Drug Testing

Jim:That's a really nice blouse.

Dwight:Thanks, girl.

Jim:The symptoms of marijuana use are slow, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking.

Jim:So basically... Kevin on a normal Tuesday.

Dwight:I didn't become a deputy to make friends.

Dwight:And it's worked out great because I haven't made any.

Dwight:Miracle Whip. When you want the taste of mayonnaise, but you're not willing to commit to the ingredients. It's the coward's condiment. And I respect that.

Pam:Okay, so Jim does this really good impression of Phyllis. Watch. *makes incomprehensible sounds and weird facial expressions*

Jim:That's... that's not what I do at all.

Pam:What do you mean? That was spot on!

Kelly:So I was at the mall with Ryan, and I saw this girl from high school, and she was with her boyfriend, and I was like 'Oh my God, hi!' And we started talking, and she told me about her job, and it was so boring, but then we went to Sbarro, and I got a slice of pizza, and Ryan got a calzone, and the guy behind the counter was so cute, and I was like...

Dwight:Okay, okay, okay. This is not story hour, Kelly. We are in the middle of a serious investigation.

Michael:I am so high right now. I have no idea where I am. Where's my car?

Dwight:You're in the office, Michael.

Michael:Oh right. Well, I've lost it anyway. My mind, my car, my dignity... I'm like a half-baked idea that someone forgot to finish.

Jim:Yeah, Michael's really nailing the 'guy nobody wants to hang out with' look.

Dwight:Oscar, I have reason to believe you're involved in drug smuggling.

Oscar:What? No, I'm not.

Dwight:Then explain your frequent trips to the bathroom.

Oscar:I drink a lot of coffee.

Dwight:That's what they all say.

Dwight:(long pause) Have you ever pooped a balloon filled with cocaine?

Dwight:This is Northern Lights cannabis indica. Not a sativa.

Jim:Actually, it's marijuana.

Dwight:I do not think that is funny

Stanley:I do not think that is funny

Dwight:Jinx!

Jim:There's no Coke in the vending machine.

Dwight:No Coke? This is a disaster. A complete breakdown of supply chain management. We need to alert corporate immediately.

Jim:Dwight, it's just a vending machine.

Dwight:Just a vending machine? Jim, do you understand what this means? We are now cursed. Jinxed. The Schrute family has studied curses for generations. This office will not know peace until that Coke is replaced.

Jim:So I'm at this concert, right? And this girl with a lip ring offers me a cigarette. I'm like, sure, why not? So I smoke it, and suddenly everything's hilarious. The music sounds amazing, the lights are incredible. I'm thinking, wow, clove cigarettes are really something.

Jim:Turns out it wasn't a clove cigarette.

Michael:Drugs are bad. Okay? Drugs are bad. And you should not do drugs. But if you do drugs, you go to jail. If you go to jail, you will not be funny. And if you are not funny, you will not be rich. And if you are not rich, you will be sad. So, drugs are sad.

Michael:Okay everyone, look left.

Michael:Now look right.

Michael:Did you know that one out of every three people in this room is left-handed? That means... two of you are right-handed.

Michael:Okay, so I made a list of all the illegal drugs. Here it is.

Toby:Michael, that's not... those aren't all illegal.

Michael:Toby, I'm pretty sure I know what drugs are illegal. I've been managing this office for a long time.

Toby:But marijuana is legal in several states now.

Michael:Okay, Toby, that's where you're wrong. Marijuana will always be illegal. It's a gateway drug.

Toby:That's not actually—

Michael:And look, I have LSD, cocaine, heroin, and... pop rocks. Pop rocks are definitely illegal.

Toby:Pop rocks are candy, Michael.

Michael:No, they're not, Toby. They're a drug. I saw it on an after-school special.

Michael:Come on, Jim. Just tell us. We're all friends here.

Jim:My uncle... he struggled with addiction for years. It destroyed our family.

Jim:*starts crying heavily, voice breaking* I just... I miss him so much.

Pam:Oh Jim, I'm so sorry.

Dwight:That's... that's really tough, man.

Michael:Jim, thank you for sharing that with us. That took real courage.

Dwight:You know, we have a lot in common. We're both dedicated to our crafts. We both take pride in our work.

Dwight:I've been thinking about our connection, and I realized — my urine was green.

Jim:I need clean urine because of the lip ring girl.

Jim:The lip ring girl, she's the reason I need clean urine.

Jim:Do you want to give Michael your urine?

Dwight:Of course. I would give Michael my urine. I would give him my kidney, I would give him my cornea. I would give him my bone marrow. But always in a professional manner.

Dwight:In my family, we have a naming tradition. The firstborn son is named after the father. So my son will be named Dwight Schrute Jr. And his son will be named Dwight Schrute III. It's a proud lineage. The Amish version of my name is D-wayt Shroot.

Jim:The logical contradiction of not busting him because he didn't know

Dwight:Jim! Jim, wait! I need to tell you something important about the Beet Farm and—

Jim:Jinx! You owe me a Coke.

Dwight:*opens mouth, face turning red* Mmph! Nnngh!

Jim:*leans back in chair with satisfied smile* This might be the best day of my life.

Dwight:I have broken an oath. A sacred oath to the Schrute Farms Volunteer Sheriff's Department. I am no longer worthy of this badge.

Michael:Dwight, I'm making you security supervisor.

Dwight:Finally! I'll need weapons. Can I have weapons?

Michael:No.

Dwight:What about my bow staff?

Michael:You can have your bow staff.

Dwight:Excellent.

Jim:So Dwight basically spent the entire day doing... what exactly? Acting like he's in the Village People?

Dwight:You want to do this the hard way? Fine. I will have to file a formal complaint with Human Resources, document the infraction in triplicate, obtain written authorization from the Regional Manager, schedule a mandatory meeting with all parties involved, create a detailed incident report with photographic evidence, cross-reference it with company policy section 4.2, subsection C, submit it for legal review, wait the requisite 10 business days for processing, and then—and only then—will I be authorized to retrieve those keys through the proper chain of command. So I suggest you reconsider.

Ryan:Look, Dwight, I know you're really into this investigation, but you're kind of harshing the mellow here.

Dwight:Harshing the... what? Ryan, this is a serious matter.

Ryan:I'm just saying, the energy in the office is really negative right now. We need to keep things chill, you know?

Dwight:Chill? There's a thief in this office and you want me to be chill?

Kevin:Why is Dwight on the phone? Is he calling corporate?

Kevin:Oh my God, he's totally narcing on someone.

Kevin:Narc! Narc! Narc!

Urine Tester:We're actually hiring right now.

Michael:Oh really? What positions?

Urine Tester:Lab technician, mostly.

Michael:You know what? I might be interested. I've always wanted to work in the medical field.