The Jazzaguy

Um, Alexis, do you mind telling your phone to fuck off?

What's bumpkin? / It's an online social hub for rural singles

Research. I was testing the water for her, David. Poor thing's clueless.

Why is he shirtless with an armful of puppies? / His nipples are out.

I remember that summer you dated all 3 Hanson brothers.

I no longer need backstage passes to the Teen Choice Awards.

He's the only attractive person on here, David, what did you want me to do?

It's Bumpkin with a wink emoji.

What did he say? - Sup? - Okay.

It's starting to remind me of Rose Video, when your work consumed you, and I would miss you so. Except now I don't have the jet and the free DVD's to distract me.

It's basically the only service we provide.

Yap, yap, yap, do, re, mi. A lip buzzing 'til I'm blue in the face!

this will mark the 3rd time you stood me up this week, John.

I know, I'm scaring even me.

Because you're having boyfriend issues, and this is my reluctant attempt at being supportive.

I also have a Groupon, which I was planning on using with Jake, but I thought you might need it more

You're a monster.

It's just that there are like ten guys on here, and three of them are Ray.

♪ Fat spatula ♪

so I delegated the rest of the cleaning to Roland.

Sweet gesture, but was that wise? / No offense, Jocelyn. / I was gonna ask him the same thing.

If that doesn't scream romance.

There was a time when this dusky charmer used to constantly whisk me off to ports unknown.

Oh, my husband, the portrait of self-effacement.

♪ impo-o-o-ose ♪

Somebody just nailed their audition.

I've got perfect pitch, so do not mess this up for me.

Mhmm. So, Jake and his little pony are goin' on dates and having sexy honeymoon weekends?

So you're in love then. You're like falling in love with Jake.

He's just... really good at celebrating my body.

Um, it's just like a lot of emotional triggers.

Okay I'm not playing into your fraudulent behaviour. / You still want the free booze, right? / Gimme the ring.

I didn't recognize you without your nipples. / The puppies... the um, the cute little puppies that you love to photograph yourself with.

Brought the nipples. / Not about the nipples, um, about the puppies.

I believe it's called Zhampagne, it's from the very famous Zhampagne region of France.

I just like making careful choices. / Yes. To that.

We just love honeymooners here at Crystal Elms.

I just worry that if we don't put the hats on, that the other guests will inevitably force us to.

This is from a Patrick. Says, 'have fun, enjoy the night. Thinking about you.'

They are chicken, not actual lovebirds.

you learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom.

I changed my shirt 3 times for tonight and uh, I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't be giving that all away.

No, yeah, I know it wasn't that. Um, you're gonna think this is so random, but it was actually about something else.

Executive Assistant. And yes, but only for like a minute. But you guys were engaged? Um, very briefly. And just twice.

Okay look, there is nobody who wants to see Ted fail more than I do, professionally speaking. Personally, I feel like this is off limits.

Okay, just to be clear, I couldn't do this first.

I know that we are the Jazzagals, but it was pretty great to have a Jazza-guy in our midst today.

these rehearsals have become a tiny oasis in the echo-y canyon that I now call my social life.

My nightly sleeps, afternoon naps, and of course meals with my husband.

There are only so many ways I can feign amusement at Ronnie's comedia Del commode.

I guess I just thought the deeper we got into his past, the deeper we'd have to get into mine. And, historically speaking, the more I revealed of myself, the less interested people got.

I think you're my best friend. / You think? / Well, I can't know for sure, because I'm realizing now that I don't think I've ever really had one.

Okay, well, if we're being honest, I don't think I've ever had one, either.

This would be a really sweet moment, if what we had just admitted to each other wasn't so sad.

When you were in the bathroom, I finished the rest of the lover's curry.

Uh-uh, that's not what that means.

Looking for a hook-up. / Well, that sounds promising, Alexis, he's open for hooking up for dinner, or drinks. / Uh-uh, that's not what that means.

Oh my wives. / All right, which way do you swipe to get rid of this one? / you've just Bumpkined with Jebediah.

How did Ray get such a beautiful bathroom?