Customer Survey

Michael:Oh my God, Jim! Congratulations! This is amazing! You're engaged! I'm so happy for you!

Jim:Yeah.

Unknown:I think I need to offer to pay for their therapy at this point. Their delusions about engagement are just... they're not healthy.

Michael:We could have a double wedding! You and Pam, me and Holly!

Jim:No.

Jim:We're choosing Jim and Pam.

Michael:We need to find a bridesmaid dress in white right away.

Angela:White? Michael, the bride wears white.

Michael:I know, but we don't have time to order in another color.

Angela:That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

Michael:Mom, I'm getting married.

Michael's Mom:No you're not.

Michael:Yes, I am.

Michael's Mom:Michael, you're not getting married.

Michael:Why does this always happen? Why is it that whenever I'm getting married, nobody believes me?

Michael's Mom:Are you happy?

Michael:No.

Michael:I'm not getting married.

Michael:Psych!

Angela:I can't believe you announced our engagement without asking me first.

Dwight:Angela, I was overcome with emotion. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

Angela:Do you have any idea how much I spent on the fake wedding website domain? Forty-nine dollars a year, Dwight. Forty-nine dollars!

Dwight:I will pay you back.

Angela:You better. I also put down a deposit on the Schrute Farms reception hall. Non-refundable.

Angela:I lost $4,300.

Michael:I lost a fiancée.

Jim:Hey, what's this doing in here?

Angela:Oh my God, that's... that's personal.

Jim:A bridesmaid dress receipt for $800? Angela, this is a customer survey.

Angela:I know what it is. Can you just... put it back?

Jim:For a bridesmaid dress? Who's getting married?

Angela:My cousin. It's complicated.

Michael:You know, it's like Schindler's List. Whoever wins, we all lose.

Michael:Wait, that's not... that came out wrong.

Jim:You're a gold digger.

Pam:I'm not a gold digger. But I've never been with a broke guy. So I can't say it's not something I'm looking for.

Pam:Look at this tiny phone I got. It's so small!

Jim:Where did you even get that?

Pam:I ordered it online from a website in the Netherlands, specifically from a warehouse located in a small town called Apeldoorn, just outside the main industrial district, near the old cheese factory.

Jim:Why would you know all that?

Pam:It was on the shipping label.

Pam:I want to stay connected with Jim all day.

Pam:So I'm texting him constantly at work.

Pam:Which I know is a policy violation, but I'm being sneaky about it.

Jim:Hey, what do you want from the coffee place?

Pam:Oh, just a medium latte with an extra shot and oat milk.

Jim:Medium latte, extra shot, oat milk. Got it.

Jim:Wait, I'm still connected to your Bluetooth.

Pam:Oh no.

Jim:MEDIUM LATTE, EXTRA SHOT, OAT MILK!

Pam:Why are you yelling?

Michael:Dwight, I have to tell you something. The client gave us some negative feedback about your sales approach.

Dwight:Impossible. My sales approach is flawless. They're probably just intimidated by my methods.

Michael:They specifically said you were too aggressive.

Dwight:False. I am assertive, not aggressive. There's a difference. And if they can't see that, then they lack the vision to work with Dunder Mifflin.

Dwight:When I receive negative feedback, my stomach produces excess gastric acid. My esophagus becomes inflamed. Sometimes I feel faint.

Dwight:I'm not laughing. I can't see my face.

Michael:That's not what that means, Dwight.

Andy:Hey, how are your customer scores looking?

Jim:Not great, actually.

Andy:Yeah, well mine are excellent. I'm talking top tier. Consistently high marks across the board.

Andy:I've been thinking about this all day, and I just... I miss them, you know? I really do.

Andy:That's my mug.

Jim:No, it's not. I've had this mug for years.

Andy:Well I want it. So you need to pour out your coffee, and I need you to go get a new mug.

Jim:What? No.

Andy:I'm being very reasonable about this.

Andy:That's my mug! I've had it for years!

Jim:Andy, your face is literally printed on it.

Andy:So? That doesn't mean anything!

Jim:It has your name and your face on it.

Andy:Okay, well, lots of mugs have faces on them!

Andy:This is my face on a mug. Do you see the resemblance?

Jim:I... I don't really see it.

Andy:What do you mean you don't see it? It's my face!

Jim:I know, but like... on the mug, that guy looks way happier than you ever do.

Jim:Hey, did you see Dwight's shirt today?

Pam:Yeah, what color would you even call that?

Jim:I don't know, it's like... a dijon mustard with hints of saffron and possibly a touch of curry powder that's been left in a hot car for three weeks.

Pam:That's... oddly specific.

Jim:I've had a lot of time to think about it.

Dwight:You know what? I've noticed you talking to yourself all day. That's what people do when they don't have friends. They talk to themselves.

Michael:We need to find a tentist.

Dwight:A what?

Michael:A tentist. Like a dentist, but for tents.

Michael:Impressive tent professional credentials. Notably skipping Giuliani's second wedding.

Michael:I got a customer review today and... it's not great. They said our service was poopy.

Dwight:Poopy? That's a serious concern.

Michael:I know, I know. But that's the exact word they used. Our customer service was poopy.

Michael:It says here the customer is very 'flustrated.'

Jim:I think they meant 'frustrated.'

Michael:No, no, Jim. They clearly said 'flustrated.' That's when you're frustrated AND flustered. It's a combination word. I'm going to use it from now on.

Jim:Our customer satisfaction scores are really important. They determine bonuses, raises, everything.

Jim:So I've been working extra hard on my accounts, staying late, really going the extra mile.

Jim:And it paid off. I got a huge bonus this quarter.

Jim:You know what I did? I used it to help my parents retire early. They've been working their whole lives.

Jim:So now they can finally take that trip they always wanted, spend time with their grandkids...

Jim:It felt good, man. Really good.

Jim:We're buying a house. Yeah, we got a great deal on it. The previous owners were very motivated sellers. Apparently, they lost their jobs in 2008 and never recovered. But that's their loss, our gain!

Jim:We bought a house without telling anyone.

Pam:It's going to be great!

Jim:Yeah, we're calling it a fun surprise.

Dwight:A fun surprise? That's financial disaster!

Michael:Our customer service scores are down. Way down. Someone want to explain that?

Jim:Well, I may have told a customer that their concerns were 'adorable.'

Michael:You told a customer their concerns were adorable?

Jim:In my defense, they were complaining about the font size on their invoice. But yeah, it was worth it.

Michael:What do you call a manager who manages really small things?

Jim:Micro-gement.

Dwight:Yes, hello? Uh-huh. Yes, I see. That's a serious situation.

Dwight:Okay, I'm going to need you to fax me all of those documents immediately.

Dwight:No, I don't care if it's 11 PM on a Sunday.

Jim:Dwight, there's no one on the phone.

Dwight:That's what they want you to think, Jim.

Jim:Yeah, the name's Buttlicker. First name, Lord.

Dwight:What kind of ridiculous name is 'Halpert'?

Jim:Ridiculous? My family has carried this name with pride for generations.

Dwight:It sounds made up.

Jim:Well, it's not. And I'm deeply offended by your insinuation.

Jim:Hold on a second, I'm getting another call.

Jim:Hey Dwight, it's me. Yeah, I'm calling to tell you that you're an idiot.

Jim:No, I'm serious. You're a complete moron.

Jim:Okay, I gotta go. Bye.

Michael:Okay everyone, I need you all to speak up. I'm having a little trouble hearing today.

Jim:Michael, you can hear fine.

Michael:What? Speak up!

Dwight:DAVIDDDDD!

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, that's enough.

Michael:Okay, okay, I'm taking over this call. I've closed more deals than all of you combined.

Jim:Michael, this is a million-dollar account—

Michael:A million dollars? Please. I once sold a guy a copier he didn't even need. He cried. Happy tears.

Dwight:Sir, that was me. You sold me a copier.

Michael:Exactly. And look at you now. You're the Assistant Regional Manager.

Dwight:Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Michael:That's what I said.

Dwight:Please don't fire me, Mr. Scott. I'll do anything. I'll work weekends, I'll take a pay cut, I'll even shave my beet farm down to half size.

Michael:Dwight, you closed the million-dollar sale. You're not getting fired.

Dwight:Really? So I can keep my beets?

Michael:Yes, but now I have to figure out how to tell corporate that you used their confidential client list to blackmail the buyer.

Michael:The bride gets her own sweet suite.

Angela:A tent wedding? That's just a hobo house with string lights.

Dwight:Actually, a hobo house is typically constructed from corrugated metal and found materials, whereas a tent uses a fabric canopy stretched over a frame. They're structurally distinct.

Michael:Done and done.

Michael:Done and done and done.

Michael:Done, done, done, done, done.

Angela:The barn must have exposed beams, string lights, and a dance floor made of reclaimed wood from a 200-year-old barn in Vermont.

Dwight:I know a barn like that.

Angela:It also needs to be climate-controlled to exactly 68 degrees, with a separate entrance for the cats, and the hay must be hypoallergenic.

Jim:So... not a barn.

Dwight:I've been thinking about this, Jim. Customer service representatives are listening to our car conversations through the infotainment systems.

Jim:Dwight, that's not how any of this works.

Dwight:That's exactly what someone who doesn't understand government surveillance would say.

Dwight:It could be NASA. They have the technology and the motive.

Jim:Dwight, why would NASA sabotage our office?

Dwight:Why wouldn't they? They're always up to something.

Jim:Wait, how many pairs of shoes does one person need?

Pam:Oh, here we go...

Jim:No, I'm serious. You have black shoes, brown shoes, sneakers... I think that covers it.

Pam:You need shoes for different outfits, different occasions—

Jim:You need shoes for your feet. Everything else is just... footwear theater.

Jim:...

Dwight:Pam isn't here.

Jim:I know.

Dwight:I found the perfect wedding venue.

Jim:Where?

Dwight:Schrute Farms. It's my own beet farm.

Jim:Kelly, stop breathing.

Kelly:*breathing sounds*

Dwight:Kelly, I know what you're up to. You've been conspiring with Ryan again, haven't you?

Kelly:What? No! Dwight, I literally have no idea what you're talking about.

Dwight:Don't play dumb with me.

Kelly:I'm not playing. You do this like every week. You accuse me of something crazy, and I'm always just confused.

Kelly:The reviews are bad because people are jealous of me. I'm the face of Dunder Mifflin. Whenever I walk into a room, heads turn. Men want to be with me, women want to be me. So obviously people are going to leave bad reviews because they can't handle my success and my beauty.

Dwight:That's not why the reviews are bad, Kelly.

Kelly:Oh my God, you're so jealous right now.

Kelly:Get out of my nook!

Dwight:That's what she said.

Michael:That's what she said.

Jim:Did you notice Kelly was being really quiet today?

Pam:Yeah, it was weird. She usually never stops talking.

Jim:I know, right? It's like she broke or something.

Pam:Seriously. I think I prefer it this way though.

Ryan:You were totally at that party last night.

Jim:Ryan, I wasn't there. I was home.

Ryan:No, I saw you. You were by the beer pong table.

Jim:That wasn't me.

Ryan:Dude, I remember because you were wearing that exact shirt.

Jim:Ryan, I have multiple shirts.

Dwight:I've cracked the case! I know exactly who did it!

Jim:Okay, Dwight, maybe we should just—

Dwight:No time for caution, Jim! I'm going in!

Jim:Dwight, wait, just think about this for a second—

Dwight:False! Thinking is for people who don't know the answer!

Jim:That's not... that's not how that works.

Dwight:Crime she did commit and life in prison for falsifying surveys.

Kelly:I can't come in today, my dog is sick.

Michael:Kelly, your dog has been sick for three years.

Kelly:I may have written some fake reviews on Yelp because people weren't coming to my parties.

Kelly:I'm hosting a party and nobody's coming. I'm just sitting here eating leftover guacamole alone.

Kelly:Why do I even make so much guacamole? Nobody ever comes to my parties anyway.

Alex:Hey Pam, I'm going to a Chuck Close exhibition at the gallery this weekend. Want to come?

Pam:Who's Chuck Close?

Pam:Oh, I love his work!

Dwight:Is that a Bluetooth?

Jim:Don't.

Dwight:I offer 24/7 availability for wedding planning. Nights, weekends, holidays — I don't sleep. I have perfected the art of the power nap. Four minutes, fully clothed, on a chair. I wake up completely refreshed.

Dwight:I will take over all wedding planning duties. I have extensive experience in event coordination and logistics.

Michael:Really? Oh thank God. Yes, absolutely. Whatever you need, just tell me the cost and—

Dwight:Fifteen thousand dollars.

Michael:Done. Wait, what?