Murder Mystery

Jocelyn:I need to warn you all about something very serious. There's a murderer in our community, and we need to be extremely careful.

Twyla:It's for my murder mystery party this weekend!

Moira:Well, a murder mystery party is hardly our first foray into elaborate social events. We've attended far more... exclusive gatherings. Why, I once went to a party where everyone wore masks and very little else. It was very Eyes Wide Shut.

Moira:We have plans Saturday night.

Twyla:Oh. I just guessed the day wrong.

Moira:Well, I appreciate the invitation, but I find myself in a position where I must respectfully table this matter pending a comprehensive review of my scheduling infrastructure and a full risk assessment of the event parameters.

Johnny:We're going to position the Rosebud as a luxury destination. We'll offer premium amenities, impeccable service, an elevated experience.

Stevie:Which luxury motel are we talking about?

Stevie:Well, I mean, I do look like a professional female golfer.

Johnny:You can drive the golf cart.

Stevie:Can I drink?

Johnny:Yes.

Stevie:Okay, I'm in.

Stevie:You know, I've learned that in business, you have to be willing to do things that make you uncomfortable. Like, really uncomfortable. Like, gag reflex uncomfortable.

Johnny:That's... not the philosophy I was hoping to hear.

Stevie:Well, that's the one you're getting. Because at the end of the day, money doesn't care about your feelings, Johnny. It only cares about your willingness to debase yourself.

Twyla:Are you coming to the party?

Moira:A party? Oh, I'd love to, but I'm famished. Could you have them prepare me a BLT?

Twyla:No, I meant—

Moira:And hold the bread. I'm watching my carbs.

Twyla:I was really hoping you'd bring something special to the party.

Moira:Of course I'm bringing something special. I'm Moira Rose.

Twyla:It's potluck.

Moira:A potluck? Twyla, I don't do potluck. I do pot roast. I do pot pie. I do not do potluck.

Moira:No one is coming.

Twyla:Well, maybe they're all just busy. Or maybe they don't know where the venue is. Or maybe they think it's next weekend. Or maybe they all died.

Twyla:Well, I mean, if Brenda's cousin's friend can get off work, and if the weather is nice, and if my car doesn't break down again, then maybe we'll have a really good turnout.

Twyla:Well, I do have some guests coming. I have a pathetic guest list that's basically my mom's dating situation.

Moira:You cannot comp influential guests. It sends the wrong message.

Twyla:But Moira, it's free anyway. We're not losing money.

Moira:Free?! Oh my God, that's even worse. Now they think we're desperate.

Alexis:Oh my God, David, there's a man. He just... he comes to the house. Every day. With letters.

David:Yes, that's the mailman.

Alexis:But why? Why does he do that? Is he being held captive? Does he need help?

David:No, Alexis. It's his job.

Alexis:His job is to come into our house uninvited and leave things? That's either a job or a crime, David, and I'm not sure which.

Alexis:Wait, so he just... comes to our house every day?

David:Yes.

Alexis:And he brings us things?

David:Yes.

Alexis:For free?

David:Well, no. I'm sure there's a fee involved somewhere. No one does anything for free.

Alexis:So like, how much do you usually tip the mailman? Because I've been doing like fifty bucks a week.

David:Alexis, you don't tip the mailman. He's a federal employee. The post office is funded by taxes.

Alexis:Oh my God, so I've just been giving money to a stranger?

David:Yes. Although, now that I'm saying it out loud, I'm not entirely sure how the postal service works.

David:You're always hanging around here. Don't you have a job?

Alexis:I'm not hanging around, David. I'm the PR consultant for the Woebegone Clothing Company.

David:That closed down three months ago.

Alexis:Well, I'm also dating Ted now, so I have a lot going on.

David:You're taking astronomy?

Alexis:Yeah, I thought it would be like, astrology, you know? Like reading people's signs and stuff.

David:That's astrology, not astronomy.

Alexis:Well, I didn't know that! I thought it was like a really exclusive thing, like, you know, only beautiful people could do it.

Roland:Now, you want to grip it firmly, but not too tight. You gotta feel it in your hands.

Stevie:Okay.

Roland:And then you're gonna want to spread your legs a little wider for better balance.

Stevie:Right.

Roland:Now bend over and really get your rear end up in the air.

Stevie:I'm not doing that.

Roland:Okay, now spread your legs a little wider. No, wider. Come on, don't be shy.

Johnny:Roland, this is getting very uncomfortable.

Roland:Just trust me. Now bend over and grab your ankles.

Johnny:I'm not doing that.

Roland:Johnny, I'm trying to teach you golf here. Now turn around and let me get behind you to show you the proper grip.

Johnny:These golf grips are ridiculously expensive. What makes them worth the price?

Roland:Well, they've got names like the Velvet Hammer, the Sultan's Caress, the Gentleman's Touch...

Johnny:Those aren't real grip names, are they?

Roland:No, but they sound expensive, don't they?

Johnny:Are we... are we rolling right now?

Stevie:Yeah, we're rolling.

Johnny:Oh God. Um, okay. Just so you know, I'm not really comfortable being on camera.

Roland:Are you kidding me? This is fantastic! I'm a natural in front of the lens!

Johnny:Roland, you're not even in frame.

Roland:Not yet. Just wait.

Moira:Jocelyn, darling, I haven't received your RSVP. Has something dreadful happened? Have you been struck by tragedy? Is it a death in the family? A debilitating illness? A social scandal of such magnitude that you can no longer show your face in polite society?

Jocelyn:No, I just... I didn't see the invitation.

Moira:Well, that IS a tragedy.

Jocelyn:Twyla forgot to assign the murderer role

Jocelyn:So then we organized this murder mystery party, right? And someone actually stole the silverware.

Jocelyn:I mean, we were all so into character, nobody realized it was a real crime until the next morning.

Moira:The party has really picked up bodies.

Jocelyn:That sounds... positive?

Alexis:I lost my diploma.

David:You lost your diploma?

Alexis:I don't know where it is. It was probably in one of my bags that I left in the Hamptons, or it could be in a storage unit somewhere. I really don't know.

Moira:Well, this is just adding insult to injury.

Johnny:You know, I wish that our financial ruin was a natural disaster. At least then we'd have something to blame other than ourselves.

David:Well, I'm sure they won't reject you just for a missing diploma.

Alexis:They literally just did.

Alexis:What are you doing?

David:I'm organizing the store inventory system using a color-coded filing method that accounts for seasonal fluctuations, supplier lead times, and customer preference patterns. It's not just filing, Alexis. It's a comprehensive logistics solution.

Golf Club Employee:Where did you play this morning?

Johnny:Uh... Pebble Beach.

Stevie:No, we played... Shadow Creek.

Johnny:Yes, Shadow Creek at Pebble Beach.

Johnny:We played at, uh... Pebble Beach.

Stevie:No, we said Torrey Pines.

Johnny:Right, yes, Torrey Pines. Very exclusive.

Stevie:In... Canada.

Johnny:It's a very exclusive course. You wouldn't have heard of it.

Golf Manager:Where is it?

Johnny:It's in... the Hamptons.

Golf Manager:Which Hamptons course?

Johnny:It's very private. They don't advertise. Very selective membership.

Johnny:It's a very exclusive course. Extremely exclusive. You wouldn't know about it because... it's not open to the public. It's private. Very private.

Johnny:The fairways are maintained to the highest standard. Immaculate, really. Championship-level maintenance.

Johnny:It's just... it's not widely advertised because they prefer to keep membership limited. Word of mouth only. Very discreet operation.

Ted:I was just thinking about all those crazy things we used to do in college. Like throwing the sack around.

Alexis:Wait, you threw sex around in college?

Ted:No, the sack. The football sack.

Alexis:Oh my God, that is so much less interesting.

Ted:Wait, you didn't actually go to UCLA?

Alexis:Well, I mean, I was *accepted*. I just didn't actually attend. But that's basically the same thing.

Ted:That is not the same thing at all.

Alexis:Okay, but I'm very knowledgeable about Los Angeles. I could have gone. I just chose not to, which I think is even more impressive.

Alexis:I took a semester off.

David:You took a semester off? For what?

Alexis:Well, I was going to go back, but then I ran into Kourtney Kardashian at Nobu, and I just felt like, you know, why sit in a lecture hall when you could be networking with celebrities?

Ted:I followed the American Idol tour instead of finishing school.

Stevie:I'm ready to go hit some golf sticks.

Johnny:They're called golf clubs.

Stevie:That's what I said. Golf sticks.

David:Did you know that a group of flamingos is called a 'flamboyance'? I just learned that. I have nothing to do.

David:Did you know that honey never spoils? Archaeologists have found pots of honey in Egyptian tombs that are thousands of years old and still perfectly edible.

Moira:David, that is the saddest thing I've ever heard. You've really hit rock bottom, haven't you? Next you'll be telling me facts about the mating habits of seahorses.

Moira:David, darling, what you're experiencing is a severe case of ennui. It's a malaise of the spirit, a profound weariness of the soul that only the truly cultured and sophisticated can properly diagnose. You're not depressed, you're not tired—you're ennui-ed. It's far more elegant, really.

Moira:David, you have influence in this town. You cannot simply squander it on your various whims and complaints.

David:Mother, I have the same influence as a Starbucks in a town with one Starbucks. It's not influence, it's lack of options.

Moira:David, you simply must attend this soirée. It will be the bee's knees, the cat's pajamas, the elephant's eyebrows!

David:Mother, the elephant's eyebrows? That's not even a real phrase.

Moira:Well, it is now, and it's absolutely the berries!

David:Mom, where are you? You said you'd be here.

Moira:I know, but I've decided my work here is done.

David:Your work? You're not even here.

Moira:Exactly. I've successfully lowered everyone's expectations of me so much that my mere absence is now a gift.

David:Mom, you're the murderer everyone's been looking for?

Moira:Well, I didn't *plan* to be. But when life gives you an opportunity to disappear, you simply must take it. Besides, the lighting in that abandoned warehouse was absolutely dreadful. I'm doing them a favor by staying missing.

David:You can't just escape from a murder investigation!

Moira:Darling, I've escaped far worse. Three marriages, the nineties, and that unfortunate incident with the community theater production of Cats. This is nothing.

Moira:Well, the party was a tremendous success. The ambiance, the flow, the way I orchestrated every single detail.

David:Mom, you didn't do anything. You showed up twenty minutes late.

Moira:Yes, but my presence elevated the entire evening. I was the life of the party.

David:You spent the whole time telling people about your colonoscopy.

Moira:Well, nobody else was talking about theirs.

David:Oh my God. Wait. Were you the murderer in the murder mystery game?

Moira:What? No. Well, yes, but—

David:You were assigned the murderer and you've been taking credit for the party this whole time. Of course you were.

Johnny:We were there for your graduation, sweetheart. We saw the whole thing.

Moira:Yes, we arrived early, got excellent seats, and we were very moved.

Alexis:You left after fifteen minutes.

Johnny:That's not... we didn't leave early.

Moira:There was an issue with the acoustics in the gymnasium.

Alexis:You missed my entire name being called. You missed me walking across the stage. You missed everything.

Johnny:Well, we got the gist of it.

Johnny:We didn't actually stay for the whole thing.

Moira:It was rather tedious.

Johnny:We left after the first half hour.

Moira:The speeches were interminable.

Johnny:Look at this beautiful photo from Alexis's graduation.

Moira:Johnny, that's not Alexis.

Johnny:What do you mean? Of course it is.

Alexis:Dad, I've never seen that person in my life.

David:David's IMDB Rosa Parks discovery: 'Did you know that according to IMDB, Rosa Parks was in an episode of "Touched By an Angel?"'

Moira:Moira: 'You are bored, lethargic, and practically dripping with ennui!'

David:David: 'I'm at the buffet, and there is nothing to taste!'

David:David's flat refusal: 'Fine, I will make a surprise appearance. But it's twice around the room, and then I'm out.'

Ted:Ted: 'We always hoped they'd lead to sex, but... still.'

Moira:Moira: 'Is there any other way?' — responding to David's conditions

David · Alexis:Alexis: 'Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA?' / 'Yes... technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does.'

David:David: 'Truth be told, it took me a minute to finish high school myself.' He and some friends followed the American Idol tour.

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'We got some serious sack circles going.' Alexis: 'Oh, so many sex circles.' Ted: 'Sack. Hacky sack. We always hoped they'd lead to sex, but... still.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'I really wish you hadn't told me that last little bit, but... thank you.' David: 'That makes two of us.'

Alexis:Alexis reveals she met Beyoncé in Mykonos as justification for taking a semester off and not finishing high school

Johnny:David discovering Stevie and Johnny got onto the golf course: 'Let's get our golf sticks.'

David · Moira:David: 'Okay, that's a bit much.' / Moira: 'I blame myself.'

Moira:Moira's speech about Roaring Twenties dress: 'don't be a dew-dropper! Throw some concealer under those peepers, make like a swell, and go put on the Ritz!'

Moira:Moira: 'Is there any other way?' — responding to David's '...twice around the room, and then I'm out.'

Moira · David:Moira's phone call during golf practice: 'Rose residence. / You know who this is. / May I ask who's calling?'

Moira:Moira on the phone to David: 'They'll never catch me.' — about being the murderer at Twyla's party

David · Moira:David: 'You know who this is, and you know where I am.' / Moira: 'Did everyone show up?' / David: 'Yes, everybody showed up.' / Moira: 'Good, then my work is done.'

Moira · Johnny · Alexis:The Rose parents discover Alexis didn't actually graduate: 'We were at the graduation!' / 'Yeah, but I wasn't.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'We might not have stayed through the "R's," I think we left halfway through the "L's."'

Moira:Moira: 'Oh yeah, it got very repetitive' — referring to sitting through graduation names

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'No, that was-that was me.' [confusing the spray tan run-in with herself rather than Alexis]

Alexis · Johnny · Moira:The graduation photo turns out to be Jess Chang, not Alexis

Alexis:Alexis: 'Then how do you explain this graduation photo?' — revealing a photo that is clearly not her

Moira:Moira: 'Well, who can tell with all this hair in front of your face?'

Alexis:Alexis: 'That's not my face!'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'Okay, why didn't anyone come to my graduation?' Johnny: 'Well, you didn't graduate in Switzerland.' Alexis: 'And whose fault is that?!'

Johnny:Johnny: 'How long have you been carrying that around in your wallet?!'