Drug Testing

Dwight · Kevin:Dwight ordering Kevin to spit out whatever he's chewing as part of drug testing protocol

Dwight · Office Worker:Someone in the office compliments Dwight — 'You look cute today, Dwight.' He responds: 'Thanks, girl.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head: 'Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.' Then lists marijuana symptoms that describe Kevin exactly.

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'I like the people I work with generally. With four exceptions. But someone committed a crime. And I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends.'

Dwight:'And by the way, I haven't.' — Dwight's follow-up beat confirming he has made zero friends

Angela:Angela confessional: 'I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.'

Pam · Kelly:Pam's talking-head about Jim's impressions: She tries to demonstrate his Phyllis impression and completely fails, then the confession dissolves into Kelly interrupting with a party story

Kelly:Kelly's story about chugging at a party: 'The guys are saying chug chug chug but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie M pretzels from the food court. So I said, is it okay if I sip it?'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight's interrogation of Ryan: 'Your ass is on the line, Mister!' followed by Ryan calmly answering 'Six' when asked what time he left

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight threatens to search Ryan's car 'the hard way' — which turns out to be going to the police station on his lunch break to get a warrant

Ryan:Ryan: 'Yeah, let's do it that way.' — after Dwight outlines the elaborate warrant process

Dwight:Dwight: 'If you are attempting to compliment me, you have done a very good job.' (responding to being called a narc) / 'I am very proud of being a narc.'

Michael:Michael's drug impression bit: 'Dude, where's my office? I totally lost it! 'Cause I was half-baked! Smoking doobies! Doobie Brothers. I was smoking doobies with my brothers. Peace out! Seacrest.'

Office Worker:'Well, your office is behind you.' — An office worker gently redirecting Michael after his stoner bit

Michael:Michael: 'Mmmunchies. Who wants some munchies?' — immediately after someone directed him to his office

Jim:Jim confessional: 'I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.'

Dwight:Dwight interviews Oscar: 'Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.'

Oscar:Oscar simply walking out of the interview after 'Have you ever pooped a balloon?'

Dwight:Dwight confessional after Oscar leaves: 'He sure left in a hurry. I don't wanna blow this.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight holds up the drug evidence: 'Do you know what this is?' / Jim: 'Yes, it's marijuana.' / Dwight: 'How do you know that?' / Jim: 'It's labeled.' / Dwight: 'Dammit.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.' Jim: 'No. It's marijuana.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight to Jim: 'Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember.' Jim: 'I would remember.' Dwight: 'Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?' Jim: 'That's not how it works.' Dwight: 'Now, how do you know how it works?'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight interrupts his own interview by switching to asking Jim to do a Stanley impression — having heard from Pam that Jim does impressions

Jim · Stanley:Jim does his Stanley impression — 'Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?' — and Stanley walks in mid-impression

Dwight:Dwight confessional: '[Jim] does everyone in the office. Hmm.' — delivered with dawning, slightly jealous realization

Stanley · Dwight:Stanley says 'I do not think that is funny.' Dwight says the exact same phrase simultaneously — then 'Jinx. Buy me a coke. No no no! No talking.'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a Coke. Those are the rules of Jinx. And they are unflinchingly rigid.'

Dwight:The vending machine is sold out of Coke — Dwight announces 'Sold out! That has never happened in the history of Jinx!'

Jim:Jim (still under Jinx) gestures/reacts but cannot speak — and someone says 'Sorry, that's not my problem.' Jim is visibly frustrated but mute

Dwight · Jim:Dwight takes Jim aside: 'I know you're innocent. But I can't look like I'm treating you any differently.' — conducting a fake interview for appearances

Michael · Kevin · Office Workers:Michael calls an announcement and everyone assumes he's ratting someone out — 'Narc! Narc!' / 'Kevin, that is so good, Michael.' — then reveals drug testers are coming

Michael:Michael's confessional about the Alicia Keys concert — 'I scored these great aisle seats... this beautiful girl... I never get to meet girls with lip rings... one of her friends started passing around some stuff. And they said that it was clove cigarettes. And I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes.'

Michael · Toby:Michael cancels drug testing and says he'll do a 'visual inspection' instead — Toby: 'No, you cannot. It has to be official. And it has to be urine.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael asks Kevin about Rogaine — Kevin: 'I'm not taking Rogaine.' — Kevin's visible discomfort at being called out publicly

Michael · Angela:Michael asks Angela: 'You're not on anything?' — with clear implication that she seems like she could use something

Kelly:Kelly's confessional about her upcoming second date with Ryan — new dress, 'kind of low cut at the top to show some things but not everything. I mean, not everything, Jim. I promise.'

Michael:Michael's anti-drug speech: 'Take Cheech and Chong. Everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. But just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot.'

Michael:Michael claims calling Dwight a narc was 'a test' and that everyone failed

Michael:Michael: 'I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael: 'This year, more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.' Oscar: 'Where did you get these facts?'

Michael:Michael asks 'Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?' — 'doing alcohol'

Office Worker:The person who responds: 'I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week for the antioxidants.'

Michael · Toby:Michael reveals his drug list — Toby corrects him: 'Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.' / Michael: 'Yes, it is.' / Toby: 'No, it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or...'

Michael · Toby:Michael's response to Toby's hookah correction: 'In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.' / Toby: 'You can't do that.' / Michael: 'I can test anyone randomly. And I have chosen you randomly.' / Toby: 'That's not random.' / Michael: 'Okay, eenie, meanie, miney, moe. Is random.'

Michael · Pam · Jim:Michael puts Pam in charge of finding a drug tragedy story — suggests Jim has 'an amazing story about a relative caught up in the world of drugs' — Jim who is under Jinx and cannot speak

Michael:Michael encourages a silent Jim: 'This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. It's okay. Just... we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you.'

Jim · Michael:Jim fake cries — escalating melodrama — then stops abruptly. Michael: 'Oh. Okay, are you sure? That looked like it was gonna be good.'

Michael:Michael's closing anti-drug speech: 'I hate drugs. I hate them. And based upon what I have seen, you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do. So you are going to have a drug test. And I am not.'

Dwight:Dwight calls the testing lab: 'Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. We test a lot of urine. Mine was green. Oh, right. How are you? I'm all better.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight approaches a coworker (implied to be Pam based on context) to request clean urine — his opening: 'I need your urine.'

Dwight:'Like, in a cup?' / Dwight: 'Yes, in a cup. We're not animals, Dwight.'

Michael:Michael explains the Alicia Keys situation to Pam/the person whose urine he's requesting — 'I need clean urine for the lady.'

Michael:Michael's pitch for why providing urine isn't illegal: 'Urine goes all over the place, you know? There's no controlling it. It just... Not my urine. A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident.'

Dwight:Dwight's confessional about Pam providing urine: 'Do you want to give Michael your urine?' / Dwight: 'I want him to have all the urine he needs.'

Dwight:Dwight to Pam regarding giving permission: 'You're not gonna get my permission on this. I know that. Don't you think I know that?'

Dwight:Dwight: 'You're not gonna get my permission on this. I know that. Don't you think I know that?'

Dwight:Dwight asks the drug tester if they're hiring — 'You wanna work at the urinalysis lab?' / Dwight: 'Yeah, maybe.'

Dwight:Dwight's confessional about his father — beloved man who cheated at games but never told him until years later. 'I was shocked when I found out.'

Dwight · Jim:Jim sitting silently under Jinx while Dwight tries to get him to confess something — 'You look like you wanna tell me something. You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim (unable to speak due to jinx) sits across from Dwight during the investigation while Dwight tries to get him to confess something; Jim just stares

Jim · Dwight:Jim finally breaks Jinx by buying Dwight a magazine instead of a Coke — 'I'd like a magazine.' / Lab worker: 'We just need urine, sir.' / Dwight: 'I'd still like one.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight tells Jim he passed thanks to 'your untainted pee'; Jim looks at camera

Dwight:Dwight resigns from the Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy position because he violated his oath by falsifying Michael's drug test

Jim · Dwight:Jim buys Dwight's Coke from him — establishing contact — 'I haven't talked to you in hours, and it's been weird.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael 'rewards' Dwight with a self-made certificate: 'Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary volunteer corporal in charge of assisting all activity security.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'Can I have a gun?' Michael: 'No. I don't have a gun.' Dwight: 'Okay. I'll have to bring in my bow staff.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight immediately pivots to his new security supervisor duties: 'How many orange traffic cones do you have?' Michael: 'Two.' Dwight: 'Oh... God.'

Pam:Pam's confessional: 'Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?'