Smallest Park

Tom:So you want me to redesign the entire Parks Department logo and visual brand?

Leslie:Yes! A complete overhaul. New colors, new fonts, new everything. Make it modern, make it pop!

Tom:Okay, so... what exactly are we talking about here? Like, how different?

Leslie:Well, essentially just choose a new font.

Leslie:Jerry, you're number three on the font project.

Jerry:But Leslie, there are only two people total.

Leslie:I've created an amazing, awe-inspiring park. It's 0.000003 square miles.

Leslie:I'm going to break Terryville's park record. I don't care if I have to work twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I will not rest until this park is perfect.

Ben:Leslie, you need to sleep.

Leslie:Sleep is for people without vision, Ben. Sleep is for quitters and... and... people who aren't as driven as Martin Luther King Jr.— I mean, people who DON'T have dreams. Like MLK. He had dreams. Good dreams.

Andy:I went to college for two and a half years. I got pretty close.

Andy:I would've graduated, but I ran out of money. Then I transferred to another school, but I ran out of money there too. Then I got really sick one semester, so I dropped out.

April:No.

Ron:I've always said, if you want something, you have to work for it. Even education.

Ron:That's why I'm not actively rooting against you, Andy.

Ron:I care about Andy. There, I said it.

Ron:I'm getting sappy.

Tom:We need to pick a font for the new Parks logo. What do you think, Jerry?

Jerry:Well, I think we should go with something clean and modern. Maybe Helvetica?

April:I only like fonts that look like they could kill me.

Tom:I'm like Steve Harvey. I got the mustache, I got the charm, I got the gravitas.

Andy:Yeah, I'm just learning the gor-tar. Still pretty new to it, you know?

Andy:Okay, okay, I have a confession to make. I've been pretending this whole time.

Andy:I'm actually really good at guitar.

Andy:I've been playing since I was a kid.

April:We know.

Andy:What? How?

April:Andy, you've been playing 'Wonderwall' perfectly for the last twenty minutes.

Ron:You have the slenderest fingers I've ever seen. It's like you don't have any bones in them. They're like beautiful, beautiful worms.

Leslie:I'm going to schedule the park opening so far in the future that by the time it actually opens, I'll have already accomplished all my other goals and won't care about this one anymore.

Ben:The park is too small for a basketball court. I mean, you'd literally just have a basketball rolling around in a parking lot.

Professor:We won't be using actual lasers in this class.

Andy:What? No actual lasers? This is the worst day of my life.

Tom:I'm going to redesign the Parks Department from the ground up. We need to be sleek, efficient, and profitable. Think of it like this: right now, we're a Pontiac Aztek. Ugly, nobody wants it, and it smells like desperation and broken dreams.

Leslie:Wait, that's it? We're done? But we haven't even gone through the zoning variance requests, or the noise ordinance amendments, or... anyone? Does anyone have any concerns? Complaints? Anything?

Leslie:No? Really? This is so frustrating. I need you people to complain more. How am I supposed to solve problems if nobody tells me what the problems are?

Andy:Why would I take a Civil War class? I already know how it ends. The North wins.

Professor:Joan of Arc showed incredible courage facing execution, knowing she was right.

Andy:That sounds amazing. Do you think they'd let me do that?

Andy:Wait, Women's Studies? That sounds amazing!

April:It is. It's a real class.

Andy:Women's... Studies... Women's Lasers!

April:No, Studies.

Andy:That's what I said. Women's Lasers.

Andy:I'm taking Women's Studies.

Ron:Why?

Andy:To learn about women and their studies.

Ron:That's not... never mind.

Andy:Did you know that women invented the laser? No wait, that was lasers. Women invented... the study of lasers?

Ron:Get out of my office.

Resident:Wait, you work for the government?

Leslie:I do, but I'm also a whistleblower exposing a massive government conspiracy.

Jerry:Tom, we really just need you to pick a simple font for the document.

Tom:Simple? SIMPLE?! I am not a simple man, Jerry. I am a complex tapestry of ambition, style, and unbridled charisma. My font choices are a reflection of my soul. I will not be confined to your pedestrian notions of simplicity.

Ben:Leslie steamrolls me in our partnership. I tried to tell her we shouldn't work together, but she just kept talking over me.

Ben:So I made a public declaration about it.

Andy:Hey ladies, I'm here to register for Women's Studies. I'm Andy Dwyer, and I'm a feminist.

Professor:That's great. Have you taken any prerequisite courses?

Andy:No, but I've watched a lot of Lifetime movies, and I'm pretty sure I know what's going on.

Andy:Yeah, I'd like to register for Women's Studies, please.

Registrar:That class is full.

Andy:Oh man. Do you know when the next Women's Studies is? I've been trying to catch Women for like three months.

Andy:I can't take April's parents' money. That's not who I am.

Andy:I'm gonna start a street begging business. I'll be like a regular beggar, but with better jokes.

Ann:Leslie, you're a steamroller.

Leslie:What? A steamroller?

Ann:Yes. You just steamroll over people and their feelings.

Leslie:I do not steamroll people!

Ann:You're like a steamroller that's lost its brakes, barreling down a hill, crushing everything in its path, and you don't even notice because you're too busy planning the next thing.

Leslie:That is not fair.

Ann:You're a steamroller that's on fire, Leslie. A flaming steamroller with a megaphone, screaming about your vision, and anyone who disagrees gets flattened and set ablaze.

Ann:You're a steamroller, Leslie. You push too hard.

Leslie:Actually, a steamroller would be a more accurate description if I were flattening things, which I'm not. I'm more of a... a very efficient organizer who occasionally gets ahead of herself.

Leslie:I'm like a steamroller, just flattening everything in my path, and I'm not going to stop until... until the... the roller thing... what do you call that?

Ben:The roller?

Leslie:Yes, thank you.

Jerry:I've been doing everything the same way for over 30 years.

Jerry:Same clothes, same routines, same ID card photo.

Andy:Ron, I need help paying for college.

Ron:I'm going to create a scholarship in my name. The Ron Swanson Memorial Scholarship for Excellence in Woodworking and Breakfast Foods.

Andy:Ron, you're not dead.

Ron:Not yet.

Ron:I'm helping Andy because I believe in investing in people who show promise. It's practical, it's efficient, and frankly, I have more money than I could spend in ten lifetimes anyway. I've got at least three barrels of it buried in various locations around Pawnee.

Leslie:Leslie tries to extend the protest meeting by stopping a man from leaving for the bathroom: 'Hey. Where are you going, Joe? Bathroom break? No. Get back over there. I'll find you a bottle or something.'

Tom:Thank you, thank you. I'm glad you all appreciate my vision.

Leslie:Tom, this is incredible. You've really outdone yourself.

Tom:I know. I'm basically a design genius at this point.

Jerry:Actually, I came up with that logo back in 1987.

Tom:Nobody asked you, Jerry. You're number four now.

Jerry:I was number three yesterday.

Leslie:Okay, I respect that. You don't want to work together anymore. I get it. So... do you want to go out sometime?

Ben:Leslie, no.

Leslie:What? Come on, Ben. We have great chemistry. We make each other laugh.

Andy:Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm just gonna go back to my desk and eat a tub of ice cream.

Professor:Mr. Dwyer, that's not even close to the correct answer.

Andy:Yeah, I know. But you know what? That's cool. Ice cream's delicious.

Andy:Andy greets the Women's Studies registration desk: 'Hello, ma'am, who is just as equal as men. I would like one ticket for Women.'

Andy · April:Andy's plan to pay for Women's Studies: 'I'm going to beg for money on the street like a drug addict.' April: 'No.' Andy: 'Yep.'

April:April's reaction to the $940 class cost: 'Oh, my God. Everything in my life is going wrong right now. Whose fault is this? I demand to know.'

Leslie · Ann:Ann confronts Leslie about being a steamroller: 'You made me watch all eight Harry Potter movies. I don't even like Harry Potter.' Leslie: 'That's insane. You love Harry Potter. You've seen all eight movies.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann: 'When we go out to a bar, you order my drinks for me.' Leslie: 'Because you order white wine and it gives you a headache.' Ann: 'Well, it's my headache.'

Ann:Ann finally gets through to Leslie: 'You're a steamroller! You are a massive, enormous, runaway steamroller, with no brakes and a cement brick on the gas pedal.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie's self-critique: 'I'm the worst.' Ann corrects her: 'No, you're very passionate.' Leslie: 'Well, then, you should call me a bulldozer rather than a steamroller.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie searches for the metaphor: 'Okay. Well, this steamroller is hanging up her...' [long pause] 'The roll-y thing on the front of the machine. What do you, what do you call that?' Ann: 'Roller?' Leslie: 'Probably. Okay.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie: 'Well, this steamroller is hanging up her... [pause] ...The roll-y thing on the front of the machine. What do you, what do you call that?' Ann: 'Roller?' Leslie: 'Probably. Okay.'

Jerry · Tom:Jerry comforts Tom with a 'triple-decker ham-and-cheese from the cafeteria. Always makes me feel better.' Tom: 'Two pathetic guys, eating pathetic sandwiches. Sounds terrific.'

Tom:Jerry describes his life as a cautionary tale: 'I guess I'm Jerry now. After work, I'll just go home, straight to my boring house, kiss my wife, and have a home-cooked meal with my three beautiful daughters. What a miserable life.'

Jerry · Tom:Jerry reveals his original ID card from his first day on the job: 'Heck, I still use my original ID card from my first day on the job.' [Shows it to Tom; Tom has a stunned reaction and runs off.]

Andy:Andy's fundraising scheme on display: 'Mouse Rat CD. $30. Candy bars. $50. $50. God, people here are so cheap.'

April · Andy:April tells Ron she's back working at her old job. Andy: 'Do you want a shoe shine? It's $100.' April: 'Laugh all you want, Kyle. I already took the money out of your wallet.'

Ron · Andy:Ron announces a 'Ron Swanson Scholarship' and gives Andy money. Andy: 'I don't think so. I don't remember applying for that.'

Ron:Ron's confessional explaining the scholarship: 'One thing I promised myself when I buried gold in my backyard was that I'd never be a hoarder or a miser about it.'

Ann · Ben:Ann's cheesecake admission: 'She once made me eat an entire cheesecake at a potluck so she didn't look bad.' Ben: 'You ate an entire cheesecake? Why didn't you just throw it away?' Ann: 'Because with everything she's done for me, I would eat 10 cheesecakes for her. Also, PS, it was delicious and amazing, like everything she does.'

Tom · Chris:Tom's vintage logo pitch: Using the old 1970s logo as a limited edition on hats, posters, and T-shirts. Chris: 'It is possibly the best idea anyone has had in this government in 100 years.'

Tom:Tom credits Jerry as 'my number four' for the vintage logo idea: 'He shared some words of wisdom with me today. And while he was yammering on about whatever, I happened to see his old ID card.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie to Ben: 'I wasn't sure you were going to come.' Ben: 'Well, I got very curious when you only left me one voicemail message instead of your usual 20.'

Leslie:Leslie offers Ben a seat: 'Here, have a seat. But only if you want to.'

Andy:Andy on his first day of Women's Studies: 'Oh, crap. I forgot my books and my computer.'

Women's Studies Professor · Student:Women's Studies professor lecturing: 'We need to start teaching women football. Teaching women UFC. Teaching them to drive trucks without crashing.' [Student]: 'Hey. Maybe I'm only sexy, and maybe that's all you see. But at least you can give me extra money, tip money and stuff. I'll flirt with you, write my name on a napkin. They're going to do it in a right kind of legal way that empowers prostitution. We don't rest until we get that. That will be progress.'

Andy:Andy in Women's Studies, confidently answers a question wrong, then says: 'I thought... I thought maybe it was. When I was... I'll get them next time. Back to you, Professor.'