Rip Moira Rose

Johnny:It says 'In loving memory of Moira Rose, a light that burned too bright and is now extinguished.'

Moira:Well, that's premature.

Moira:Really something? Really something?! I was a force of nature. I was a fashion icon. I was a television personality of note. I was not 'really something' — I was everything.

David:Wait, so people actually think mom is dead?

Alexis:I mean, I may have posted something on Instagram that could have been misinterpreted.

Moira:Alexis!

Alexis:It was a throwback photo with a butterfly emoji and a heart. How is that a death announcement?

Johnny:Because you captioned it 'Gone but never forgotten.'

Alexis:I was talking about my old highlights!

David:You tweeted about mourning with a sunglasses emoji?

Alexis:It's called processing, David. I'm literally wearing sunglasses to mourn my very-much-alive mother.

David:It says 'She was a free spirit, wild-haired, and permed.'

David:Well, I'm not concerned about the death rumors. I'm more concerned that I'm not trending.

David:I'm worried we're not going to trend.

Johnny:David, we're in the middle of a crisis and you're concerned about whether we're trending on Twitter?

David:Yes.

Johnny:...

Moira:Oh, another arrangement. How thoughtful... Oh! Oh no. No, no, no. Carnations? CARNATIONS?! Does no one know that I have a standing arrangement with my florist to never, under any circumstances, allow a carnation within a fifty-foot radius of my person? I would rather be the subject of a death hoax than be associated with carnations!

Roland:You know, I can still smell her perfume.

Johnny:She just walked away.

Roland:I know.

Roland:You know, Johnny, grief is a funny thing. When my first wife left me, I didn't eat for three days. Course, that was also because I was in jail.

Roland:Johnny, I need you to be my kid's godfather.

Johnny:Roland, Moira just died.

Roland:I know, it's very sad. So what do you say?

Johnny:Are we though?

Johnny:Are we really?

Twyla:I saw Moira yesterday.

Twyla:Yeah, she was angry. She's always angry when I see her.

Twyla:Well, that's actually quite poetic when you think about it. Moira became famous for not receiving the recognition she was expected to get.

Moira:Yes, well, the universe has a twisted sense of humor, doesn't it?

Moira:I have risen from the dead. Well, not from the dead, but from a very deep sleep and several mimosas.

David:Mom, you were asleep for three hours.

Moira:Exactly. I'm like Lazarus, if Lazarus had better bone structure and a skincare routine.

Moira:I want you to practice my eulogy. I need to know how it sounds.

David:Mom, that's morbid.

Moira:It's not morbid, it's practical. When the time comes, I want it to be perfect. So I'm going to need all of you to write something, and then read it to me so I can provide notes.

Jocelyn:Well, Moira was... a woman. She certainly existed. And she wore clothes. Very... memorable clothes. She was married to Johnny, which speaks to her ability to make commitments, I suppose. She had children, which means she was fertile and also willing to raise them, mostly. She will be remembered by those who knew her, probably. She did things. Many things. Some of them were intentional. She brought joy to those around her, or at least she was present while joy happened. She was alive for quite a long time. She will be missed by... some people. Possibly. In summary, Moira was a person who lived among us, and now she's gone, which is the natural order of things. Thank you.

Jocelyn:She was a light in this world. A beacon. A... a force of nature that couldn't be contained or dimmed. Even in her final moments, she was thinking of others.

Moira:Well, that's very kind, but I'm actually still alive.

Alexis:I needed this outing because reducing our business partnership to David working while I eat is not a partnership.

David:They're not old farm witches, Alexis. They're vendors. And you should probably eat something before you insult the people providing our food.

Alexis:Can we get some nom-noms?

David:No. We will never use that phrase in this house.

David:Heather is like 50.

Alexis:She's 40.

Alexis:But yeah, that's weird.

Alexis:I'm not a dog, David!

David:Then stop acting like one.

Alexis:I need to come inside. I'm bored and I'm hot and my phone is dying.

Johnny:It's a very generous offer.

Roland:Well, you know, I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. I'm gonna be the Godfather, and you're gonna be... one of the other guys in it.

Johnny:It's 'I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.' Not 'I'm going to make an offer he can't refuse.'

Roland:No, no, I'm pretty sure it's 'I'm going to make an offer he can't refuse.'

Johnny:It's literally one of the most famous lines in cinema history.

Roland:Well, maybe in YOUR cinema history. I've seen the movie plenty of times.

Johnny:Have you though?

Roland:...No. No, I haven't. You're right. It's 'I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.'

Roland:Well, if something were to happen to me, Johnny would have to raise the kid. And given my increasingly dangerous and reckless lifestyle choices, that's not out of the realm of possibility.

Twyla:What can I get started for you today, Roland?

Roland:I'll have the usual: a deep-fried butter stick, a bucket of gravy with a side of lard, and a diet cola to balance it out.

Twyla:One diet cola. You got it.

Johnny:Roland, I'm worried about you. You need to take better care of yourself.

Roland:I'm fine, I'm fine—

Roland:*choking violently*

Roland:You want some food? I got some cold cuts here.

Johnny:No, thank you.

Roland:I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse... a sandwich.

Roland:You want some food? I got some nice prosciutto.

Johnny:No, thank you.

Roland:Come on, I'm making you an offer you can't refuse.

David:She's my intern.

Alexis:I'm not an intern.

David:She's a very new intern.

Alexis:A vet? That's so... specific. What kind of vet? Like, is he... does he work with animals?

Alexis:And he's... happy doing that? Like, genuinely fulfilled by his work?

Alexis:Does he ever mention wanting to leave town? Or like, staying here forever? Just curious.

Heather:Your voice sounds so familiar.

Alexis:Oh my God, I know. I have such a generic voice. Like, I could be anyone.

Heather:Your voice sounds so familiar.

Alexis:Oh, well, I mean, I've done a lot of voice work. I was the voice of a sexy lamp in a Pixar movie.

Alexis:It's... cheese. And it's... here. So that's... good?

David:We need to leave. Now. Your boyfriend cannot see you like this.

Alexis:What? Why?

David:Because you're covered in God knows what, and he's going to think you're insane.

David:Oh god, oh god, he's here. What do I say? What do I do?

David:Just be normal. Be casual. You can do this.

Ted:Hey David!

David:Hi Ted. How are you?

Moira:I'm simply concerned about how my resurrection will be reported. The last thing I need is for the press to photograph me emerging from some dingy, low-class motel room looking like I've just been through a biblical plague.

Moira:I have to correct the record. It's like a resurrection.

Moira:Except instead of ascending to heaven, I'm descending to a press junket.

Moira:I couldn't bear to disappoint my fans. They would literally die. Well, not literally. But emotionally, yes. I mean, have you seen what happened to the fans of 'The Young and the Restless' when they killed off Victor Newman? People were hospitalized.

Alexis:So Heather's quiche... I guess you could say it's a real... *egg-cellent* choice.

Alexis:I was not his receptionist. I was his office manager. There's a big difference. I mean, I answered the phones and I scheduled appointments and I organized his files, but I was management.

Ted:I'm a veterinarian, not a war veteran.

Ted:I have flat feet and mild asthma.

Alexis:This quiche is so vivacious.

Alexis:I use 'vivacious' when the food has a lot of personality, but it's still a quiche.

Ted:So, Alexis, I heard you were thinking about starting a business venture?

Alexis:Well, actually, it's more of a... collaborative opportunity. My brother David has this amazing eye for design and branding.

Ted:David Rose? I didn't know he was looking to expand.

Alexis:He's not, but I think if the right project came along, something that really aligned with his aesthetic, he'd be interested. He's very selective, which is why everything he touches becomes successful.

Ted:That's... actually really impressive. I had no idea you were so business-minded.

Alexis:Well, I've learned from the best. David's taught me everything about recognizing quality and potential.

Moira:We were part of a very exclusive wellness collective. The leader had us all sign NDAs, so I really can't get into specifics, but let's just say he had very particular requirements about what we wore to bed, and it wasn't pajamas.

Stevie:Maybe you should just tell the truth.

Moira:The truth? Darling, I haven't told the truth since I learned to accessorize. But if you insist, I shall deliver it with the gravitas of a Shakespearean soliloquy, perhaps while descending a staircase in a caftan.

Johnny:Roland asked me to be godfather. I'm very honored.

Jocelyn:Oh, that's wonderful! Roland's so lucky to have you.

Johnny:Well, I think so too. It's quite a responsibility.

Jocelyn:He asked us too.

Johnny:What do you mean he asked you too?

Jocelyn:He's asked everyone. I think he's just asking people until someone says yes.

Johnny:I'm honored to be chosen as godfather.

Roland:Well, actually, I asked Bob too.

Johnny:Oh.

Roland:And Ronnie, and Ted, and Jocelyn.

Johnny:I see.

Jocelyn:Well, you know what? I can bump you up. You could be number two.

Johnny:Number two?

Jocelyn:Yeah, I mean, Roland's always going to be number one, but you're a solid number two.

Jocelyn:Well, they're not *good* kids, Johnny. They're just kids.

Alexis:Ted's new girlfriend is so... smart. And kind. And she has, like, actual interests and hobbies. It's really great for him.

David:Wait, you have feelings for him?

Alexis:Yeah, David. I do.

Stevie:So a celebrity died and pushed your news story off the front page?

Moira:Yes, and apparently it was a very famous parrot that had befriended a capybara at a zoo in São Paulo. They were inseparable for three years.

Stevie:A parrot and a capybara?

Moira:Tragically, the capybara ate the parrot.

Stevie:The capybara... ate the parrot?

Moira:Apparently they weren't as close as everyone thought.

Moira:Well, that's just nature's way of saying 'you've overstayed your welcome.'

Moira:Well, you're still young. You have time to make some real enemies, develop some meaningful grudges. There's still hope for you yet.

Moira:Well, I'm not returning anything. These people have never sent me a single gift in my entire life. Now they suddenly remember I exist because we've lost everything? I think we've earned a little something.

David:A major celebrity is taking time off work because their internet cat died?

Moira:It's not just any cat, David. It's an internet cat.

David:Yes, I heard you the first time, but that doesn't make it any less ridiculous.

Moira:Well, I blame the kitten. If it hadn't been so adorable, I never would have made that poor friendship choice.