Dont Worry, Its His Sister

Ray:Oh, congratulations, Johnny! You own the town now!

Ray:Of course, you're completely bankrupt and have no money to actually run it, but what a thrill!

Johnny:Ray, have you seen the town sign? The positioning is... it's rather suggestive, don't you think?

Ray:Suggestive? It's a town sign, Johnny. It says 'Welcome to Schitt's Creek.'

Johnny:Yes, but the way the letters are arranged—

Ray:It's perfectly standard signage. I don't see anything inappropriate about it.

Ray:The sign has become a major tourist attraction. People come from all over to take pictures with it.

Ray:It's put Schitt's Creek on the map. Literally and figuratively.

Ray:Just last week, a tour bus stopped here. The guide said, 'And here we have the town with the funniest name in America.'

Ray:I told him, 'Actually, we're known for much more than that.' But they were already taking pictures and laughing.

Johnny:Ray, do you see what I'm pointing at?

Ray:Yes, I see it.

Johnny:And?

Ray:Well, I think your finger is blocking most of the view.

Moira:You know what? I don't care what people are saying online. They're just jealous. Besides, I have far more important things to worry about. Like the fact that carrots are completely irrelevant. Nobody needs them.

David:Mom, people definitely need carrots.

Moira:Well, I don't. And neither should you. In fact, spoons are irrelevant too. We should all just use our hands like our ancestors did.

Alexis:That's not sanitary.

Moira:Sanitary is irrelevant. You know what else is irrelevant? The internet. So I'm simply choosing not to acknowledge it.

Moira:You know, I've noticed that the people leaving these comments are all anonymous. And anonymous... ominous. They're practically the same word.

Alexis:So who was that guy at the party?

David:Which one? The one who looked like he was slowly melting? Or the other one who appeared to be in the early stages of digesting a small animal?

David:Have you seen Mom?

Alexis:Oh my God, yes. She's in the living room having a complete meltdown. Like, full Moira meltdown. She's on the fainting couch, there's a silk scarf involved, and I'm pretty sure she's quoting Sunset Boulevard.

Alexis:I didn't think it was that serious. I mean, she was still wearing her wig.

Alexis:Okay, so like, Monday through Wednesday is me?

David:Yes. Thursday through Saturday is mine.

Alexis:And Sunday?

David:We both take Sunday off.

Johnny:We need to help your mother with this.

Alexis:I can't, my horoscope said today is not a good day for taking on new responsibilities.

Johnny:Alexis, you can't use your horoscope as an excuse to avoid everything.

Alexis:Well, I'm not going to argue with the universe, Dad.

Johnny:Well, let me just consult my horoscope. Oh, it says here that today I'm going to encounter a stubborn Pisces who won't listen to reason. How convenient.

Alexis:I mean, they're kind of entertaining.

David:Alexis, she drove a golf cart through the front window of the Café Tropical.

Johnny:David, you need to pay for that expensive cream.

David:Well, I have it now, so clearly I don't need to pay for it.

Johnny:So you need an expensive cream for your face, and you don't have any money. That's the situation.

Alexis:He left me for a flight attendant.

Alexis:Her name is Krystal. With a K. And a Y. And no second L.

Moira:Love is like a beautiful, exotic bird that lands on your shoulder, and you think it's going to stay forever, but then it flies away and poops on your Valentino.

Moira:Oink oink oink!

Moira:Alexis, your taste in men is absolutely abysmal.

Alexis:Well, this explains so much about my childhood.

Moira:Well, if I take an anti-depressant, I'm still going to want to eat. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Stevie:What kind of job are you looking for?

David:Well, I was thinking something in the fashion industry. Or perhaps luxury goods. I have a very specific set of skills.

Stevie:David, we're in Schitt's Creek.

David:Yes, and I'm sure there's a thriving high-end retail market here. Or at minimum, a Hermès boutique.

David:I prefer jobs that are well-compensated, intellectually stimulating, and don't require me to interact with the general public.

Stevie:So you're looking for a job that doesn't exist in Schitt's Creek. Or anywhere.

David:Minimum wage? I assumed that was at least $47 an hour.

David:I would say minimum wage is probably somewhere in the $40 to $45 an hour range.

Stevie:Yeah, that sounds about right.

Moira:I'm going to have the lobster thermidor, a Caesar salad with extra dressing, and the chocolate lava cake.

Alexis:Actually, Mom, I think you should get the grilled salmon, a side salad with dressing on the side, and maybe just some fresh fruit.

Moira:Alexis, I didn't ask for your input.

Alexis:I know, but you're going to thank me later.

Alexis:I'm just going to step outside for a second.

Moira:Where are you going? You're supposed to be watching me.

Alexis:I know, but like, you're just sitting there. I'll be right back.

Alexis:Wait, so you're telling me you're taking our garbage?

Mutt:It's not garbage, it's compost. It breaks down into nutrient-rich soil.

Alexis:Right, okay. So... do poor people do this?

Alexis:Oh my god, composting? That's like, so in right now. All the A-listers in LA are doing it. It's basically just... trash yoga.

Moira:Oh, I'm doing well, thank you for asking. Though I must confess, I've been having the most morbid thought. I've decided that when I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes mixed into a luxury skincare line. That way, I'll finally have a product that's truly one-of-a-kind and will make people's skin absolutely radiant. It's the only way I can guarantee my legacy will be universally revered.

Jocelyn:Moira, would you help me with the school play?

Moira:Jocelyn, darling, I'm deeply moved by your courage. To ask me, knowing full well that I could overshadow every performance with my mere presence? It's a selfless act of bravery.

David:I have an interview to be a bag boy.

David:I mean, what have I become? I have a business degree from a private university, I've managed multi-million dollar accounts, and now I'm going to be placing groceries into bags for people.

David:This is my life now. This is what I've been reduced to.

Johnny:The interview is important for first impressions.

David:It's not like we're performing open heart surgery.

David:Because I need to prove to everyone that I'm not just some useless trust fund kid who can't do anything on his own. Also, I'm deeply competitive and can't stand the idea of someone else being better at something than me. And frankly, the salary would really help with my skincare routine.

Johnny:That is not an interview outfit. That is a outfit for someone who is going to sexually assault a beet.

Moira:So children, tell me about your theatrical background. Have you studied the craft?

Child:Um, we did a play at school.

Moira:Well, naturally. And did you find yourself fully inhabiting the emotional subtext of your character's journey?

Child:I was a tree.

Moira:Ah, yes. A decidedly avant-garde choice. Tell me, how did you approach the arboreal vulnerability of your role?

Moira:Children, gather 'round. We are not simply playing a game. We are channeling the raw, unbridled energy of the human spirit.

Moira:I need you to access your inner Meisner. Yes, even you, Bradley. Especially you, Bradley.

Moira:This finger painting is not a craft activity. It is a visceral exploration of color, form, and existential dread.

Moira:Well, I'm not surprised the children are struggling. Have you read this script? It's pedestrian drivel. The dialogue is wooden, the subtext is nonexistent, and the character arcs are flatter than my hair on a humid day. I wouldn't be caught dead performing this material, and frankly, I'm appalled that a supposed educator thought this was acceptable.

Moira:Write what you know.

Jocelyn:Oh, that's good advice.

Moira:Well, you could write about your marriage to Roland. Now there's a tragedy in three acts.

Moira:No, no, no. You need to find the emotional core of this moment. The fear, the vulnerability of a child confronted with peer pressure.

Moira:Again. And this time, really feel it.

Child Actor:Um... I don't want to do drugs?

Moira:LOUDER! YOUR MOTHER IS CRYING! YOUR FATHER HAS ABANDONED YOU! THE DRUGS ARE WINNING!

Moira:Now, do you see what you did there? You found it.

Roland:My great-grandfather founded this town, and it's a slice of heaven.

Johnny:Look, I know what you all think when you look at that sign. But let me tell you exactly what I see. I see a giant, gaping... well, it looks like a massive pair of... you know what? It's a town sign that appears to have been designed by someone with absolutely no understanding of visual composition or basic human decency. The way those letters are positioned, the spacing, the overall offensive nature of the imagery — it's like someone deliberately tried to make it look obscene. And frankly, I think that's exactly what happened here.

Johnny:Roland, I'm not sure this is appropriate imagery for a town festival.

Roland:What? That's not a... that's a cornucopia.

Johnny:It looks like—

Roland:It's overflowing with produce.

Roland:Well, I'll have you know that my family is not poor!

Moira:Children, life is a journey. You must always be true to yourself and follow your dreams.

Moira:However, sometimes life will disappoint you. Sometimes the people you love will leave you. Sometimes you'll make choices you deeply regret.

Moira:And sometimes, you'll look in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you. Isn't that right... what's your name again?

Moira:You, little one, will grow up to be a moderately successful insurance adjuster in a strip mall outside of Poughkeepsie, where you'll spend your evenings arguing with your spouse about whose turn it is to take out the recycling.

Johnny:What did Roland do to the sign?

Roland:Well, I noticed the town symbol looked a little... suggestive, so I added a leaf to cover it up.

Johnny:Roland, that's not a leaf. That's a... that's worse.

Johnny:Roland, what have you done? This is worse than before!

Roland:Well, I tried to cover it up, but I guess I just made it look more...

Johnny:More what, Roland? More suggestive? More inappropriate?

Roland:I was going to say 'creative.'

Moira · Jocelyn:Jocelyn reveals she wrote the anti-drug school play. Moira asks: 'Jocelyn, have you ever been addicted to drugs?' Jocelyn: 'No!' Moira: 'Then write what you know.'

Moira:Moira tells Jocelyn the play should be about 'the quiet suffering of a woman trapped in a relationship with a simpleton'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'That's not what I know Moira, and drug awareness is part of the curriculum, so.'

Moira · Student:The student says she wants 'the marijuana' when Moira asks what she wants — then Moira reframes: 'No, you want to be seen, and heard, and loved!'

Moira:Moira: 'No, you want to be seen, and heard, and loved!' — then her method acting drill escalating into shouting

Moira:Moira escalates her 'What is it you need?' exercise — building to a shouted crescendo that frightens the children

Alexis · Mutt · Twyla:Alexis shows up at Mutt's cabin — Mutt answers the door apparently shirtless/post-workout; Twyla is also there

Alexis:Alexis's hollow laugh and 'Blaaaaah!' upon leaving Mutt's cabin

Roland:Roland defends his great-grandfather Horace Schitt: 'He discovered this land, he developed it, and he turned it into the little slice of heaven that it is.'

Johnny:Johnny finally tells Roland directly: 'It looks like your great grandfather's [bleeping] your great grandmother right up the [bleep].'

Roland:Roland: 'Oh my go... that is so demented!' — then immediately: 'Sure, I... I see it, but you got it all wrong, pal!'

Roland · Johnny:'That isn't even Horace's wife! That's his sister.' / 'Well, how does that make it any better?'

Roland:Roland: 'I don't know how they do things where you come from, but around these parts, we don't do that sort of thing with our sisters!'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Roland, how is anybody driving past this sign supposed to know the woman getting banged from behind is that man's sister?!'

Moira:Moira watching a student's acting: 'Oh, could you be stiffer?!'

Moira:Moira's motivational speech to the children: 'The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger, oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You're going to have a huge ass.'

Moira:Moira: 'And you, future baldy. Sorry, hairless, homeless!'

Moira:Moira's inspirational conclusion ties in 'cruel Internet people' — clearly venting her own pain about the online comments that started her crisis

David · Store Manager:David is now actually bagging groceries. The store manager watches him carefully: 'Watch the eggs. What did I say?' David: 'You said put them in a separate bag.' Manager: 'Good. Quick learner.'

David · Johnny:P.A. system: 'David Rose, line one.' — David answers, realizes it's his dad calling him at work on line one of a grocery store

P.A. Announcer:Third P.A. call — now with audible irritation: 'David Rose, line one!' (annoyed tone)

Johnny · Alexis:The 'fixed' town sign is now apparently worse. Alexis: 'It looks like...' Johnny: 'I know what it looks like, Alexis! I know!'