The Barbecue

Ew. What are you all doing here?

Judging from the looks on your faces, I don't want it.

Why would Patrick do that? / That was my first thought.

Four whole months, David. / How 'bout that?

I had a... very intimate connection with Tony, for several years. / She was your pen pal, David. / She was in a penitentiary, dear.

Okay, first of all, no one's sharing the cookie.

which is why I would rather not subject him to eating charred meat with this group of carnies.

Carnies are people too.

Perhaps it's this nay-saying reticence that caused your past relationships to... Fall apart. / ... oxidize. / Oxidize.

Oh yeah, it's soft.

First of all, a cookie is always a big deal, especially when that cookie just alerted my entire family to the fact that this is officially the longest relationship I've ever had.

If we throw a... if we throw a renaissance fair every month, I just feel like we might be tempting fate.

The last time I heard that, I was dating a birthday clown who painted my face in the night, and was literally never seen from again.

Okay, first of all, let it be known that supporting Julia Stiles is never going overboard.

He was never found. / Probably dead.

So David's at work and you had nobody else to talk to? / What? / That's...

It's a tactic, Stevie. You send someone a random text message to get their attention, and then the next thing you know, you're talking again.

This is why I choose not to be in a relationship.

I used to text Zac Efron just like a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. Poor thing would be like buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.

You're like super smart, and pretty in like a... breezy, non-threatening sort of way.

No, I'm sorry, I just had an image of you cooking.

Do you know that I've been given three different aprons because of my barbecue skills? Let's see, I've got License to Grill, I've got Working Grill, oh and I have Grills Just Wanna Have Fun.

I've got the perfect apron for ya, Poor Little Rich Grill. / I'll get it made up.

When you said that you were coming back, you just meant that you weren't coming back, and that I would have to spend the afternoon searching for you on the train tracks, and among various unmarked vans.

No, but there was a moment when I thought about doing it.

I must've been... Dracula, or a spin instructor.

I must've been... Dracula, or a spin instructor.

Well, hopefully not all that I am, I mean that would be...

Well, hopefully not all that I am, I mean that would be...

No, I draw the line at sing-along.

I'm also glad I did. It's good to see you. It's also good to see you.

Hello dummy, why do you think I'm here?

Where are we, Barcelona?

Cut to, I've ruined my sliders! / Cut to, how does this thing work?

Okay, just so you know, that's not really a compliment, but thank you.

I assumed that, based on your face, and... body.

No, John, no, we're not doing Pat.

Okay, please never say titillating when referring to my relationship. / Oh, can I though? / No.

Uh, I'm sorry you have a fiancée?

I glanced down at my plate for two seconds.

That is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard anyone say. Um... outside of the 'Downton Christmas Special'.

More than one, um, and some potato salad, and I think there were some other sides on the table, but I couldn't see, so maybe just a smattering of everything.

Well, I don't know, he had 6 sliders. I'm assuming he'll be falling asleep soon.

but at the same time, he's been watching that show for 3 hours and my phone's in there.