The Olive Branch

Johnny:Well, this is your official college certificate.

Alexis:Oh my God, is that a line through my name?

Johnny:Yes, well, the printer hasn't been serviced in quite some time.

Alexis:So it literally says I didn't go to college.

Johnny:Technically, it says you did go to college, there's just a line through it.

Johnny:A college degree is a major achievement, but so is completing orthodontic treatment.

David:Dad, those are not the same thing.

Johnny:Why not? You wear the brackets for years, you follow all the rules, you finally get them off, and you have something to show for it.

Alexis:Well, my orthodontist certificate has way better printing than my college diploma.

David:That's because your orthodontist takes their credentials seriously.

Alexis:I just got offered my own PR firm, David.

David:That's... that's great, Alexis.

Alexis:I know it is. And you're still just... doing whatever it is you do at the store.

David:I own the store, Alexis.

Alexis:Exactly.

Johnny:It says here you have a degree in Pubic Relations.

Alexis:What? No, it's Public Relations. There's a typo on the degree.

Moira:Well, that's certainly a credential that precedes you.

Moira:It's obviously a misprint.

David:Is it though? What if it's intentional?

Alexis:David, you can't wear that.

David:Why not?

Alexis:Because you have pockets. And pockets are a cry for help.

David:I was going to confront him sooner, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. Okay, I wasn't ready.

Alexis:You just like being treated like royalty.

David:I do not enjoy being treated like royalty.

Alexis:David, you literally just said—

David:I enjoy being treated like *me*. There's a difference.

Alexis:People think you guys should work things out because you're obviously still in love with each other.

David:I'm not... I don't think that's...

Alexis:Like, first you were just texting him a lot, which was cute, then you were showing up at his place, which was a little needy, and now you're just... following him around.

David:I'm not following him.

Alexis:You literally followed him to the farmer's market today.

David:I needed produce.

David:I'm not saying I don't not want to reconcile with you.

David:I'm not motivated by gifts.

David:Alexis, can you please make sure to protect any incoming packages?

Moira:Words? David, she's printed words on paper. How pedestrian.

Moira:Well, if you're throwing your High-Street beret in the ring, then I suppose I'll have to dust off my competition gloves. Though I must say, the competition around here is rather... pedestrian.

Moira:Alexis, darling, this isn't a business proposal, it's a cry for help wrapped in spanandry.

Alexis:That's not even a word.

Moira:It is now. And it describes exactly what you're doing here.

Moira:You know, there's an old Irish saying: 'May your socks never get damp and your eyebrows stay exactly where you put them.'

Johnny:I have instituted an Employee of the Month program at the store. It's a wonderful way to boost morale and recognize excellence. And I'm proud to say that I won it.

Johnny:I celebrated alone in my office with a store-brand sparkling cider and a single cupcake I bought from the grocery section.

Johnny:I was just joking about the award. I didn't actually give it to myself.

David:Dad, that's somehow worse.

Stevie:You got me a car?

Johnny:It's not just any car. It's a Range Rover.

Stevie:Johnny, this is insane. I can't accept this.

Johnny:Nonsense. You deserve it. Besides, I got one too.

Johnny:Well? Aren't you going to thank me?

Stevie:Thank you, Johnny.

Johnny:You're welcome. I knew you'd love it.

Stevie:Mm-hmm.

David:You didn't say that.

Patrick:I didn't have to. Sometimes what you don't say says more than what you do.

David:That's insane. Words are literally designed to communicate.

Moira:The council meeting was absolutely glud. I've never seen such unasinous support for the new initiative, and frankly, the bombilating energy in that room was simply transcendent.

Roland:Well, I hate to break it to ya, but you can't just put a bunch of fancy sculptures in the middle of town. This isn't some big city. We got our mitts full just keeping the roads from turning into rivers every time it rains.

Moira:Well, I think we should abandon this whole singles idea. It's pedestrian. Instead, we should focus on a sophisticated demographic. You know, like the Scotch. They're infamously disorganized, which means they'll be grateful for any structure we provide.

Ronnie:You need to get these people out there! They're loose! They need to be loose! Let them be loose!

David:I understand the intention, but perhaps we could use a different word?

Ronnie:Loose! Loose! These people need to get LOOSE!

Alexis:Okay, so these are my business receipts. This one is for a domain name, very legitimate. This one is for a photoshoot with a professional photographer. And then... it just devolves into screenshots of inspirational quotes I found on Pinterest and paid someone to design into graphics.

David:So you're writing off motivational posters as a business expense?

Alexis:They're for the brand, David. My brand.

Alexis:Is there something off about my appearance?

Stevie:Yeah, your hair extensions are showing, your spray tan is uneven, and those false lashes are doing that thing where they're separating from your eyelid.

Alexis:My dad once gave David a timeshare. For a prison.

Stevie:A timeshare for a prison?

Alexis:And when we all told him how insane that was, he didn't apologize. He just gave David a book about prisons the next Christmas.

Stevie:So his solution to a bad gift was... more prison content?

Alexis:It's called doubling down, Stevie. It's a Rose family tradition.

David:I don't understand why you're all looking at me like that. I'm perfectly capable of playing basketball.

Alexis:David, you literally tripped over the ball before the game even started.

David:That was a strategic move to throw off the other team.

Moira:Darling, the only thing you threw off was your dignity when you fell into the bleachers.

David:I'm going back out there, and I'm going to show everyone what I'm made of.

Alexis:Okay, but maybe take off the cashmere first?

David:Absolutely not. This is who I—

Alexis:So David's Bar Mitzvah wish wasn't some spiritual thing or whatever?

David:I wanted a nose job.

Alexis:Oh my god, that's so sad. You were like thirteen and already thinking about your appearance?

David:Says the girl who got highlights in middle school.

Alexis:That's different. That's fashion. That's not... mutilating your face.

Alexis:David gave me a diamond bracelet for my birthday.

Stevie:That sounds nice.

Alexis:It was white gold. I only wear yellow gold.

David:I was helping an elderly woman cross the street.

David:Which, I realize, sounds like a lie because kindness and generosity are foreign experiences for me.

David:I was so upset, I could barely finish my Cristal. I could barely finish my Hermès scarf. I could barely finish my weekend home in the Hamptons.

David:Wait, so you're saying I need to apologize twice?

Patrick:No, David. One apology. One gift is sufficient.

David:But I already bought the second gift...

Patrick:Then return it.

David:I may have been slightly misleading about the chocolates. I didn't just finish them. I devoured them. Completely. I ate the entire box.

David:Patrick, wait. Before you go, I need you to pick up some things from the store.

David:And I'd prefer if you took the car that doesn't have the squeaky suspension.

David:Oh, and could you grab my dry cleaning? The place closes at six.

Stevie:I look like I'm ready to work the pole at a strip club.

Johnny:Well, you'd be very successful.

Johnny:Well, you know, Stevie, gift-giving is a delicate art. It requires thought, consideration, and an understanding of the recipient's needs and desires.

Stevie:Okay.

Johnny:Which is why I'm confused about this basketball court.

Stevie:That was one time.

Johnny:It was a very generous gift, but perhaps not as well thought out as you might have hoped.

Alexis:Wait, so it's like a speed dating thing?

Moira:Well, we prefer to call it 'rapid-engagement social networking for the romantically unattached.'

Alexis:Why can't you just say singles?

Moira:Because 'single' is a divisive term that suggests a lack of wholeness. We're all whole people, Alexis.

Alexis:You stole my sweater!

Moira:I didn't steal it, I merely engaged in some light kleptomania. It's not a crime, it's a condition.

Alexis:That literally is a crime.

Moira:Well, I find your accusation rather pellucid and frankly, beneath us.

Moira:Well, I carried the idea. I gestated it, I nurtured it, and I gave birth to it in front of a room full of people. That makes it my baby.

Moira:This is going to be just like Judy and Lorna!

Moira:Do you know who Judy Garland and Lorna Luft are?

Alexis:Um, no. Should I?

Moira:Alexis!

David:I'm going to go find an actual olive branch and just hand it to you silently.

Patrick:That's the most David thing I've ever heard.

David:I can't believe I just did that in front of everyone.

Alexis:Well, you did it in front of literally everyone, so...