Driving Test

Johnny:Do you have your license?

David:It's fine.

Johnny:I didn't ask if it was fine, I asked if you have it.

David:Yes, and I'm telling you it's fine.

Alexis:Oh my God, you guys, David failed his driving test. Again. He parallel parked into a storefront. A storefront!

Alexis:And when the examiner told him he failed, he cried. Like, actually cried. It was so embarrassing.

Alexis:*gasps dramatically*

Alexis:You failed your driving test four times.

David:I didn't fail. I was asked to leave.

Alexis:That's failing.

David:It's not the same thing.

Alexis:You were banned from two DMVs.

David:Those were politically motivated.

David:It didn't take 16 tries.

Johnny:Oh really? Because I have a list here. Try number one...

Alexis:When you tried to fix the sink and flooded the entire back room.

Moira:Try number two: the time you thought you could rewire the electrical panel.

Johnny:Try number three, four, five, six...

David:Okay, I get it.

Moira:David, darling, I've consulted with several medical professionals, and they've all come to the same conclusion. You are suffering from a severe case of incompetence-itis. It's a degenerative condition, I'm afraid, with no known cure.

Moira:David, darling, would you drive me to the store?

Johnny:Moira, we just spent the last twenty minutes talking about how David can't drive.

Moira:Yes, well, that was before I needed to go to the store.

Johnny:Did you take my wallet?

Moira:I don't know what you're talking about.

David:I would honestly rather contract a fatal disease than go through all of this paperwork.

David:Patrick, I've been going through all these files and I'm realizing we haven't filed our corporate taxes in three years. Three years!

Patrick:Oh yeah, I know.

David:You know? How do you know that so casually?

Patrick:Well, I also haven't filed my personal taxes in five years, so...

David:Did your neglect ever actually work out?

Patrick:I think we're getting sidetracked.

David:Well, I prefer to think of it as owning my failures. And you're the bad employee.

Patrick:You know, when things get overwhelming, I find it helpful to take a short break. Maybe step away for five minutes, clear your head, get some fresh air.

Patrick:Actually, make that ten minutes. Ten minutes is really the optimal time to reset mentally.

Patrick:Or, you know, fifteen. Fifteen minutes allows for a proper walk, maybe grab a coffee.

Patrick:A half hour, really. A solid thirty minutes is when you start to see real benefits.

Patrick:Maybe take the rest of the day. I mean, why fight it?

David:Patrick, you can't just ask someone to be your lucky person. That's not a thing.

Patrick:I'd be happy to help you with your errands.

David:Really? That would be amazing.

Patrick:Well, actually, I can't do your errands because I need you to drive me to the car rental place first.

David:So you need me to drive you to rent a car so you can do errands for me?

Patrick:Yes.

David:Wow, Patrick. What an incredible breakthrough. You've finally figured out that showing up to someone's event uninvited and unannounced might not be the best timing. Next, you'll discover that water is wet.

Alexis:I have licenses in seven countries.

Alexis:She has a commercial trucking license because she 'had a lot of people to move'.

David:Not everyone can flirt their way to a license.

Alexis:Well, you try parallel parking in a bandage dress.

Alexis:Oh my God, David, I'm getting a text from the group chat.

David:Alexis, eyes on the road!

Alexis:I am looking at the road. I'm also looking at my phone. I'm very talented.

David:That is not talent, that is a felony!

David:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Alexis:What? I've had a child drive me through Manhattan.

David:What?

Alexis:Yeah, it was fine.

Johnny:It's just a minor plumbing issue. We'll get it fixed.

Moira:Yes, darling. Hardly catastrophic.

Stevie:A minor plumbing issue? MINOR?! Do you have any idea what's happening in my life right now?

Stevie:I'm falling apart. Everything is falling apart.

Stevie:I'm having some serious business problems.

Moira:Oh, a man?

Stevie:No, it's not about a man.

Moira:A woman?

Moira:A drip? A *drip*? Do you understand what that means? It's not just water, it's the slow, methodical erosion of my will to live. Each drop is like a tiny hammer striking my very soul.

David:Mom, it's a leaky faucet.

Moira:A leaky faucet is what they used in medieval torture chambers, David. I'm calling a plumber. Actually, I'm calling a therapist. For the faucet.

Stevie:I can't handle this. The stress is overwhelming. I don't know what to do.

Moira:Oh darling, it's quite simple really. You're just having commitment issues with your business.

Moira:Have you considered pharmaceutical amnesia? A little Ambien, a glass of pinot grigio, and you'll wake up tomorrow with absolutely no recollection of your business venture.

Moira:And that's why you need a solid business plan. Take your father, for instance—

Johnny:What? Why am I the cautionary tale?

Moira:Because you're a perfect example of what happens when you don't prepare.

Johnny:I prepared. I prepared extensively.

Moira:Darling, you lost everything.

Johnny:That's... that's not fair.

Moira:Oh, Stevie. I have just the thing. I have a Xanax that I was prescribed in 1987 for a commercial audition that never happened. It's bound to still have some kick to it.

Stevie:Moira, I don't think that's—

Moira:The expiration date has long since passed, which I'm told only makes them stronger. You'll feel nothing for anywhere between four and seven years.

Alexis:Nobody cares about your driving test, David.

David:What does that mean? That's a very cryptic statement.

David:You just skate through life without any real responsibilities or consequences.

Alexis:I don't skate, David. I walk.

Alexis:I just bought these Gianvito Rossi heels for $1,200.

Johnny:I fixed the drip.

Stevie:You put a plastic bag under it.

Johnny:It collects the water.

Stevie:That's not fixing it, that's just... delaying the inevitable.

Johnny:Look, these things always work themselves out. Something will come up.

Stevie:You could just ask David for help.

Johnny:No, no, no. That's not going to work.

Johnny:Well, maybe the second or third best idea you've ever had.

Roland:I'm telling you, Bob, this pulp mill is state-of-the-art. Have you seen the floors? Spotless! Not a speck of dust anywhere.

Bob:Roland, it's a pulp mill.

Roland:I know what it is, but when was the last time you saw a pulp mill with floors this clean? It's a game-changer.

Examiner:Name?

David:David Rose.

Examiner:Okay... and what brings you in today?

David:I'm here for my driver's license exam.

Examiner:Right. Well, let's get started then, um...

David:David. I just told you my name.

Examiner:Yes, yes. Of course.

David:Wait, wait, wait. Are you even listening to me? I'm pouring my heart out here.

Examiner:I'm listening. I'm just... filling out forms.

David:Well, could you fill out forms and make eye contact? I'm very vulnerable right now.

Examiner:I'm looking at you.

David:No, you're looking *past* me. There's a difference. One is soul-crushing.

Johnny:So how did it go with the council? Did you get the funding?

Moira:Well, not exactly. But I've been thinking about it, and failure is actually just success that hasn't learned to present itself properly.

Moira:In fact, I would argue that my rejection today is merely the universe's way of redirecting my considerable talents toward a more spiritually aligned endeavor.

Moira:The funding was never the point, Johnny. The point was the journey of self-discovery that comes with public humiliation.

Johnny:So you didn't get it.

Moira:I did not get it.

David:You can't trust her. Last year she told me she was going to a yoga retreat in Sedona, and instead she went to East Asian palaces.

Alexis:It was ONE time, David.

David:It was multiple palaces, Alexis.

Johnny:I think we should go into business together.

Stevie:Okay.

Ray:Well, I would advise against that. Mr. Rose has no business experience, no financial acumen, no practical skills of any kind, no relevant education, no references, and a crippling lack of confidence in even the simplest tasks.

Johnny:Well, I think that's a bit of an exaggeration.

Ray:Is it?

Johnny:Well, I fixed it. The leak is completely sealed.

David:Dad, why is scalding water coming out of the cold tap?

Johnny:That's... that's a separate issue.

Moira:So you've essentially created a booby trap in our only bathroom.

Johnny:I'll fix it.

Alexis:When? After you fix the other thing you fixed?

Johnny:The hot water is coming out wrong.

David:Well, have you tried turning it off?

Johnny:Now they can't turn it off and someone's getting burned.

Johnny:Well, the faucet is shooting water, it's on fire, and I can't turn it off.

Johnny:But if I can just get this temperature valve to work, everything will be fine.