Casino Night

Michael:I'm a big philanthropist. I give to charity all the time.

Michael:In fact, I'd say I'm basically a philanderer.

Customer:Do you have a table for two?

Host:I'm sorry, we're completely booked tonight.

Customer:Come on, just a small table in the corner?

Host:Sir, I said we're booked. Now get out of my restaurant before I call security!

Customer:Fine, well I'm never coming back here!

Host:Good! And I'm banning you! You're banned for a billion years!

Customer:A billion years? That's excessive.

Host:Oh yeah? Well you're banned for a BILLION BILLION years!

Unknown:Nice tuxedo.

Unknown:Thanks. My grandfather was buried in it.

Michael:Second to last? That's not bad. That means we're ahead of one branch. We're like the fourth-best branch.

Michael:BAM!

Michael:So anyway, moving forward with the agenda... I think we need to... explore some deeper positions in this company.

Michael:I mean, job positions. Career positions. Not... the other thing.

Michael:That came out wrong. I'm talking about vertical advancement opportunities.

Michael:Jan and I, we're like friends with benefits.

Michael:She gets the benefits, and I get to be her friend.

Michael:Look, the Boy Scouts are a great organization. They teach kids discipline, outdoor skills, leadership. Plus, they sell cookies.

Dwight:Girl Scouts sell cookies.

Michael:Exactly. So the Boy Scouts have a competitive advantage because nobody expects them to have cookies, so when they show up with cookies, people are so shocked and delighted, they buy more cookies.

Michael:Comic Relief is a great charity. They connect comedy and homelessness in a way that... I don't know, it just makes sense to me. You know, because both are about not having a home.

Michael:Comic Relief doesn't exist anymore? That's impossible. I watch it all the time.

Michael:You know what? That just means we need to start our own Comic Relief. Right here. Right now.

Michael:And it's going to be even better because we'll have better comedians. Like me. I'm hilarious.

Toby:I could go on. There's liability issues, there's child labor laws, there's the fact that they're minors and you're providing them with tools and weapons...

Toby:I could keep going if you'd like. I have a list.

Michael:Why would you say that? You know what, Toby? I have decided that I'm going to transfer you. Not because you've done anything wrong, but because you haven't done anything right. You understand me? I want you to transfer to the Stamford branch.

Jim:I like to watch bad wedding bands because it makes me feel better about myself. And I think that's what the holidays are all about.

Jim:Yeah, I'm doing great. Everything's going really well.

Jim:...

Jim:I got transferred back to Scranton.

Jim:Kevin's in a band? That's... that's great, man.

Jim:What's it called?

Kevin:Scrantonicity.

Jim:Oh. Okay. Well, good for you, Kevin.

Kevin:Yeah, we're working on getting some gigs. We've been together for like three years now, but we haven't actually played anywhere yet.

Kevin:But there's this wedding coming up next month, and I'm pretty sure they're gonna want us to play. That's gonna be our big break.

Jim:Kevin, that was... incredible. I've never seen anything like it. We should probably call the Smithsonian.

Pam:He just played the basic beat.

Jim:Exactly. A historic moment.

Pam:I deliberately let Michael take certain calls so he can practice embarrassing himself. It's like a safe space for humiliation.

Michael:Thank you for calling Dunder Mifflin. This is Michael Scott, Regional Manager, speaking.

Pam:It's the same call.

Michael:I'm like a poker player with two aces in my hand. I'm gonna go all in tonight.

Jim:That's... that's not how poker works.

Michael:Well, my two aces are about to have a royal flush, if you know what I mean.

Pam:We know what you mean. We all know.

Michael:Hey Carol. I was just... we were just talking about... it's not what it looks like. Well, it is what it looks like, but... she had something in her eye and I was... there's a very good explanation for this that I will think of in about five seconds.

Dwight:Michael's been using code names for his dates. For security purposes.

Jim:What kind of code names?

Dwight:Well, there's Elcihm for his accountant, Tsom for his yoga instructor, and Eilla for that woman from the temp agency.

Pam:Those are just his names backwards.

Dwight:Exactly. Unbreakable.

Dwight:I am Jim's wingman. It is a sacred duty. A wingman must be willing to lie, to deceive, and to betray the trust of women. But it's for a greater good. It's like Schindler's List. Except instead of saving Jews, I'm saving my best friend from loneliness. And instead of Nazis, the enemy is women who won't sleep with him.

Creed:I've stolen from every job I've ever had.

Creed:I don't understand the concept of ownership. If I see something I want, I take it.

Creed:The way I see it, if you're not actively guarding something, it's basically communal property.

Creed:I once stole a forklift. Well, I say stole. I prefer to think of it as a long-term borrow that never ended.

Dwight:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Scranton Branch Casino Night! I am your host, Dwight Kurt Schrute III. We have an evening of gaming, glamour, and high stakes ahead of us. Please, enjoy our complimentary beverages and remember: the house always wins. And I am the house.

Dwight:Welcome to Schrute Farms Casino Night. We have blackjack, poker, and roulette. All are welcome—men, women, children, and the handicapped.

Dwight:Let's get it started in here.

Jim:That's not even the right band.

Dwight:What are you talking about? It's the Black Eyed Peas.

Jim:No, it's not. You just said 'Let's Get It Started.' That's not them.

Dwight:Of course it is. I know all their songs.

Jim:It's 'Let's Get It Started' by... actually, you know what, never mind.

Michael:You see, Toby, when you go all-in, you have to commit. You can't fold. That's the whole point.

Toby:Actually, Michael, I folded because my hand was—

Michael:No, no, no. You're thinking about this all wrong. You need confidence. You need to believe in yourself.

Toby:But I had a two and a seven. Those are the worst cards in poker.

Michael:See, that's stupid. Any card can win. I once won with a deuce and a seven.

Toby:That's literally impossible.

Michael:You're calling me a liar? That's pretty stupid, Toby.

Michael:This is all Toby's fault. I told him to go all-in with a pair of twos, and he actually did it. What kind of idiot follows my poker advice?

Michael:I'm not a bad poker player, I'm just unlucky. That's completely different.

Michael:Open relationship? Like, we see other people?

Jan:Yes, Michael. That's what an open relationship is.

Michael:But... you're always here. At my condo. How is that open?

Pam:Why would you fold that hand?

Jim:Because it's a bad hand.

Pam:No, it's not. You're just afraid.

Pam:I have a really good hand.

Jim:Yeah, okay. Whatever you say.

Pam:I'm serious, Jim. I'm going to win this.

Jim:Sure you are.

Pam:Flush.

Ryan:I'll have a cosmopolitan with a splash of cranberry, three olives, and a twist of lime.

Michael:Jan, blow on the dice for luck.

Jan:What? No.

Michael:Come on, it's tradition.

Jan:Michael, no.

Michael:Carol, you blow on them.

Michael:We have the Ramada, we have the Motel 6, we have the Red Roof Inn...

Carol:Where are you sleeping?

Jan:I have spent the last six weeks planning this dinner party. I ordered the invitations three weeks in advance. I drove to four different stores to find the perfect centerpiece. I called the caterer five times to confirm. I had my nails done. I bought a new dress. I got a spray tan. And for what? So you could embarrass me in front of everyone?

Jan:Why did I hook up with Michael?

Jim:I don't know, but it was a bad idea.

Phyllis:I'm just a casual player, you know. I don't really know what I'm doing half the time.

Jim:Really? You seem pretty confident.

Phyllis:Oh, just beginner's luck, I guess.

Dwight:Phyllis, you've won every hand. That's not luck.

Phyllis:Well, I suppose I should tell you all. I've won the World Series of Poker twice.

Michael:Yes! I won! These clovers are mine!

Roy:I'm hiring Kevin's band. That's final.

Pam:But Roy, we talked about this. I don't think they're good enough.

Roy:I don't care what you think. It's my wedding too, and I'm doing this.

Jim:I need to tell you something. And I need you to know I'm completely serious right now.

Pam:Okay... what is it?

Jim:I've been thinking about this for a while, and I just... I can't keep it in anymore.

Pam:Jim, you're scaring me.

Jim:Bears. I think bears are better than people.

Pam:So... did you get the Dunmore High School files like Toby asked?

Jim:Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I have feelings. I'm sorry that I'm apparently a terrible person for telling you the truth. I'm sorry that I can't just turn off how I feel about you like some kind of robot.

Pam:Jim...

Jim:No, no. And I'm sorry that you're upset. I'm really, truly sorry about that. I'll just go back to pretending everything's fine. I'm great at that.

Michael:So tonight was amazing. I mean, I really connected with someone. There was this moment where everything just clicked, you know? I could tell they were into me. The way they looked at me... I'm pretty sure I'm about to enter a whole new chapter of my life. This could be it. This could be the beginning of something really special.

Michael:You know, I treat women like a fine restaurant menu. I look at all the options, I sample a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and then I realize I have no idea what I'm doing and I just order the same thing I always get.

Pam:Hi Mom... Yeah, I know it's late... No, everything's fine. Well, actually... Jim said something today... No, not like that. He said he had feelings for me. Like, romantic feelings... I know, I know... Because I'm engaged to Roy, that's why... Mom, it's not that simple... Of course I love Roy... I don't know, maybe? I mean, I never really thought about Jim like that before... He's just Jim... Well, he's sweet and he's funny and he actually listens to me and... No, Mom, I'm not saying I have feelings for him... I'm just saying... I don't know what I'm saying... Can I call you back?