Lawn Signs

Moira:It's just missing lawn signs

Moira:The signs have disappeared. Someone's taken them. It's a coordinated effort.

Johnny:Moira, the lawn service was here yesterday.

Moira:What does that have to do with anything?

Johnny:They mowed over them.

David:A sinister explanation? For missing signs?

Moira:Well, what if it's the wind?

David:The wind is not sinister, Mother.

Moira:You clearly haven't been paying attention to the wind.

Moira:I imagine they're thinking: 'I'll steal this sign, yes. No one will know it was me. I'll take it home, and I'll mount it above my mantelpiece, and when guests arrive, they'll say, "Where did you get that magnificent sign?" And I'll say, "Oh, I stole it from a woman in Schitt's Creek." And they'll say, "You're very brave and also very cool." And then I'll die, and my children will inherit the sign, and they'll tell their children, and it will become a family heirloom, and centuries from now, archeologists will unearth it and say, "This sign was very important to a very stupid person."'

Moira:Stolen? I don't appreciate the implication. Our family would never steal a sign. We would simply... relocate it to a place where it could be better appreciated.

Moira:Well, I suppose there is a silver lining. At least they imitated me enough to steal my sign.

Johnny:Oh yes, because nothing says 'fair playing field' like Jocelyn's billboards plastered all over town.

Roland:Well, little lady, I think what you're trying to say is that you appreciate a man who knows how to advertise himself.

Roland:She had signs?

Roland:You know what? I don't appreciate the insinuation. I'm a businessman, not a sign thief. But if you keep it up, I'll steal your sign just to prove a point.

Johnny:So what you're saying is that you're upset with me because I'm upset with you about you being upset with me?

Roland:Well, no, I'm upset because—

Johnny:Because I'm upset? Or because you're upset that I'm upset about your being upset?

Roland:Johnny, I don't—

Johnny:Because if it's the former, then you're being hypocritical. If it's the latter, then I have every right to be upset about your upset, which makes your upset about my upset completely invalid.

Johnny:I'm not going to tell anyone.

Johnny:Well, I might tell Moira. And David. And possibly Alexis. But that's it.

Wendy:David, I'm so sorry, but I have to let you go. It's just not working out.

David:What? Why? I thought things were going well.

Wendy:They were, but I've decided to make some changes. And honestly, letting you go was my best idea yet.

Wendy:I'm so broke, I had to cancel my membership to the Costco. And the gym. And apparently I was still paying for a hot yoga studio in Portland.

David:I can believe it. It's a terrible name. I've never understood why anyone would open a store called Blouse Barn. It sounds like a place where blouses go to die.

David Rose:I prefer to think of it as a gesture.

Moira Rose:A gesture? David, it's a legal settlement.

Wendy:At least it's not Arby's.

David:I have trouble with Australians. They're all just so... outdoorsy and confident. It's deeply unsettling.

David:You know, I've learned most of my business acumen from watching television.

David:Specifically, from watching people fail spectacularly on reality TV.

David:I have a question.

Johnny:The answer is no.

Johnny:It's been quite fun, actually. Going after these trademark violators, sending cease and desist letters. It's like a fun shakedown.

David:Okay, so hypothetically, you owned Blouse Barn.

Johnny:Well, first of all, I would change the name.

David:Of course you would.

Johnny:It's pedestrian. And the inventory system is a nightmare. You'd need to completely overhaul the supply chain, modernize the point-of-sale software, and frankly, the demographic you're targeting is aging out of the market.

Johnny:Ten thousand dollars for the name 'Blouse Barn'? That's... that's a lot of money.

Roland:Well, that's what I'm asking.

Johnny:You know what? Done. I'll take it.

Roland:Really? Just like that?

Johnny:Yes. The name is so terrible, I'm not going to get a better deal anywhere else.

Johnny:Were you fired?

David:I prefer the term 'professionally released.'

Johnny:You know, David, sometimes in life you just have to take a risk. Put yourself out there.

David:Thank you, that's... that's very helpful, Dad.

Twyla:Well, my grandmother had a similar experience. A bird flew into her window and died, and she said it was a sign that a ghost was trying to get into the house. So she boarded up all the windows and doors, and she lived in that house for three years without leaving. When they finally found her, she'd forgotten what the outside world looked like, and she spent the rest of her life thinking she was living in a log cabin in the woods. She wasn't. It was a split-level in Kitchener.

Jocelyn:Oh, I'd love to help with your campaign signs, Moira, but I actually can't because I'm supporting Roland.

Moira:Oh, well that's... that's very honest of you.

Jocelyn:Yeah, well, I want to win.

Alexis:I'm actually really good under pressure. Like, way better than David.

David:That's not true.

Alexis:It is! Remember when I accidentally started an international incident at that gala in Monaco? I handled that so well. The ambassador said I was 'composed.'

David:You caused an international incident.

Alexis:Exactly. And I was calm the whole time.

Alexis:Okay, so when you go into this negotiation, they're going to try to throw you off. They're going to say things that are designed to make you emotional or defensive.

David:Okay.

Alexis:So I'm going to practice with you. I'm going to say something really embarrassing, and you just have to stay calm and composed.

David:Fine. Go ahead.

Alexis:You still sleep with a humidifier that makes whale sounds.

David:Okay, that's not—how did you even—

Alexis:Stay composed!

David:I don't have a Cosmo Girl subscription.

Alexis:David, your eye does that thing where it twitches when you lie. You literally can't help yourself.

David:My eye does not twitch.

Alexis:Okay, well, if you ever need to lie about anything, just keep your eye very still, and don't move your mouth, and try not to move any other part of your body. Also, speak in a completely different voice.

Alexis:Her own clothes aren't intimidating enough

Alexis:Okay, Wendy, you just have to trust me. I've been in way more high-pressure situations than this. I once had to negotiate the seating arrangement at a royal wedding in Monaco, and let me tell you, one wrong move and people literally could have died.

Alexis:I'm not actually a lawyer. I just dress like one.

Wendy:What?

Alexis:Yeah, I got these clothes at a thrift store and people just started treating me differently. It's actually been really helpful.

Alexis:Hi, I'm Alexis Rose with Schitt's Creek Legal Associates.

Johnny:Well, we were going to use them, but then we realized the Rose Apothecary is more of a word-of-mouth business.

Johnny:There are signs, David. Signs everywhere. In the garbage. Little messages.

David:Dad, those are just... labels.

Johnny:No, no, no. You're not seeing the bigger picture. It's a coordinated effort. The manufacturers, the distribution centers, they're all in on it. They're leaving breadcrumbs for those of us who are paying attention.

David:In on what, exactly?

Johnny:That's what I'm trying to tell you! It's too big. If I say it out loud, they'll know I know.

David:You're using the same argument twice.

Alexis:No, I'm not. The first one was about the... um... habeas corpus, and the second one was about the... double jeopardy.

David:Those are the exact same argument.

Alexis:Well, I'm very confident in both of them, so...

David:You can't have 'catering' as a separate line item from 'meals.' They're the same thing.

Johnny:Moira, did you take down your own real estate signs?

Moira:I prefer to think of it as a calculated strategic withdrawal. It's a sophisticated tactic used by the most discerning real estate professionals.

Johnny:You took down your own signs.

Moira:Yes, well, scarcity breeds desire. When clients can't find the property, they want it more.

Moira:Well, it's a very simple strategy. I create a scandal, deny it vehemently, then I come back with an even bigger scandal that makes everyone forget about the first one. It's foolproof.

Moira:I once played a woman on a soap opera who stole her own baby to frame her sister. By the time anyone figured out it was her baby, she'd already burned down the family mansion, so nobody cared about the baby anymore.

Johnny:A soap opera? That's ridiculous.

Moira:Well, it should work like a soap opera. If I don't like what's happening, I should be able to just not show up for six months and have everything reset when I come back.

Moira:How could you accuse Roland of such a thing? Do you have any idea how that makes us look? We are not sign thieves, Johnny. We are many things—eccentric, yes; financially ruined, certainly—but we are not common criminals.

Alexis:Wait, are those shoes Ferragamo? Because if you're wearing Ferragamo, you can definitely afford better lawyers.

David:Well, that's marginally better than 'Rose Apothecary: A Place Where Dreams Go to Die.'

Alexis:So you're telling me I can't use my own name? That's literally insane.

David:The trademark was filed in 1987. You were born in 1986.

Alexis:Well what am I supposed to call myself? Wendy?

David:That's actually worse.

Alexis:We have another meeting to get to.

David:We're already in our store.

Jocelyn:Well, Roland says the town council approved all of his signs, but between you and me, Roland may have donated to their campaign.

Jocelyn:The campaign stress has really gotten to me. I said 'effing' yesterday.

Jocelyn:I've been having some stress symptoms lately. My doctor says I need to watch less television, but honestly, I think it's just one show in particular that's really affecting me.

Jocelyn:It's The Great British Bake Off. I get so emotionally invested in these bakers, and when someone gets eliminated, I just fall apart.

Jocelyn:I've been having heart palpitations, insomnia, and I cried during a children's cooking show yesterday.

Moira:Well, I suppose I've won by default. How deliciously anticlimactic. I had such elaborate plans for my victory speech.

Jocelyn:I just can't do this anymore, Moira. I'm dropping out.

Moira:Jocelyn, darling, you're giving up? After I've spent weeks perfecting my acceptance remarks and securing a tiara rental?

David:I'm going to stop you right there. When you say 'big check,' I'm assuming you mean an actual check, and not one of those oversized novelty checks that people inexplicably find charming.

Johnny:You could accomplish a lot in four years on the town council.

Moira:Four years?!

Moira:I don't even commit to a skincare routine for four years.

David:I'm sorry, what? Save? I don't understand what you're asking me to do with this word.

Johnny:I do my own nails.

Moira:What?

Johnny:I do my own nails. There, I said it.