Happy Ending

David:What? What happened? Is Patrick dead?

Moira:No, he's fine. I just wanted to tell you something.

David:Well, you can't just wake someone up like that. You could kill them.

Moira:I'm feeling rather pellucid today.

David:Okay, so you're transparent.

Moira:Well, Bob's Garage is located in a low-lying basin, which means it experiences its own microclimate. During the spring equinox, there's a convergence of warm and cold fronts that creates a perpetual mist. It's essentially a swamp.

David:It's a parking lot.

Moira:A swamp, David.

David:It's like The Handmaid's Tale, except everyone's fertile and no one's being punished.

David:You're a wedding officiant arriving in a hot air balloon?

Moira:Well, I'm also a haikuist, David.

Johnny:David, I would be honored to officiate your wedding.

David:Absolutely not.

Johnny:I've officiated seventeen weddings. Seventeen! And do you know how many of those couples are still together? Well, I don't know the exact number, but I'm quite certain it's more than zero. Plus, I once correctly identified a Wheel of Fortune puzzle at a celebrity wedding before the bride and groom did. It was 'LOVE IS IN THE AIR.' I solved it in my head. So clearly, I have a gift for this sort of thing.

Alexis:Well, we have money now, so we can just buy a new wedding.

David:I can't do this anymore! I just— I can't!

Patrick:It's okay, it's okay.

Alexis:Yeah, babe, you're fine.

David:No, you don't understand. I need to leave. Right now.

Patrick:Okay.

Alexis:Yeah, go ahead.

David:Look, I never said an indoor wedding was a bad idea. I said that outdoor weddings were better for the aesthetic, which they are. But that doesn't mean indoor weddings are bad. They're just... different. And different isn't worse, it's just different.

Patrick:So you're saying...

David:I'm saying that if we had done it indoors, we would have had an indoor wedding, which would have been fine. But we did it outdoors, and it was also fine. So really, both scenarios were equally fine, which means I was right either way.

Patrick:That's not how being right works.

David:Well, it is now.

David:The carpet is a sort of... burnt sienna, which photographs terribly. And in the context of these photos, it's going to read as just a sort of... depressing rust.

Patrick:Well, I know you. By next Tuesday, you're going to be wound so tight that you'll need a deep tissue massage just to remember what relaxation feels like.

David:That's fair.

David:How did you even manage to pull this together on such short notice?

Patrick:Well, I didn't. I planned this weeks ago. I know you, David. I knew you'd have a breakdown eventually, so I just... prepared for it.

Patrick:You've eaten five bagels in the last two days.

David:I didn't intend to.

Patrick:You didn't intend to eat five bagels?

David:No.

Johnny:You know, I've been working on some material for the wedding. I thought I'd incorporate some Wheel of Fortune references.

Johnny:But let's be honest, if Vanna White wouldn't laugh at it, then nobody's going to laugh at it.

Johnny:Well, I guess that didn't land. You know, I've bombed in front of tougher crowds than this. I once told a joke to Vanna White and she didn't even turn a letter.

Alexis:I'm actually really upset about this.

Moira:Well, look at you getting in touch with your feelings. How very Oprah of you.

Alexis:I'm actually really happy here. I love this town, I love the people, and I love our life.

Moira:Well, that's just Stockholm Syndrome, darling.

Alexis:No, it's not.

Moira:Mmm, yes it is. We were taken hostage by circumstance, and now we're identifying with our captors. It's a very common response to prolonged trauma.

Alexis:You know what? I love you, Mom.

Moira:Oh, darling...

Alexis:Boop.

Moira:Did you just... boop my nose?

David:So you're saying it's just muscle tension?

Masseur:Yes, that's what I'm saying.

David:You seemed very quick to dismiss that theory.

Masseur:Because it's correct.

David:Yes, but you didn't even consider my alternative hypothesis.

Ronnie:I know the florist. I can get you extra flowers. We go way back.

Johnny:Oh. Oh!

Johnny:David will take one look at that place and say 'I'm not getting married in a building that smells like a wet dog that's been dead for three weeks.'

David:I went for a massage last week. It was wonderful. The masseuse asked if I wanted the happy ending.

Patrick:David, that's—

David:I said yes, obviously. And you know what? She brought me a cookie.

Patrick:A cookie.

David:Yes. It was a very happy ending.

David:I have a mood board.

Patrick:Of course you do.

Patrick:Wait, what? No, no, no. You didn't... tell me you didn't actually...

David:Patrick, it's not what you think—

Patrick:Oh my God. OH MY GOD. I can't believe you would do this to me. To us. I thought we had something special here!

Patrick:Are you seriously trying to tell me you didn't know?

David:Know what? Patrick, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Patrick:You're going to stand there and lie to my face?

David:I'm not lying. I genuinely don't know what you mean. Can you please just tell me what this is about?

Patrick:Wait, so you were getting a massage?

David:Yes, Patrick. A therapeutic massage. For my back.

Patrick:And Ray was there?

Ray:I was documenting it for the business Instagram.

David:Ray, why would you—

Ray:I got some great shots of the oils, the ambiance...

Patrick:So what's the problem?

Ray:Well, I may have accidentally focused on David's face the entire time instead of the therapeutic aspects.

David:Ray, you filmed me looking like I was in pain for forty-five minutes.

Ray:It was very dramatic. I thought it was working.

Patrick:I arranged for the caterer to come early, set up in the back, and then slip out discreetly once everything was ready.

David:Patrick, that's... that's not what that sounds like.

Patrick:What? I just wanted everything to be perfect and out of sight.

David:Yes, I understand what you *meant*, but telling someone to 'slip out discreetly through the back' is a very different sentence.

Patrick:You know, when I think about how we met, and everything we've been through, and now we're here getting married... it's like we're living in a sitcom.

David:We are living in a sitcom.

Patrick:I know.

David:I was impressed.

Patrick:You were impressed? What are you, the OJ prosecutor? I'm not taking any more questions.

Patrick:I just told them to make sure the masseuse knows to focus on my lower back and... oh my God.

Patrick:I said 'work it out thoroughly' and 'don't be shy about going deep.'

Patrick:That's... that's not what I meant at all.

Roland:If this ceiling were to collapse right now, I'd be fine. I'd just walk out of here.

Roland:The rest of you, I don't know. But me? I'd be okay.

David:Are you wearing white?

Alexis:Yes, it's a beautiful Valentino gown.

David:You can't wear white to a wedding. You're not the bride.

Alexis:Well, technically, you're the bride.

David:I'm the groom, Alexis.

Alexis:Right, so it's fine.

David:No, it is not fine. You need to change.

Alexis:The dress came with a veil.

David:Wait, so you're wearing an actual wedding dress? With a veil?

Alexis:Well, yes, that's what I just said.

David:Alexis, you're literally wearing a complete wedding ensemble to go to the grocery store.

David:Wait, wait, wait. People are going to think we're getting married to each other.

Alexis:What? No, they're not.

David:Yes, they are. You're in a wedding dress, walking me down the aisle. That's... that's a couple's entrance.

Alexis:It's not a couple's entrance, David. I'm your sister.

David:Yes, and everyone here knows that, but to a casual observer, this looks deeply inappropriate.

Stevie:It's fine, it's not a big deal. We'll just... we'll keep some distance.

David:Stevie, we're literally going to be standing next to each other.

David:And another thing—the seamstress said the train needs to be reinforced because of the weight of the beading, which means we might need to adjust the bustle mechanism, and I'm not even sure if the original design accounted for—

Stevie:David. The dress is beautiful. We're not talking about this anymore.

Alexis:I feel terrible about ruining your wedding.

David:Well, it was already ruined before you helped.

Wedding Guest 1:Oh, they look so happy together!

Wedding Guest 2:I always knew those two would end up together.

Wedding Guest 1:The way they're walking down the aisle... it's so romantic.

Wedding Guest 3:Wait, I thought David was marrying Patrick?

Wedding Guest 2:Shh, just enjoy the moment.

Johnny:Love is like a baby crow. It's awkward, it's not very attractive, and you're not entirely sure it's going to make it.

Johnny:And so as we gather here today, in this moment of profound significance, I find myself reflecting on the nature of love itself, which is much like a river, flowing endlessly through the landscape of our—

David:Dad. Dad, we're good. Thank you.

Johnny:But David, I haven't even gotten to the part about—

David:No, I know. And I appreciate it, but we need to move things along.

David:And when I think about the future, I think about you, and I think about... actually, I need to be clear about something. Earlier today, when I said I was getting a massage, I meant a therapeutic massage. A professional massage. I was not, in any way, implying that I needed to be... worked on. Manually. By another person. Because I'm with you now, and you're the only person I want to—

Patrick:David, I know what you meant.

David:Do you? Because your face suggested otherwise for a solid forty-five minutes.

Moira:A son's wedding is hardly the time to become maudlin. One must remain composed, collected, and entirely emotionally unavailable.

Stevie:I'm going to miss you guys. This place, all of it.

David:You're drunk.

Stevie:I'm not drunk.

David:You're tired then.

Moira:You smell like a distillery.

Stevie:Yeah, I didn't sleep. I just partied.

Moira:Now, when you ship the girls, I want them in individual climate-controlled boxes with their own security detail.

Johnny:Your wigs need a security detail?

Moira:These aren't just wigs, Johnny. These are the girls. They've been with me through three marriages, two bankruptcies, and a complete loss of cellular service in Schitt's Creek. They deserve to be treated with the utmost care and respect.

Johnny:I'll... make a note of that.

Patrick:All I did was leave an envelope full of cash and a note that said to take very good care of you. And now that I've said those words out loud, I can see how a certain kind of person would interpret that the wrong way.

Stevie · David · Patrick:Okay, but was it good at least? / Do not answer that. Was it? Don't.

Patrick:I think Stevie and I should probably go get ready. Leave you to put your little suit on. Nothing compares to you. My husband-to-be.

David:Oh my God. [reaction beat after Patrick and Stevie leave]

Roland:Something can fall from the ceiling and just go Bffggghhh! I'm dead! / Not me though, I'm prepared.

David · Alexis:And according to the wedding schedule, you're supposed to be dressed and ready to greet me. Greet you?

Alexis · David:You look very expensive and gorgeous too. / It's-it's white. You're wearing a white dress.

Alexis · David:Duh. It's black and white themed. What was I supposed to show up in pink? / Or black! You're wearing a wedding dress to my wedding!

Alexis · David:This is not a wedding dress. It's a white, floor-length gown. It's very different. / Did it come with a veil? / No. It came with a headdress.

David:You're walking me down the aisle in a wedding dress. Everyone is gonna think we're getting married to each other.

David · Stevie:Now, Stevie, as my Maid-of-Honour, does it not look like Alexis is wearing a wedding dress? Or just like a dress that happens to be white? / I don't wanna get involved.

Stevie:So much for the massage.

David · Stevie:You don't have a choice. You work for me today. / So much for the massage.

Stevie:I don't think you should worry about it. I'm sure this town has seen far weirder things.

David · Alexis:Is that a bow in the back? / Don't, David.

Alexis · Stevie:Right, Stevie? Right? / Hm.

David:I think you're giving yourself a lot of credit. My wedding was already ruined.

Wedding Guest 1 · Wedding Guest 2:Is it me, or do they look like husband and wife? / Kind of.

Moira · Patrick:And David... / Brewer. / Brewer.

Moira:In this little town. In the middle of nowhere. Okay. I think we're good.

Moira · Johnny:And now I will ask David Rose and Patrick... / Brewer. / Brewer.

Johnny · Moira:Well, you did such a great job, sweetheart. I don't know how you do it. / Oh, someone has to hold it together? There's a time and place for sentimentality, and your only son's wedding day is hardly the moment.

Moira · Stevie:Yes, just as sweet as the liqueur wafting off your breath. / I also didn't go to bed last night.

Johnny:And uh, if you get the chance, Room 7 needs a turndown.

Moira · Johnny:Okay. Make sure the girls are shipped in a temperature controlled cargo container. / Temperature controlled cargo container.

Moira · Johnny:Make sure the girls are shipped in a... / Temperature controlled / Temperature controlled / cargo container. Aha. / Cargo container. Aha.