Win, Lose, Or Draw

In the event of an exact tie, the seat is awarded to the male candidate, and the female candidate is put in jail.

I don't think it would hold up in court but it is city law.

Shouldn't we be rewarding our citizens for voting? I'm never against anyone getting a candy bar.

I'm sorry. I just don't see the problem.

This isn't a bagel.

It is no longer a 'Pimps and Hoes' pajama party.

That idea was nixed by a certain uptight nerd who shall remain nameless.

Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl were playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me, and she says, 'Tommy, tomorrow night, I'm taking you back.'

Then, Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and gave me $40 million.

Leslie, you can't vote for yourself, I don't think. I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Yeah. That sounds great, but the Pacers called, and they're asking me to be their starting point guard.

Look at that. Look at that thing. What is that? Don't touch it.

Recently, in a moment of weakness, I had sex with Bobby Newport's campaign manager, Jennifer Barkley. Seriously? Yes, several times. And then, several more times. And then a couple more times. And then one more time.

How long has this been going on? Oh, It's just last night.

But our ferocious sexual decathlon did radically improve my mood

April? Got your message! Where are you? Under the table. Why are you hiding?

First of all, you did the right thing by hiding under this table. Secondly, your man is here. I'm going to take care of this for us.

I've been playing Xbox for years. I'm really good at fixing it when it freezes. I know exactly what to do.

Leslie, I can't figure this thing out. Can you help me? Yeah. Just hang on a second, Bobby. I got ink all over my hands, and the pen thingy came off the chain.

With just 1% of the precincts reporting, adult film star, Brandi Maxxxx, has a commanding lead.

Oh, my God. That's it. It's not Bobby Newport who's going to beat me. It's Brandi Maxxxx. The porn star. What is this, Italy?

your ambiguous ethnic blend perfectly represents the dream of the American melting pot

Ron? I handed out 1,000 leaflets today. That is a personal best. Now, I'm off to vote. The polls are closed.

Nothing you can do. Except hope Leslie doesn't lose by one vote.

There were moments that I didn't fully understand some of the physical shapes that we were making. But the sensations were amazing.

I'll quit, and we'll leave together. I'm serious. Move to a new city, change our names, burn our fingertips off with acid, swap faces.

How long was that? Twenty-two seconds. Boy, that's disappointing.

Ann, my hands. Don't panic. Here. My hands, Ann. They're in these round gloves.

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

Well, I've never been one for meeting new people or doing new things or eating new types of food or traveling outside of Southern Indiana. I've had the same haircut since 1978, and I've driven the same car since 1991. I've used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl.

I still get my milk delivered by horse.

Why are you laughing? Because my dream is dead.

I'll give you Joe Biden's home phone number.

Now, hang on. That's interesting.

I picked the wrong week to do a juice cleanse.

Every five-minute coffee-break at work. Every night, every weekend, every spare moment of their lives, they gave to me. If I lose, I'll never forgive myself.

Let's go back to the party. You drive. I've had 11 whiskeys.

A dental hygienist who's also a medium, so I can clean people's teeth and tell them when they're going to die.

Fixed it. What? What? How? Jerry accidentally deletes things all the time. Ten years ago, I installed my own secret backup.

Where did you get a Washington Monument figurine at midnight on a Tuesday? From my office. I have, like, 50 of them.

But you won. You won, Leslie. You won by 21 votes.

That was really sneaky, Ann. I know. I couldn't resist.

Because guess who's got two thumbs and was just cleared from insurance fraud? This guy. You know? Got off on a technicality.

Tommy! This party was amazing. You're amazing. You are ridiculous, but I like you. And I think that we should date all of it.

Great win. Great night. Great year. Hot wife. Jackpot. Good job, me.

How does this sound? 'Officer Dwyer, Pawnee P.D.'

Jerry forgot to vote. Damn it, Jerry!

City Council, bitches!