The Treaty

Leslie:Ben, have you seen my flag collection?

Leslie:Oh, there it is!

Leslie:We need to approach this with serious diplomatic strategy. It's about respect, decorum, and maintaining the highest standards of international relations.

Leslie:So we're gonna go in there and absolutely destroy those bitches.

Leslie:Andy, I need you to represent Iceland in Model UN.

Andy:Iceland? The only countries I know are the ones from movies where they're villains.

Leslie:What does that even mean?

Andy:Like, I can do Russia, North Korea, maybe some made-up Eastern European place. But Iceland? That's not a villain country. That's a place where people go to see the Northern Lights and feel feelings.

Leslie:What about Germany?

Andy:Germany? No way. That's where all the bad guys are from.

Leslie:Andy, Germany is a wonderful country with rich culture and history.

Andy:Yeah, in movies. Every time there's Nazis or terrorists or evil robots, they're always German. I don't want to go somewhere like that.

Andy:I'm gonna be the Moon.

Leslie:Andy, you can't be the Moon. The Moon isn't a country.

Andy:So? I'm still doing it.

Leslie:That's not how Model UN works.

Andy:I've made my decision, Leslie. I'm the Moon now.

Leslie:Okay, Andy, I've been thinking about your moon demand, and I want to find a compromise that works for both of us.

Andy:I appreciate that, Leslie, but I'm not sure The Moon is interested in compromises.

Leslie:The Moon? Andy, you are The Moon.

Andy:I am speaking on behalf of The Moon. The Moon accepts your compromise, provided it includes adequate lunar lighting for the town of Pawnee.

Leslie:Ron, I'm offering you the chance to play America in our historical reenactment.

Ron:Absolutely not. America is a collective concept, Leslie. I don't do collectives. Also, I once tried to secede from a Rotary Club meeting by locking myself in the bathroom for six hours.

Ron:I have a high pain threshold. In fact, I didn't even feel the nail clippers break. I just realized I needed to switch to a Dremel.

Leslie:Oh, I'm not a legend. I mean, I did win Best Delegate three years in a row, but that's not really a big deal.

Leslie:Although, if you want to call me a Model UN deity or a parliamentary goddess, I won't stop you.

Tom:You know what? Enron had the right idea. They just need better PR. I'm telling you, if they rebrand, maybe change the name to something like 'Enron 2.0' or 'New Enron,' people would totally invest again. It's all about the comeback narrative.

Ron:Tom's become quite the entrepreneur. Started his own business, made millions.

Ron:Last I saw him, he was at Macy's handing out samples of Swedish meatballs.

Chris:I feel like we really connected on the dance floor.

Ann:You looked like a newborn giraffe learning to walk.

Ann:Why don't you just break up with her? I mean, she disagreed with you about one thing. That's basically infidelity.

Ann:You should probably move to a new city and start a new life under an assumed name.

Ann:Yeah, we should probably launch a full investigation into this.

Chris:You're right, we should. I'll get my notebook and we can set up a task force. I'm thinking weekly meetings, maybe some flow charts.

Leslie:With Ben, it's deeper than romance. It's friendship. It's trust. It's knowing that no matter what happens, he's got my back. Romance is just 'I love you, let's get married.' Friendship is forever.

Chris:Donna, I need dating advice. Should I call Ann or should I wait for her to call me?

Donna:Dangle carrots both ways. Call her on Monday, wait for her to call you on Tuesday. By Wednesday, she won't know which end is up.

Leslie or Ron:So you retired in 1968?

Courtney:Yes, I had to leave after I told my secretary she had a nice ass. She was Black.

Leslie or Ron:...

Courtney:Different times, you know?

Chris · Donna:Donna pulls in on command: 'Here's what I saw go down. Donna! Yeah! Get in on this.'

Tom:Ron, you can't just call someone racist during a job interview!

Ron:I didn't call them racist. I said their tie was a racist tie.

Tom:That doesn't make it better, Ron.

Ron:It's a perfectly good tie. I don't see what the problem is.

Tom:I've been working on some innovative abbreviations to streamline our department communications. For example, instead of saying 'Parks and Recreation Department,' I've shortened it to 'PARD.'

Tom:Wait, that's just... the same length.

Tom:Actually, I made it 'Please Always Remember Doing' which is longer and means something completely different now.

Leslie:As Denmark, I have to say, you Americans really over-exaggerate everything. We Danes prefer to under-exaggerate.

Leslie:I just made that word up. I'm very smart.

Ben:Leslie and I are just having fun. We're keeping it fun. It's fun.

Ben:Very fun. So much fun.

Ben:Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.

Andy:Okay, so I negotiated a peace treaty between two warring nations by trading their entire military for a pride of lions.

April:That's the worst deal in the history of deals.

Andy:No, no, no — they were really into it. Lions are majestic.

April:Lions will kill you.

Andy:But they're free.

Andy:My strategy is simple: I'm going to accumulate as many lions as possible. Everyone knows that whoever has the most lions wins Model UN.

Andy:I've already started my lion collection. I have zero lions, but by the end of this, I'm going to have... way more than zero.

Ben:Leslie, can you wrap this up in like 10 or 15 minutes?

Leslie:Yeah, yeah, absolutely. 40 minutes. Got it.

Ben:No, 10 or 15.

Leslie:Right, 40 minutes, I'm on it.

Student:Your life is so awesome. You're married to Ben Wyatt, you have perfect hair, and you work in government.

Ben:Well, thank you. That's very nice of you to say.

Student:Yeah, I'm gonna be just like you when I grow up.

Ben:No, you're not! You're gonna work at a call center and you're gonna like it!

Leslie:I am speaking Danish. Jeg er meget glad. Jeg elsker dig.

Ben:That's just English.

Leslie:I come before you today in my capacity as Deputy Director of the Parks Department to formally request that we change the name of Ramsett Park to something less stupid.

Ben:You can't be friends with someone after you've been romantic with them. It just doesn't work.

Leslie:Why not?

Ben:Because you know each other's bodies. You've seen things. You can't unsee them.

Leslie:Ben, we've been friends for years. We've seen each other's bodies. I've seen you in a bathing suit.

Ben:That's different.

Leslie:How is that different? You have a body. I have a body. We both have bodies.

Leslie:This is not just a Model UN situation anymore. This is a declaration of war. I am formally declaring war on the country of Bahrain. And I'm doing it in a high school exercise, which makes it extra official.

Job Applicant:So I was at the grocery store last week, and I picked up a gallon of milk. It was 2% milk. Do you know what that means?

Gary:No, what?

Job Applicant:It means 98% of the milk is missing. I've been paying for milk that's mostly not there. Anyway, I think that's pretty interesting.

Gary:...You're hired.

Tom:Gary, you can't just make up stories about yourself. Like, I could say I once bench-pressed a horse, but that didn't happen.

Gary:Well, I wasn't making it up...

Tom:Gary, you told us you went skydiving last month. We all watched you nearly pass out when the chair broke.

Tom:Keith, this is your job application. Question 3 asks 'What are your weaknesses?' and you wrote 'My parents.'

Keith:Well, it's true.

Keith:I want to be a mid-level bureaucrat with a secure job and good benefits. That's it. I don't want to be a director or anything. I just want to show up, do my job competently, and go home.

Ben:Maybe you should wave a white flag.

Leslie:A white flag? Ben, I'm going to take that flag, wrap it around a rock, and throw it through their window. Then I'm going to climb through that window, grab them by the collar, and drag them back here.

Ron:Tom was perfect for the job. His business idea for 'Tommy Trees' — a chain of stores selling tiny trees for tiny people — showed exactly the kind of ambition and lack of self-awareness we needed.

Tom:I can't go back to my old job. You know why? Because I'm like a shark.

Tom:A shark has to keep moving forward, or it dies. And I have to keep moving forward, or I die.

Tom:It's the same thing.

Andy:If you don't join Leslie's coalition, I'm gonna tell the Moon to stop doing the tides, and then you'll all drown.

Ann:Chris and I are going to this amazing bed and breakfast upstate. They have a chocolate body paint experience.

Jerry:Body paint? That sounds messy.

Ann:It's supposed to be very romantic.

Ron:I once knew a woman who covered herself in liverwurst. Worst six minutes of my life.

Student:This is worse than the real UN.

April:You should talk to Ben. He's been taking sadness baths.

Ann:Chris is so obsessed with being healthy and perfect that he's basically dating a version of himself.

Ann:Which explains why their relationship is just them comparing fitness trackers and talking about their morning jogs.

Ann:Chris completely changed my life. He got me into jogging, and now I run every morning at 5 AM. I've never been in better shape. But I have to say, I've lost all my friends, my social life is completely gone, and I'm basically a shell of a human being. So... worth it?

Andy:Wait, so 'Eagleton' is an anagram of 'leg tone'?

Ben:No, Andy, that's not what an anagram is.

Andy:No, I'm pretty sure it is. E-L-E-G-T-O-N... leg tone.

Ben:That's not even close to how anagrams work.

Andy:Well, I'm sticking with leg tone.

Leslie:Wait, how do you know about the Treaty of Westphalia?

Andy:Oh, my buddy Derek told me about it.

Leslie:Your friend Derek knows about 17th century diplomacy?

Andy:Yeah, he was explaining how his backyard borders his neighbor's property. He called it the Treaty of West-failure because they keep fighting about the fence line.

Ben:You know what would really appeal to teenage boys? A skateboard park.

Leslie:Oh my god, yes! We could call it 'Radical Larry's House of Extreme Thrills and Soft Pretzels.'

Ben:That's not... that's not what I meant.

Ron:Tom, what are you doing here?

Tom:Ron! I can explain. This isn't what it looks like.

Ron:You're wearing a Macy's employee uniform.

Tom:Okay, yes, but I'm not actually working here. I'm just wearing this uniform to understand the retail experience from the inside. For research. My fragrance division needs authentic insights.

Ron:You're folding shirts.

Tom:Exactly. And let me tell you, the way I fold these shirts is revolutionary. Look at this crease. Flawless. This is museum-quality folding. I'm basically an artist.

Leslie:This is the most beautiful room in the entire world. If you took the Sistine Chapel, the Taj Mahal, and the Eiffel Tower, and combined them into one room, it would be about 40% as nice as this council chamber.

Leslie:You know, passion is what separates us from the animals. It's what makes us human. With passion, you can accomplish anything. You can move mountains, you can change lives, you can inspire people. Passion improves everything — art, music, sports, relationships, even wars.

Jerry:This copier is making too much noise. My ears are ringing.

Tom:Jerry, I need to make copies. Your comfort is not my concern right now.

Tom:Tom: 'I'm like a shark. I don't swim backwards.' (Dramatic exit; then immediately returns to ask for his job back.)

Leslie · Student:Leslie seizes the microphone from another delegate mid-speech: 'I move that the Security Council formally condemn Denmark...' Student: 'I'm not finished.' Leslie: 'Oh, really? Then why do I have the microphone?'

Leslie:Leslie after Denmark is condemned: 'That's no problemo, Peru, because Denmark no longer recognizes the authority of this international gang of thugs.'

April · Leslie:April's Moon joins Leslie's coalition: 'The Moon shall join your coalition.' Leslie: 'Yeah! We got the freaking moon. What are you gonna do without tides, Peru?'

April · Andy:April, as the Moon, joining Leslie's coalition: 'The Moon shall join your coalition.' Andy: 'Yeah! We got the freaking moon. What are you gonna do without tides, Peru?'

Ann · Chris · Jerry:Ann: 'And the jacuzzi broke. But I did... eat food off of your body.' Chris: 'Oh, come on.' Jerry: 'All right, Chris and Ann!'

Andy:Andy's post-game: 'Did we win? I think we won! What were we trying to do? I learned so much today.'

Andy:Andy's advice to Leslie about talking to Ben: 'He takes really long sadness baths and makes me late for stuff.'

High School Students:Two random high school students having a sidebar: 'I hate it here. Can't wait to graduate.' / 'Yeah, but summer's gonna totally kick ass.'

Ann:Ann's revelation: 'I was so into you, okay, and you basically turned me into a female version of yourself, and then you got bored dating me because you were dating yourself.'

Ann · Chris:Ann: 'I mean, I hate jogging.' Chris: 'Jogging's amazing!' Ann: 'Jogging is the worst, Chris. I mean, I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?' Chris: 'Well, I'm sorry that I added five years to your life.'

Chris:Chris: 'Now I'm being sarcastic. Like you. I'm doing something that you like.'

Andy · Ben:Andy: 'If you rearrange the letters of Peru, you could spell Europe.' Ben: 'That's... That's not true.' Andy: 'Well... You have to rearrange them.' Ben: 'Oh...'

Andy:Andy's Camp David misunderstanding: 'In high school, my buddy David Fundis would have these campouts in his backyard... We called it camp David. How do you know about Camp David?'

Andy · April:Andy and April exit to throw 'scientist bottles off the roof.' April: 'That's right. See ya. Go. Go. Go.'

Leslie · Ben:Ben and Leslie's treaty negotiation: 'I propose a treaty that states that we have a fun conversation once a day at work for five minutes.' / 'I'll take it to the Peruvian senate. Or whatever.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'What do we do with those kids? We totally ruined their club.' Ben: 'I could tell you what I would like when I was their age.' Leslie: 'Ben, how are we gonna get Kathy Ireland to do naked aerobics for them?' Ben: 'Okay. I regret telling you that... very much.'

Tom:Tom's denial: 'What? Macy's? That wasn't me. There's a Macy's in town? Where's the Macy's in town? I heard they have an amazing cologne sample guy.'

Ron:Ron begs the entire department to help him convince Tom to come back — including a dramatic 'I'm... begging.'

Ron:Ron gathers the entire Parks Department and begs them all to help convince Tom to return: 'Everyone, please... Help me. I'm trying to get Tom back. I'm... begging.'

Tom:Tom's response to Ron's begging: 'Ron, this is embarrassing. Even for you.' Then walks out.

Tom:Tom's response to Ron's public begging: 'Ron, this is embarrassing. Even for you.'

Tom:Tom's scheme: He immediately tells Ron he plans to come back in a few days and have Ron beg again — then gets grabbed mid-sentence and pulled back.

Tom · Ron:Tom asks for his job back with complete simplicity: 'Ron... May I have my job back, please?' Ron: 'Thank you. I will see you all Monday.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Which, for the record, Denmark would have won, but that's neither here nor there.'

Leslie:Leslie's speech about passion: 'Passion is what makes for good treaties... Cheese! Good relationships... Good pizza. Good friends. Good everything. Including wars.'

Ron:Tom's welcome-back celebration speech Ron attempts to deliver, struggling with the prepared remarks about Tom.

Tom:Tom's re-entrance: 'Tick-tock, it's Tommy time!'