The Barbecue

David:Oh no.

David:I can already tell by the look on your faces that whatever this surprise is, I'm not going to like it, and I would prefer if we could all just skip ahead to the part where I'm deeply disappointed.

David:What is this?

Moira:Oh, it's hideous.

David:It's really not good, Patrick.

Moira:Where did you even find this?

Johnny:We're so proud of you, David. You're in a committed relationship.

Moira:Yes, and you're being so responsible about it. We honestly didn't think you had it in you.

Johnny:It's like watching a child take their first steps. Except you're a grown man.

Moira:We've lowered the bar so considerably for you, sweetheart.

David:I've been in a committed relationship for two years.

Alexis:With who?

David:Her name is Crystal. She's... we correspond regularly.

Moira:David, is she incarcerated?

David:That's not the point.

David:This is my cookie. Everyone back away from my cookie.

David:Patrick, you cannot come to this barbecue. My family will be there, and they are absolute carnies.

Johnny:Well, I think you're being very unfair to carnies. They're hard-working people who travel from town to town, setting up rides, games of chance. They have a code, David. A code!

Moira:Relationships fall apart.

Johnny:Oxidize.

Moira:Oxidize.

David:This cookie is incredibly dry.

David:It's not about the cookie, Patrick. It's never about the cookie. When you dismiss something that I've made, you're dismissing me. You're saying that what I do, what I create, what I care about—it doesn't matter to you.

David:And that terrifies me because I've spent my whole life being dismissed, and I finally found someone who I thought understood that about me, and now you're doing the same thing.

David:I don't understand why we need to celebrate our anniversary every month. That's excessive.

Patrick:It's romantic.

David:It's a renaissance fair. Every month we're doing a renaissance fair.

Patrick:You need to learn to trust people, David.

David:I trusted someone once. He said he was a podiatrist. Turns out he was a foot enthusiast with a collection.

David:Too much? There's no such thing as too much Julia Stiles. She's a consummate professional with range and depth. Have you seen her in the Bourne films? The woman is captivating.

Patrick:So the clown just... left?

David:Well, he's dead now.

Alexis:Okay, so I need to talk to you about something, and I know you're probably not the first person I would normally go to for this, but...

Stevie:Thanks.

Alexis:No, I didn't mean it like that! I just meant that you're not really a 'girl talk' kind of person, you know?

Stevie:So what you're saying is, I'm your last resort.

Alexis:What? No! I just... oh my God, that sounds so bad.

Alexis:Well, he obviously did it on purpose. I mean, it's basic manipulation. You text someone something mean, and then you immediately follow it up with something nice so they don't know how to feel. It's like, manipulation 101.

Alexis:So you have to play it cool, but not too cool. You need to text back, but not immediately. And you have to like their Instagram posts, but only the ones from like, three weeks ago, so it doesn't seem like you're stalking them.

Stevie:Or you could just not date anyone.

Alexis:I had Zac Efron on call for sex.

Alexis:Oh my God, you look so good. Like, I'm actually genuinely impressed. You know, for you.

Moira:I can't even imagine you cooking. The last time you were in the kitchen, you thought the convection oven was a piece of modern art.

Roland:I'm telling you, I'm a grill master. Look at these aprons I've collected over the years.

Roland:This one says 'Grill, Baby, Grill.' This one says 'I'm on Fire.' And this one says 'Let's Meat.'

Roland:I got you something. It's a apron. It says 'I'm on a roll' with a picture of a hotdog on it.

Johnny:Roland, that's... that's very thoughtful, but I'm not sure an apron is going to solve my problems with the grill.

Roland:Well, the thing is, Johnny, it's not about the grill. It's about the man behind the grill. And right now, that man needs to know he's on a roll.

David:Where were you? I've been worried sick. Were you kidnapped? Did you get lost? Were you trapped in a well? Did you join a cult? Are you in witness protection?

Patrick:David, I was just stuck in traffic.

David:Oh. Well, that's a relief. I was about to check the black market.

Patrick:Did you actually search for me?

David:I considered it. Mostly the dramatic rescue part.

David:What did I do in a past life to deserve this? Was I a vampire?

Patrick:A vampire?

David:Yes. Or a fitness instructor.

David:What did I do in a past life to deserve this? Was I a vampire? A fitness instructor?

David:Well, that's horrifying.

David:Wait, he sees me? Like, all of me?

David:Oh my God.

David:Patrick, I need to be very clear about something. A barbecue is for eating meat and vegetables that have been cooked over an open flame. It is not a venue for musical performances. If I see you with that guitar, I will throw it into the pool.

Alexis:Oh my God, hi! How are you?

Ted:I'm good, I'm good. How are you?

Alexis:I'm great, I'm great. It's so good to see you.

Ted:Yeah, so good to see you too.

Alexis:How have you been?

Ted:You know, can't complain. How about you?

Alexis:Oh, same, same. Really good.

Ted:Why didn't you just text me?

Alexis:Well, I was going to, but then I thought about how you always respond better to things when I show up in person, and I remembered that time I 'accidentally' texted you that thing, and you came running over, so I figured I'd just come by instead.

Ted:Wait, that was on purpose?

Alexis:Obviously.

Johnny:I'd like to eat at 8 o'clock.

Roland:8 o'clock? That's dinner time.

Johnny:Yes, that's when I want to eat dinner.

Roland:At night?

Johnny:Oh God, oh God. Where's the... how does this... David! David, get out here!

Johnny:This is a wide shot of a man losing his mind over a barbecue. Very cinematic. Very Bergman.

Johnny:The lighting is all wrong. Why is everything on fire? This is not the three-point lighting we discussed!

Johnny:I need a close-up on the panic. Get in tight. The audience needs to see the fear in my eyes.

Moira:David, you accomplished that all by yourself.

David:Thank you, Mother.

Moira:Yes, well, it's quite impressive for someone of your... limitations.

David:I'm not sure that's the compliment you think it is.

Alexis:Well, yeah, but you're also like, aggressively average-looking.

Johnny:Pat, come here.

David:Please don't call me that.

Johnny:What? Pat? Your name is Patrick.

David:Yes, but I go by David. Patrick is my father's name, and I have no desire to be called Pat. It's not happening.

Moira:Your relationship with Patrick is absolutely titillating.

David:Please stop saying that word.

Moira:What? Titillating? I find it to be a perfectly cromulent descriptor. Titillating, titillating, titillating.

David:Mom, you're doing it on purpose now.

Moira:I'm simply enjoying the word. It has a delightful mouth feel.

David:Wait, you were engaged?

David:I'm sorry, what? How did we go from discussing the wine list to this?

David:This is insane. Moments ago we were talking about the 2015 Bordeaux.

David:And now you're telling me... this? How is that even possible?

Patrick:David, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

David:That's very sweet, but have you seen Downton Abbey? Because that's really the gold standard.

David:No, I'm fine. Actually, you know what? I'm not fine. I would like a half-caf oat milk latte with a shot of vanilla, but not the vanilla syrup, actual vanilla, and can you make sure the milk is steamed to exactly 150 degrees? And I'll have a everything bagel, but I'd like the everything seasoning removed and replaced with just sea salt. Oh, and some egg whites, but they need to be from free-range, non-GMO chickens, and they should be scrambled, but not too much. Just until they're barely set.

Alexis:Well, he's on his second plate of food, so I'd give it another 20 minutes.

Alexis:David, are you okay? You've been in here all day.

David:I'm fine, Alexis. Just watching TV.

Alexis:Well, my phone is almost dead and I need to charge it in here. Can you unplug whatever you're using?

David:I'm not using anything.

Alexis:Okay, but I really need an outlet, so...