Conflict Resolution

Kevin:Oh, we're obviously going to get the gig. I mean, we're pretty good. We've been practicing in my mom's basement for like three weeks now.

Jim:I can't believe I have to hear about wedding napkins all day.

Pam:It's just a few details, Jim.

Jim:A few details? Yesterday you spent twenty minutes debating the thread count of tablecloths.

Dwight:Amateurs. When I get married, there will be no such frivolity. I've already ordered deer urine online to mark the perimeter of the ceremony.

Jim:Deer urine? Dwight, why would you—

Dwight:To establish dominance and ward off weaker males. It's what nature intended.

Jim:Right. Of course it is.

Pam:Well, I just think that some people at the office have been kind of mean to me, and I don't really want them there. Like, Ryan called me a hussy once, but he said it really sweetly, so I'm still not inviting him.

Creed:I got this haircut for five bucks. And that included the shampoo.

Photographer:Are you wearing glasses?

Dwight:No.

Photographer:So you're not wearing glasses.

Dwight:Correct.

Photographer:Then what is this?

Dwight:This is my face.

Photographer:Is this some kind of disguise?

Dwight:I bring a gun to work every day. It's in my desk drawer. I could pull it out at any time. But I don't, because I have discipline. Unlike some people, if I was deranged.

Oscar:Angela has this poster of a baby on her desk, and I'm like, 'That's not even your baby.' And she's like, 'It's inspirational.' No, it's creepy. It's like having a poster of someone else's child in your cubicle. That's child abuse.

Oscar:If Jesus saw that poster, he would weep. He would actually weep. Not because of the baby, but because Angela thinks that's inspirational.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. So you two are... together?

Oscar:What? No!

Angela:Absolutely not.

Michael:But you were just yelling at each other with such passion. I figured that meant you guys were, you know, in love or something.

Oscar:Michael, we were arguing about accounting practices.

Michael:Right, right. The language of love.

Michael:There are five styles of conflict resolution: avoiding, accommodating, competing, compromising, and collaborating.

Michael:Avoiding is like a crane kick to the face. Accommodating is like... okay, imagine you're in the Karate Kid, and Mr. Miyagi is telling you to wax on, wax off.

Michael:Competing is like when the Cobra Kai strikes first, strikes hard, no mercy. Compromising is more of a Kung Fu Panda philosophy.

Michael:And collaborating is when you're doing that thing where two martial artists become one and they can read each other's minds.

Michael:I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. So I've developed a system. When two people are in conflict, I don't choose a side. I find a win-win solution.

Michael:Win-win-win. The third win is for me, because I'm the one who came up with it.

Angela:I feel like this is a very important piece of art. It speaks to the purity of childhood and the innocence we've all lost.

Angela:I interpret the composition as a meditation on vulnerability and our need to protect what's sacred in this world.

Oscar:You know what? Cute babies are more offensive than hardcore pornography. At least pornography is honest about what it is.

Pam:What if we just... hung the poster upside down? That way it's still there, but it's also not there.

Jim:Pam, that doesn't solve anything.

Pam:No, no, think about it. If it's upside down, technically it's a different poster. So we're not violating the rules.

Michael:No, no, no. That's not how we do things here. We need to commit to a vision. A poster is a statement. It's a lifestyle choice.

Angela:You solved it?

Michael:That's what she said.

Toby:I send all of Dwight's complaints to a special file in New York.

Dwight:What kind of file?

Toby:A very special one.

Toby:It's a box. Under my desk.

Creed:Women are like mermaids. If they exist, they're out of my league.

Michael:Nice.

Michael:I have no complaints filed against me. None.

Toby:Actually, that's not true.

Toby:I have 47 complaints here from just the last three months.

Michael:We need to address the complaints we've received.

Michael:Some of these issues are really hard to get on top of.

Michael:That's what she said.

Dwight:Complaints? From six months ago? But I've been perfect for at least... three months.

Dwight:Wait. Six months ago was... that was when I was still... no. No, that's impossible.

Dwight:Who filed these complaints? I demand to know who would dare question my performance before my recent transformation into an even better version of myself.

Michael:Join the club. He ignores me too.

Pam:Okay, so there's something I need to tell you about Angela.

Pam:Dwight tried to kiss me.

Stanley:Well, if the bathroom isn't whites-only, then what's with all the white on the sign?

Jim:I parked in his spot on purpose. I wanted to see him mad.

Creed:You know what? I eat a lot of fiber. My colon is very clean.

Michael:Kevin, Angela says you've been making inappropriate comments. That's unacceptable. So here's what we're gonna do—you're gonna apologize to her.

Kevin:Okay.

Michael:And then you're gonna buy her lunch. Her choice of restaurant.

Kevin:Sounds fair.

Michael:And finally, you're gonna compliment her appearance once a day for the next month.

Kevin:Done.

Photographer:Come on, just smile for the camera.

Dwight:Smiling is a sign of weakness. When you smile, you're essentially saying, 'I am not a threat.' Predators take advantage of that. I never smile. It's a sign that I'm always ready for confrontation.

Jim:My middle name is 'fart'?

Dwight:Jim's insubordination and general buffoonery have reached a critical level. I'm calling a meeting with corporate to address his malfeasance.

Jim:Malfeasance? Dwight, I was just joking around.

Dwight:This ends now, Jim. Either you shape up, or I'm filing a formal complaint that will result in your immediate termination. That's not a threat—that's a promise.

Michael:You know what solves problems? Cage matches. Two people go in, one person comes out.

Michael:And that person has learned their lesson about conflict.

Jim:Yeah, I may have paid a few people to do it.

Jim:Best $40 I've ever spent.

Michael:Dwight, you submitted a formal complaint about Jim?

Dwight:Yes, he's been framing me. Setting me up to look guilty of crimes I didn't commit.

Michael:What? What crimes?

Dwight:Murder. He's been leaving evidence at crime scenes. My fingerprints, my hair.

Michael:Dwight, Jim hasn't left crime scenes anywhere.

Dwight:That's what he wants you to think. He's three steps ahead. He's always three steps ahead. I need protection.

Michael:Dwight went into the women's room and found Meredith on the toilet. He thought it was a baby.

Dwight:It was the most horrifying experience of my life. I have filed a formal complaint.

Jim:So what happened is, we've been gradually increasing the weight of the phone on Dwight's desk.

Jim:Like, a little bit heavier each day. He never noticed.

Jim:Until today when he went to pick it up like he always does, and he swung it up to his ear without thinking about it, and it was so heavy that it just... smacked him right in the face.

Jim:So we moved Dwight's desk closer to the copier. We did it really slowly, like a few inches a day, so he wouldn't notice.

Jim:And every time he'd leave his desk, we'd move it a little bit more.

Jim:By the end of the week, his desk was basically in the supply closet by the copier.

Jim:The best part? He never even realized it happened. He just kept coming in and wondering why the copier sounded like it was right next to him.

Michael:Shiatsu massage is an ancient Japanese healing technique that aligns your chakras and releases tension from your body.

Michael:Actually, I've never had one. They sound terrible.

Jim:What if we both transferred to Stamford?

Dwight:I would never leave Scranton. Angela needs me here.

Jim:Oh yeah, Angela's really been missing you at the office.

Michael:Everyone say 'cheese'! Come on, this is great! We all aired our grievances, we're closer than ever. Smile! This is the best day ever!

Pam:Angela, I know you filed a complaint about me. Why would you do that?

Angela:I didn't file any complaint about you.

Pam:Then who did?

Phyllis:That was me.

Michael:Okay everyone, gather around for the photo. Come on, tighter. Get in there. No, no, no, that's not right. Okay, everybody smile! Hold it... hold it... Perfect! Wait, someone blinked. Okay, take two. Alright, everyone back together. Come on, we're burning daylight here.

Michael:You know what? I negotiated a great deal with the photographer. Only fifty bucks for the whole session.

Michael:Turns out he charges by the photo. We're now at four hundred and seventy-five dollars.

Michael:You know, I have been in a lot of cages. I have fought many lions. But I have never, ever fought in a cage match against my actual nemesis. Until now. And his name is Toby.

Michael:Toby is the physical embodiment of everything that is wrong with the world. He represents the death of fun, the crushing of dreams, the slow erosion of the human spirit.

Michael:So I'm taking him down. Metaphorically. And literally, if HR allows it.