Niagara

Pam:Hey everyone, can you please be more considerate about smells? Some of us are going through changes right now.

Jim:Yeah, pregnancy is tough. You're gonna gain 30 pounds, your feet are gonna swell up, you'll be in pain for months, and then you have to push a human out of your body.

Jim:That's pretty badass that the fetus can control the office temperature like that.

Pam:Phyllis, could you maybe use a different soap? This one's making me nauseous.

Phyllis:Oh, I'm sorry. Should we vote on it? We could all gather around and decide what scent is acceptable for my hands.

Creed:I smoke cigars in here all the time. I'm not gonna stop.

Michael:Oh, morning sickness. You know, I remember when Jan was pregnant, she had the worst morning sickness. She would just... *makes vomiting gesture* ...all the time. I couldn't even look at her without feeling nauseous myself.

Michael:Actually, you know what? Just talking about it is making me queasy. I'm gonna go splash some water on my face.

Pam:Jim, look what I did!

Jim:Pam... why is my stapler filled with Jell-O?

Jim:Kevin, we need to talk about the wedding. No explosives.

Kevin:What? Why not?

Jim:Because it's a wedding, Kevin. Not a war zone.

Kevin:I was just trying to make it memorable.

Pam:My grandmother is very conservative.

Angela:My grandmother is me. I'm my own grandmother.

Kevin:What happens in Niagara Falls stays in Niagara Falls.

Kevin:I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Andy:That's my line! I came up with that!

Kevin:No you didn't.

Andy:Yes I did. Everyone knows that's my thing. You totally stole it from me.

Michael:Alright everyone, listen up. I've organized our trip to Viagra Falls and I don't want to hear any complaints.

Jim:Did you just say Viagra?

Michael:Yes, Viagra Falls. It's very famous. Very majestic.

Pam:Michael, it's Niagara.

Michael:That's what I said. Viagra.

Dwight:A wedding is the perfect hunting ground. Women are vulnerable, they've been drinking, they're looking for a man to take them home. It's like a predator's dream.

Dwight:I will conduct a thorough background check on every wedding guest. I have connections.

Michael:Dwight, what is this?

Dwight:As I said. Detailed research. Vintage Schwinn, excellent condition, asking $200.

Michael:This is a Craigslist ad for a bike.

Dwight:Exactly. I found it under 'Suspicious Activity.'

Michael:So what else can you tell me about Jocelyn?

Dwight:Well, I'm not even sure it's the same person.

Michael:Then why are we talking about her?

Kevin:I'm thinking about getting my hair done for the wedding. You know, really make an impression.

Kevin:I'm gonna dye it.

Michael:Kelly, why don't you sit up front with me?

Kelly:No thanks. And can you turn up the AC? It's freezing back here.

Michael:Kelly, come on, sit up front.

Kelly:Michael, just drive. And stop at Starbucks. I want a venti cold brew.

Michael:Erin reminds me of my mom.

Michael:Not in a bad way. She's just got that same energy, you know? That optimism, that innocence.

Michael:Which is weird because I'm also attracted to Erin.

Michael:So that's... that's something I should probably talk to a therapist about.

Pam's Aunt:You should take mental pictures of moments like these.

Jim:Mental pictures? What if I blink? That'll be ruined. What if someone's making a weird face? I can't ask them to do it again because they don't know I'm taking a mental picture.

Jim:And what if the lighting is bad? I can't use a flash, obviously, because then everyone would know.

Dwight:I've prepared a romantic mix CD for Michael. It opens with my own narration designed to seduce women.

Dwight:Hello. I'm Dwight Schrute. You are the woman I love. The following songs have been specially selected to make you fall in love with me. Enjoy.

Todd Packer:I call dibs on breaking in that bed first.

Hotel Clerk:I'm sorry sir, we have no reservation under that name.

Dwight:Schrute. D-W-I-G-H-T. Schrute. I called ahead.

Hotel Clerk:Sir, there's nothing here.

Dwight:That's impossible. I have a confirmation number. It's right here on my phone.

Hotel Clerk:I'm afraid I can't help you.

Dwight:Unacceptable. I demand to speak to your manager. I have been a loyal customer at this hotel chain for three consecutive stays.

Hotel Clerk:One moment, sir.

Dwight:Thank you. I appreciate your cooperation.

Dwight:You'll be sleeping in my bed. I sleep on a bed of nails. Above the nails is a bed of regular nails, and above that is a memory foam mattress, but it has no memory, so it just lays there, confused.

Michael:You know what? This is like Mary and Joseph all over again. They turned them away at the inn, and now look at Jesus. So... I'm Jesus.

Michael:I could always share your bed.

Stanley:You're not sharing my bed.

Michael:Two people fit fine. It's not rocket science.

Stanley:It's not?

Michael:No. Rocket science is way harder.

Pam:That's my grandmother. She never smiles.

Immediately bringing up family divorce as a character judgment

Pam:Nobody's perfect.

Meemaw:That's why I don't want to live.

Dwight:You see, in an office, there's a hierarchy. I'm at the top as the Assistant Regional Manager.

Child:That sounds boring and depressing.

Dwight:It is.

Oscar:What? No! Kevin is not my boyfriend!

Kevin:Yeah, I'm married.

Oscar:And even if I were looking, Kevin would be... Kevin would be last on the list. He would be below 'no one.' He would be below 'a ghost.'

Dwight:I've done extensive research on all the wedding guests. For example, did you know that the best man, Todd, has a career batting average of .247?

Michael:Dwight, that's baseball.

Dwight:Exactly. And the bride's sister has a 3.2 forty-time, which is respectable for someone her age.

Michael:Those are football statistics.

Dwight:I'm aware. The groom's father shoots 38% from three-point range. Elite shooter.

Michael:You ever notice how Smart cars are so small? I mean, what's the deal with Smart cars? You pull up next to one at a stoplight and you're like, 'Did I just park next to a toy?' The thing is the size of a shoe! A fancy shoe, but still a shoe. And who decided that was a good idea? 'You know what people want? Less car. A car that's basically a golf cart that went to business school.' Smart car. More like Dumb car, am I right?

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. If the car talks to you, that means it's smart, right? So a smart car is just a car that won't shut up.

Jim:I just want to thank everyone who traveled so far to be here. I know it's a long way, and I really appreciate you making the effort. Although, I have to say, we probably would've understood if you just couldn't make it.

Jim:I'd always make excuses to go to the copy room. I'd pretend I didn't know how to use the copier, even though I totally did. I just wanted to talk to Pam.

Jim:I've been pretending to not know how to do stuff just so Pam would help me.

Pam:What? Like what stuff?

Jim:Everything. The copier, the computer, how to spell words...

Pam:You can't spell?

Jim:Not when you're around.

Jim:Yeah, Pam's not drinking tonight for obvious reasons.

Wedding Guest 1:Oh my God, you're pregnant?

Pam:We weren't... we weren't telling people yet.

Jim:Okay, okay, don't panic. Just tell her you panicked and made up a lie.

Jim:Wait, what if she asks what the lie was? Um... Pam's an alcoholic.

Jim:No, no, no, that's worse. That's so much worse.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. An accident? That's not what you call it. That's not what you call it at all. You call it a 'surprise blessing.' A 'gift from God.' A 'happy little accident'... wait, no, that's Bob Ross.

Jim:Michael, we didn't call it an accident.

Michael:I'm just saying, you gotta spin it. That's what a World's Best Boss does.

Michael:So anyway, I just want to say that babies are a blessing, and protection is important. Which is why I always use a condom. Two, actually. One on top of the other. The sensation is still pretty good.

Michael:And I want to give some advice to the happy couple about the rhythm method. It doesn't work. Trust me, I've tried. Multiple times. With multiple partners.

Michael:You know what works? Abstinence. But that's no fun. So, spermicide. It's not just for dates anymore!

Michael:I'm great with old women. I have a way with them.

Michael:My grandmother loved me. We were best friends.

Michael:And then one day she friend-dumped me. For another friend.

Michael:Meemaw, times have changed. We need to embrace modern attitudes. Like, it's totally cool to live with your girlfriend before marriage now.

Meemaw:Michael, that's a sin!

Michael:No, no, no. It's actually very common. And gay marriage? That's legal now. People can marry whoever they love.

Meemaw:Over my dead body!

Michael:And you know what else? Weed is basically legal in some states. It's just like having a beer.

Meemaw:Get out of my house.

Michael:Meemaw, please don't go. You're part of the family now.

Meemaw:That's sweet, but I need to get back home.

Michael:But Meemaw, what if I told you I created a whole character for you? Silvio. It's like Meemaw, but more... Italian.

Meemaw:Michael, Meemaw isn't even my real name. It's what my grandkids call me.

Michael:Wait, so you're not actually named Meemaw? Then who's Silvio?

Andy:So I'm throwing this party up at my family's house in the Poconos. It's gonna be amazing. I want all you guys there.

Andy:Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, it's pretty remote. So remote that if something were to happen to a woman up there, it would be very hard for her to get help.

Andy:But you should definitely still come!

Oscar:What is that outfit?

Dwight:This shirt? It's a signal to women that I'm ovulating.

Oscar:Men don't ovulate.

Dwight:Not with that attitude.

Dwight:I have developed a revolutionary method for harvesting horse meat without killing the horse. It involves a series of precisely calibrated vacuum tubes that extract only the meat fibers while leaving the horse completely intact and alive.

Dwight:Sears rejected it.

Michael:Up? I cried for like an hour. The first ten minutes alone...

Michael:And Finding Nemo? Don't even get me started. A father looking for his son? I was a mess.

Michael:Toy Story 3? I had to leave the theater. I couldn't... I couldn't watch Andy grow up like that.

Michael:Inside Out made me question my entire emotional stability. I'm supposed to be the boss and I'm crying about a girl's imaginary friend.

Dwight:Twins! Twins!

Michael:Whoa, whoa, Dwight. Easy there.

Dwight:Do you know the odds of male twins? It's incredible!

Michael:I think you're missing the point here.

Andy:You want to see more moves? Okay, here we go.

Andy:I'm gonna split... like a banana split!

Andy:Get it? Because I'm doing the splits, and... I'm being divided... like ice cream.

Jim:Who are you talking to?

Pam:It's Ryan. He says the groomsmen are at a bar.

Jim:What? They're supposed to be here helping with Andy.

Pam:Ryan says they're doing shots.

Jim:Are you kidding me? I'm here dealing with a concussion and they're out partying?

Michael:That's what groomsmen do, Jim.

Jim:No, Michael, they help. They support the groom.

Dwight:In my day, groomsmen would have carried the groom to the bar.

Michael:You know what marriage is? It's like a partnership. You're partners. And every night, you come home, and your wife is there, and she's like, 'How was work?' And you're like, 'It was fine.' And then you go to the bedroom and you do the sex.

Michael:And then the next morning, she makes you breakfast. Bacon, eggs, the whole thing. And you're like, 'This is great.' But then you realize she's mad at you for something you said three weeks ago, and now you're sleeping on the couch.

Michael:That's marriage, people. That's the dream.

Michael:You know, when you're married, you have to really listen to your wife. You have to understand her needs.

Jim:Yeah, Michael, you sound just like Kermit the Frog right now.

Andy:Pam, could you please drive a little more carefully? Every time we hit a bump, it feels like someone's driving a railroad spike through my shoulder.

Andy:And when you brake suddenly, it's like my arm is getting ripped off. And when you accelerate, it feels like my injury is being deep-fried in a vat of hot oil.

Andy:I spent the night at Pam's last night.

Dwight:What?!

Andy:We were playing board games until 2 AM.

Jim:Board games?

Andy:Yeah, Settlers of Catan. I got destroyed.

Kevin:Has anyone seen my shoes? I left them by the door.

Hotel manager:Yes, we found them. We had to throw them away.

Kevin:Throw them away? Why?

Hotel manager:The smell was so bad, we thought there was a gas leak.

Kevin:A gas leak?

Hotel manager:We evacuated the entire floor. The hazmat team came. They declared your shoes a biohazard.

Michael Scott:The shoes were destroyed. They required incineration.

Michael:Dwight, your room is a mess.

Dwight:A man's room is like a man's mind. You never know what you're going to find, but you know it's going to be dirty.

Michael:So how was your night with Isabel?

Dwight:It was incredible. She's like a feral cat crossed with a wolverine crossed with a beautiful, beautiful woman.

Dwight:Isabel? No, no, no. She's not even that attractive. And her family's beet farm is nowhere near as profitable as Schrute Farms. Plus, she has that weird laugh. I would never pursue someone like that.

Stanley:At least I'm not worried about what my wife is doing while I'm at work.

Angela:Here, use this pillow.

Andy:Why?

Angela:To make your... penis area softer.

Creed:I painted a wedding gift. It's a nude. For personal use.

Kelly:Your hair extensions are so cheap, I can see the seams from space. NASA called—they want to use them as a landmark.

Pam's Mom:I'm not sure about this wedding. Jim seems nice, but—

Pam:Mom, I think what you're experiencing right now is just projection. And I'm going to need you to sit with that feeling.

Pam:My veil is torn.

Jim:Here, let me fix that.

Jim:Now we match.

Angela:Of course they're missing. Pam probably realized she's marrying someone beneath her station, and Jim realized he's marrying someone with no taste. They've both come to their senses.

Michael:What is this? An apricot? A-pricot. That's a weird name for a fruit. Why is it called that? Oh, I get it now. It's a pricot, and the 'a' in front means it's not a pricot. It's the opposite of a pricot. Genius naming.

Angela:Well, if Jim and Pam think they're going to start swinging, they can forget about it. This office has a very strict moral code.

Michael:You know what? I'm going to freeze my sperm. That way, when I'm older and wiser, I can find a woman who appreciates me, and we can have beautiful children together.

Kevin:Yeah, I was really successful at that wedding. I collected a bunch of phone numbers.

Jim:That's great, Kevin. So you got some dates lined up?

Kevin:Well, not exactly. I got individual digits. Like, one guy gave me a 7, another guy gave me a 3...

Pam:Kevin, those are just... numbers.

Kevin:Yeah, but if I keep collecting, eventually I'll have enough to call someone.

Kevin:I made shoes out of tissues at the wedding reception. My feet really hurt now.