Blind Date

Robot, kick him in the knees. Bears have weak knees. He should vibrate, 'cause the robot's full of radiation.

Save a little money for the rest of us. You can't spend a lot of money on bear suits that are only gonna be seen for 25 seconds.

You're trying to bring logic to the robot-bear sketch?

Who did my sudoku puzzle? I have been looking forward to this puzzle all morning.

I never have a free moment, Jack. Never, ever.

How does your life improve? Do the hands have money in them?

I can tell from your stress level that you have not been touched in quite some time... Not caressed, not massaged, not even groped on the subway.

I would think that a single woman's biggest worry would be choking to death alone in her apartment.

Poker night? Who plays? Really, that's all you got out of that?

I bluffed. Yes, I am coming.

Oh, my God, isn't Jack friends with Tom DeLay? Am I going on a date with Tom DeLay?

But if it is Tom DeLay and you do go home with him, be prepared for it to get weird.

I used to play all kinds of poker with my aunts... Crazy 7, Albuquerque Freak-Out, One-Card Stud. Yeah, I don't think those are real games.

Whatever. Get ready to get took.

No, I mean, if you were gonna go on a date with a woman, how would you want her to act? Like she was in a porn.

I want you to go out on your lunch hour and find something... in a women's clothing store.

You look like a fancy prostitute.

What up, Tra? This round, Texas Doozy. Face cards are wild, 3 is a jinx, 5s are 25.

Well, then you best go home and put on your daddy's shoes, boy. This is a man's game.

Oh, my God, my wedding ring. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My wife's gonna kill me!

Like, when Lutz here has a good hand, he stops eating.

Oh, really, is that what you think? Is that what I do? Am I doing that right now?

Kenneth, how long you been sitting there? I'm taking Pete's place, he's in the bathroom, laying in his own sick.

Oh, my God. He can't read Kenneth. He's a blank slate.

I think I have what they refer to as a royal flush.

Why would Jack just assume that we're lesbians? I am a lesbian.

He approaches everything the same way... Locate the problem, isolate the problem, set the problem up with a lesbian.

That's a pretty good joke for somebody from plastics. Well, I wasn't always in plastics. I used to work in water-process technologies, working mainly in primary metals. Oh, so you have a comedy background?

Your shoes. Well, I'm straight. Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

Did you know his middle name is Ellen? No, that's weird. Kenneth Ellen.

She thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh. Really, she said that? Yes, I made her repeat it. I was sure she meant Jason Lee.

Kenneth, it is diamonds.

You are a puzzle, Kenneth Ellen. And I'm going to solve you.

Present-day Linda Ronstadt. No, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Tootsie.

It was a lady!

You'd die, and they wouldn't find you until your neighbour's dog smelled you from the hallway.

Ever since I turned 30, every time I get in or out of the bathtub, I think in my head, 'Careful, careful.'

Made out of shrimp and diving into a bowl of shrimp.

So, hey, Dot Com, are we going to those three clubs tonight? You know, the doctor said I have four hearts in my body?

All clovers. I win.

We're just friends, like Oprah and Gayle. Why is that so hard for everybody to believe?

The guy obsessed with Charlie Chaplin. Neil. The one who played Halo under the name Slut Banger. Dennis. The gangly, red-haired guy who played guitar all the time. Conan.

What if I said to you, 'Go be with Frank now'? Ah, I would be honoured. Frank is a very tender, beautiful man.

He's awesome. You can't read his thoughts 'cause he doesn't have any.

Will you, little Kenneth Ellen Parcell from Stone Mountain, Georgia, growing up in your mama's tract house, dreaming of working on a TV show, dreaming of making it all the way to the NBC?

But you'll always be a pig farmer's son, boy, 'cause I smell fried bologna all over you.

I've got a 2, a 4, a 9, a 6, and a king. That means I win.

Why? Because I believe that life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And, also, people were yelling, and I got confused about the rules.

The Italians have a saying, Lemon. 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area, they are correct.

In five years, we'll all either be working for him... or be dead by his hand.

So, unless you're ready to make a big life change, I need to move on, find my Stedman. I thought I was Oprah in this metaphor. Also, you're gay, so that's a little confusing. You should say, like, 'my lady Stedman.'

It's just, if I try to imagine us being together, I think, 'Yeah, OK, this could be fun.' You know, picking out furniture and making flowerbeds out of old railroad ties. But the thing is, if I'm gonna be with someone, it has to be a guy. You sound pretty sure about that. What can I say? I love a bald spot and a hairy back.

What if we say that in, like, 25 years, if neither of us has someone, we'll move in together and be roommates? And even though I am not into the sex stuff, if it helps you, I would let you do stuff to me.

That's funny. That's what the guys always say.

I can see your wedding ring. Idiot.