The Pitch

Johnny:I'm going to be late. This is exactly the kind of thing that makes me look unprofessional.

Moira:Well, given our track record, being laughed out of the room is probably accurate.

Stevie:I'm stressed.

Stevie:I've already consumed an entire bottle of CBD oil.

Moira:I need your help with something.

David:I can't help you. But I can offer you my support.

Moira:Those are the same thing.

David:No, help is doing something. Support is just being here while you do it.

Moira:So you're refusing to help me, but you're willing to stand nearby?

David:Exactly. I'm very supportive that way.

Alexis:Wait, there's a private jet?

David:Yes, I already tried to get on it.

David:I will trade you places if you want.

Roland:This suit fits me perfectly. I have a much more athletic build than Johnny.

Moira:Roland, you're looking... well.

Alexis:You know, that's so nice of you to say that.

Moira:Roland, before we go in there, we need to talk about your breath. It's absolutely devastating. Did you have onions for lunch?

Roland:What? No, I didn't.

Moira:Well, something died in your mouth, and I'm not going in that meeting until you've dealt with it.

Moira:I'm going to miss you all so very much. You've become like family to me, and I expect you to make me proud, to reach for the stars, to achieve greatness, to—

Moira:—or, you know, just be happy. That's fine too. Whatever works for you.

Stevie:I can't do this anymore. The constant swaying, the noise, the smell of diesel fuel mixed with someone's cologne that costs more than my car.

Stevie:I'm motion sick on a yacht. A YACHT, David. This is supposed to be a luxury experience and I'm green like I'm on a fishing boat in a storm.

Johnny:This is going to be our best quarter yet, isn't it?

Stevie:Sure, yeah.

Roland:I guess so.

Johnny:Roland? Stevie? A little more enthusiasm, please?

Stevie:Mm-hmm.

Roland:Yep.

Stevie:I'm getting a little anxious about the water situation. Like, my stomach's in knots, my palms are sweating, and I think I'm having heart palpitations.

Johnny:When will he be back?

Receptionist:He's gone for a week.

Johnny:Well, I can wait.

Receptionist:Not here, you can't.

Ruth:You know, I have such fond memories of Rose Apothecary. There was this nice touch you had.

Johnny:Really? What was that?

Ruth:Free popcorn.

Stevie:This is a really nice... I mean, it's just an office.

Moira:I am not packing. I am simply organizing my wardrobe into a series of carefully curated, travel-ready ensembles. Each outfit has been thoughtfully composed to maximize versatility while maintaining my signature aesthetic. I've color-coordinated by season, fabric weight, and occasion. The steamer trunks are merely a storage solution—a temporary one, I might add—and the fact that they're currently stationed by the door is purely coincidental. So no, I am absolutely not packing.

Moira:Well, I learned my lesson the last time. One moment you're living in a penthouse, the next you're living in a barn. So I keep a bag packed at all times, just in case lightning strikes twice.

Moira:One mustn't prematurely enumerate one's poultry prior to the emergence of said fowl from their calcium-based encasements.

David:Wait, wait, wait. You're all moving? And nobody thought to include me in this conversation?

Alexis:David, we were going to tell you.

David:When? After you'd already left? I'm literally standing right here.

Alexis:I mean, I've been on so many private jets that I basically know everything about them. I've flown with Tiger Woods, I've flown with... well, mostly Tiger Woods.

David:You're really going to move in with Patrick?

Alexis:Well, I've lived in twelve different countries, David. I know all the cheap housing markets. Budapest's great right now, but honestly, the best deal is definitely a studio apartment above a depanneur in Montreal.

Alexis:And look at this Murphy bed! It's like having two rooms in one. During the day it's a spacious living area, and at night it transforms into a bedroom. It's basically architecture for people who can't commit to anything.

Johnny:Well, hello. I know this is awkward.

Bryce:So, how was your flight?

Tripp:Oh, you know, smooth sailing. First class all the way.

Bryce:Must be nice. I heard Johnny Rose had to take the bus here. Well, I assume he did—I'm not sure he can afford first class anymore.

Tripp:Oh man, that's rough. How far the mighty have fallen, huh?

Bryce:I know, right? I actually feel bad for the guy. One minute you're a mogul, the next you're...

Tripp:Completely broke? Living in a small town? Trying to figure out what a Schitt's Creek even is?

Johnny:Well, I appreciate the feedback. You know, when you've spent as much time in the hospitality industry as I have, you learn to take criticism with a certain... grace. It's all part of the service.

Stevie:And that's why this business model is going to revolutionize the industry because, you know, people want things and we're going to give them those things.

Bryce:Wow, so you're saying people want things? That's groundbreaking.

Stevie:So... does anyone know what 'synergy' means?

Roland:You know what? I'm just going to say it. This whole thing has me absolutely cacking up!

Roland:Do you have any allergies I should know about?

Johnny:No, I don't think so.

Roland:Great, I'll get you some water.

Stevie:Oh my God!

Moira:What is all this?

Jocelyn:We're throwing you a surprise party!

Moira:Oh, how delightful! You little gawpuses!

Moira:I was in a meeting with some very important corporate cognizant, and I realized I had no idea what they were talking about.

Moira:I've always called New York the Big Red Delicious. Much more accurate.

Moira:You timorous grinagog.

Grace:Roland sent me an emoji of a head exploding.

Moira:Oh, that's wonderful! He must be having such a good time!

Grace:Moira, that emoji means he's very angry.

Moira:Well, I prefer to think he's just very excited about life.

Moira:Everything is going to be fine. How do I know? Because I've decided it will be. And when have my decisions ever been wrong? Well, that's not the point. The point is, I have a very good feeling about this, and my feelings are never wrong. Well, almost never. But when they are wrong, it's usually because someone else made a decision that contradicted my feeling, which means it's not really my feeling that was wrong. You see? Everything will be fine.

David:I brought you a muffin.

Patrick:I don't want a muffin.

David:It's a really good muffin.

Patrick:David, a muffin is not going to fix this.

David:This apartment has been featured in three different television shows.

David:So you know it's good.

David:You know what? I think you should eat something. It'll make you feel better.

Patrick:Okay.

David:Wait, did you just... Did you just agree with me? Just like that? No resistance, no counter-argument about how you're 'fine' or how you 'don't need anything'? Patrick, are you okay? Should I be concerned? Are we breaking up?

Johnny:A motel is a place where people stay when they're traveling and they need somewhere to rest their head for the night. It's like a hotel, but more... accessible.

Johnny:I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. Some very nice people stay in motels. I'm sure you've stayed in plenty of motels. Do you stay in motels? You probably do.

Johnny:What I'm trying to say is, it's a perfectly respectable establishment.

Johnny:I actually love living in a motel. It's convenient, it's clean, and the staff is always there if you need anything.

Johnny:Of course, I didn't choose this lifestyle — I'm forced to live here because my family lost everything — but that's beside the point.

Roland:That was a great presentation, Johnny. Really professional. I gotta say, I came in here thinking you were gonna absolutely bomb it.

Johnny:Well, thank you, Roland. I appreciate that.

Roland:Yeah, but you didn't. You were great. Say, uh, you didn't happen to see a briefcase around here, did you? Brown leather?

Stevie:What was even in that briefcase?

Roland:Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I just carried it around to look important.

Stevie:So you've been walking around with an empty briefcase this whole time?

Roland:That's right. It's all about the perception, Stevie. People see a briefcase, they think you've got it all figured out.

Bryce:You're trying to build a business in industries that are essentially dead. It's like trying to start a buggy whip company in 2019.

Stevie:You know what? Johnny Rose is one of the most thoughtful, genuine people I know. He cares deeply about the people around him, he's funny, he's smart, and he's done nothing but try to help everyone in this town. So maybe you could show him some respect.

Stevie:Johnny is a good man. He's kind, he's thoughtful, he's one of the most genuine people I know.

Stevie:And anyone who doesn't see that is—

Stevie:Wait, sorry. Is Johnny in the room? Because I don't want him to think I'm getting soft on him.

Stevie:But yes. Everything I said. He's great.

Stevie:He's not an idiot, he's just Canadian.

Moira:Dear Universe, I'm writing to report a missing person. Male, approximately six feet tall, perpetually unimpressed expression, answers to Johnny Rose. Last seen wearing something from the clearance rack at a department store. If spotted, please return immediately. He's been missing his sense of humor for approximately thirty years.

Moira:Dear God, I come before you in this moment of profound vulnerability, seeking your divine guidance and—

Alexis:Mom, can I use your hand cream? Mine are like, so dry right now.

Moira:Alexis, I am in the middle of a spiritual communion.

Alexis:I know, but seriously, look at this. It's like the Sahara.

Moira:Have you considered a hydrating mask? There's a wonderful Icelandic one that—actually, those cuticles are concerning. Yes, use the hand cream.

Moira:Well, if you won't take the position, perhaps you'd consider a role in our new division. We're expanding into... let's call it 'lifestyle curation.'

Moira:Of course, I should mention that I've been embezzling from the company for three years, and I'm doing it right now, in this office, while wearing Valentino.

Jocelyn:It's like we're waiting for the results of a game show, but instead of winning a car, we're winning our lives back.

David:Stevie, you've been doing an amazing job at the motel.

Stevie:Thank you, David.

Roland:Well, she had a good teacher. I showed her everything she knows about running that place.

David:Roland, you don't even work there.

Roland:Not officially.

David:We only have this cheap champagne substitute.

Moira:Oh, David, don't be such a snob. This is perfectly adequate. In fact, I find it rather delightful. It's like they took all the pretension out of champagne and left only the joy.