Dennis Gets Divorced

Maureen:But there's cab fare on the nightstand.

Maureen:That's the third morning in a row you've done that.

Maureen:We're married.

Maureen:Oh, I don't work.

Dennis:Oh, oh, okay. I just thought maybe you weren't going to work recently because we were going through a little bit of a honeymoon phase. But you're saying that you don't have a job.

Maureen:No job.

Dennis:No job at all? Wow.

Dennis:All yours.

Maureen:All mine.

Maureen:All mine all the time.

Dennis:All the time.

Dennis:Don't-don't look in those drawers.

Maureen:What's in those drawers?

Dennis:My sex tapes.

Charlie:You told me it was the phone bill, man. / Of course I signed it.

Mac:Why would you think that you needed to sign a phone bill.

Charlie:When he hands me something to sign and it's about money and papers, I sign it.

Mac:Charlie, gets health insurance and I get diddly-squat.

Mac:Because I don't have a home anymore. So this is where I take a shower. This is where I live, Dennis.

Mac:Yeah, one second you're on your high horse about how great marriage is, and now you're destroying one?

Dee:Well, I'm not the one who's married. I didn't do anything wrong.

Dennis:Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, all this talk about marriage and Dee being such a whore has got me thinking... I never got a bachelor party.

Mac:Being married to Charlie's got me all confused. I got to get my hetero on.

Dennis:I like that move. What is that?

Charlie:That's it. Motorcycle?

Dennis:That's pretty... Yeah, not like that, though. It's pretty good, but you got to use... a little bit more shoulder.

Dennis:Now do I write the word 'too' or should I write the number two? What's the best way to do that when we're texting back and forth?

Stripper:Sorry. You have to be a couple for that.

Mac:We are a couple.

Charlie:documents.

Mac:I'm tightening the purse strings on this relationship until there's a little bit of give and take.

Dennis:'Miss you more.' That's classic Maureen right there. She's always got to one-up me 'Miss you most.' Most... can't get more than most, right? So that should... that should be the end of it, right?

Bill:Actually, I came clean to my wife. And she kicked me out of the house.

Dee:Ew. Ouch.

Dee:Yeah. Bet you wish you could take that one back.

Bill:Dee, I gave you a car.

Dee:You're gonna jam the car in my face, huh?

Maureen:That is not your room anymore. It is my craft studio, so kindly stay out of there.

Dennis:She turned it into her craft studio where she makes terrible sweatshirts out of cats or... puts cats in sweatshirts

Dennis:I don't love you, Maureen. I don't love you. I never loved you. You're annoying and you're strange.

Dennis:It's like her breath... Ugh! It's like always so bad. It's like a dead tooth. It's the dead tooth. I'm saying it now. I'll say it. You have a dead tooth.

Maureen:Oh, yeah? How about if you guys don't leave, I call the cops and I tell 'em you beat me?

Mac:Oh, shit, that's from... that's from Fear, dude. Oh, that's Marky Mark. That's Marky Mark. That's what Marky Mark does.

Bill:Sorry. Want to have sex?

Dee:What?! No, no! God, no! Please close your legs up.

Bill:I don't give a shit about the car, okay? My life is in ruins. I'm gonna lose my kids.

Dee:Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay, great, so we're in agreement. I keep the car.

Bill:I don't give a shit about the car, okay? My life is in ruins. I'm gonna lose my kids.

Dee:Okay, great, so we're in agreement. I keep the car.

Mac:You think it's gonna be that easy, dude?

Dennis:Well, yeah, of course. I mean, marriage and divorce these days, it's like a, it's more of a formality than anything else, you know?

Charlie:Nobody washes the dishes! We eat the food directly off the coffee table, and you know it!

Dee:It's coming up here. This... yeah, this is it right here. The Ponderosas' ponderosa.

Jack Kelly:I know they're very small. It's been very hard on me.

Charlie:You can have the hot plate.

Mac:Hot dog!

Jack:Now we're cooking with gas.

Mac:All I'm seeing is a series of drawings of elephants.

Jack:Oh, yeah. Well, Charlie did the elephant drawings.

Mac:Yeah, but... You should keep 'em.

Charlie:I did those for you, man.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say there's a lot of love in this room here.

Mac:Why did we have to do all the touching and the hand-holding if it was just...?

Charlie:It was fun.

Dee:I just kidnapped Bill Ponderosa's kids.

Dee:I just kidnapped Bill Ponderosa's kids.

All right, are the kids confined in any way, maybe in a crawl space or a backyard bunker?

Dee:No, they're out in the car.

Have you touched them yet?

Dee:Absolutely not.

Dee:I tell you what, I did not mean to kidnap them. That was all... that was all this guy.

Bill's wife:How much does he owe you?

Dee:What?

Bill's wife:How much does he owe you for the sex?

Dee:Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not a prostitute.

Bill's wife:Oh, well, congratulations. You're the only woman he didn't have to pay to sleep with.

Bill's Wife:How much does he owe you for the sex?

Dee:Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not a prostitute.

Bill's Wife:Oh, well, congratulations. You're the only woman he didn't have to pay to sleep with.

Charlie's uncle:Well, when I heard you were getting divorced, I-I felt compelled to involve myself.

Dennis:I'm sorry, how would you have heard that I was getting a...

Charlie's uncle:I was listening to you drunkenly explain all that at 3:00 a.m.

Jack:The pleasure is all mine.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Jack:The pleasure's... still...

Charlie's uncle:I use shea butter. Assorted lanolin products.

Charlie's uncle:Oh, I'm serious, you could be a hand model. You've got the goods.

Charlie's uncle:And you also acquired Ms. Ponderosa's debt.

Dennis:Whoo-hoo.

Dennis:What? You're in debt?

Maureen:Not anymore.

Charlie's uncle:But you are... about 90K.

Charlie:Uncle Jack, what the hell?!

Jack:I froze up.

Maureen:He's great.

Jack:And would it be okay if you put your hands on top of mine? Like they're my hands?

Mac:Sure, yeah.

Jack:Like that?

Mac:Yes.

Jack:Okay. That looks like my hands.

Jack Kelly:And would it be okay if you put your hands on top of mine? Like they're my hands? That looks like my hands.