Health Care

Michael:Michael singing 'Pam! Pamela, Pamelamela Ding Dong! Making copies.'

Michael · Pam:Michael: 'Messages, date, lots to do lots to do... Information superhighway!' — performing busyness theatrically to Pam who is visibly unimpressed.

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'The most sacred thing I do is care, and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money...'

Michael:Michael: 'Does that make me their doctor? ... Yes... In a way... Yeah, like a specialist.'

Michael · Jan:Michael insists the 'gold plan' includes acupuncture; Jan tells him she's not even on that plan; Michael says 'Well I recommend it, it's very good.'

Michael:Michael: 'It's not gonna be a popular decision around the old orifice.'

Michael · Jan:Michael calls picking a healthcare plan 'a suicide mission' to Jan's face, expecting sympathy.

Michael · Jan:Jan: 'Yeah, when have you ever done that?' Michael: 'I'm doing it right now. To you.'

Michael · Jan:Michael: 'Last night on Trading Spouses... have you seen it?' Jan: 'No, I have a life.' Michael: 'Interesting, what's that like?'

Michael · Jan:Jan: 'You should try it sometime.' Michael: 'But then who would watch my TV?'

Michael · Dwight:Michael delegates the healthcare decision to Dwight, saying 'I'm having an unbelievably busy day' — then Dwight's reaction is pure excitement: 'Gosh! Yeah! That is a great offer!'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'Anytime Michael asks me to do anything I just tell him that Dwight should do it.'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight's first question upon being given managerial power: 'How many people can I fire?'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Ok we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'm gonna need an office.'

Dwight · Michael:The 'office vs. workspace' argument — Dwight insists the conference room is an 'office'; when Michael says it's a workspace, Dwight immediately says 'bigger than his!' referring to Michael's office.

Michael:Michael's talking head on Dwight: 'If Dwight fails and that is strike too and good for me, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one would be prouder than I am. I've groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails and, talked about that already.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is: How, I hurt my leg... I can't run, a lion eats me, and I'm dead.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead!'

Pam:Pam reads off the gutted health plan in a flat monotone: 'There's no dental, there's no vision, there is a 1200 dollar deductible.'

Michael · Pam:Michael calls Pam from his office — 'Pam, Michael Scott, how's tricks? Where are you?' Pam: 'Oh, I'm in my office, I am swamped.'

Michael · Pam:Pam tells Michael people are upset; Michael immediately pretends to get another call to escape the conversation: 'Pam, I'm sorry I'm sorry, I, I, I got to go I'm getting a call.' Pam: 'No you're not.'

Michael:Michael: 'I'm unreachable. I'm incommunicado capisce?' — then immediately after hanging up: 'Still no one calling.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight to Pam entering his workspace: 'Uh, knock, please. Please knock, this is an office.' / 'If it's the same thing, then why'd you write workspace?'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight on cutting healthcare: 'Times are tough, Pam, deal with it.' Pam: 'You cut more than you had to, didn't you?' Dwight: 'Sure.'

Dwight · Pam:Dwight: 'Don't need it, never been sick, perfect immune system.' Pam: 'Ok well if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.' Dwight: 'I don't need them, superior genes. I'm a Schrute.'

Kevin · Angela:Kevin: 'He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom.' Angela: 'Kevin, that's inappropriate!'

Michael · Jim:Michael peeks out his office door at Jim with pathetic hope: 'Michael can I talk to you?' Michael: 'I would like to, but I'm really busy, rain check?'

Michael:Michael announces there will be 'a big surprise' at the end of the day — clearly improvised with zero actual plan behind it.

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! Doesn't matter, the point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking: Wow! My boss really cares about me. He has a surprise, he's cool. What a great guy, I love him. I love him.'

Michael:Michael's internal monologue about what employees are thinking: 'What a great guy, I love him. I love him.'

Dwight:Dwight's solution to confidential medical submissions: have everyone write their diseases anonymously on slips of paper. 'Or don't write any disease down at all, and they won't be covered.'

Michael:Michael sneaks out of the office claiming 'meetings' — and the camera follows him out to watch him clearly going somewhere random as part of his 'busy day.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Couldn't find the knock.' — after being caught without knocking on his own workspace door.

Michael:Michael's plan for a surprise: Atlantic City — he believes the casino sends a free bus, free hotel, free chips, 'everything just kind of an all-inclusive free kind of weekend.' Travel agent: 'I don't know of anything like that.'

Jim:Jim and co-worker inventing fake diseases for the form. Jim: 'Don't write Ebola, or mad cow disease. All right? Cause I'm suffering from both of them.' Then: 'So let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?'

Jim:'Spontaneous dentohydroplosion.'

Michael:Michael calling a coal mine to see if employees can ride the mining elevator as a treat: 'I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.'

Michael:Coal mine contact: 'You mean the elevator that takes you down in the mine shaft? It's not really a ride. It says here it's a 300-foot drop.' Michael: 'So it's not a free fall?' Contact: 'It's an industrial coal elevator.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Ok so I don't know what the surprise is, am I worried? Nooo. No way. You see I thrive on this. This is my world, this is improv, this is Whose Line Is It Anyway.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'Damn it! Damn it! Jim!' — Michael realizes Jim has prank-locked him in the office.

Jim · Dwight:Dwight: 'Government-created killer nano-robot infection.' Jim co-worker: 'It's an epidemic.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Count Choculitis.' Dwight to Jim: 'Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim locks Dwight in the conference room using Dwight's own keys — 'Those are my keys.' Jim: 'Good luck.' — Dwight screams 'Jim! Damn it!'

Jim · Dwight · Michael:Jim answers Michael's frantic calls with 'Jim Halpert' in a professional phone voice while Michael screams to be let out; then Dwight calls, threatens to fire Jim; Jim: 'No you can't fire me'; Dwight: 'Yes I can, I'm manager for the day.'

Jim · Dwight:Dwight threatens to fire Jim; Jim says he can't; Dwight: 'Yes I can, I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.' Jim: 'Ok, can you hold on one second, I'm getting a bip.'

Jim · Pam · Michael:The Pam/Jim call while Michael screams in the background: both of them having a cheerful normal conversation about the weekend and shoe shopping while Michael is audible and frantic.

Dwight · Jan:Dwight calls Jan to get permission to fire Jim — using Michael's cell phone.

Dwight · Jan:Jan: 'Dwight, listen to me very carefully, you are not a manager of anything. Understand?' Dwight: 'That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan.'

Dwight · Jan:After Jan says no to firing Jim: 'Please don't use my cell phone ever again.' Dwight: 'This is your cell? I thought this was your off—'

Michael:Michael distributes ice cream sandwiches as the 'non-surprise': 'Everybody, ice cream sandwiches!' Hands them out with excessive ceremony.

Michael · Ryan:Michael: 'Hey, temp, why don't you take two. Because you don't get healthcare, and faster metabolism.'

Michael:Employee: 'This isn't the big surprise is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.' Michael: 'Nope, nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, because you didn't expect it. But you'll know it when you see it.'

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'I tried being rational. Ok, and what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate.'

Dwight:Dwight reads aloud anonymous disease submissions: 'Number one: inverted penis.'

Meredith · Dwight:Meredith: 'Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.' Dwight: 'I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.' Meredith: 'A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.'

Dwight · Angela:Dwight: 'Ok great. Germatitus. Thank you Angela, I'll make sure that's covered.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Ok now, who wrote this hysterical one? Anal fissures.' Someone: 'That's a real thing.' Dwight: 'Yeah but no one here has it.' Long pause — someone clearly has it.

Michael · Jim:Michael to Jim: 'Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.' — revealing Michael has completely forgotten that he delegated to Dwight specifically to avoid blame.

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Cuts? What? Dwight, did you make cuts?' Dwight: 'Yeah, you said go in and—' Michael: 'No no no no no. I said nothing specific because I was so busy.'

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five and... What time is it? What time is it?' Jim: 'It's after five.' Michael: 'It's awful.'

Michael:Michael discovers it's after 5pm and the plan deadline has passed: 'I wish I had time to change it, but... Jan needs it by five and... What time is it? What time is it?' Employee: 'It's after five.' Michael: 'It's awful.'

Michael · Angela:Angela reminds Michael of the surprise. Michael stalls, asks what everyone thinks the surprise is. Employee: 'We all think you don't have a surprise.' Michael: 'All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improv from the greats, like... Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.'

Michael:Michael: 'Robin Williams, oh man, would I love to go head to head with him. That would be exciting! Hi, I'm Mork from Ork. Well, I'm Bork for Smork. Anounanouzoubliblublu.'

Pam:Final line after Michael's improv performance: 'Jan wants you to call her.'