Rooms By The Hour

Alexis:Do I look like your agent?

Alexis:David, I think you have a very serious medical condition.

David:What? What are you talking about?

Alexis:It's called narcissistic personality disorder, and it's terminal.

David:That's not funny.

Alexis:No, it's not. It's actually very sad. For everyone around you.

Alexis:David, I'm checking your email for important agent correspondence.

Alexis:Oh my God. It's just spam dating ads.

Alexis:It says 'must be willing to cry on command.' Can you cry on command?

Moira:Alexis, I've been crying on command since my second husband left me for his pilates instructor.

Moira:The sequel is coming out next week. I'm very excited about it.

Alexis:That's so cool, mom!

Moira:Yes, well, the first one was quite successful, so naturally they're capitalizing on that momentum.

David:I've never actually seen the first one.

Moira:What?

David:I've never heard of it.

David:Mother, please. We've been through this. Every time you get offered a role, it's somehow going to require us to completely upend our lives.

Moira:But David, this could be the opportunity of a lifetime! A commercial for artisanal cheese!

David:It's a commercial. For cheese. And somehow I know this means I'll be driving you to auditions at 5 AM, you'll need a new headshot, and Patrick will have to reschedule his entire week.

Johnny:I'm doing fine. I've got everything under control. I know exactly what I'm doing.

Johnny:Yes, well, the system here is very... it's complicated. Very complicated. Not like other agencies.

Guest:You seem like you're... struggling a bit.

Johnny:Well, I wouldn't say struggling, I'd say I'm... dealing with some challenges. Ish.

Twyla:Wait, so there's no competition yet?

Moira:Not yet, dear. But I'm sure once word gets out that I'm auditioning, every actress in this town will be scrambling for the role.

Moira:Well, everyone knows this movie.

Jocelyn:I don't.

Jocelyn:But congratulations.

Twyla:I'm just so honored to be taking your part. I mean, I know I'm not nearly as talented or sophisticated as you.

Moira:Twyla, stop. I will not have you disparaging yourself in my presence. It's unseemly and frankly, it's giving very little to the room.

Alexis:Oh my God, he looks like if Ryan Gosling and a German Shepherd had a baby.

Ted:I mean, it's inappropriate. Using sex to sell veterinary services? It's exploitative and frankly, it cheapens the profession.

Alexis:Ted, you literally have a poster of that sexy vet in your office.

Ted:That's different. That's for... educational purposes.

Alexis:It's literally covering your filing cabinet.

Ted:Well, I'm not just sitting around doing nothing. I'm actively working on my abs.

Ted:I mean, if you're going to use sex to sell your business, why don't you just become a male stripper?

Alexis:What's the Dude Cave?

Ted:It's where your dad hangs out. He's been working on his car down there.

Alexis:Oh my God, which car?

Ted:The Cadillac. He says it's a classic.

Alexis:That car is older than me. Like, significantly.

Alexis:I mean, it's mostly just lonely men watching a bunny eat lettuce for eight hours a day.

David:How do you want me to count you in?

Moira:Oh, just say 'one, two, three, go.'

David:Okay. One, two, three, go.

Moira:No, that's not right. Try again.

David:One, two, three, go.

Moira:You're saying the numbers too evenly. I need you to say 'one' like it's a question, 'two' like it's a statement, and then skip 'three' and go straight to 'four.'

David:That's not how counting works.

Moira:Well, it's how *I* count in.

Moira:A murder of crows.

David:You realize this is just 'The Raven,' right?

Moira:No, it's not. There are crows in it.

David:There's one crow. In 'The Raven.'

Moira:Well, I have several.

David:Why would they name two characters the same thing? That's confusing.

Moira:It's not confusing, darling. One is pronounced differently.

David:They're spelled the same way.

Moira:Well, yes, but the *intent* is different.

Moira:The logic of the script is actually quite sound.

David:Mom, the main character's love interest is a sentient bottle of pinot grigio.

Moira:Yes, and it works.

David:Well, I mean, you literally act with a corpse, so...

David:I'm not sure what you're looking for from me here.

Moira:David, I have been acting since before you were born. In fact, I have been acting since significantly before you were born.

Moira:David, I don't appreciate you giving me notes on my performance. I am a trained professional.

David:Mom, you were born three weeks early.

Moira:Well, that explains it.

Johnny:I've finally turned this business around. We're profitable, we're thriving, people actually respect what we've built here.

Stevie:Yeah. Cool.

Stevie · Johnny:So you're renting our rooms by the hour?! / We haven't had a guest in four days!

Johnny:I'm simply describing what I observed. A woman, providing companionship services, meeting gentlemen in hotel rooms for substantial fees, with a clear understanding that certain... physical favors would be exchanged for compensation.

Johnny:It's a legitimate business arrangement. She sets her rates, they negotiate the terms, and then they spend time together in a private setting where—

Johnny:What? I'm just saying she's an entrepreneur. A very flexible entrepreneur who specializes in making men happy for money.

Stevie:That sounds like you're describing yourself.

Johnny:Well, I'm aware.

David:Oh my God, is that a bunny? That's adorable.

David:Wait, why is someone filming a bunny 24 hours a day? That's not normal. Something's wrong. That bunny is definitely dead.

David:This is adorable. Wait, where is this going? Is this... is this going to end with the bunny being eaten by a hawk?

Alexis:The bunny cam has like, way more viewers than your Instagram.

David:Well, my Instagram is private, so...

Alexis:It's not private, David. I follow you, and I'm not even following you.

David:He's not undressing, Alexis. He's just... removing his clothes.

Alexis:I mean, did you see his body? It was amazing.

David:No, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to unsee what I did see.

Johnny:I understand you work in... a particular field of business.

Trish:Oh honey, I don't work in a field. I work in a lot of positions.

Johnny:What exactly is it that you do?

Trish:I'm a sex worker, John. And I'm very good at what I do.

Trish:I have a very high client retention rate.

Johnny:I'm concerned about what goes on in these rooms.

Trish:Well, people sleep in them, they shower, sometimes they have sex...

Johnny:Yes, well—

Trish:It's a hotel room, Johnny. That's what they're for.

Moira:Are you running a prostitution ring out of our home?

Trish:Oh honey, it's not a ring. It's more of a... loose network.

Ted:Wait, you're telling me I've been on camera this whole time?

Alexis:Oh my God, I literally just noticed.

Ted:Just noticed?! Alexis, I've been undressing for the past ten minutes!

Alexis:I know, I was... multitasking.

Alexis:I mean, Ted was literally just standing there with his shirt off. Like, he wasn't even trying to hide it.

Moira:Perhaps he was making a statement.

Alexis:A statement? Mom, the only statement he was making was 'I have a body and I'm not afraid to show it.' Which, honestly, is kind of sexy.

David:It's really not.

Alexis:Well, I thought it was intentional. Like, who takes their shirt off that casually? He was obviously trying to seduce someone.

Alexis:Well, I mean, people are clearly interested in seeing Ted without his clothes on. I think that's pretty normal.

Ted:Well, I like to think of them as my viewers. People who tune in regularly to watch me work.

Alexis:They're perverts, Ted.

Ted:I'm going to keep the webcam running. I mean, I have nothing to hide. Well, I have some things to hide, but nothing that would be of interest to anyone watching.

Ted:Although, I do need to establish some boundaries with my mother about when she can call.

David:Mom, you haven't even read the script yet.

Moira:David, I don't need to read a script. I need to read a contract. And a call sheet. And some very flattering behind-the-scenes photography.

David:But you don't know anything about the role.

Moira:I know it's going to be transformative. I can feel it in my soul. This is my moment, David. This is everything I've been working toward.

David:It says here that you'll be required to pronounce words with the letter 'X' in them.

Moira:Well, that's not a problem. I'm quite good with my consonants.

David:'X' is not a consonant, Mother. It's a cry for help.

David:It says here that my accommodations include a cot in the storage room and a mini-fridge that hasn't worked since 2003.

Moira:Well, David, that's what you get for working in the family business.

David:A cot in a storage room isn't an accommodation, Moira. It's a cry for help.

David:Wait, it says here that I have to sign a death waiver.

Moira:Well, yes. It's a standard clause.

David:A death waiver? For what, exactly?

Moira:In case you die.

David:In case I die? During what? A fitting?

Moira:Well, one never knows, David.

David:Well, there's also a clause here about non-compete agreements, and it says that I'm not allowed to—

Moira:Stop.

Roland:You know, John, you're like a... you're like a baked potato that's been left out in the sun too long, and then someone puts it back in the oven, but they forget to take the foil off, so it's all steamed and weird, but... but in a good way. You know? You're doing great, buddy.

Johnny:I have no idea what you just said, and I'm not going to pretend that I do.

Roland:I'm Johnny Rose, I don't have feelings. *makes exaggerated closing gesture* Whoooosh!

Roland:Ken's not a client, he's a friend. He comes by to visit.

Johnny:Well, he's paying you, isn't he?

Roland:He's paying for the room! That doesn't make him a... that makes him a guest at my motel, you absolute cabbage.

Roland:You listen here. I'm the mayor of this town, and I have half a mind to shut this whole operation down myself.

Roland:I'm gonna call the mayor and tell him what's going on here. And if he doesn't do anything about it, I'm gonna call the mayor of the next town over.

Roland:You know, Johnny, if you're going to consort with that type of woman, the least you could do is have a conversation with her about her life choices and morality.

Johnny:Roland, I'm not going to lecture a sex worker about her career.

Roland:Well, that's the problem with your generation. No moral compass.

Moira:I'm returning to the duet because I've come to realize that not every artist needs a massive platform to make an impact. Sometimes the most meaningful performances happen in intimate venues where you can really connect with your audience on a deeper level. Plus, I've always believed that true artistry transcends geography. A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and a Moira by any other spotlight would still shine just as brightly. Besides, David mentioned something about tax write-offs, and I think we should all be supporting local business.

Moira:Your father and I were in the Caribbean, on a boat, and we were listening to 'Islands in the Stream,' and well... let's just say that's how David came to be.

David:Mom, I don't need to hear this.

Moira:We were docked in Bermuda at the time, so technically you were conceived in Bermuda.

David:Please stop talking.

Moira:Though your father insists it was the Bahamas.

Jocelyn:Islands in the stream, that is what we are...

Twyla:No one in between, how can we be wrong?

Jocelyn:Bzzzzt, flamingo, pterodactyl...

Twyla:Sparkle, hamster, encyclopedia!

Moira:I'd like to join the duet performance.

Moira:Amore, amore, amore! *singing dramatically in Italian* Non, non, non! *switching to French with exaggerated vibrato* Oui, oui, c'est magnifique!

Moira:Ahhhhh, mon dieu! I simply must— *joins in with elaborate operatic flourishes in mock French and Italian*