Dave Returns

Tom:Hey there, sugar plum. How was your day?

Ann:Sugar plum? We went out ONE time!

Tom:Yeah, and it was magical, honeybun. I'm already picking out baby names.

Tom:Okay, so I've come up with some nicknames for you. You can pick your favorite.

Tom:There's 'Ann Perkins,' classic. 'A-Perk,' fun and zippy. 'Annie Oakley,' strong and independent.

Tom:'The Ann-vernator,' Terminator reference. 'Ann-tastic,' self-explanatory.

Tom:'Annabelle,' feminine and mysterious. 'Ann-athon,' because you're a strong woman athlete.

Tom:'Ann-imal,' because you're wild. 'Ann-droid,' because you're perfect and mechanical.

Tom:'The Annnette,' fancy. 'Ann-credible,' like Incredible, but with Ann.

Tom:And my personal favorite... 'Tommy's Girl.'

Ann:Absolutely not.

Tom:Ann, I've been thinking about us, and I realized something important.

Ann:Oh my god, Tom, what is it?

Tom:I want to take our relationship to the next level. I got us matching velvet tracksuits.

Ann:Tom, no—

Tom:Wait, there's more. I rented us a party bus for next Saturday, hired a DJ, and I'm going to propose to you in front of everyone at the Sweetums factory.

Ann:Tom, I'm trying to tell you I'm pregnant.

Tom:I know! That's why the tracksuits are stretchy.

Ann:...

Tom:I'm really embarrassed about what happened.

Ann:You should be.

Tom:So are we together or not?

Ann:It's complicated.

Ben:You know, like in Die Hard, when Alan Rickman is up on the building? That's a movie reference. Die Hard. It came out in 1988. Bruce Willis is in it. There's explosions. And, um, he's trying to save his wife. Her name is Holly. Holly Gennaro Willis. Actually it's just Holly Gennaro in the movie, because she goes by her maiden name at work, which is actually pretty progressive for an action film from the late eighties.

Ben:I'm not afraid of cops. I respect the law. I follow the rules. There's no logical reason for me to be afraid of them.

Ben:Okay, fine. When I was twelve, Officer Daniels told me my bike was stolen, and I cried for three hours.

Ben:It was all good just a week ago.

Police Chief:That's not how the quote goes.

Ben:I know, I know. I was just... riffing. You know, like Biggie would have wanted.

Ben:You know what, I think you police officers are really great. You put your lives on the line every single day, and—

Leslie:Ben, no.

Ben:—especially after 9/11—

Leslie:Ben!

Andy:So there's this flesh-eating virus, right? And it's like... it's like a home invader. Except the home is your body, and the invader is a virus. So you gotta kick it out. But you can't really kick a virus because it's invisible. So maybe you use a gun? A really tiny gun?

Andy:Actually, no, wait. The virus is more like a bad roommate. A bad roommate that eats your flesh. Who does that? What roommate eats flesh? That's just... that's crazy.

Andy:I lost the metaphor, didn't I? I definitely lost it.

Andy:Our campaign song is like We Are the World, except We Are the World actually made a difference.

Andy:I was in charge of the budget for the entire campaign.

Andy:We spent $847,000.

Andy:I have no idea where any of it went.

Ron:What are the acoustics like? Does it have isolated vocal booths? What's the mixing console setup?

Andy:I don't know, I've never been there.

Dave:Well, Leslie and I have a relationship that is... geographically situated in Pawnee, Indiana, which is in the Midwest, and our emotional connection is predicated on a series of interactions that occurred over a temporal span of several months, during which we engaged in various activities together, including but not limited to dining, conversing, and maintaining a consistent pattern of eye contact that some might characterize as romantic in nature, though I would describe it more as a sustained mutual acknowledgment of each other's existence within the same physical space.

Dave:Yeah, well, I'll be at Applebee's with my ex-wife arguing about whose turn it is to pay for the bloomin' onion.

Leslie:Double endorsement? That's like 'Double Impact' with Jean-Claude Van Damme!

Ron:Tom, I need your absolute discretion on something. Duke Silver is a very private part of my life.

Tom:Duke Silver? That's awesome! Wait till I tell everyone at the party tonight about Ron Swanson's Duke Silver thing!

Jerry:So when you say you want to go in a more... what was the word... 'Spinergy' direction?

Andy:Yeah, Spinergy. It's like... spin meets energy.

Jerry:Right, but is that a real word?

Andy:No, I made it up. But it should be.

Tom:I'm sorry I told everyone about our date. I just... I couldn't help myself.

Ann:Tom, you told the entire department within five minutes.

Tom:That's because you're too attractive to keep secret. It's not my fault you're so beautiful that I had to share the good news with everyone I know.

Donna:So what's going on with you and Tom?

Ann:We're just friends.

Donna:Mm-hmm. And how many times a week are you sleeping together?

Ben:Leslie's bathroom nickname is 'The Cistern Sister.'

Dave:Real cute.

Dave:I think Leslie is amazing and I'm completely in love with her.

Leslie:What?

Dave:I said... I think Leslie is... a MENACE. To society. A total menace.

Ben:Sorry, the bathroom situation in this building is a nightmare. Anyway, as I was saying about the budget crisis...

Andy:That was... that was really bad. Like, genuinely one of the worst things I've ever heard. But hey, you committed to it! That takes guts. So, uh... good job?

Chris:Tom and Ann are... dating? *long pause* I need to process this information. *blinks repeatedly* That's... that's great. That's really great. *forces smile* I'm very happy for them. *jaw tightens* This is fine. Everything is fine.

Leslie:Well, I should probably get going. I have an early meeting tomorrow with the... parks... and the recreation... of them.

Andy:You know what's great for your voice? Hot tea with honey.

Andy:I drink it all the time.

Andy:Well, it's just honey. Straight honey. But it's hot.

Andy:Watch this, I'm gonna create some real rock star energy!

Andy:Whoa! Okay, that hurt way more than I thought it would.

Andy:But check it out — I'm fine! I'm so fine! This is great!

Tom:I'm an expert at understanding women and their needs.

Tom:I make them angry all the time.

Chris:Take me out to the ball game, take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks, I don't care if I never get back. Because it's root, root, root for the home team, if they don't win it's a shame. For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out, at the old ball game. Boom.

Leslie:Okay, so Dave wants to talk to me first, but Ben needs to talk to me second, unless Dave's thing is about the budget, in which case Ben goes first, but only if it's about the Sweetums deal, and if it's about both the budget AND Sweetums, then we do a coin flip, but only if it's heads, because tails means we go in reverse alphabetical order by first name, which would put Ben before Dave anyway, so actually that doesn't matter...

Leslie:You know what? Let's just do rock-paper-scissors. Best two out of three. Actually, best three out of five. No wait—best of seven, because seven is a lucky number, and I want to make sure we get this right.

Tom:I caught feelings for you. Will you be my girl?

Dave:That's just contriring nonsense.

Ben:Do you mean 'contriving'?

Ben:Dave, why are you handcuffing me?

Dave:You were jaywalking.

Ben:I was crossing at the crosswalk!

Dave:Yeah, but you were crossing diagonally. That's two jaywalks.

Obvious lies designed to make Ben look bad

Tom:Is this rain? This is perfect. This is straight out of my playbook. Women love a guy who's wet and confused.

Tom:Ann! Ann! Hey Ann!

Ann:What, Tom?

Tom:I just wanted to say... you're looking really nice today, Ann Perkins.

Ann:Why do you look so terrible?

Tom:Movies

Dave:Ben's not exactly a physical specimen. I mean, look at him.

Leslie:Are you kidding me? Ben is incredibly attractive! He's got those piercing blue eyes, that strong jawline, and he's clearly very fit.

Dave:I don't know, he seems pretty—

Leslie:Pretty what? Pretty amazing? Because he is! He's smart, he's kind, he's dedicated, and yes, he is VERY handsome. In fact, I think you're crazy for not seeing it.

Dave:I was just—

Leslie:And another thing! Ben has the most incredible smile and when he laughs it's like the whole room lights up and I could listen to him talk about municipal governance all day long because he's brilliant and talented and I love him, okay?!

Leslie:Ben is not shrimpy. He once punched a guy.

Ben:Leslie, we've talked about this. He was harassing a horse.

Leslie:Still counts as punching someone.

Tom:Ron, is that you playing the saxophone?

Ron:Absolutely not. I don't play the saxophone.

Tom:But we can literally hear it right now.

Ron:That's impossible. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Ben:What are you even talking about right now?

Dave:I'm just keeping it real, bro. You know, staying fresh, staying fly.

Ben:Do you actually know what any of those words mean?

Dave:Honestly? Not really. I just hear people say them and I repeat them.

Tom:Baby, I wrote you a song. *clears throat and starts singing off-key* You're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Tom! You're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Tom!

Ann:You wore me down.

Tom:That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

Leslie:Ben? Why are you standing outside the bathroom?

Ben:I was just... waiting.

Leslie:For what?

Ben:For you to be done. I didn't want to interrupt.

Leslie:Ben, you have a weird thing about authority figures. You're being way too deferential.

Tom · Ann:Ann confrontation: 'Ann, I caught feelings for you. And I want you to be my girl. And I don't care who knows.' / Ann: 'I know you don't care, dummy. I care.'

Tom · Ann:Tom tells Ann: 'Let's not get hung up on who wants what.' / Ann: 'You know what? I'm calling this. We're done.' / Tom: 'What about our next date?'

Tom · Ann:Ann: 'If you want another date, keep walking away.' Tom watches: 'She's still walking.'

Dave · Ben:Dave to Ben: 'I need you to know something, man to man. I still have feelings for Leslie, in a womanly fashion. And I believe she feels the same towards me, in a manly way.'

Dave · Ben:Dave: 'I just said to you one thing. And you're contriring me.' / Ben: 'I don't think that's a word.'

Ben · Dave:Ben refuses to give his blessing for Dave to pursue Leslie: 'I think that that's reasonable.' / Dave: 'Okay. Okay, and I want to thank you. I want to thank you for having this talk with me, man.' / Ben: 'Oh, well, thank you. Thank you very much.'

Dave · Leslie:Dave handcuffs Ben to something while Ben is turned away; when Leslie asks where Ben is, Dave says: 'He said, "I've got somewhere important to go, and I don't respect her as a woman." He said that. And then he acted more effeminate than he does in front of you.'

Dave · Leslie:Dave to Leslie: '[Ben] said, "I've got somewhere important to go, and I don't respect her as a woman." He said that. And then he acted more effeminate than he does in front of you.'

Dave:Dave is about to make his emotional speech to Leslie; his cell phone rings mid-sentence: 'Romance... (CELL PHONE RINGING)'

Dave · Leslie:After the phone interruption, Leslie: 'Are you okay?' Dave: 'Yeah. I have to pee really bad, ironically.'

Dave · Leslie:Dave reveals his master plan: 'I was thinking that I would cuff him and then I could have time to speak to you. And that you would decide to be with me, and then I would come back here and we would un-cuff him together.'

Tom:Nature is 'throwing Tom a bone': Tom is standing in the rain as Ann exits, invoking 'Haverford Playbook move number two. Ladies love a guy waiting for them in the rain.'

Ron · Tom:Ron to Tom about the song: 'Leslie is going to love it. I promise.' / Tom: 'No offense, Ron, but what do you know about music?' / Ron GRUNTS

Ben · Leslie:Leslie to Ben, after the Dave disaster: 'Let's just go home.' / Ben: 'No. We're going to Trumple's thing.' / Leslie: 'No. Let's not go there. I don't care about the endorsement.' / Ben: 'You don't care about the endorsement?' / Ben: 'Leslie, let's not let your terrible decision-making get in the way of this election.'

Tom:Tom reveals he was waiting in the rain as a strategy but got sick: 'I was waiting outside in the rain for you. Because I thought you would come out and be like, "Oh, he's all wet. That's so romantic." But you didn't. And now I've got the sniffles.'

Ann · Tom:Ann: 'Why do you have to be so you all the time?' / Tom: 'I'm sorry. Will you help me get out of these wet clothes?'

Dave · Leslie:Dave on Ben: 'I guess I'm just surprised that, you know, that's the guy you fell in love with. He's very... Well, he's shrimpy. And he's small.'

Leslie · Dave:Leslie defends Ben: 'Shrimpy or not, he's smart and he's cute and he's kind and he's funny. He's got a great face and nice hair, and he's...' / Dave: 'Okay, that's... I get it. I surrender.'

Leslie · Dave:Leslie: 'A few weeks ago, a guy called me a bitch in a bowling alley, and he punched him in the face.' Dave: 'Well, good man. I mean him, for doing that. Not the guy who called you a bitch. You tell me where he is. I'll punch him, too.'

Leslie · Dave:Leslie: 'A few weeks ago, a guy called me a bitch in a bowling alley, and he punched him in the face.' / Dave: 'Well, good man. I mean him, for doing that. Not the guy who called you a bitch. You tell me where he is. I'll punch him, too.'

Tom:Tom announces a new song: 'The Promise of Tomorrow's Wings. It's brilliant, about a billion times better than Catch Your Dreams, which I realize now sucks ass.'

Ron · Tom · others:Ron plays saxophone secretly in the studio; the group hears it playing on the existing recording: 'Where is that saxophone coming from? / I don't know. / I don't know the first thing about music.'

Ben:Ben at the police retirement party spontaneously lobbying cops: 'I am telling you that Leslie, in the long run, is so much better for this police department than Bobby Newport is.' (Police all yelling) 'No, no! It's paper. I was reaching for paper.'

Ben:Ben at the police retirement party: 'No, no! It's paper. I was reaching for paper.'

Chief Trumple · Ben:Trumple to Ben after his speech: 'Pretty sweet sauce in there, eh, Ace?' / Ben: 'What's wrong with you?' / Trumple: 'I don't know.'

Leslie:Leslie talking head: 'Trumple gave me the endorsement, which is great. But really, the only endorsement that matters is Ben's. And I locked that sucker up a long time ago. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to endorse 10 beers into my mouth because this has been an incredibly stressful evening.'

Leslie:Leslie (talking head, continued): 'Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to endorse 10 beers into my mouth because this has been an incredibly stressful evening.'

Andy:After Mouse Rat records, Andy announces: 'Hey, a little tradition. After Mouse Rat records, someone buys me booze. Who's it going to be?'

Tom:Tom's final apology to Ann turns into a song: 'Baby, I'm sorry for how I acted / But if you give me another chance / I could be the boo of your dreams, girl / So when you're sleeping and you're dreaming of a boo / I want that boo to be me / I want me to be that boo / So will you date me? I'm saying...'

Tom · Ann:Ann agrees to go out with Tom: 'Dude, you wore me down. Just stop singing. Please.' / Tom: 'The four sweetest words in the English language. "You wore me down."'

Ben · Leslie:Ben is waiting in line at the bar and deferring to every cop who walks up, letting them go in front of him; Leslie has to tell him: 'It feels like you're being overly respectful of all these cops, and you're letting them go in all in front of you. Why would you be standing just here?' / Ben: 'I was just checking... Get in that. Go in!'