Heavy Competition

Jim:Instead they're throwing cheese puffs at each other with scientific precision

Pam:We've actually gotten pretty good at it.

Pam:Jim can do it from like, fifteen feet away now.

Jim:So Andy put down deposits on like three different venues, and now he's trying to figure out which one to use, but he's already paid for all of them, and—wait, when did he even get engaged? I feel like this happened really fast. You know what, I don't know. I don't know the timeline here.

Jim:It's like we're shopping in the wreckage of Andy's dreams. Look at this place — it's a graveyard of broken promises and non-refundable deposits.

Andy:You Can Call Me Al?

Wedding Singer:Oh yeah, I can definitely boogie down the aisle to that.

Wedding Singer:So for twelve guys, airfare, hotels, rehearsal dinner, bachelor party, and the actual wedding itself, we're looking at about $8,000 per person.

Pam:...Wow.

Dwight:These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. I can't feel my fingers. This is a medical emergency. I need to go to the hospital immediately.

Dwight:This dress shirt is too tight. I can barely move my arms.

Jim:That's kind of the point of a dress shirt, Dwight.

Dwight:No. This is a tactical disadvantage. I'm operating at 40% mobility. In a real combat situation, I'd be dead already.

Pam:Dwight, it's just a shirt.

Dwight:Just a shirt? This is a straightjacket designed by Corporate to suppress my natural abilities. I'm calling an emergency DEFCON 3 until wardrobe is resolved.

Dwight:Under Michael's management, this office was like the Roman Empire in its final days. Chaos. Corruption. Everyone fighting for power. Then it became like the French Revolution—violent, unpredictable, heads rolling. And finally, it was like Poland.

Dwight:Michael's management style is like a beautiful disaster. Most people would see the chaos and run. But not me. I see it as an opportunity to thrive in an environment where normal rules don't apply. It's Darwinian. It's primal. It's... home.

Michael:Here's your referral bonus.

Ryan:Six dollars?

Michael:Well, it was a temp job.

Ryan:I referred someone for a job that lasted three days.

Michael:Exactly. And you did a great job.

Ryan:Hey, Michael, remember that $10 you borrowed from me four years ago?

Michael:What? No, I just gave you $6.

Ryan:Yeah, well now you owe me $10 from back then.

Jim:Yeah, thanks for the advice, Andy. Really groundbreaking stuff.

Andy:You know, I've been in a lot of relationships. I'm basically an expert at this point.

Andy:I've learned what works, what doesn't work, what really doesn't work...

Andy:Okay, basically I've just learned what doesn't work. A lot of things don't work.

Michael:Ryan, let me tell you something about sales. It's not about the tires, it's about the man selling the tires. You gotta make them feel like you understand them. Like, you know, Ed's Tires? That's not a tire place, that's a dream. That's a lifestyle. Also, never trust a woman who orders the soup. They're unpredictable. And always wear your shirt tucked in on Tuesdays. It shows authority.

Michael:You can't trust women, Pam. They're always up to something.

Pam:I'm not going to listen to this.

Michael:You're right, you're right. I'm sorry.

Ryan:I'll do it.

Michael:Alright everyone, gather around! We need to pump up the energy in this office. I'm going to lead us in a motivational chant.

Michael:Michael's great, Michael's great, when he leads, we motivate!

Pam:Michael, that's just 'Michael's cool' from the playground.

Michael:Exactly! It's a proven motivational technique. Now everyone, Michael's great, Michael's great—

Ryan:I'm not doing this.

Michael:Come on, Ryan. Don't be a hater. That's what the next verse is about.

Ryan:We are Dunder Mifflin. Our prices are hot. Our customer service is NOT. We are Dunder Mifflin.

Charles:Dwight, sit down.

Dwight:I can't. Standing is the natural position for the human spine. Sitting causes compression of the lumbar vertebrae, reduces blood flow to the brain by 20%, and makes you 3 times more likely to develop deep vein thrombosis. I have a medical obligation to myself to remain upright.

Charles:Dwight, I have to say, your focus is remarkable. Most people can't maintain that level of concentration.

Dwight:Thank you, Charles. I'm like a hawk. Actually, I'm like a falcon. No, a golden eagle. The apex predator of focus.

Dwight:Something came up.

Michael:Oh no, is it Mose? Did Mose fall in the well again?

Michael:Wait, there's actually a well out there?

Dwight:Yeah, it's very dangerous. We roped it off.

Michael:When did you rope it off?

Dwight:Right after Mose fell in it.

Dwight:Charles Miner is like Will Smith in Independence Day. He's the guy who saves the world, and everyone loves him for it. He's brave, he's confident, he gets results. That's Charles.

Jim:Will Smith also punches an alien in the face.

Dwight:Exactly. Charles would do that too if he had to.

Dwight:Every office has a hero and a new guy. The hero always comes in and saves the day, and the new guy... well, he's expendable.

Michael:That's from a movie, right? Is that from a movie?

Dwight:No, it's just something I came up with.

Michael:That's genius. We should totally use that for our next marketing campaign.

Michael:Of course I respect dibs. I'm not a barbarian.

Dwight:You know, a great leader is like a great quarterback. He needs to know when to pass, when to run, when to—

Michael:Oh! Oh! Is it Jim?

Dwight:What? No.

Michael:Stanley?

Dwight:No.

Andy:I'm so happy. I'm so, so happy. So happy right now. Really, truly so happy.

Jim:I just... I need Pam to know how much she means to me.

Andy:Dude, that's like... the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. You guys are connected, man.

Andy:These are my traveling pants.

Jim:*awkward stare*

Andy:What? They're pants. And I travel in them.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dwight, why didn't you tell me Charles was coming?

Dwight:He didn't tell me either, sir.

Michael:This is a setup. This is definitely a setup. Everyone act natural. Don't make eye contact. Dwight, stop looking guilty.

Dwight:I'm not looking guilty.

Michael:You're doing it right now! Charles, welcome! We were just... doing work. Normal work things. Nothing suspicious.

Michael:I'm sorry, what? I don't understand what you're saying. Are you firing me? Because I feel like that's not what's happening here, but also I genuinely have no idea what's going on right now.

Michael:It's like... it's like when you're at a birthday party, and you fill up water balloons, except they're pee balloons, and you think your best friend is gonna help you throw them at people, but instead he just... he just throws one at you. Right in the face. And everyone laughs, but you're not laughing because you smell like pee.

Pam:Wait, so you're saying I'm like a ship?

Michael:Yes, exactly. You're a ship, Pam. A beautiful ship.

Pam:But I'm not actually a ship, Michael.

Michael:Not with that attitude. Look, we need to get you registered with the Coast Guard. And you're going to need a captain's license. Dwight, start the paperwork.

Dwight:Already on it.

Andy:I don't know, Kevin. I feel like I'm not good at anything anymore.

Kevin:That's not true, Andy. You have great abs.

Andy:Really?

Kevin:No, I was just trying to make you feel better.

Michael:Dwight, listen to me. If you don't back off this client, I'm going to destroy you.

Dwight:Is that a threat, Michael?

Michael:No, it's a promise. I will take away your clients, your job, your dignity.

Dwight:You wouldn't dare.

Michael:Oh, I would dare. I will end you, Dwight. I will end you so hard.

Dwight:Michael, are you threatening to kill me?

Michael:Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know, Dwight, you're really pushing me here!

Michael:I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it.

Dwight:That's a Bill Cosby quote.

Jim:So Michael's really going after the whale?

Dwight:Michael doesn't give up. He's like a shark.

Jim:A shark? Dwight, we're talking about a whale. Isn't that... isn't that the whole thing?

Dwight:Exactly. Michael is relentless.

Jim:I was just making a joke about how you compared him to a shark when we were literally talking about a whale. That's like if I called you an idiot.

Dwight:I'm not an idiot.

Jim:Yeah, see? Now you're mad. This is what I'm talking about. We're just insulting each other for no reason now.

Jim:Is that a Rolodex?

Stanley:Best organizational system ever made.

Jim:Stanley, that's from like 1987.

Stanley:Exactly. They don't make 'em like they used to.

Jim:What about your BlackBerry?

Stanley:That's my bedroom lighting now.

Dwight:Yes, well, Michael is... how do I put this delicately? He's mentally unstable. No, no, I'm not exaggerating. Just last week he thought he was a secret agent. The week before that he was convinced the office was haunted.

Jim:So Michael and Dwight are having this huge business competition, right? It's supposed to be this epic rivalry.

Jim:But then Michael's like, 'There can be only one!' and I'm thinking, okay, we're doing Highlander now?

Jim:Except it's not that epic. It's just two guys arguing about who gets the better parking spot.

Michael:Okay everyone, listen up. I need you all to submit your quarterly reports in triplicate, alphabetized by department, with cover sheets in Times New Roman 12-point font, and I want them on my desk by... noon today.

Dwight:Michael, it's 11:57.

Michael:I'm aware of the time, Dwight. That's what makes it a challenge.

Dwight:I was late because I had a bear collision on the way to work.

Jim:A bear collision?

Dwight:Yes. A black bear wandered onto Schrute Farms. I wrestled it back into the woods, but not before it clawed my briefcase and ate my entire supply of beet jerky.

Michael:Dwight, did you sabotage me?

Dwight:Yes.

Michael:What? Why would you—

Dwight:You were weak. I had to establish dominance.

Dwight:I've ordered you a sandwich, sir. It's coming up.

Michael:Great! What kind?

Dwight:Tuna salad on wheat with a side of mayonnaise.

Michael:Tuna salad? Dwight, you know I hate tuna salad.

Dwight:Yes, I do know that, sir.

Dwight:Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from the Michael Scott Paper Company. I have some very attractive paper options for your business. Also, I noticed your daughter's soccer league plays Tuesdays and Thursdays, and your son has a peanut allergy. So if you ever need refreshments at your office, I would avoid peanut-based products.

Dwight:My card simply says I'm a 'tall drink of water' with 'excellent bone structure' and 'owns several fanny packs.' I think that covers the essentials.

Dwight:Hello, this is Dwight Schrute with Dunder Mifflin. How can I help you today?

Client:Hi, I'm calling about my paper order.

Dwight:Excellent. And what is your name?

Client:Marcus Johnson.

Dwight:Ah yes, Marcus Johnson. The Black one or the other one?

Michael:I'm like the Bill Gates of this company.

Client:But you're not a billionaire.

Michael:Not yet.

Andy:Jim is a great guy. He's loyal, he's hardworking, and frankly, I'm tired of everyone attacking him.

Dwight:Oh please. Jim has done things. Questionable things.

Andy:What things? Name one thing.

Dwight:He... he looks at people. In a way.

Andy:In a way? What does that mean?

Dwight:You know. The way he does it. It's suspect.

Andy:That's not an accusation, Dwight.

Dwight:Fine. He breathes. Constantly. Every single day.

Andy:Everyone breathes!

Dwight:Exactly. And it's getting worse. Listen, Andy, I'm going to say this once, and I mean it with every fiber of my being: If Jim doesn't stop existing in this office by end of business today, there will be serious consequences.

Andy:You know what? I got pranked. And you know what? I respect that. That's a good prank. Jim, that was a good prank.

Michael:Okay, so Dwight had this thing about paper being like... life? Or was it like a box of chocolates?

Dwight:No, that's not even close.

Michael:Right, right. Paper is like... a wet dog?

Dwight:Why would you say that?

Michael:Because it's soft, it absorbs things, and nobody really wants to touch it after a while.

Dwight:I'm going to employ my evasive maneuver.

Michael:What evasive maneuver?

Dwight:The Schrute Spin.

Dwight:I'm not being rude. I'm being efficient. There's a difference. When you care about something, you don't have time for pleasantries. You care about results.

Dwight:I have created an elaborate color-coding system to help organize the client's files by department.

Dwight:Red for accounting, blue for sales, green for marketing, yellow for human resources, and purple for the gay son's department.

Jim:Did you actually use any of those colors?

Dwight:No. I used beige for everything.

Dwight:I have created a color-coding system for my files. Red means urgent, yellow means moderately important, and green means it can wait.

Dwight:Under no circumstances should you file a red document in the green section.

Dwight:That would be chaos.

Dwight:Disaster.

Dwight:The end of civilization as we know it.

Dwight:[immediately files a red document in the green section]

Michael:You know, in business, like in war, you have to make tough decisions. Sometimes those decisions... they're not popular, but they're necessary.

Michael:I mean, look at the Civil War. Both sides thought they were right. Both sides had valid points.

Michael:So really, when you think about it, the Civil War was... it was justified.