Mafia

Michael:Michael underlines 'mental' in 'fundamental' and announces 'Mental is a part of the word. I have underlined it.'

Michael:'Because you're mental if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it. The fun is in it.'

Dwight:When asked for small talk topics, someone suggests 'Small things... Peas, ball bearings, dimes.'

Michael · Meredith:Meredith's small talk response: 'I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet. He calls it an upper-decker.'

Michael · Jim:'What you don't know about business I could fill a book with.' / 'Then do it.' / 'What?' / 'Write a book.'

Michael:'The Fundamentals of Business by Michael Scott. Over 1 billion sold. More than the Bible. I'm not surprised.'

Dwight:'It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy and Dwight in Jim's office discussing Grotti: 'And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.'

Michael:Michael: 'There is no such thing as monsters.' (in response to 'Mobsters are [a threat]')

Andy · Dwight:'He drives an SUV.' / 'I knew it.' / 'More trunk space. Or should I say corpse space?'

Michael · Andy · Dwight:Michael: 'Guys, I drive an SUV. Does that mean I'm in the mob?' / 'No, not that by itself.'

Dwight:Dwight lists mob fronts: 'Sometimes it's selling insurance. Sometimes it's waste management or sanitation.'

Oscar:Oscar's confessional: 'Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The coalition for reason is extremely weak.'

Toby:Toby's confessional reaction: 'Oscar says I checked out, huh?' — delivered with complete vacancy.

Ryan:Ryan on the mafia: 'First of all, there's no such thing as the mafia. What you have are specific families.'

Michael:Michael: 'Too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.'

Dwight · Michael:'Lock your door!' / 'I'm not gonna lock my door.'

Oscar · Pam · Jim:Oscar calling Jim and Pam on their honeymoon: 'I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon... It's Michael. He thinks he's being shaken down by the mob.'

Pam:Pam's response: 'Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.'

Dwight:'Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported. Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horse's chopped-off head in your bed.'

Dwight:'Criminals are like raccoons. You give them a taste of cat food, pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat.'

Dwight:'The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.'

Michael:Michael: 'I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan.' / 'My plan is out. We do it the hard way.'

Andy:Andy arrives at the restaurant dressed as a mechanic with a tire iron: 'If I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion. And I have to justify it somehow, so I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.'

Michael · Andy:'Do you know how to use it?' / 'To change tires? No. But it's metal. I could hit somebody.'

Michael · Andy:Michael sees Andy's loafers under the mechanic costume: 'You're wearing loafers.' / 'Forget it!'

Dwight · Michael:At the restaurant, Dwight has a tire iron on the table. Michael: 'Take that thing off the table. Please.' / 'Then I can't use it.' / 'I'm just gonna hide it.'

Dwight:Dwight scoping out the restaurant bathroom: 'The bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except this roach motel.'

Dwight:'You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax.'

Grotti:Grotti complains about the booth: 'What's this, one of them half-booths, can't decide what it is type of...' and immediately moves the whole party to a different table.

Kevin · Pam · Jim:Kevin calls Jim and Pam's credit card company pretending to be Jim, gives Jim's full home address and last four digits of his social security number.

Jim:Jim to the credit card fraud department: 'I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.'

Grotti:Grotti's elaborate food order: linguini, red sauce on the side (or he sends it back), garlic bread toasted not burnt (or he sends it back).

Michael · Dwight:Michael orders 'the gabba-gool.' The waiter doesn't know what it is. Dwight insists: 'Bring him the gabba-gool!'

Oscar · Kevin:Oscar to Kevin: 'This constitutes identity fraud.' / Kevin: 'I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar. I'm not like you.' / Oscar: 'What's that supposed to mean?' / Kevin: 'You don't know about jail? You would love jail.' / Oscar: 'Why would I love jail?' / Kevin: 'Because... you would love it.'

Andy · Stranger:A stranger approaches Andy (in mechanic costume) asking him to jump-start her car because her battery's dead and she has her kid with her.

Andy · Dwight · Stranger:Andy attempting to jump-start the car with no idea what he's doing. Dwight watching: 'He seems bad at this.' / Stranger: 'You want to do this, Junior?' / Dwight: 'I didn't think so.'

Andy:Andy's diagnosis: 'You got a leaky spark tube. So your car's totaled. You're just gonna want to get a refund on that.' / 'I work exclusively on motorcycles.'

Michael:Michael's confessional about the Italian car: 'I had this Italian car. And it kept telling me how much it needed oil. But I wouldn't give it any oil. And then one day it exploded. And it killed everyone.'

Grotti · Michael:Grotti: 'Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car?' / Michael: 'It was before my technical training.'

Grotti:Grotti: 'These guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow?'

Michael · Dwight:Michael buys the insurance. Dwight: 'You were man enough to back down. I'm proud of you.' / Michael: 'I had to make a snap decision.' / 'It wasn't snap. You were sitting there for an hour.' / 'It was a lot of snap decisions.'

Dwight · Michael:'Do you know what snap decision means?' / 'It means like this.' [Michael snaps fingers]

Michael · Jim:Michael calls Jim on his honeymoon: 'I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, 'cause you told me that your dad had a bad heart.'

Jim · Michael:Jim on a catamaran giving advice that cuts out entirely: 'I'm gonna help you through it. All you're gonna need to... and then go to... and you'll be saved.'

Jim:Jim: 'Bermuda Triangle. Please don't call again.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.'

Michael:Michael: 'What about this cash for clunkers thing?'

Dwight · Andy:Dwight to Andy: 'We have let Michael down. And it's 85% your fault.' / Andy: 'He's alive, so you're welcome.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy suggests convincing Michael the guy isn't mafia. Dwight: 'That seems a little far-fetched.' Andy: 'More far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy and Dwight presenting fake evidence that Grotti is clean: 'Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how it works.' / 'Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force, really. Class act. Boy scout.'

Michael:'If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia, it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. And bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing.'

Michael:'Not that I would be lying, per se. But I would just get really quiet all of a sudden.'

Michael · Grotti:Michael calls Grotti back: 'I think you know exactly why... because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance... You suck!' / 'I won't buy your stupid insurance.' / 'The only person that actually needs insurance is you if you show your face around here again.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight reveals they lied about Grotti being clean: 'Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia.' / Michael: 'What do you mean?' / Dwight: 'We just told you he wasn't mafia so you wouldn't be scared.'

Dwight · Andy:'You successfully backed down the mob. You made the mafia apologize to you. You made the mafia be polite.'

Michael · Dwight · Andy:Michael's retelling of the phone call: 'So I looked him in the eye, and I said, "Not today, Grotti. Not today. And not tomorrow. And not the next day or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they are already dead." I said something like that.' / 'Very close.'

Oscar:Oscar confessional: 'Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael immediately sends Dwight for coffee with a list of absurd conditions mirroring Grotti's food order: 'Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back. Large. If it's a medium, I send it back. If it's an extra-large, I send it back. How do you return coffee? Go.'

Jim:Jim: 'Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.' [talking head] — with a coffee cup

Kevin · Pam:Kevin calling Pam and Jim on their honeymoon: Pam erupts about the canceled credit card, then: 'I'll let you go. Tell Jim that I said "Hi."' / Pam: 'I will. I will, Kevin. I will make that my top priority.'

Kevin:Kevin's final confessional: 'They have no idea what happened.'