The Jazzaguy

David:Oh my God, could you please turn off your phone? The constant buzzing is making me feel like I'm trapped in some sort of dystopian nightmare where technology has replaced human decency.

David:Is this a dating app called 'Bumpkin'?

Alexis:It's 'Bumpkiné.' I added an accent.

David:Alexis, what are you doing on a dating app?

Alexis:I'm not on a dating app, David. I'm just... helping Twyla navigate it. She's so clueless about these things.

David:That's your profile picture.

Alexis:Well, yes, because I need to show her what a good profile looks like. It's called being a good friend.

Alexis:His dating profile photo is him holding a puppy.

David:A puppy? Why would he use a photo with a puppy?

Alexis:I know, it's weird. But also, his nipple is showing.

David:Well, that's the real problem here.

David:So you're telling me you've dated everyone in this town?

Alexis:Not everyone, David. I have standards.

David:Your standards are a pulse and a credit card.

Alexis:This is completely different. Those other times I was just using people for money and status. But this time, I actually care about him.

Alexis:What do you want me to do? I can't help it if I'm attracted to someone. It's not like I have a choice. If a man is attractive, I have to be with him. That's just how it works.

Alexis:It's not 'The Gram', David. It's 'Instagram'.

David:Yes, I know that.

Alexis:Okay, because you literally just called it 'The Gram' three times.

David:What did he say?

Alexis:He said 'Sup?'

David:Okay.

Moira:Johnny's working constantly. I barely see him anymore. Do you know what I miss most? My afternoon massage appointments. He used to drive me to them.

Johnny:Well, Moira, I think if we're asking people to clean up after themselves, we should probably have cleaning supplies. And soap. And towels that don't smell like a wet dog.

Moira:Do you know what we spent forty-five minutes on at Jazzagals today? Vocal warm-ups. Forty-five minutes! We were doing lip trills like a deranged horse with a neurological disorder. My lips were vibrating so intensely, I thought I was having a small stroke.

Moira:And then we moved on to 'mum-mum-mum' sounds. Mum-mum-mum! I didn't pay for years of acting classes to stand in a church basement making baby noises like I'm at a Mommy and Me class.

Moira:The woman running it kept saying, 'Really feel it in your diaphragm, Moira.' Well, I'm feeling something, and it's rage.

Moira:Well, if you're canceling lunch, that's the third time this month. I've been keeping track. First there was Tuesday when you had that conference call, then Thursday when you claimed to have a migraine, and now today.

Johnny:Moira, I don't think you need to—

Moira:Oh, but I do. I have it all written down here. Canceled lunches, broken promises, instances of neglect. It's very organized. Color-coded, even. You're in the red, Johnny. Literally and figuratively.

David:I'm not depressed. I'm just... conserving energy. For things that matter.

David:Like... existing.

Stevie:Because you need to relax, and I need to sit in a hot tub and not talk to you for two hours.

Stevie:Look, I know it seems like I'm just being generous with the spa treatments, but the real reason is practical. I got a Groupon.

Stevie:But also, I genuinely care about you people.

David:I'm too depressed to do anything.

Stevie:What about a facial?

David:Oh, when do they have an opening?

Stevie:Wow, depression cured.

Alexis:I mean, what are my options here? It's not like there's a ton of eligible men in this town.

Alexis:Ray Butley is literally the most eligible bachelor in Schitt's Creek.

Moira:A jazzy gal, she's got that spark, she lights up like a lark, in the dark, with her heart, never apart from the art of the—

Jazzagals:JAZZ!

Johnny:I've freed up some time by delegating more responsibility.

Johnny:I asked Roland to handle the inventory at the store.

Roland:Yeah, and I'm doing a great job!

Johnny:We'll see.

Moira:Johnny, darling, why would you delegate such an important task to Roland? He's hardly the most competent man in town.

Jocelyn:Oh, I completely understand your concern, Moira. My own husband can barely tie his shoes without instructions.

Ronnie:Oh wow, the café. How romantic. Nothing says 'I love you' like a grilled cheese and a side of regret.

Moira:I've had a very robust romantic life. I've been swept off my feet more times than a broom at a Cinderella convention. I've worn white more often than a papal delegate, and I've said 'I do' so many times, the phrase has lost all meaning.

Moira:Johnny's always been humble. Selfless, really. He won't sing in the choir because he doesn't want to show up all the other singers with his golden pipes.

Johnny:I wouldn't want to impose, but if you really need me to sing, I suppose I could... no, no, actually I can't sing at all. I have no musical ability whatsoever.

Johnny:🎵 But if the moment called for it, I might just find my voice, and the stars would align, and— 🎵 No, see, this is exactly what I mean. I can't sing!

Ronnie:Holy shit, Johnny. You can sing.

Johnny:What? No, I was just—

Ronnie:Don't be modest. That was incredible. You have a real gift.

Ronnie:Look, I don't know what kind of music you're into, but if you're thinking you're gonna come in here and start playing some soft-rock, yacht-club nonsense, you can forget about it. I'm talking real music. I'm talking Guns N' Roses, AC/DC, maybe some Def Leppard if we're feeling fancy. You got that?

David:Oh, so Jake's out there living his best life, is he? Sleeping around like it's a full-time job, while some of us are actually trying to maintain standards and basic hygiene in our romantic endeavors.

David:So what you're saying is... he's your soulmate.

David:So what's going on with you and Jake?

Stevie:We're just... we're keeping things casual. He comes over, we hang out, we do some stuff, and then he leaves.

David:What kind of stuff?

Stevie:You know... stuff. Physical stuff. We're physical. It's very physical.

David:Well, I have a lot of unresolved issues with my parents, and I think I use romantic relationships as a way to avoid dealing with my own emotional unavailability, which is rooted in my fear of abandonment.

Stevie:David, we need you for this honeymoon scam.

David:Absolutely not. I'm not doing it.

Stevie:But you get a free trip to Mexico.

David:When do we leave?

Alexis:So, Miguel, do you come here often?

Miguel:I work here.

Alexis:Right, of course. Well, I'd love to... come here often too.

Alexis:I mean, not in a weird way. Just like, as a customer. To buy things. With my mouth.

Miguel:You know, it's funny because... nipples are... they're just there, you know?

Alexis:Oh my God, why would you say that? Why would you keep talking about nipples?

Miguel:I'm just trying to normalize the conversation!

Alexis:Well, you're doing the opposite of that. You're denormalizing it. You're making it weird.

Alexis:Do you have any champagne?

Miguel:We have sparkling cider. It's très fancy.

Alexis:The irony of someone who dated all the Hanson brothers talking about careful choices

Waitress:Oh my God, you two are just glowing! How long have you been married?

David:Thank you. We just got married yesterday.

Waitress:Oh, that's so romantic! You must be so in love. I can just feel it between you two.

Stevie:Yes, we're very much in love.

Waitress:This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Let me get you our best champagne on the house!

Stevie:David, you're going to look ridiculous in a honeymoon hat no matter what. At least this way, you'll look ridiculous on purpose, which is somehow less embarrassing than looking ridiculous by accident.

David:Oh, that's nice. Patrick sent us a message.

Stevie:Of course he did.

David:It says, 'Thinking of you both on your special day. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness together.'

Stevie:That's very sweet.

David:He also says he misses me and can't wait until I get back.

Waitress:And these are our lovebird wings.

Customer:What kind of bird?

Waitress:Chicken.

Alexis:Oh, well, I was dating this guy in Monaco, and he was really into competitive sailing. So I learned how to sail. Then he dumped me for his sailing instructor, which was humiliating. But then I dated the sailing instructor, and he taught me everything he knew. Then *he* dumped me for a Prince, which, you know, you can't really compete with that. But the Prince had a yacht, so I spent three summers on the Mediterranean, and I basically became a professional sailor by default.

Miguel:I'm nervous about this.

Miguel:Wait, why did I just say that out loud?

Alexis:I know, right? I don't know what I was worried about.

Alexis:Actually, um, there is something I need to tell you.

Alexis:We're not really together, we're just... seeing each other.

Alexis:Well, not seeing each other, we're more like... in contact.

Alexis:Okay, we text. Sporadically.

Alexis:He texts. I sometimes read them.

Miguel:Look, I'll be honest with you. When I found out Alexis and Ted had a history, part of me wanted to use that against him in court. But then I realized that would make me a terrible person. So instead, I'm just going to be a mediocre lawyer and let the facts speak for themselves.

Alexis:Well, I was going to dump you anyway, so joke's on you.

Jocelyn:Oh Johnny, welcome to the choir! We're so excited to have you. You know what they say — many hands make light work, and many voices make... light... singing?

Moira:The choir is my life now. It's the only thing that fills the void. A void so vast and so deep that if you dropped a stone into it, you would never hear it land. A void that echoes with the sound of my own heartbeat, the only companion in the darkness of my existence.

Moira:My pleasures are few and simple: a good bottle of wine, a well-crafted cocktail, and watching my husband struggle with basic technology.

Moira:And of course, the occasional dinner party where I can pretend to be interested in other people's problems while mentally redecorating their homes.

Moira:Well, I suppose I should take my leave. Ronnie's scatological observations have become rather... indelicate.

David:Because I have spent the last fifteen years constructing an incredibly elaborate defense mechanism, and the moment that I let someone in, I panic, and I sabotage it.

David:So, no, I didn't discuss my dating history because I was too busy trying to convince myself that I didn't care about him in the first place.

David:I love you more than I've ever loved anyone.

Stevie:How would you know?

David:Well, I... that's fair.

Stevie:I've never had a best friend either.

David:Really?

Stevie:Yeah. I think we're both just too difficult.

David:Well, that's depressing.

Patrick:It really is.

David:I suppose we could be each other's best friends.

Patrick:I'd like that.

David:Well, don't get too excited. We're both extremely closed off and emotionally unavailable.

Stevie:That's sad.

David:Well, what's sadder is that I ate it alone in my car.

Alexis:Uh-uh, that's not what that means.

Moira:Oh, here's a promising one. 'Looking for someone who's DTF.'

Alexis:Mom, that means 'down to f—'

Moira:Down to... Foxtrot? Is that a dance thing? Because I was actually quite good at the Foxtrot.

Alexis:It's not a dance, Mom.

Moira:Well, that's disappointing. I was already picturing myself in a sequined gown.

Moira:Oh my God, what is this? Polygamy? I'm not interested in sharing my husband with multiple wives. That's not how I was raised.

Alexis:Mom, that's not what it means.

Moira:Well, whatever it is, I'm swiping left. Oh no... oh no, no, no. Did I just swipe right on someone?

Moira:Well, Ray, these photos are certainly... something. But I have to say, I'm far more interested in that vanity lighting in the background. Is that brushed nickel? The way it frames your face is almost secondary to how it illuminates what appears to be a very well-appointed powder room.