Great win. Great night. Great year. Hot wife. Jackpot.

Chris Traeger:Good job, me.

April Ludgate · Andy Dwyer:Almost everything you wrote on that board as a dream job was some type of police officer. How does this sound? 'Officer Dwyer, Pawnee P.D.'

Leslie Knope:Guys, we're going to J.J.'s for victory waffles, and then we're staying up all night talking about our lives and our feelings. Non-negotiable. Let's go. City Council, bitches!

Unknown · Multiple Characters:Jerry forgot to vote. Damn it, Jerry!