The Throuple

David:Oh my God, it's Patrick... with clothes on.

Johnny:I have a very personal question, and I need you to answer me honestly. When you and Patrick... do you... do you...

David:I specifically instructed Jake to avoid my family.

I don't have enough context to accurately parse this dialogue. The character 'Jake' does not appear in Schitt's Creek, and without the actual punchline text, I cannot identify speakers or reconstruct the joke. Please provide the full dialogue text.

Johnny:I just want to give them some privacy. Should I leave the room? Should I go outside? How long should I stay gone? Do I need to knock before I come back in? What if I come back too early? What if I come back too late and they think I've abandoned them?

Moira:I don't care about this situation.

Moira:Keep walking. Keep walking. Keep walking!

David:I'm experiencing a very strange sensation in my chest. It's like... a tightness. A heaviness. Is this what people call heartbreak? Or am I having a cardiac event? Because I would prefer the cardiac event, honestly. At least that's treatable.

Alexis:They can hear everything we're saying.

David:Yes, Alexis, that's how stage-whispering works.

Alexis:David, it's going to be okay. I've been the other woman so many times, I basically have a frequent flyer card.

Alexis:So... are we not getting a ride?

Stevie:No.

Alexis:Okay, but like, shouldn't you at least offer?

Johnny:I'd like the eggs over easy, please.

Waitress:And how would you like your toast?

Johnny:Over easy as well.

Waitress:That's not really how toast works.

Johnny:Well, I don't make the rules. Over easy.

Twyla:I was reaching for the extra-strength hemorrhoid cream on the top shelf, and I fell off the ladder, and I landed right on my tailbone. And let me tell you, when you land on your tailbone, it sends this shooting pain all the way up your spine and into your brain, and your vision gets all spotty, and you can taste copper, and there's this ringing in your ears like you're inside a bell that's being struck over and over again.

Johnny:Yes, well... thank you for that detailed explanation.

David:Who touched my cake?

David:Someone took a bite out of my cake. A bite!

David:Did nobody in this family learn basic respect? Or manners? Or... common decency?

David:I'm starting to think my parents didn't raise me right.

David:I don't share my cake. I have very clear boundaries around my desserts.

Alexis:David, you literally share a boyfriend.

David:That's different.

Alexis:Is it though?

David:I'm not 'sharing' a partner. I'm in a polyamorous relationship, which is a deeply committed, intentional arrangement between consenting adults who have transcended the antiquated, heteronormative construct of monogamy.

David:A throuple? No. No, no, no. Absolutely not. We are not a throuple. That is not a word that applies to us in any way.

Alexis:You know, in a throuple, everyone has to feel equally valued and important.

Alexis:Like, David and Patrick would never admit it, but they definitely have a favorite.

Alexis:It's me.

Alexis:It's like when you're making a nice dinner and someone comes in and poops on the table.

David:Why would you— why would you use that as an analogy?

David:And more importantly, why would you say that in front of me?

Alexis:You totally prefer David.

Moira:That is absurd. I love all my children equally.

David:I'm going to grab dinner with Patrick.

Moira:Oh, wonderful. I'll just eat alone then.

Moira:I don't have favorites among my children. I love David and Alexis equally.

Moira:In fact, I was just about to invite Alexis to join me for a light, midday repast of modest proportions.

David:You mean lunch?

Moira:Yes, David. A lunch.

Stevie:Well, the front desk person called in sick, and the housekeeper is out sick, and the maintenance guy is... also sick.

Jake:So who's running the motel?

Stevie:Me. I'm the only one here.

Stevie:David's basically a delicate snowflake.

Jake:A snowflake? More like a snowflake that melts if you look at it wrong.

Stevie:Exactly. One harsh word and he's gone.

Johnny:I'm a volunteer here at the cafe now.

Johnny:I expect to be treated with the utmost respect and given preferential seating.

Ronnie:Look, I don't care if there's a goose problem. You know what? Geese are part of nature. If you don't like it, move to the city.

Moira:Our relationship is perfectly healthy. We spend quality time together constantly.

Moira:Well, we would if our schedules aligned, which they never do. But that's beside the point.

Moira:Ronnie, may I join you?

Ronnie:No.

Alexis:I just needed a tiny break from everything, you know? To like, reset and find myself again.

David:A tiny break? Alexis, you were gone for two full episodes.

Alexis:Exactly. Tiny.

Ted:My mom and I have a really healthy relationship. We talk every Sunday, we do brunch once a month, and we respect each other's boundaries.

Alexis:That sounds... nice?

Ted:It is. Why do you ask?

Alexis:I'm supposed to have lunch with my mom today and I'm genuinely considering faking my own death.

Alexis:Can I get the dressing on the side?

Johnny:No. You get the dressing on the salad, like a normal person.

David:I was having a conversation with someone and they mentioned Avril Lavigne, and I realized I know far too much about her current health situation. I follow her on Instagram.

David:Well, actually, Avril Lavigne suffered from Lyme disease, which affected her ability to perform. So it's not just about the attitude, Stevie. There are legitimate medical reasons behind her entire aesthetic and career trajectory.

Stevie:David, I need to warn you about something. When relationships end, it can get really messy.

David:Oh, I'm aware. That's why I always use a lint roller before I leave the house.

Stevie:No, I mean emotionally messy. Like, there's anger, sadness, regret—

David:I have a very effective skincare routine, Stevie. I think I can handle a little emotional breakout.

David:Hey, how are you? I'm just... I'm just working out. Yeah, no, I do this all the time. Very normal for me.

David:I'm actually in the middle of... of a really intense set right now.

Moira:A salad? That's just a vehicle for dressing. It's a casserole without the self-respect.

Moira:I have prepared some questions for you.

Alexis:Mom, are those... are those cue cards?

Moira:They are prompts.

Alexis:You wrote questions down to ask me?

Moira:I wanted to be prepared. Is that so wrong?

Moira:It was a very educational experience. We learned about terroir, about the subtle notes of—

Alexis:Mom, you took me wine tasting when I was seven.

Moira:Yes, and look how well you turned out.

Alexis:There were other children there, Mom.

Moira:Well, they were all very well-behaved about spitting.

Moira:I was recognized at the grocery store today. Apparently, I have throngs of fans.

Alexis:Mom, no one knows who you are.

Moira:What are the seasons?

Alexis:Awards season, obviously.

Johnny:So... how does that work, exactly? Logistically speaking.

Johnny:I mean, who decides where everyone sleeps? Is there a rotation? A chart?

Jake:Look, I'm just saying, maybe the solution here is... you all just... be together? Like, all three of you. Romantically. I mean, it works in theory, right?

Jake:Look, I've been thinking about us, and I think the best way to solve this is... how do you feel about a threesome?

Stevie:I wasn't there for a date.

David:You showed up at 7 PM on a Friday night, wore that dress, and ordered the tasting menu. Those are three things that scream 'not a date.'

Stevie:Look, I know relationships are hard. But you know what? At least you tried. I've never even been able to commit to a gym membership, and I hate myself for it anyway, so really, you're doing great.

Johnny:These customers are absolutely impossible. Nobody understands what they want, and frankly, I don't think they do either.

Twyla:Oh my God, tell me about it. I had someone come in today who complained about everything.

Johnny:Well, who was that customer?

Twyla:You.

Johnny:Here, take my tip money as reparation.

Twyla:It's not nearly enough.