Customer Survey

Michael:"Nothing can hurt you now. You're a man in love!"

Dwight:"I was there. That dude is not engaged. I'm not a big believer in therapy, but... I'll go into my own pockets to cover his co-pay."

Michael · Dwight:"Big idea: double wedding. Me, Angela. You, Holly. We would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam."

Phyllis:"Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress. And you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white."

Michael:"Whenever I'm getting married, you... don't believe me."

Michael:Michael admits 'I'm not. I'm not getting married.' — long beat of humiliation

Michael:'Psych.'

Phyllis · Michael:"So, I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I'm out $100. And I'm out a fiancee."

Michael:"Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic, customer service rep... Sort of a Kapoor's list. Schindler's List parody."

Jim:"Which is kind of great for me because, you wouldn't know from looking at her, but... Pam's a gold digger. New York ain't free. Get back to work."

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam reveal they're secretly connected via the world's tiniest Bluetooth earpiece all day — talking to each other during the workday without anyone knowing

Jim · Pam:"Pam, what do you want in your coffee? Sprinkle of cinnamon."

Michael · Dwight:"All righty, Dwighty, let's see how you did." / Dwight's survey results are terrible — he's described as 'abrasive and distasteful'

Michael · Dwight:"If I were joking, you'd be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?" / "Impossible to say. I can't see myself."

Andy · Jim:Andy barges in to gloat about his good scores, calls Jim 'Tommy Tuna', uses Jim's mug without asking

Andy · Jim:The mug standoff: Andy drinks from Jim's mug (which has Jim's face on it), won't give it back, Jim says 'It has my face on it' / Andy: 'Make the face.'

Jim · Pam · Dwight:Jim describes Dwight's emotional noise to Pam: "That was Dwight. He seems upset about something. Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon?" — "It is more of a spicy brown, actually."

Dwight · Jim:Dwight says he's 'being sabotaged' about his bad scores; Jim's response: 'Or you could just be nice to your customers.' Dwight: 'You're an idiot.' Jim: 'There's the charm.'

Jim · Pam · Dwight:Jim says 'Love you' into the Bluetooth; Andy/Dwight stare confused as Jim apparently talks to himself; Dwight: 'What do you think I am saying to you?' Jim: 'Not talking to you.'

Dwight:"I've caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser!"

Michael:Michael on phone describing the 'Shangri-La tent' wedding — 'It's two stories, heated, and it has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet.'

Michael:"I found the best 'tentist' on the east coast. He personally tented Giuliani's first and third weddings. And I got him!"

Michael:Michael tells Jim his scores are 'a poopy.'

Michael · Jim:"Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant." Jim: "I think you mean 'smug'." Michael: "Arrogance. And there's our smudgeness."

Jim:"And if history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong buying a house you can't afford."

Jim:"Pam doesn't know about the house, so... Fun surprise."

Pam · Jim:Pam via Bluetooth: "Maybe it's cause you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist." Jim: "A little bit. Worth it."

Michael · Jim:"Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you... Manage you two on a more personal scale. A more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called?" Jim: "Microgement."

Dwight · Jim · Michael:The 'Buttlicker' cold call role-play: Dwight calls Jim (playing 'Bill Buttlicker') and takes the name seriously

Dwight · Jim:"Really? That's your real name?" / "How dare you? My family built this country, by the way!"

Jim:Jim (as Buttlicker) pretends to take another call, tells the fictional person 'I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman... I'm probably gonna keep him on hold forever and not buy anything.'

Dwight:Dwight, scolded for yelling, pivots to: "The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile, and definitely difficult." — echoing the exact language from his own bad reviews

Michael · Jim:Michael takes over the call as 'regional manager,' Buttlicker immediately loves him and pledges $1 million in paper: "I like the sound of your voice." Michael: "See how it's done?"

Michael · Jim · Dwight:Buttlicker's condition: Michael must fire the salesman who treated him badly — 'Don't do it, Michael.' Michael considers it. 'It's a million-dollar sale.'

Angela · Michael:Michael/Angela's wedding: 'I don't want to be married in a tent like a hobo.' Michael: 'Hobos live in trains.'

Holly:Holly: 'Nana Mimi can't be in canvas that long.'

Angela:Angela's wedding requirements: a hand-plowed field, an old barn where you can see stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back, and antique tools to look at when you roll over

Dwight · Jim:Dwight drags Jim into his car to speak privately about sabotage — 'They might be listening to us.'

Dwight · Jim:"Could be the mob. But then Dunder Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there's little evidence of that." Jim: "Is there some evidence?"

Dwight:Dwight: 'Who stands to benefit from our downfall? The mob? Maybe NASA.'

Jim · Pam · Dwight:Pam (via Bluetooth) is shopping for shoes online during Dwight's conspiracy rant; Jim: "How many shoes do you need?" — Dwight: "Who are you talking to?" Jim: "Pam." Dwight: "She's not here, Jim!"

Michael:Michael announces the perfect wedding venue: 'A local bed and breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm... It's Dwight Schrute. As in Schrute Farms.'

Dwight · Kelly:Dwight confronts Kelly in her 'nook' — a tiny customer service closet — and demands she admit to the conspiracy

Dwight:Dwight on the phone: 'Breathing. Is that you?' / 'Well, I am breathing, yes.' / 'Well, stop. Hold your breath.'

Dwight · Kelly:Kelly: 'Dwight, get out of my nook!' Dwight: 'That's what she said! That's what she said!' — then immediately looks for validation

Jim · Kelly:Jim tries to make small talk with Kelly — Kelly gives one-word answers and leaves. Jim: 'That was weird.' 'Have you ever had a conversation where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?'

Ryan:Ryan's talking head: 'I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim... I played it full-on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it costs.'

Stanley · Jim:Jim asks Stanley if Kelly might be mad at him. Stanley: 'All right. Livin' in the moment. I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full-on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top.'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan mentions Kelly's America's Got Talent finale party — Jim didn't go. 'Crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there.' 'You were, remember you being there.' Jim: 'I wasn't, but thank you.'

Pam · Jim:Via Bluetooth: 'I said you definitely should go, but you wanted to visit me instead.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim tries to see Dwight's coffee mug (to confirm it's the Kelly party favor). Dwight hides it: 'No! Is that it? No. Why?'

Jim · Dwight:Jim tells Dwight: 'I think it was Kelly... she's mad at us for not coming to her party.' Dwight: 'Man, I knew it. Who are her co-conspirators?' Jim: 'Probably just Kelly.' Dwight: 'Obviously. I knew it.'

Jim · Dwight · Michael:Jim and Dwight's mutual 'I knew it the whole time, buddy!' celebration — Dwight is so loud Michael hears from his office

Michael:Michael confronts Kelly: 'Let me paint you a picture, of a little girl from southern India, who, despite being welcomed into this country, will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit.'

Michael:Michael to Kelly: 'Come on! You juked the stats, cupcake.'

Kelly · Michael:Michael says he'll give Kelly one last chance. Kelly: 'I love your tie, Michael.'

Kelly · Michael:Kelly: 'I was raped.' Michael: 'You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that.'

Kelly · Michael:Kelly: 'I was raped.' Michael: 'You cannot say I was raped and expect all your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that.'

Kelly:Kelly confesses: 'I did it because you didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to, and then didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends.'

Dwight · Michael:'We have our confession. I'm calling security.' Dwight reaches for the phone — Michael stops him.

Michael · Dwight:After Kelly's confession: 'You know, she's got a point about you. You do have a problem dealing with people.' Dwight: 'See? I wasn't lying.' Michael: 'You were lying.' Dwight: 'I was lying.'

Michael:Michael's talking head about always having too much leftover guacamole because people don't come to his parties: 'I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael tells Kelly: 'Here's what we're gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry?' Kelly: 'No problem.'

Pam · Alex:Alex appears in New York to kidnap Pam for free wine and cheese at a Chuck Close retrospective — Pam: 'That's gonna be great. Who's Chuck Close?' then immediately: 'I love Chuck Close and his photo-realist paintings.'

Jim:Jim via Bluetooth: 'That's it, I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear.'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'I'm gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you.' (about Alex, to Pam via Bluetooth)

Dwight · Jim:Dwight spots Jim's earpiece: 'Is that the Matsuhashi B400? World's tiniest bluetooth.' Jim: 'May I?' Dwight: 'Don't.'

Dwight · Michael · Angela:Dwight launches into the Schrute Farms wedding sales pitch with full professionalism: 'Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms...' Michael: 'We haven't decided on anything yet.'

Michael · Dwight · Angela:Michael says 'Deal!' before hearing the price; Dwight: 'You already said deal.' Angela: 'Pay him whatever he wants.' Michael: 'Can't argue with that.'