Operation Ann

Leslie:Oh my God, look at this headline from the day I was born. 'Leslie Knope Replaces Stalin as Most Evil Person in History.' Well, technically I replaced him just by being born that day. I didn't actually commit genocide or anything.

Leslie:Galentine's Day should be a national holiday. I've already written to Congress about it. Multiple times. Along with my other suggestions.

Donna:I treat my dates like a dog left in a car. I crack the window, tell them I'll be right back, and then I go to brunch with my girlfriends for four hours.

April:It's amazing. He describes objectively terrible decision-making as 'amazing.' Like, he'll say, 'I just spent our entire savings on a synthesizer I don't know how to play,' and I'm like, 'That's amazing, Andy.'

Ann:You guys are so lucky to have each other. I mean that. I'm not just saying that because I'm single and bitter.

Ann:Although, full transparency, I am single and bitter.

Ann:I'm really glad we're friends. I mean that sincerely.

Ann:Ugh, why do I always sound like I'm reading from a hostage video?

Leslie:Ann, you're a beautiful spinster. And I'm going to make it my personal mission statement to find you a man.

Leslie:I really admire your positive attitude about this meal.

Ron:I wasn't talking to you. I was having a conversation with my food.

Leslie:Oh, I thought you were just being nice.

Ron:I was being nice. To the food. You're not invited to that conversation.

April:Ann is a beautiful, talented, powerful musk ox.

Leslie:Ann's ideal man would be someone who's well-read, culturally aware, someone who appreciates the finer things in life—

April:A guy.

Leslie:—someone with gravitas, panache, a certain je ne sais quoi—

April:A guy.

Leslie:—someone with the strength of Hercules, the wisdom of Socrates, the charm of Cary Grant—

April:A guy.

Tom:So Ann, where are you from originally?

Ann:Mansfield, Ohio.

Tom:Oh nice. I bet you had some great experiences growing up there. Did you ever go deep into the woods?

Leslie:Tom...

Tom:What? I'm just asking if she explored the local area. I hear the terrain gets pretty thick and hard to penetrate.

Leslie:Okay, we should probably—

Tom:And I imagine a girl like Ann really knew how to handle a big, long... hiking trail.

Leslie:Tom, stop it right now.

Tom:I'm just saying, she probably got pretty sweaty working those trails, maybe needed a good stiff drink afterwards—

Leslie:We're done here.

Leslie:I made you something special for Valentine's Day.

Ben:Leslie, what is this?

Leslie:It's an action figure based on your dream where you're a merman who works at the Parks Department.

Ben:How did you know about that?

Leslie:You talk in your sleep. Also, I made him anatomically accurate.

Ben:What is this?

Leslie:It's a cryptex. You have to solve the puzzle to open it. Inside is a note about the time we watched that cable movie at 2 AM when we couldn't sleep, and you fell asleep during the opening credits, so I just watched you sleep for forty-five minutes instead of the actual movie.

Andy:Are you thinking about your ex?

Chris:My heart is a vast, barren wasteland. A once-fertile valley now ravaged by drought and pestilence. The crops have withered, the livestock have fled, and all that remains is the echo of what once was—a hollow wind whistling through the ruins of my soul.

Tom:We should get DJ Bluntz to play the dance.

Chris:DJ Bluntz? Isn't his slogan 'Get Bluntz-ed'?

Tom:Yeah, that's his thing.

Chris:I don't think that's appropriate for a government-sponsored event.

Ben:I can't figure out this five-letter code. I've tried everything.

Andy:Oh! Try D-U-M-B-S!

Ben:That spells 'dumbs.' That's not a word.

Andy:Well, what if you add an 'S' to the end?

Andy:What if we call it the Pawnee Fucking... I mean, the Pawnee F-word...

Ben:Yes, Andy. Everyone immediately thinks of that word. That's why we can't use it.

Jerry:I found a date for Ann! I posted on a dating website.

Jerry:Turns out I accidentally posted in the men-seeking-men section.

Leslie:Jerry, what did you do?

Jerry:What? What did I do?

Leslie:You filed the permit under the wrong department code.

Jerry:I did? I thought I... I was just trying to help.

Ben:I'm so sorry I ruined Valentine's Day.

Andy:It's okay, man. April hates Valentine's Day anyway.

Andy:She also hates: fancy restaurants, flowers, the color red, heart-shaped anything, romance, emotions, and people.

Andy:Basically, she hates Valentine's Day.

Leslie:April, your friend is a little weird.

Leslie:I mean that as a compliment.

Ann:I can't imagine anywhere more depressing than a couples dance while single.

Ann:Well, except maybe a wedding where the bride specifically requests that all single guests sit together at a table in the corner, and then during the father-daughter dance, the DJ announces 'Let's see which single ladies want to join them!' and literally shines a spotlight on your table.

Ann:And then your ex shows up with his new girlfriend, and she's wearing the same dress you were going to wear.

Donna:Okay, so we got Tuesday at 7, but he's a little weird about dairy.

Donna:Wednesday at 8, but he only speaks Klingon.

Donna:Thursday at 9, but he's currently incarcerated.

Donna:And Friday at 10, but he's dead.

Leslie:Hi, yes, I'm calling Pizza Hut. Do you have any cute delivery drivers? No? What about in the kitchen? Anyone with a strong jawline? Okay, well, can you just describe your employees to me? I'm trying to set my best friend up on a date.

Ron:Something wicked this way comes.

Ron:That's Tammy Two.

Ben:Of course there's another clue. Of course there is.

Ben:I'm going to be doing this until midnight, aren't I?

Ben:You know what? It's fine. This is fine. I love her. I can do this.

Tom:You should rebound with someone at the dance.

Chris:I don't know, Tom. I'm not really in the headspace for that.

Tom:Come on, man. You need to get back out there.

Chris:Well, maybe... I mean, Jerry does share similar genetic material with my daughter.

Ben:Excuse me, do you work here? I'm looking for something that was left for me.

Museum Employee:I might be able to help you. What are you looking for?

Ben:It's a clue. My girlfriend left it somewhere in the museum.

Museum Employee:Well, that's interesting. I'm going to need more information than that.

Ben:Okay, well, it would be in an envelope with my name on it.

Museum Employee:I'm going to enjoy watching you search for this.

Jeff:Ann, you're so beautiful. It's actually illegal for me to date you.

Ann:What? That doesn't make any sense.

Jeff:Yeah, there's a law. No man is allowed to date a woman more beautiful than his sister. It's to protect guys like me.

Tom:Ann, I'd like you to meet Harris. Harris, this is Ann.

Harris:Hey Ann. You single?

Ann:Um, yes, actually—

Harris:You wanna get out of here and go back to my place?

Harris:It's actually 247.

Ann:That's not a flex.

Harris:I know.

Tom:What do you bring to the table?

Bill:I can juggle.

Tom:Well, that's completely undateable.

Ron:This is an emergency. I need this axe.

Leslie:Ron, no, that's my clue!

Ron:A scavenger hunt clue is the definition of an emergency.

Chris:You know, I'm worried that Millicent was my peak. Like, what if I never accomplish anything as great as being a father to her?

Leslie:Chris, that's ridiculous. You're going to do amazing things.

Chris:You really think so?

Leslie:I know so. You're an incredible person.

Chris:But like, specifically though, how incredible? Like on a scale of...

Leslie:You're the most incredible 42-year-old man I've ever met.

Chris:42 and three months.

Leslie:Right, 42 and three months.

Chris:And what about compared to other men my exact height and build?

Leslie:You dated the perfect woman and you let her go. That's like... that's like ordering the best pizza in the world and then just leaving it on the roof.

Leslie:Ann, can I borrow your car keys?

Ann:What did you do?

Leslie:Nothing! Why does something have to be wrong?

Ann:Because every time you ask to borrow my car, you've either gotten it towed, or driven it into a lake, or used it to transport something illegal.

Leslie:Ann! Ann, what is happening right now? You're wearing makeup. You never wear makeup. And you're wearing the good bra. I can tell because you're standing differently. Where are you going?

Ann:I'm just going out.

Leslie:You're going on a date! Oh my God, you're going on a date and you didn't tell me! We tell each other everything. I'm hurt. I'm actually hurt. This is a betrayal of the highest order.

Andy:Okay Ben, I found a clue! This bottle cap is definitely a tiny frisbee for a very small dog.

Ben:Andy, that's a bottle cap.

Andy:Exactly! A bottle cap frisbee!

April:Look, Ann is my best friend. I know she's lame, but she's MY lame.

Ben:Wait... Li'l Sebastian. That's it. That's the answer to everything.

Ron:What are you talking about?

Ben:Leslie loves Li'l Sebastian more than anything. If I want to understand her, I need to understand why she cares so much about a tiny horse.

Ron:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Ben:No, Ron. It's actually genius. I'm going to become a Li'l Sebastian enthusiast.

Leslie:Okay, I have to admit something. I intentionally made that puzzle really difficult.

Ben:Wait, what? Why would you do that?

Leslie:Because I wanted to see if you were smart enough to solve it. And you did! You're so smart, Ben. I'm impressed.

Leslie:Should I confront Chris and Ann about what they're doing?

Ben:Yes! Absolutely, confront them. I'm with you 100%. Let's do this right now.

Leslie:Really? You're not worried about the drama?

Ben:Drama? I don't care about drama. I care about justice. And you. Mostly you being right about things.

Leslie:Wait, what? How did you two even meet?

April:I set it up. You were spending too much time at work, so I may have mentioned to them that you were single and sad.

Leslie:April! You can't just... I mean, that's... did you really do that?

April:Yeah. Also, I told them you volunteer on weekends and own seventeen cats. You're welcome.

April:I'm trying to set Tom up with someone equally mediocre. You know, like pairing a mid-tier wine with a mid-tier cheese. They're both disappointing on their own, but together they might distract each other from how forgettable they are.

Leslie:April, you're actually really nice.

April:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's pump the brakes on that. I'm not nice. I'm mean. I say mean things. That's my thing.

Leslie:But you do nice things.

April:I do nice things, but I'm not nice. There's a difference. I'm like a serial killer, except instead of murdering people, I help them organize their closets.

Leslie:I love Tom and I love Ann, but I don't love Tom and Ann together. It's like... it's like how I love every country, but if they all tried to live in the same house, it would be a nightmare. It's like fascism.

Ben:So what's your type? Like, what ethnicity are you usually attracted to?

Leslie:Oh, well, I like guys who are smart and funny and caring...

Leslie:So I guess my type is... European?

Leslie:Actually, no. Caucasian.

Leslie:Wait, I mean... human.

Tom:Hey Ann, what if we skip dinner and I just talk to you in baby voice all night?

Ann:No.

Ron:I don't want some big, elaborate birthday celebration. No fuss, no gifts, no hoopla. Just leave me alone.

Leslie:Ron, we already planned the whole thing.

Ron:Cancel it.

Leslie:Too late. Everyone's already here with decorations and a mariachi band.

Ron:A mariachi band? How many musicians?

Leslie:Seven.

Ron:Well... that's a good number. And the gifts — are they wrapped nicely?

Leslie:Beautifully.

Ron:What did you get me?

Leslie:A woodworking set and a case of scotch.

Ron:This might be the best day of my life.