Niagara (2)

Michael:Fundamentals. Fun-da-mentals. You see, it's got 'fun' in it. And 'mental.' If you don't have fun, you go mental. It's science.

Michael Scott:What are some good small talk topics?

Dwight Schrute:Ants. Bacteria. Sesame seeds.

Michael:Meredith, what did you do this weekend?

Meredith:I got drunk and fell off the roof of a Days Inn.

Michael:I could write a book about business. I really could. I have so much knowledge, so much experience.

Dwight:Then write it.

Michael:My book is going to be huge. It's going to outsell the Bible.

Michael:I'm not even surprised by that.

Erin:I'm so sorry for interrupting your valuable time.

Michael:It's okay, Erin. I was just... looking at my schedule.

Erin:What do you have coming up?

Michael:Well, I have 'creative space' blocked off for the next three hours.

Erin:Creative space? That sounds made-up and self-important.

Erin:Your 2 PM is free play.

Michael:Free play? That's not a meeting, Erin.

Erin:I know, that's why it's free play. You can do whatever you want.

Michael:Well, I'm going to need you to block off that time. I have some very important projects I need to work on during free play.

Michael:You know what they say - you don't want to see how the sausage gets made.

Michael:Well, I'm going to show you the finished sausage.

Dwight:Started using it as a fart room, then just moved in permanently

Dwight:Your office feels like home.

Jim:Thanks, Dwight.

Dwight:Which is depressing because my actual home is a disaster.

Dwight:He seems suspicious. I'm gonna run a background check on him. Did you see how he looked at me? Classic tells of a man with something to hide.

Jim:Dwight, he's an insurance salesman.

Dwight:Exactly. Plus, he had an accent. And those shoes.

Michael:I drive an SUV, and I'm not in the mob.

Dwight:Not yet.

Dwight:You can't just stop being in the mob. It's not like a gym membership. Once you're in, you're in for life. I've seen all three Godfather movies, I think I know what I'm talking about.

Andy:So what you're saying is, if I don't get health insurance, I'll die.

Michael:And testicular cancer will come to my house and kill me in my sleep.

Oscar:Sanity is a political coalition. The left is crazy, the right is crazy, and the middle is a vast ignored horrible pool of people that believe we should turn childlike killers into chainsmokers.

Ryan:Gotti to Grotti? That's basically the same thing.

Andy:No, it's not. Gotti is a powerful name. Grotti sounds like a frozen yogurt place. You're going to rebrand the mob as a frozen yogurt place? That's a terrible business decision.

Dwight:Grotti is more menacing than Gotti. The 'r' sound is guttural and threatening. It comes from deep in the throat. Gotti is soft by comparison. Now take mukduk. That's a word I just made up, but doesn't it sound dangerous? The 'uk' at the end, very sinister.

Michael:Okay, okay, okay. So you're all talking at the same time, and I'm supposed to just... what? Follow multiple conversations? That's not how ears work. Ears work like a spotlight, Jim. One spotlight. And right now that spotlight is on panic.

Oscar:Jim, I need to talk to you about Michael. He's gotten himself into some serious trouble with—

Jim:Oscar, stop. I'm on my honeymoon. I don't want to hear about Michael's problems right now.

Oscar:But Jim, this is really important. He owes money to some very dangerous—

Jim:Oscar. No. I'm hanging up now.

Oscar:Okay, okay. You're right. Sorry. Enjoy your honeymoon.

Dwight:If the mob comes after you, do not call the police. The police cannot protect you from the mob.

Andy:Dwight, that's not true.

Dwight:I've seen Goodfellas like fifteen times.

Oscar:That's not really a documentary.

Andy:If you give a raccoon cat food, he's going to think he's a cat. And then he's going to try to climb a tree. But he's a raccoon, so he falls out of the tree. And then he doesn't know what he is anymore, so he just eats garbage for the rest of his life.

Dwight:I need a cover story for carrying a tire iron into the meeting. If anyone asks, I'm a traveling tire salesman.

Michael:So your plan is to keep a tire iron in your car?

Dwight:That's correct.

Michael:For changing tires?

Dwight:Amongst other things.

Michael:Like what?

Dwight:Well, I can't actually change tires. But I could use it as a weapon.

Dwight:I've completed my reconnaissance. The establishment has two points of entry to the lavatory facilities. One through the main dining area, one through the kitchen. I've positioned myself with a clear sightline to both. The bathroom door has a standard push mechanism with no locking mechanism visible from my current position. Optimal surveillance has been achieved.

Dwight:The key to pest control is understanding your enemy. Roaches are most vulnerable at dawn. You must strike with precision and without mercy.

Michael:Okay, that's... that's a lot more intense than I was expecting.

Dwight:I've been studying their movement patterns. I know their weaknesses. I am prepared to wage war on these insects.

Michael:You know what? I'm just going to call an exterminator.

Creed:Hello, this is the Identity Theft Department calling.

Jim:Oh, hi. What can I do for you?

Creed:We need to verify some personal information. Can you confirm your full name?

Jim:Yeah, it's James Duncan Halpert.

Creed:And your social security number?

Jim:Oh sure, it's 049-52-8439.

Creed:Great. And the name of your bank and account number?

Jim:It's First National, and the account number is 6234119847.

Jim:Yeah, why don't you just steal my identity?

Creed:Done.

Michael:I'll have the salmon. And I want it grilled, not baked. And I want it grilled in a very particular way. Medium-rare, with a light char on the outside. And if it's not perfect, there will be consequences.

Michael:I'll have the... uh... penne alla vodka. No wait, penne alla... vwoah-dka. Penne a-vodge-ah.

Waitress:I'm sorry, what?

Michael:You know, the pasta with the... the vodka sauce. Penne... uh... pennae... pennay... it's Italian!

Waitress:Sir, I really don't know what you're ordering.

Michael:Just bring me whatever's most expensive and sounds like it could be a mob boss name.

Dwight:You ordered gabba-gool? That's not even a real thing!

Michael:What do you mean it's not real? I ordered it!

Dwight:Gabba-gool, gabba-gool, GABBA-GOOL! I want gabba-gool NOW!

Michael:Okay, okay, fine. Just... forget it.

Michael:I want the croutons on the side, the dressing on the other side, and I want the lettuce to know that it disappointed me.

Oscar:Wait, so you're telling me you stole someone's identity and then someone stole yours?

Creed:Yeah. And I have no idea who they are.

Kevin:You'd like it in jail.

Oscar:Why would I like it in jail?

Kevin:Because you'd like it in jail.

Oscar:That's not an explanation.

Kevin:You'd like it in jail.

Pam:Dwight, my car won't start. Can you help me?

Dwight:Of course. I'm an excellent mechanic. Pop the hood.

Pam:Really? I didn't know you were a mechanic.

Dwight:There's a lot you don't know about me, Pam. I've been working on cars since I was six years old. My cousin Mose and I rebuilt a transmission using only a hammer and our teeth.

Dwight:I know what I'm doing. I've jump-started dozens of cars. First, you need to locate the engine block. Then you attach the positive cable to the negative terminal.

Jim:That's not how that works.

Dwight:Fact: I am an expert in automotive electrical systems. You reverse the polarity, engage the starter mechanism, and channel the voltage through the carburetor distributor cap.

Pam:Is that even a thing?

Dwight:False. It's a real thing. A very real thing that I invented.

Dwight:The problem is clear. This vehicle has been compromised at the structural level. The frame is bent, the engine block is cracked, and the transmission fluid has been replaced with what appears to be old milk. This car is totaled. It's a loss. I'm calling a salvage yard.

Woman:Dwight, you said you'd fix my car. The doctor said you only have six months to live.

Dwight:Actually, I'm a motorcycle specialist. Cars are completely different.

Andy:Okay, so imagine you're driving a car, right? And you think you're a great driver. But then you realize you're actually terrible at driving. So you crash into a bus full of nuns. And then that bus crashes into a school bus. And then that school bus crashes into a hospital. And everyone dies. Horrible, horrible deaths.

Gabe:That doesn't make sense. If the real estate agent is a vampire, how is he showing houses during the day?

Andy:Well, maybe he's a vampire who's also a real estate agent, so he has to work during the day. It's called having two jobs, Gabe.

Andy:Michael, I gotta say, backing down like that took real leadership.

Michael:Thank you. I didn't back down. I made a decisive choice to retreat strategically.

Dwight:Actually, you backed down three minutes ago. I've been timing it.

Kevin:Jim! Jim, it's Kevin. Your mom called me. She said your dad had a heart attack and you need to come home right now.

Jim:What? Kevin, my dad's fine. He's right here on the beach with us.

Kevin:Oh. Well, your grandpa then. Definitely your grandpa. Heart thing. Very serious.

Jim:Kevin, why are you calling me?

Kevin:Because Dwight needs you back at the office. He's going crazy. He thinks you're never coming back and he's been doing your job and his job and it's too much for him.

Jim:Just tell him I'm on my honeymoon.

Kevin:I did! But then I remembered your uncle had that thing... the genetic thing. And I was like, 'Jimothy, you need to get home and get tested.'

Michael:So what are some accounting tricks to get out of paying for insurance?

Oscar:You could just... cancel it.

Andy:We should help Michael overcome his fears. Face them head on.

Kevin:I think what you're saying is we need to perform brain surgery on him.

Andy:We've been investigating Grotti for months now.

Dwight:I have a contact at the FBI. Very high up.

Andy:Yeah, and I've been working with the CIA. They call me regularly.

Dwight:The NSA personally asked me to consult on this case.

Andy:I'm basically partners with Interpol at this point.

Dwight:Scotland Yard just texted me. They're very impressed with my work.

Michael:I've been deceived by a salesman. I wish the mafia would come to my house and kill me in my yard.

Michael:I walked right up to him, and I said, 'Grotti, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.' And he just stood there, stunned. Nobody had ever talked to him like that before.

Michael:Actually, I didn't say that. I said, 'Your behavior has been unacceptable,' and then I walked away. But in my head, I was saying all those tough things.

Michael:I need a coffee. Make it a medium.

Barista:We have small, medium, and large.

Michael:No, not small — too weak. And not large — too much. I need the medium, but it needs to be between the medium and large. Actually, you know what? Forget the medium size. Give me something that's bigger than small but smaller than large, but don't call it a medium because I already rejected that.

Pam:Kevin, I'm on my honeymoon. I specifically said no work calls.

Kevin:Yeah, I know, but Jim's not here and we need to know where he keeps the good scissors.

Pam:Kevin... we have scissors in the supply closet.

Kevin:Not the good ones though.