Niagara

Jim:Jim talking head: 'A three-ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so badass.'

Phyllis:Phyllis: 'Now this is getting ridiculous. Oh gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all voted for you to get pregnant.'

Creed:Creed: 'I reserve the right to peel my hardboiled eggs at my desk.'

Dwight:Dwight talking head: 'All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars, and I am not stopping for anybody.'

Toby:Toby talking head: 'Watching people get sick always makes me sick. And...well, frankly, so does talking about it, so...' [trails off]

Jim · Dwight:Jim's face/reaction when he sees what Dwight did — Dwight apparently decorated Jim's body or clothing, spending 'all morning' on it. Jim's resigned 'Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our-- no, it's great.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin objects to no firecrackers at the wedding. Michael: 'So you're gonna provide them then?' Kevin: 'No, this is a firecracker-free wedding.' Kevin: 'What the hell?'

Angela:Angela: 'Well, you're lucky to have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmother.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight pinches Jim as he's leaving — Jim reports 'He pinched me' to camera

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'What happens in Niagara stays in Niagara.' Then immediately claims Dwight stole his joke when Dwight says the same thing.

Michael:Michael's voicemail slip: 'I will see you up here in Viagra falls.'

Dwight:Dwight talking head: He stole Jim's guest list and 'search-engined every female on both sides of the family' as a wedding pickup strategy

Dwight · Michael:Dwight's intel on Pam's cousin Jocelyn: she was selling a mountain bike two years ago and 'is really into mountain biking but not so much lately'

Kevin:Kevin talking head about his wedding outfit: 'People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office, but I'm going to turn that around at this wedding... the hair. It's the hair.'

Michael · Andy:Michael asks if someone wants to sit up front with him. Andy: 'Nah, this is so much cooler. We feel like we're in a limo and you're our driver.'

Michael:Michael about Erin: 'Not only is Erin really sweet and cute... She smells like my mom.'

Jim · Pam:Jim's 'mental picture' bit: Pam's aunt's advice about taking mental pictures, Jim tries it, 'Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever. What a lousy picture.'

Hotel Guest:Hotel guest who reserved the honeymoon suite the night before says: 'Hey. Got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed.'

Jim:Jim's reaction to the 'break in the bed' comment: 'I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please.'

Dwight:Dwight's hotel reservation: Confirmation number 'Romeo, Tango, G, 7-7-4-5' and a pre-negotiated 'room with two safes'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight's room-switch manipulation: He lies about the reservation being under 'M. Scott,' gets Michael excited, then reveals it was a 'test' — and Michael failed by being unwilling to share.

Michael:Michael's excuse for not sharing: 'If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's gonna get turned off if she looks in the bathroom and she sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'You must pass the dungeon wisdom test. It worked. When Mary was denied a room at the inn, Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens, because that story hasn't been told yet.'

Stanley · Michael:Stanley's reaction to Michael asking to share his queen bed: 'A queen-size bed is five feet wide. I am not five-feet wide, Michael.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael: 'A queen-size bed is five feet wide. I am not five-feet wide, Michael.' / Stanley: 'I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful.'

Michael:Michael: 'I'm not a physics major, Stanley.' [in response to Stanley's math about the bed]

Ryan · Kelly · Michael:Michael asks Ryan and Kelly to share their room. Ryan: 'Oh, gross.' Kelly: 'Blow my brains out.'

Toby · Michael:Toby offers Michael his extra twin bed, then adds: 'You are going to be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you should just get used to it.'

Jim's Father:Jim's dad: Meemaw is 'the only 80-year-old with no smile wrinkles'

Michael:Michael to Jim and Pam: 'That is seriously going to impede my ability to hook up with your female relatives.' Then: 'Pretty sure everybody heard that. Didn't move my lips.'

Meemaw · Pam:Meemaw to Pam: 'I wasn't sure about your branch of the family after I heard about your parents' divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you.' Pam: 'Thank you. But nobody's perfect.' Meemaw: 'Well, I wouldn't care to live if I thought that.'

Pam's Father · Jim's Father:Pam's father introduces his girlfriend Kristy, who is clearly very young. Jim's dad asks 'This your niece?' — Pam's dad: 'No, she's my girlfriend.'

Dwight:Dwight to Jim's young nephew: Explains at length why Jim is his boss despite Dwight being smarter — 'Because while I was busy trying to improve the company, Jim, the bad man, was busy kissing the boss man's butt.'

Oscar · Kevin · Penny:Pam introduces Kevin, but Kevin's sister-in-law Penny thought his name was 'Gill' — and she assumed he was Oscar's boyfriend. Oscar: 'You thought I was dating this?'

Oscar · Kevin · Penny:Oscar: 'I'm not gay. I'm Kevin.' Then: 'Are you seeing anyone right now?' Oscar: 'She has a boyfriend. He's out of town.' 'Cool. Thank you.'

Meredith · Dwight · Jim:Meredith has switched place cards to sit at the young people's table; Dwight casually reveals he switched his card with Erin's to sit at the head table.

Michael · Jim:Michael at the head table: 'Head table. Where I belong.' Jim: 'It's just for family.' Michael: 'I know.'

Dwight:Dwight identifies Isabel Poreba: 'In 1996, her 10th grade volleyball team went 10 and 2.'

Michael:Michael's wedding toast pickup strategy: 'right, so I'll be like, you're so sweet, guys, and so kind, and that's when I'll do the face like — like what? Right. And then we'll just give 'em a little punch to the back. A noogie.'

Andy:Pam's brothers' toast talking head: 'They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me up there.'

Pam's Brothers:Pam's brothers' toast about Pam: 'Pam, you've got the greatest smile, and your body is really fine. Smoking.'

Michael:Michael's 'freestanding comedy' toast: begins with 'What is the deal with the smart car?' doing a Seinfeld impression, including 'I drive a smart car' and concluding that KITT from Knight Rider and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang are smarter cars

Andy:Andy responds to Pete's toast with 'Douche. Ah, thanks, Pete. That was really nice.'

Jim · Pam:Jim's rehearsal dinner toast: confesses he knows how to make a photocopy and that teaching him to drive stick 'took a year' — Pam: 'I've been driving stick since high school.' Jim: 'Very nice.'

Jim · Wedding Guests:Jim's toast accidentally reveals Pam's pregnancy: 'if you'd all raise your glasses — not Pam, for obvious reasons.' 'What's obvious?' 'Why can't Pam drink?'

Jim:Jim's attempted cover: 'She can do whatever she wants. Though she shouldn't. She shouldn't, because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true.'

Michael:Michael's rescue speech: 'They had an accident, and you know what? These two people, they're living together. They are having lots of consensual sex.'

Michael:Michael continues: 'And you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time, because, frankly, it's just a different sensation... it's not necessarily different for the woman, but it is different—'

Michael:Michael's parting shot: 'My point is, I said what I wanted to say, and, Meemaw, I hope you heard every word.'

Meemaw:Meemaw talking head: 'I should have known. The hotel's television set had a movie on called Bruno last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, I couldn't turn it off. So I had to just sit there while it happened to me.'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'I think it was a little touch and go at first, but we saved it, I believe.' Pam: 'I can't believe it was me.' Jim: 'I know. I can't believe it was you, either.' Jim: 'I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.'

Pam · Jim:Pam: 'Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?' Jim: 'I have not found that to be the case.'

Michael:Michael: 'Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me.' [giddy at Jim's mistake]

Andy · Michael · Dwight:Andy: 'Meemaw's not coming to the wedding. She's leaving tomorrow morning.' Michael: 'Oh my god. Are you serious?' Dwight: 'There's gonna be a free room?'

Meemaw · Michael:Meemaw on the phone: 'Oh, you're that foul man that kept talking about intercourse.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'I'm actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandmother. And then she met Harriet, and now she thinks she's better than everybody.'

Michael:Michael tries to get Meemaw to 'chill out' about Pam's pregnancy: 'It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage. And I think we need to celebrate that.'

Michael:Michael to Meemaw: 'And I know in your day she would be considered a whore, but now women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them. And we need to encourage that.'

Meemaw · Michael:Meemaw: 'People are like cats and dogs these days.' Michael: 'Exactly.' Meemaw: 'This used to be such a great country.' Michael: 'I know. I don't know what happened to it.'

Michael · Meemaw:Michael tells Meemaw they're naming the baby after her — 'Meemaw.' Meemaw: 'You mean Sylvia.' Michael: 'Yes. And if it's a boy, they will call it Sylvio.'

Michael:Michael's hotel party announcement: 'Par-tay. Room 639. Chicks are gonna be off the hook. Guys too, Oscar. Like Calvin Klein models.'

Kevin:Kevin talking head: 'No one from the office has been to a real beer throw-down. If I was a girl, I would seriously reconsider coming to this party. But don't tell them that I said that, 'cause I want them there.'

Dwight · Michael · Oscar:Dwight's hotel bar outfit described as looking like he's 'going to a fish fry.' Dwight's explanation: 'No, they're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women. Because of howling during sex.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar: 'There's no such thing as a good hairpiece.' Michael: 'Yeah, but that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice.'

Dwight · Michael · Isabel:Dwight worrying about Mose having to geld horses alone. Michael: 'Dwight, shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.' Isabel: 'Wait, you're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have?'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Nine and three quarters.' [horses he owns]

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up — I bawled the entire time. I cannot watch Pixar.' Jim and Pam try to stop him: 'Drop this one. Abort.' Michael: 'Why?' Jim: 'I found twins.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Aren't they magnificent?' [about male twins] Dwight: 'They're men, Dwight.' Michael: 'I love finding a good set of twins.' Dwight: 'Something's wrong with you.'

Meredith · Andy · Michael:Meredith dancing wildly at the hotel bar — others: 'Yeah, Meredith! Nice moves!' 'You call that a robot? Try being more robotic, okay? Like this.'

Andy · Pam:Andy does a split on the dance floor and screams — then: 'I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket. I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital.'

Andy · Pam:Andy: 'Andy, I'm getting married in eight hours.' Andy: 'Everyone else is too drunk.' Andy: 'Just don't let me die here.'

Jim · Pam:Jim learns Pam is taking Andy to the hospital: 'He tore his scrotum dancing.' Jim: 'What?' Pam: 'Is in my room, icing his balls.' Jim: 'What?' Pam: 'Please stop saying what.'

Jim · Michael · Dwight:Jim's bar companions mock him: 'It's after midnight. You're married. He's married!' Jim: 'Oh, that's not how that works.'

Michael · Jim:Michael imitates Pam as a nagging wife: 'Jim, take the baby to the zoo, 'cause I want to sit at home and eat bonbons and clip my toenails... Jim, hey, why don't you braid my hair? I want to watch TV.' Jim: 'Now you sound like Kermit.'

Andy · Pam:Pam driving Andy to the hospital: 'Well, at least slow down a little bit, because every little bump in the road is major pain on... my scrotum.'

Andy:Andy: 'Well, it's also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding, so...' [justifying his dance injury as 'doing Pam's job']

Jim:Jim talking head: 'I just spent the night with the bride the night before the wedding. Oh yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom, so...'

Jim · Andy:Jim: 'Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night?' Andy: 'No. No, that was real.'

Kevin · Hotel Manager:Kevin's shoes were destroyed overnight by the hotel. Hotel manager: 'When the bag was opened by our shoeshine, the smell overcame him. I, too, smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away.' Kevin: 'But that was my only pair of shoes.' Manager: 'It became a safety issue, sir.'

Dwight · Isabel:Dwight talking head morning after: Michael ate 'a whole bunch of sunflower seeds' after Dwight fell asleep — but then: 'I wouldn't want to take you away from Pam on the morning of her wedding. She needs you, Isabel.'

Dwight · Michael:Michael is jealous/probing about Dwight's hookup: 'She made love like a tiger.' Michael: 'Bride side or groom side? Or townie?' Dwight: 'She was from Europe.' Michael: 'Bet she had hairy armpits.' Dwight: 'No.'

Dwight:Dwight dismisses Isabel as 'a dental hygienist from Carbondale': 'You have to take X-rays. You have to scrape the plaque off people's teeth. You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure that they're not scared when the dentist comes in.' Then: 'I already have a European girlfriend.'

Oscar · Angela:Angela and Oscar have clearly spent time together — Oscar is nursing what appears to be morning-after distress; Angela says wedding emotions made her cry. Oscar: 'People say you cry all the time.' Angela: 'Well, that's...' [trails off]

Kevin · Andy:Andy and Kevin morning-after exchange about the scrotum injury: Kevin: 'There's still something there?' Andy: 'Excuse me?' Kevin: 'It didn't get torn off?' Andy: 'No they didn't— nothing got torn off. Who told you that?' Kevin: 'I may have told some people that.'

Michael · Andy:Michael offers Andy his seat cushion: 'I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis. Make it softer.' Andy: 'It's my scrotum.' Michael: 'Um. And it was. Thank you.'

Michael:Michael confesses: 'I may have told some people that.' (that Andy's genitals were torn off)

Michael:Michael's wedding gift: a painted portrait of Jim and Pam from memory — 'And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.'

Kevin:Oscar/Kevin's wedding gift: 'I got them a set of turtle-grilling pots, shell hammer, and bibs.'

Pam · Unknown:Pam's dress: 'Is it zipping over your belly? Don't squish the baby.' Pam: 'Thank you, weirdo.'

Unknown:Everybody noticing and commenting on Pam's dad's young girlfriend's 'stupid blond extensions. It's like they were made from a plastic broom.'

Pam's Mother:Pam's mom upon seeing her: 'Oh darling, you look beautiful.' Then immediately: 'I hope he deserves you.' Then: 'Remember, you don't have to do this. You don't.'

Jim · Pam:Jim's pre-wedding visit to Pam: 'Is this allowed?' Pam: 'No, no. But I'm allowing it. Just come here.' Jim: 'That was an intelligent comment.'

Pam · Dwight:Pam's confessional: 'Hello, stranger. How do I look?' Dwight: 'Oh. Fine. Abel, nice to see you.' Pam: 'What do you want?' Dwight: 'Um, nothing... Anymore.'

Jim · Pam:Pam's veil has torn. She's upset. Jim secretly tears his tie to match: 'There. Now we're even.'

Pam:Pam talking head: 'Everyone's driving me crazy. I know way too much about Andy's scrotum, and my mom won't stop freaking out about my dad's new girlfriend.'

Toby · Oscar:Toby talking head: explains he's 'trying to decide if I have time to pee.' Oscar: 'How long do you take to pee?' Toby: 'The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on.'

Michael:Michael in the hallway asks a woman if she has a snack in her purse — 'You're a mom. I just figured you might have—' She produces a Fruit Roll-Up. Michael: 'Do you have any of the very berry or ocean splash, or—?' Woman: 'No.' Michael: 'Oh. Okay. Were you saving it?'

Michael:Michael talking head: 'Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes.'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly to Ryan: 'Do you think they'll cancel?' Ryan: 'Relax. You'll get your shot at Jim.' Kelly: 'Those two treat the whole office like a 1970s key party.'

Michael:Michael's sad talking head: 'I came here hoping to meet somebody. You know, as you do at weddings. End up going to sleep by the vending machine. It was loud, but it was warm.'

Michael:Michael: 'And the love of my life is dating somebody else... It is a terrible year for love.' Then: 'Thinking about having my sperm frozen.'

Michael:Michael is asked by strangers if he has a whoopee cushion — he gives it away: 'There you go. Use it in good health.'

Dwight:Dwight tries to reclaim wedding gifts from the table: 'What is the etiquette on taking the gift? Can you only take your own back, or is it a whatever-you-can-carry type of thing?' Then tries to trade a toaster for something else.

Toby · Dwight:Toby: 'I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim for making us wait for over an hour.' [said to Dwight while standing at the altar waiting for Jim]

Michael:Michael: 'I guess this wedding is not gonna happen. Wonder if this is it for them.' [said casually while the wedding is merely delayed]

Michael:Michael's reaction to Jim and Pam finally arriving: 'S! Yes! I have so much joy in my heart right now. How do I look?'

Jim · Pam:The wedding party walks down the aisle to 'Forever' by Chris Brown — despite Pam and Jim having put it on the 'do not play' list. Jim: 'I begged them not to. I know you specifically put this song on your do not play list.' Pam: 'Yes, I did.' [then they watch and get swept up in it]

Jim · Pam:Pam: 'Wait, what happened? You're okay with this?' Jim: 'Yeah, I'm okay.' — Pam is surprised Jim accepts the forbidden song.

Kevin:Kevin post-wedding: 'I got six numbers. One more and it would have been a complete telephone number.'

Andy:Andy post-wedding: 'My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man, my dogs are barking.'

Andy:Andy: 'My feet were so sweaty, I can't even feel the cold.' [post-Kleenex shoes]