Happy Anniversary

Johnny:Kids, I want you to wish your mother a happy anniversary.

David:Happy anniversary, Mom.

Alexis:Yeah, happy anniversary.

Johnny:With a little more enthusiasm, perhaps?

David:HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MOM!

Alexis:Happy anniversary! We're so glad you married Dad!

Alexis:Wait, you guys are celebrating your anniversary? That's so sweet. How many years has it been?

Johnny:Twenty-seven years.

Alexis:Oh my God, that's amazing. So you guys are basically due for a divorce then, right?

Johnny:The Bloomfields throw anniversary parties every year. It's their thing.

Moira:How... quaint. Though I suppose when you've been together that long, you run out of conversation topics and resort to celebrating the fact that you haven't murdered each other.

Johnny:Well, they seem happy.

David:Yes, Dad. That's what happens when you marry someone who isn't your cousin.

Moira:'I just don't understand what kind of family skinny dips together.'

David:Well, that's depressing.

Alexis:What? They're being sweet.

David:They're treating love like an achievement to be congratulated. Next, they'll be asking us to show them our participation trophies.

Johnny:Well, at least they're not as inappropriate as your mother.

Moira:Excuse me?

Johnny:I'm just saying, the kids were sweet. They tried.

Roland:I got something for you.

Johnny:Oh, that's very kind of you, Roland, but that's really not necessary.

Roland:I'm telling you anyway.

Roland:I got us a table at that fancy restaurant you've been wanting to go to. My treat.

Johnny:Really? That's very generous of you, Roland. What's the—wait, is this because you need something from me?

Roland:I've arranged a very exclusive dinner for you at the finest restaurant in town.

Roland:I pulled some strings, called in a favor. We're talking VIP treatment.

Roland:I got a two-for-one coupon.

Johnny:Thank God. I was dreading that dinner.

David:You were popular in high school?

Stevie:Yeah, I was actually pretty popular.

David:But you look like that.

David:Well, I'm looking at your yearbook photo, and I can see why the boys were interested. Though I have to say, based on the number of signatures from girls saying 'You were so fun!' and 'Best summer ever!' with little hearts, I'm sensing your appeal may have been somewhat broader.

Stevie:What? That's just how people wrote in yearbooks.

David:Mm-hmm. And yet, I'm not seeing this level of enthusiasm in the boys' section.

David:Well, my headshot got me a television role.

Stevie:Really? That's great.

David:Yes, it was a crime reenactment show.

Stevie:Oh. So not actual acting then.

David:My performance was so convincing people thought I was the real victim.

Stevie:That was a really convincing performance.

David:Thank you. I was actually abducted by aliens.

Stevie:No, you weren't.

David:No, I wasn't. But it was a really effective way to have sex with people.

Stevie:No, stay. No, actually, yes. Leave now.

David:You know, Stevie, I've been thinking about what you said, and I really don't think it was that bad.

Stevie:David.

David:No, I'm serious. I mean, yes, perhaps my tone was a bit off, but the content was—

Stevie:You were terrible.

David:Oh. You're... you're serious right now?

Stevie:Very.

David:Well, I appreciate your honesty, and I'm glad we could have this conversation, and I will certainly take what you've said into consideration moving forward.

David:So Mutt's throwing a party? That's... nice. I mean, I wasn't invited, obviously, because I have my own things going on. Very important things. But good for him. Parties are fine. I don't need to go to parties to validate my social standing or anything like that.

David:I can't possibly go to Mutt's party. I have a previous engagement that simply cannot be rescheduled. It's a matter of utmost importance.

Stevie:Let me guess, you're washing your hair?

Johnny:Happy anniversary. I got you flowers.

Moira:Flowers? Johnny, these are the same flowers you get me every year.

Johnny:You love flowers.

Moira:I love *gestures* — I love grand romantic gestures. I love being surprised. I love feeling like you've put thought into something.

Johnny:I did put thought into it. I thought, 'Moira loves flowers.'

Moira:Well, you thought wrong.

Moira:Oh, how romantic! A candlelit dinner. You know, it reminds me of that scene in Beauty and the Beast, except instead of Mrs. Potts pouring the tea, it's me pouring hot wax on your chest while you call me 'Mistress.'

Moira:Well, that's quite impressive, considering you called them this afternoon.

Bev:Oh my God, is that the Hendersons? I heard they lost everything in the market crash. How are they even alive?

David:Mom, they're right there.

Bev:I know, that's what I'm saying — it's remarkable.

Stevie:I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those ice cubes are from like three months ago.

David:What? How is that possible?

Stevie:The ice maker's been broken since you got here. I've just been refreezing the same water.

David:I'm aware of the ice situation, thank you. When you're making cocktails with a blender that sounds like it's auditioning for a horror film, you take certain liberties with the ice cube situation.

David:Hi, I'm David Rose.

Jake:Well hello there, David Rose. I'm Jake. And I have to say, you are absolutely stunning.

David:Oh. Thank you. I... that's very kind of you to say.

David:Your hair looks different today.

Stevie:I didn't wash it. I'm not going to apologize for that.

Stevie:Well, I can see both shores, so...

Moira:Is that my bison?

Don:Your bison? It's been here for years.

Moira:Well, it's a very distinctive bison.

Bev:It's just a coat rack now, Moira.

Moira:A coat rack? That's a mounted bison!

Don:It's holding coats.

Bev:So these grown wealthy men are crawling through the dog door at Izzy's house.

Johnny:I need some time alone to think.

Jocelyn:But you just said you wanted to spend the afternoon with us.

Johnny:Yes, well, that was before I realized I needed to be alone. You see, when one reaches a certain level of sophistication, solitude becomes a necessity rather than a preference.

Tennessee:Alexis, your hair is like a golden waterfall of sophistication cascading down your shoulders like a wealthy mermaid who won the lottery and decided to become a shampoo commercial.

Alexis:A poem? I'm a poem. That's... that's sweet. A little poem. Not a big poem, just a little one. Like, a haiku-sized poem. A poem you'd find in a greeting card next to a picture of a cat in a tiny hat.

Alexis:You're like a... a gazelle. But like, a smart gazelle. With better hair. And you smell like expensive cologne, which is good because some people smell like cheap cologne, which is just sad. But you don't. You smell like... confidence? Is that a smell? Anyway, you're great.

Alexis:I'm so sorry, what was your name again?

Tennessee:Tennessee.

Alexis:Right, Tennessee. That's such a... unique name.

Tennessee:Thanks.

Alexis:I mean, it's really lucky you're as pretty as you are, because that name is absolutely ridiculous.

Moira:Well, we're currently residing in a charming boutique establishment. It's very... intimate. The rooms are quite compact, which is very European. And the amenities are, shall we say, rustic in their authenticity. There's a wonderful homogeneity to the decor—everything matches because it's all the same, you see. The plumbing has character. Real character. You can hear it singing at all hours.

Johnny:We have 8 rooms available.

Moira:Well, when I describe it to people, I usually say we have closer to 12.

Johnny:We have 8 rooms.

Moira:Yes, but 12 sounds better.

Moira:Of course, we have an extensive staff to maintain the property.

Johnny:Yes, quite a large operation.

Bev:How many people work for you?

Moira:Well, there's... one.

Johnny:And he's adequate.

Don:We drove through this town once. Worst place you've ever seen.

Bev:Absolute dump. Nothing there. Who would ever live there?

Don:I mean, what kind of person settles in a place like that?

Johnny · Jocelyn:Johnny's reaction to the coupon: 'Don't know what that means.' — Jocelyn: 'He's so ironic, this one.'

Don:Schittsville? What kind of name is Schittsville?

Don:It looks like someone sneezed out a town.

Alexis:You seemed so cool after we broke up.

Ted:I was crying so much it frightened the animals at the vet clinic.

Ted:I went to this couples resort alone, and I ended up getting life advice from a zip line instructor.

Jake:David? What are you doing here alone?

David:I'm eating my feelings. Which, given my current emotional state, explains the portion size.

Jake:Do you shame eat?

David:Where would I even start?

Don:This wine is absolutely undrinkable. The nose is all wrong, the finish is thin, and the body is completely absent.

Roland:Well, I just pick the one with the highest alcohol content. Gets the job done.

Don:This wine is absolutely ghastly. The nose is nonexistent, the palate is thin, and the finish is abrupt.

Roland:Well, it gets you drunk, doesn't it?

David:You know, I've been thinking about our friendship, and I realize it's completely conditional. The moment things got difficult, you disappeared.

Johnny:That's not fair. I was there for you.

David:Were you? Or were you just there when it was convenient? When it made you look good?

Johnny:You're being ridiculous.

David:Am I? Name one time you went out of your way for me when there was nothing in it for you.

Johnny:You know, Roland and Jocelyn have been nothing but kind to us since we arrived in this town. When our friends from the city heard about our situation, they scattered like rats. But these people—they've opened their homes, their hearts. I won't have them disrespected.

Johnny:Roland, that was very generous of you to pick up the bill.

Roland:Oh, I didn't pick up the bill. I just didn't pay my half.

Johnny:Yes, well, we actually live here now.

David:I did woodworking in high school.

David:Well, I witnessed a horrific accident in woodworking class.

David:I just think it's important to establish a baseline of emotional availability before we engage in any sort of physical intimacy. I have a very specific skincare routine that takes about forty-five minutes, and I need to know if you're comfortable with that level of commitment.

Jake:Do you want to get dinner?

David:Where were you?

Alexis:I was at this really sketchy part of town, and I didn't want to offend any of the drug dealers, so I just smiled and waved at everyone.

Stevie:Wait, Jake is into you?

David:Yes, he looked at me a certain way.

Stevie:What way?

David:A way that suggested he wanted to do things to me. Specific things. Crude things.

Stevie:Did he say any words?

David:No, but his eyes were very loud.

David:I kissed Jake Champ.

Stevie:Yeah, I know. He told me.

David:What? No, he didn't.

Stevie:He did. He said it was nice.

David:Well, he's lying.

David:Jake likes me more than you. I can prove it.

Patrick:How?

David:I'll ask him who he'd rather have go down on him.

Alexis:Oh my God, are you guys high right now?

Johnny:No, no, no. Alexis, keep your voice down.

Alexis:You're high! You're both high!

Johnny:We are not high. We just... we had some of Mutt's special brownies, and we may have miscalculated the dosage.

Alexis:Oh my God!

Johnny:Alexis, please. Your mother is having a very important conversation with a squirrel right now, and I would appreciate it if you didn't draw attention to us.

Johnny:We're going to have a family bonding experience. We're going to dance together.

David:Dad, no.

Johnny:Yes. Come on, get up. Let's dance as a family.

Moira:I'm not dancing.

Johnny:You are all going to dance with me right now, and you're going to like it.

Moira:You are the most extraordinary man. Your presence in my life has fundamentally altered the trajectory of my existence in ways that defy articulation.

Johnny:Moira, just say 'I love you.'

Moira:I love you.

Johnny:'And that town you passed through — it's not called Schittsville. It's called Schitt's Creek. And it's where we live.'

Stevie · Jake:Stevie/David competition over Jake — 'Do you drink red wine or white wine?' — Jake: 'I'm more of a beer guy.'

David:David's woodworking anecdote: 'Christie McFadden accidentally nailed her hand to her paper towel holder, so the lesson is just not to nail stuff...'

Stevie · Jake:Oh, you work retail as well? / No, no. The wood shop. I make furniture.

Jake · David:Jake: 'I'm a pretty open-minded guy. So why don't you stop by the shop sometime?'

David:David's triumphant 'I knew it!' reaction after Jake leaves.

Alexis:The 'townies were trying to get us high and we didn't want to offend them because they're doing so well in life.'

Mutt:'Actually, those boys did burn a bridge last summer. Luckily they don't get as bored as they used to.'

Stevie · David:Stevie reveals she kissed Jake: 'I kissed him too.' — David: 'Well, that didn't happen.' Stevie: 'Who's to say?'

Stevie · David:So Jake... is into me. / Is he? / Yeah! / What makes you think that? / Because we just necked out behind the barn.

Stevie · David:David: 'When would you have had time to do that?' — Stevie: 'Did he invite you to his wood shop? Sorry, that came out wrong.'

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:'Smells like grass in here.' — 'Oh my God!' 'Oh my God!'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny's 'Okay, this is not okay! What are you guys doing here?!' — Moira: 'Shhhh! For once in your life, Shhhh!'

Johnny · Moira · David:Johnny announces 'Tonight we are dancing as a family.' — David: 'What is happening?'

Moira · Johnny:Moira's speech: 'Do you know your father and I hold great affection for the two of you? It may not always be obvious, but—' — Johnny: 'Just say it, Moira!'

David · Alexis:After Moira finally says 'We love you both very much' — David and Alexis respond with flat, unemotional 'Love you too' in unison.