Michael Scott Paper Company

Michael:I'm starting my own company, and it's going to be huge. We're going to be like Britney Spears in the early 2000s—young, fresh, and everybody wants a piece of us.

Jim:Yeah, I have no idea what I'm doing.

Michael:I'm going to run my fingers through the hair... *trips and stumbles* ...the hare.

Michael:I don't care what anyone says. This is MY parking space. I earned it. And if anyone tries to take it from me, they're going to have to go through me first. This spot represents everything I've worked for in this company. MY NAME IS ON THAT SPOT.

Michael:I'd like to announce the new name of our company: Dunder Mifflin... Mifflin Dunder... wait, no, Dunder... Mifflin... Dunder.

Charles:You're talking to yourself.

Jim:Kelly's always got some scheme going. She's like a con artist, except she's not smart enough to actually pull anything off, which somehow makes her more dangerous.

Erin:I've been thinking about changing my name.

Erin:What do you think about just 'Erin'? No last name. Like Madonna or Prince.

Erin:I could just be Erin. Wouldn't that be cool?

Kelly:Wait, your middle name is Ann? Ann is so pretty. My middle name is Obweya.

Kelly:It's a family name. My great-grandmother was a sex worker in the Congo. So I guess you could say I come from a long line of women who were really good with men.

Creed:Her name is Kelly Kapoor. What's she upset about?

Pam:So far we have 12 people coming to the pancake luncheon. Last year we had 47.

Pam:The year before that, 63.

Pam:So... we're going in the wrong direction.

Michael:I have a coupon idea. It's a coupon... for an intangible service.

Pam:I'm terrified of the copy machine. I think it's going to... you know... explode or catch on fire or something.

Pam:But honestly? I kind of like making copies. It's the only time I feel like I'm doing something important.

Pam:My desk is right next to the bathroom. I can hear everything. Yesterday, someone had a really rough time in there and I just sat here eating my sad desk salad.

Dwight:That is a quality outfit.

Andy:Thanks, man.

Dwight:You know, for someone who doesn't hunt, you dress like you do.

Andy:Well, I like to look the part.

Dwight:It's working. You look like a man who knows his way around a gun.

Dwight:Andy and I have a very scientific approach to our relationship. We started with hatred, and through repeated exposure and forced proximity, we've developed a grudging respect that borders on friendship.

Ryan:Yeah, she's a 7 in the city, but she's a 9 here.

Charles:I need a rundown.

Jim:(to camera, confused) A rundown? Of what? Everything? I don't even know what that means.

Jim:Yeah, I totally get it. File these reports, update the spreadsheet, send out the memo.

Jim:It's like a triathlon, but instead of swimming, biking, and running, it's just... sitting.

Creed:We have a ghost in this office. You think I'm crazy? That's what the last three employees said before they disappeared. I didn't kill them. There's a ghost that did it. Or a prostitute. I definitely killed a prostitute once, but that was unrelated.

Creed:So there's this brothel, right? And the madame, she's got this scar across her face. Anyway, one night a traveling salesman comes through, and he says he's got a ghost haunting him. The madame, she knows about ghosts because her sister was a ghost for like three weeks. So she tells him, 'You gotta go to the old cemetery at midnight and apologize to the ghost's mother.' The guy does it, but he apologizes to the wrong ghost's mother, and now he's being haunted by two ghosts instead of one. The moral of the story is, always get a name and a description before you start apologizing.

Creed:Yeah, none of that happened.

Ryan:You're better at copying than me.

Pam:That's insulting. You're saying I'm good at copying, which means I'm good at doing something that's not my job. Which means I'm bad at my job.

Ryan:I'm not saying one is better than the other. I'm just saying if I had to choose between spending an evening with my mother or spending an evening with a rabid dog, I'd need to think about it for a while.

Michael:You know what? I'm an original. I'm not a copy of anybody. I'm my own thing. But that copy machine over there? That's just a copy of an original. Which makes it inferior. It will never be as good as me. I'm the original Michael Scott, and everything else is just... a copy.

Michael:Yes, hello? Hey, listen, we have a situation here. We need to evacuate the building immediately.

Michael:No, no, no, I'm not joking. This is serious. We need everyone out now.

Michael:What? No, I'm not watching TV right now. Well, actually, you should really check out Breaking Bad when you get a chance. It's incredible.

Michael:You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Wayne Gretzky. Michael Scott.

Pam:Ryan, you can't have that as your desktop picture. This is a workplace.

Ryan:What? It's just a picture.

Pam:It's inappropriate. Someone could see that and it reflects badly on all of us.

Ryan:Your roots are showing. You're not even a real blonde.

Pam:I am a real blonde.

Ryan:No you're not. Real blondes have a distinctive scent. It's like vanilla mixed with poor life choices.

Michael:Yeah, I know, I know. Look, I gotta go. My employees are driving me crazy today.

Michael:J.H. won't stop talking. D.P. keeps asking stupid questions. And don't even get me started on P.B.

Michael:You know what? I'm not even sorry. Pam's a giant b.

Pam:Did you just—

Michael:Yep. A giant... beet farmer. That's what I was gonna say. Giant beet farmer.

Michael:You know, I got some really good advice about hiring once. It was something like, 'Make sure the person is qualified, check their references, do a background check.' Great advice. I ignored all of it.

Dwight:Andy is displaying classic signs of attraction to Erin. Dilated pupils, increased heart rate, involuntary smile. It's all very textbook.

Dwight:The human body's physiological response to aesthetic stimuli is well-documented. Increased heart rate, dilated pupils, elevated cortisol levels. All perfectly natural evolutionary mechanisms. *clears throat* And I am, at this moment, experiencing all of these symptoms. Severely.

Dwight:I'm willing to step aside for you, Andy.

Michael:Okay everybody, I'm gonna start a chant, and I want you all to participate. Ready? Okay. Win!

Everyone:...

Michael:No no no, you're supposed to say 'Win!' back. Okay, let me try again. Win!

Pam:Win?

Michael:No, that's a question. Win!

Ryan:Um... lose?

Michael:No! Why would we say lose? Win! Win! Win!

Everyone:...

Michael:This is not working.

Jim:What's in the rundown?

Andy:Well, it's got all the stuff that's going to happen in the office that day.

Jim:Right, but what specifically?

Andy:You know, just rundown stuff. Things that are happening. In the office. During the day.

Andy:So this guy, right, he's the toughest dude I've ever seen. Just completely badass. He walks up to his car, everyone's watching, thinking he's about to peel out of here doing like 80 miles per hour.

Andy:He gets in the car, starts the engine, and... he just drives away. Normal speed. Like a regular person going to the grocery store.

Ryan:Wait, so you're telling me the copier is in the corner now?

Pam:Yes, apparently that's my corner now.

Ryan:But you're the receptionist.

Pam:I know. I'm also the copier corner person now. It's a promotion.

Pam:I don't understand why I have to sit in the corner. It's like I'm being punished.

Michael:You're not being punished, Pam. I don't make the rules.

Pam:You literally just made that rule five minutes ago.

Michael:No, I didn't. That's... that's corporate policy.

Charles Miner:Jim, what are you doing? You should be working on the rundown.

Jim Halpert:I'm just taking a break. I was working on some really important stuff and I needed to step away for a minute.

Charles Miner:The rundown IS the important stuff.

Jim Halpert:Right, yeah, I know.

Jim:I really do take my job seriously. I'm here early, I stay late, I always give 110%.

Charles:110%? That's mathematically impossible.

Jim:Well, I mean, you know, it's just an expression.

Charles:Is it? Because where I come from, we deal in facts and figures. You cannot give more than 100%.

Jim:Right, okay, so maybe 100% then.

Charles:So you're saying you only give 100% some of the time?

Pam:Wait, wait, wait. Before you go, let me just say something. I know I didn't get the job, but I've been thinking about it, and I realize that I don't actually want to leave Dunder Mifflin. This is my home. You guys are my family.

Pam:So what if the pay is better? What if there's actual room for growth? I have everything I need right here. Rejection has really put things in perspective for me.

Stanley:I'm thinking about starting my own paper company.

Michael:Stanley, you can't do that. You work for me.

Stanley:Watch me.

Random person:Wait, you're offering free pancakes and I'm supposed to just drop everything?

Random person:Let me check my phone first... Yeah, no, the pancakes can wait. This text about a cat video is way more important.

Jim:Wait, so you're telling me the solution to my fax problem is to just... send it to my dad?

Dwight:It's not just sending it to your dad, Jim. It's about establishing a paper trail that leads directly to his office.

Jim:That doesn't solve anything.

Dwight:Not with that attitude.

Michael:Well, I would make my own business cards, but I don't have a computer at home. So I just write my name and number on napkins and hope people don't think I'm a crazy person.

Customer:These pancakes are shaped like paper sheets.

Andy:Kevin, I appreciate your passion for music, I really do. But when you play, it sounds like a cat being strangled by a blind man.

Andy:What I'm saying is, constructively, maybe consider a different hobby. Like accounting. Oh wait.

Andy:♪ We're halfway there, oh oh, livin' on a prayer ♪

Kevin:Stop.

Michael:In my dream, I'm eating a sandwich made of gold leaf and caviar. It's elegant, it's sophisticated, it's everything I've ever wanted.

Michael:In reality, I'm eating a sandwich that's just mayonnaise, marshmallows, and pepperoni. And somehow... it's still not the worst thing that's happened to me today.

Michael:Pam, your first sale! I'm so proud of you. You know what? You're a natural. You've got the gift.

Pam:Thank you, Michael.

Michael:But here's the thing - you can't ever do that again. You're gonna jinx yourself. I sold one car once, and I got cocky, and I never sold another car again.

Pam:Wait, what?

Michael:Yeah, so just... coast. You've made your sale. That's it. You're done. Don't try anymore.

Pam:I guarantee you'll be completely satisfied, or your money back.

Client:What if I'm not satisfied?

Pam:Then you get your money back.

Client:And if I'm still not satisfied after I get my money back?

Pam:Then... you get your money back again.

Michael:Wait, we made a sale? Our first sale?

Dwight:Yes, Michael. We closed the Staples account.

Michael:That's... that's amazing. Do you know what this means? This means we're going to save the company.

Jim:Michael, we already saved the company.

Michael:Well, we're saving it again.

Michael:You know, when you're running a successful branch, it doesn't matter how small the space is. On paper, this office is huge.

Michael:You know, I just want to say that working with all of you has been the greatest privilege of my life. You're not just my employees, you're my family. And I would do anything for this team.

Michael:We've been through so much together, and I just—

Michael:Oh God, I really need to use the bathroom.

Andy:Hair metal is actually way better a cappella.

Darryl:No, it's not.