Dead Guy In Room 4

Johnny:We are on the cusp of something extraordinary. Tidal waves of prosperity are about to crash down upon this establishment.

Moira:Johnny, it's a motel in a small town.

Johnny:Precisely. Tidal waves.

Johnny:Well, hello! You look like you have some good news for me.

Stevie:I don't. The motel is being audited by the IRS, and we're also being sued by that guest who slipped in the parking lot.

Moira:A cornucopia of trauma.

Stevie:He checked out.

Stevie:Permanently.

Johnny:Well, I don't think that's appropriate humor for a comedy show.

Stevie:It's a dead guy.

Johnny:Exactly. Have a little respect.

Johnny:You're making jokes? This is serious.

Stevie:Yeah, well, I'm the one who found the body, so I think I've earned the right to cope however I want.

Moira:How old was he?

Moira:Because if he was younger than Johnny, I'm going to be very upset.

Johnny:Moira, a man is dead. Can we please focus on that instead of my age?

Alexis:I mean, at a motel? I'm surprised there's only one body.

Moira:A natural death? How pedestrian. I find it far more disturbing than murder, actually. At least with murder there's passion, drama, a narrative arc. But to simply... expire in one's sleep? It's so undignified. So... final.

Stevie:Well, he died. I assume the usual way—his heart stopped beating, his brain stopped functioning, and he became very, very still.

Stevie:You know what's weird? Every time a band sells out, someone dies.

Johnny:That's... not a pattern, Stevie.

Stevie:Isn't it though? Think about it.

Johnny:I'm not going to think about it, because it's insane.

Stevie:We sold out once.

Johnny:What?

Stevie:The Crows have sold out exactly one time. And someone died.

Johnny:Stevie, that's not—

Stevie:Your mother almost died that time.

David:Well, I didn't kiss him. He kissed me. There's a very big difference, and frankly, I'm insulted that you would even suggest otherwise.

Alexis:Wait, David kissed Patrick? Like, he full-on French kissed him?

David:Yes, Alexis, I French kissed him. That's what people do when they're attracted to someone.

Alexis:I know what French kissing is, David. I'm just... so you're really doing this? You're coming out?

David:Yes, I'm coming out. And yes, there will be French involved.

Alexis:David, he's such a sweet little button face.

David:Oh my God.

David:They can stay in your room.

Johnny:Our room? Where are we supposed to put Moira's wigs?

Moira:We'll make it work.

Johnny:Make it work? Moira, they're going to be sitting on the wigs.

Moira:Re-boxing? Do you have any idea what's involved in the storage and handling of a collection of this magnitude? These aren't just wigs, Johnny. They're architectural feats. They require climate control, acid-free tissue paper, and hands that have been professionally trained in delicate fabric manipulation.

Moira:I have spent years cultivating relationships with my wig technician. She knows their individual needs, their personalities, their histories. You can't just hand them over to some... some untrained person and expect them to emerge unscathed.

David:I don't know how to pack casually. I have a very specific packing system.

Alexis:Well, I guess I'll sleep in the car.

David:I'll sleep in the office.

Moira:I suppose I could manage the living room.

Alexis:Oh, well in that case, I'll sleep in a roadside tent. Alone. In the dark. Where anything could happen.

Moira:Well, I would love to help, but I'm afraid I have a very strict policy about involving myself in any situation that could potentially result in me having to wear comfortable shoes or speak to a police officer without proper lighting.

David:I'll help you pack, but I need to be very clear about something. Everything must be folded using the KonMari method. All hangers must face the same direction. Shoes need to be stored in their original boxes, organized by season and then by color gradient. And absolutely no mixing of natural and synthetic fibers in the same suitcase.

Johnny:Stevie told Roland? About the body? Why would she do that?

Johnny:I mean, first it was the chopsticks incident, then it was the whole gas leak situation, and now we're just casually discussing corpse disposal with the town real estate agent?

Johnny:We've gone from 'Did anyone see my good chopsticks?' to 'Has anyone seen my good body disposal expert?' This is what happens when you lower your standards.

Roland:We've got a situation. The... the toilet has stopped working, and we need an autopsy to figure out what's wrong with it.

Roland:Well, I don't think they should see it. I mean, I saw my father get taken out of our house when I was nine years old, and I turned out fine.

Johnny:Hmm.

Alexis:Oh my God, why does everyone here look so sad? Is it because their pets are dying?

Alexis:Well, I didn't quit, I just realized that position wasn't utilizing my full potential. It was actually a really healthy decision for my career growth.

Alexis:But yeah, it was super fun. I loved it there.

Alexis:I have to be honest with you guys. When I worked at the vet clinic, I had absolutely no interest in animals.

Patrick:I... I don't think that's a good idea.

Patrick:Bzzzzt!

Moira:I'm afraid I'm far too preoccupied with my various endeavors to lend myself to such pedestrian pursuits.

Moira:Between my sartorial machinations, my quotidian ablutions, and my nebulous creative consultations, I simply haven't the temporal bandwidth.

Patrick:Can I get you some tea?

Moira:Oh, that would be lovely. Something herbal, perhaps?

Patrick:Of course. Chamomile, peppermint, or ginger?

Moira:Surprise me. Shock me. Do something unexpected.

Patrick:I'll just grab you a chamomile.

Moira:No, no, no. I said surprise me, Peter.

Patrick:It's Patrick.

Moira:Yes, I know your name.

Moira:I apologize for interrupting, but I think I may have killed someone.

Moira:When you're in a crisis, you have to treat yourself. It's very important for your mental health.

Patrick:Even if you've killed someone?

Moira:Especially then, David.

Moira:I didn't have any pain medication to give him. I only had sample packets from the pharmacy, and I was too embarrassed to admit that.

Moira:I'm absolutely mortified. I've been taking medication samples from my dermatologist like some sort of... pharmaceutical dumpster diver. And the worst part? I've been telling people they're *boluses*. A bolus! As if I'm some sort of medical professional administering carefully measured doses, when really I'm just... popping pills like they're Tic Tacs at a SoulCycle class.

David:Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying that I could be implicated in this?

Moira:Well, darling, the courts will decide.

David:No, no, no. That's not comforting!

Moira:David, you're making me feel worse about this. I feel like you've just pushed me off a ledge.

Moira:Oh my God. I'm going to prison. I'm going to prison and I'm going to have to share a cell with someone named Brenda who has a teardrop tattoo and a gambling problem.

Moira:And she's going to ask me to do her commissary, and I won't know what that means, and she's going to think I'm being difficult.

Moira:And then one day she's going to ask me to make a shank out of a toothbrush, and I'm going to accidentally make a very chic hair accessory instead, and she's going to stab me with it.

Moira:Oh, he's like a golden retriever in a cashmere sweater.

Johnny:We'd love for you and your child to join us for happy hour.

Guest:I'm sorry, what?

Stevie:It's just drinks. Well, for us. You can get your kid a Shirley Temple or something.

Guest:You want me to bring my 8-year-old to a bar?

Johnny:Is that not... appropriate?

Johnny:Well, children love rocks. They're very popular with children. A rock is like... it's like a toy that costs nothing and requires no batteries.

Johnny:You can throw it, you can skip it, you can build things with it. It's basically the original iPhone.

Johnny:I'm going to give rocks to children.

Roland:Oh my God, that's the best idea I've ever heard!

Stevie:No, you don't have to think about it. It's mandatory.

Johnny:Well, it's not mandatory. I mean, it's strongly suggested.

Stevie:Mandatory.

Johnny:There's actually a fee if you don't attend.

Johnny:Making it economically mandatory instead

Alexis:I've noticed that nobody in this town locks their doors. Like, at all. I went to three job interviews today, and I just walked into all of them without knocking. One woman didn't even look up from her desk.

Alexis:Can I stay at your place for a few days?

Ted:Oh, um, actually that's not going to work. I'm seeing someone.

Alexis:What? Since when?

Ted:Since last month. Her name is Heather.

Ted:It's just that my roommate has a very strict no overnight guests policy, and I don't think he would be comfortable with—

Alexis:You don't want me to stay over.

Ted:Well, no, I mean, yes, but it's not about you, it's just—

Alexis:You literally just said your roommate won't allow it.

Alexis:Wait, so Ted's dating Heather? That girl goes through men like I go through... well, like I go through everything. Quickly and without thinking about the consequences.

Ted:So who would you hire?

Alexis:Well, I mean, they both have their strengths. One person has a Harvard MBA and 20 years of experience in finance, and the other person is really good at Instagram.

Ted:Those are not equivalent qualifications.

Alexis:I know, but like, the Instagram person is really, really good at it.

Patrick:When I kissed you, it felt like my first kiss. Like, actually my first kiss. Everything I did before that... I don't know what that was.

David:I have made some poor romantic choices in my past.

David:By poor, I mean catastrophically bad.

David:I once dated someone who collected porcelain dolls.

David:Not as a hobby. As a lifestyle.

David:Can you just call me nice?

Patrick:No.

Johnny:Well, the cinnamon buns are sweet, and the vodka is... vodka. Together they create a kind of balance. It's actually quite sophisticated when you think about it.

Johnny:Is anyone here from out of town?

Johnny:Oh. Right. Of course you are. We all are.

Johnny:Did you bring rocks for the kids?

Frank:What? No. Why would I bring rocks for the kids?

Moira:I mean, we should all be cherishing every moment we're alive, because you never know when you're going to end up like Gerald, face down in a bowl of French onion soup.

Moira:We don't know when we're going to die. We could go at any moment. I could be implicated in a death, and then cleared of that death.

Johnny:What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. What happens in our house also stays in our house because we can't afford to replace anything.