Jazzagals

David:Do you know what moths do to cashmere? They don't just eat it, they mock it while they're eating it.

Johnny:Well, that's the price you pay for having nice things.

Moira:I had breakfast with Alexis yesterday.

David:Mom, that was me.

Moira:No, it was Alexis.

David:Mom, I was there. It was me. You had breakfast with me.

Moira:Well, you were dressed so similarly.

Moira:David, I had the most wonderful conversation with you earlier about the nutritional benefits of activated charcoal.

David:Mother, I would never discuss activated charcoal with you. That sounds like something Alexis would do.

Moira:Well, you were very passionate about it. You said it was 'life-changing' and 'better than therapy.'

David:I would never say that.

Moira:And then we moved on to discussing the proper way to contour one's décolletage, and you had very strong opinions about highlight placement.

David:Okay, that was definitely Alexis.

Moira:But then you pivoted to cryptocurrency and explained blockchain technology using only hand gestures for twenty minutes.

David:Mother, no one has ever done that.

Moira:You seemed quite confident about it, darling.

Johnny:I don't work here.

Customer:Then why are you standing behind the counter?

Johnny:Well, I'm not exactly employed in the traditional sense. I'm more of a... consultant. A lifestyle consultant, if you will.

Johnny:I advise people on matters of taste, aesthetics, and general refinement. Though technically, I'm not being paid at the moment.

Johnny:But I do have a business card. Several, actually. From my previous ventures. I just haven't updated them yet.

Johnny:So while I'm between opportunities, I'm essentially exploring my passions and honing my craft in the retail sector. Part-time.

Bob:I went to that new bakery and got a muffin.

Johnny:A muffler? Finally! I've been trying to get someone to look at that noise for weeks.

Bob:No, a muffin. The baked good.

Johnny:Oh. Well, I didn't help with that either.

Bob:I'd be happy to talk to your clients.

Johnny:Please don't.

Bob:You know, Johnny, in retail, the customer is always right. But in your case, I think they're just always... confused.

Bob:You don't have any clients.

Johnny:Well, I'm in a recalibration phase. I'm doing some deep-dive strategic planning, synergizing my core competencies, and leveraging my bandwidth to optimize my value proposition in a very competitive marketplace.

Bob:You know what, Johnny? I've been thinking about implementing a strategic initiative regarding your car's muffler situation.

Bob:I'm going to circle back with some solutions, touch base with a mechanic, and hopefully we can pivot on getting that fixed.

Stevie:What kind of wood is this?

David:It's a very specific blend of oak and cedar with top notes of bergamot and a hint of... is that nutmeg?

Stevie:So what does it smell like?

David:It's not about what it smells like. It's about what it makes you feel like.

Stevie:Okay, so what does it make you feel like?

David:I don't know, like... expensive.

David:The moths have gotten into the cashmere. It's like a casino buffet for them — they're just gorging themselves on my collection.

Stevie:You're going to build that yourself?

David:Yes.

Stevie:You?

David:I've seen it done. It's just nailing planks together.

Stevie:Right. Just nailing planks together.

Stevie:May the Force be with you.

David:Thank you. That's very sweet.

Moira:I don't want to be included.

Moira:I'm perfectly fine being left out. Truly. Don't mind me.

Moira:It's not like I care that nobody thought to ask. I wouldn't want to go anyway.

Moira:Oh, New York. How thrilling. Let me guess—you'll be taking pictures in front of that large green lady, eating a hot dog from a street vendor, and catching a show on Broadway where you'll weep openly like it's the first time you've experienced culture.

Moira:I suppose you and Twyla had some sort of... community theater experience while you were in New York? Some Off-Off-Broadway workshop?

Twyla:Actually, we performed in Central Park.

Moira:I... what? Central Park? You mean... the actual Central Park? In Manhattan?

Twyla:Yes.

Moira:But... that's... how did you... I don't... well, I...

Moira:I've had an extensive musical theatre background, you know. I've worked with the greatest composers. Andy Webber, of course.

Moira:I had a very successful recording career. I was on an album that went gold.

David:Really?

Moira:Yes, I was part of an ensemble on one track.

Moira:It was 'We Are the World.'

Moira:Well, tell her that I'm holding court at the café tomorrow at noon. She can stop by if she'd like to pay her respects.

Moira:I'll need a moment to block out the menu.

Moira:I find it helps if I approach each section as a different character.

Moira:The appetizers are my ingénue phase, the entrées are my Shakespearean period, and the desserts... well, that's my one-woman show.

David:I'm using myself as a measuring system. It's actually quite efficient.

Mutt:You're literally just lying on top of the sweaters.

David:Yes, and I'm getting very accurate measurements.

Mutt:What are you measuring?

David:The moth damage. It's a tragic story, really. These beautiful creatures have infiltrated my home and destroyed everything I hold dear.

Mutt:It's just a couple of holes in your sweater.

David:A couple of holes? Mutt, this is a catastrophe of biblical proportions.

Mutt:So, how's the chest coming along?

David:*gestures to show zero progress*

Moira:Well, I am available. I am ALWAYS available. My calendar is a vast, empty expanse of availability. I have cleared my schedule of all obligations, commitments, and social engagements in preparation for opportunities that may or may not materialize. I am a vessel of readiness.

Moira:An audition? Darling, I don't audition. I am auditioned.

Moira:Annie? That's a children's musical about an orphan. I was in a production of Cats where I played the Rum Tum Tugger's understudy. We're not in the same stratosphere.

Stevie:You know what? From now on, I'm calling you 'The Lumberjack.'

David:Why would you call me that?

Stevie:Because you're always chopping wood and being all rugged and outdoorsy.

David:I have never chopped wood in my life. I don't even know what that means.

Stevie:So Mutt is teaching David carpentry. That's like asking a fish to teach a bicycle how to swim.

Stevie:We have a specialized toolbox option. It's got all the tools you need for specific tasks.

David:A specialized toolbox? What kind of tools are we talking about?

Stevie:Oh, you know. Specialized ones.

David:I'll take it.

Stevie:It's a cedar chest toolbox. It's handcrafted, it's vintage, it's got a felt lining, and it smells like my grandmother's closet, which is to say it smells like disappointment and old money.

David:Wait, are you joking?

Stevie:Maybe.

David:Okay, but where exactly would this be happening?

Moira:I shall perform for you all. Perhaps we could call it 'An Evening With Moira.'

Moira:Or better yet, 'Moira Rose: A Retrospective.'

Moira:Actually, I'm thinking 'The Moira Rose Experience: A Journey Through Time and Space.'

Moira:No, no—'Moira Rose: Unearthed Treasures From A Life Well-Lived in the Arts.'

Moira:Oh, please, take your time. I have nothing but time. And frankly, you clearly need it.

Bob:Keeping busy or hardly working?

Johnny:Well, the expression is 'working hard or hardly working,' so unless you're suggesting that I'm either keeping busy or not employed, I'm not sure what you're asking.

Johnny:Bob, I've been doing your job for the last three hours.

Bob:Oh! Well, thank you, Johnny. I really appreciate that.

Johnny:No, no, no. That's not— I was complaining, Bob. I was complaining.

Johnny:My sales technique is to always speak with confidence and authority. When I was selling musical instruments, I'd tell clients about our finest violin.

Johnny:And when they'd ask about the bow, I'd say, 'Well, that comes with the bow fiddle.'

Johnny:It's like riding a bike, Bob. You never forget.

Bob:Well, in this case, they're going to be riding a bike because you sold them your car.

Johnny:So, Mr. Turmeau, welcome to the store.

Bob:It's Turbot. It's pronounced Turbot.

Johnny:It's pronounced 'Schitt's Creek.' Schitt's. Not 'Shit's.' Not 'Skeet's.' Schitt's.

Johnny:How is this so difficult? It's a simple German name.

David:Dad, no one cares how it's pronounced.

Johnny:I care! I care very much. It's our name now, and I would appreciate it if people would show it some respect.

Mutt:I mean, you were really struggling with it, so I figured I'd just lend a hand.

David:Well, I wasn't struggling. I was... I was exploring unconventional methods of chest restoration.

David:It's called artisanal problem-solving.

David:Oh my God, if this is about your feelings for me, I'm going to stop you right there. I'm flattered, truly, but I'm not interested in men who wear shirts that smell like a wet dog and a Home Depot.

Mutt:What? No, I was just going to tell you that your septic tank is backed up.

David:Oh. Well, that's humiliating for entirely different reasons.

David:She's like a UTI. You think it's gone, and then suddenly you're right back at the doctor's office.

Mutt:Wait, you're just telling me this because you want me to stay?

David:Yes. Absolutely. One hundred percent.

Jocelyn:You can audition right now if you'd like.

Moira:Right now? Oh, well I would love to, but I'm actually coming down with something. I can feel it. It's like a flutter in my chest and a slight tickle in my throat. I think it might be... yes, I'm quite certain it's the vapors.

Moira:I don't think I can do this. I'm not prepared.

Jazzagals:Moira! Moira! Moira!

Moira:Stop it! This is psychological warfare. This is cruelty!

Moira:I can't say no. I just can't do it.

David:You literally just said no to me five minutes ago.

Moira:That was different.

Moira:Thank you all for being here. I'm going to perform a piece that really speaks to my soul.

Moira:It's a contemporary interpretation of a woman discovering her inner power through the ancient art of interpretive dance and spoken word.

Moira:*begins gyrating wildly while making guttural sounds* I AM THE PHOENIX RISING FROM THE ASHES OF MEDIOCRITY!

Moira:My chakras are ALIGNED! My aura is BLINDING! I smell of EXOTIC SPICES and BROKEN DREAMS!

Moira:*strikes an aggressive pose while humming operatically* This is my TRUTH! This is my POWER!

Jocelyn:Well, that was... something.

Alexis:I asked for space. I need to focus on myself right now.

David:That's not what Mutt said.

Alexis:Well, David, Mutt doesn't know what he wants.

Alexis:And he was so understanding about it. I mean, I was really worried about how he was going to take it, but he just... he took it so well.

Mutt:It was my idea.

Alexis:I know, but like, the way that he accepted my decision to suggest his idea? Really mature.

Alexis:David, did you actually build this?

David:Yes, I did.

Alexis:You?

David:Well, Mutt helped, but I was very involved in the creative process.

Alexis:So Mutt built it.

David:We built it together. I was here the entire time.

David · Mutt:Mutt asks if David is just saying that to keep Alexis away; David immediately admits yes

David:'She'd lose her fucking mind' — David on Alexis hearing the truth

Moira:Moira's audition performance — the garbled, improvisational scatting mid-song: 'It's-I-a wah!' and 'dah dah heed a woman's tears' and 'woo doo'

Moira:Moira suddenly decides she has 'a little bug' and wants to reschedule — moments after the Jazzagals say she's up

Moira:'That's the end.' — Moira's flat announcement after the audition

Jocelyn:Jocelyn's reaction: 'Oh, that was... different.'

Moira:Moira: 'Thank you. Well, thank you, I'll leave you to discuss.' — exiting with full professional poise

Alexis · David:Alexis returns to the motel claiming she told Mutt she needed space — David knows this is a reversal of the truth

David:David: 'That's excellent. Yep.' — accepting Alexis's fiction with barely concealed relief

Alexis · David:Alexis compliments the cedar chest — 'That's a cute little wood thing, David' — and David accepts the compliment: 'Thank you, I made it'

Moira · Johnny:Moira's post-audition debrief: 'There were definitely lots of surprised looks'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'They must've enjoyed it if they asked you to join' — his well-meaning but wrong assumption

Moira · Johnny:Moira breaks into singing in the bedroom, and Johnny attempts to gently interrupt her twice without success