The Convict

Michael:Hey, look at me! I'm a baby! I'm one of those babies from Look Who's Talking. What am I thinking? Look at all those staplers. What's a stapler? I don't even know. I'm a baby.

Michael:Hey, Mom! I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty, Mama. I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from. Breasts!

Hannah · Michael:Awkward silence after Michael's breast comment

Michael:Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. I'm just kidding.

Michael · Jan:Oh, you are such a racist. Wait, why am I a racist? Because you think he's black. He is black, right?

Michael:like a white guy... who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake.

Michael:He was probably at a sporting event and saw some people pushing each other. And he intervened. Why would anyone go to jail for that?

Angela:As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that.

Andy:I am so horny.

Andy:Tell me about that Indian chick Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.

Jim:That would be fun for no one.

Dwight:Dwight's panicked overreaction to hearing about the convict

Dwight:I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsie.

Jim:She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags with the old guy.

Michael:And that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb person, okay?

Michael · Pam:As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust, and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam, tell me a white person you trust. My dad. Danny Glover.

Michael · Andy:Jesus. Apollo Creed.

Michael:Close your eyes. Picture a convict... That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.

Michael:I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like I what I do here every day.

Martin:It was a little bit bigger than Michael's office. But you know, I really only slept there.

Kevin · Stanley:Kind of sounds like prison's better than Dunder-Mifflin. I would so rather be in prison.

Hannah · Michael:You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow. Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of 'em.

Andy:Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There's no getting around it.

Andy:Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?

Pam:Pam's stunned reaction to Andy's pig Latin approach

Ryan · Michael:What is that, like, five pounds? It's two and half. I'm not going for bulk. I'm going for tone.

Michael:These people do realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.

Jim · Andy:But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice? Yep, that's perfect.

Michael:I'm Prison Mike. You know why they call me Prison Mike?

Michael:Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?

Michael:You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap. Don't drop the soap.

Kelly · Michael:Where did you learn all of this? Internet. So not prison. And prison. It's 50/50. Both.

Michael · Jim:I kidnapped the President's son and held him for ransom. That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike. An I never got caught neither.

Michael:Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelets. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.

Michael:The worst thing about prison was... was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place, and they were scary.

Andy · Michael:Dementors like in Harry Potter? No, not Harry Potter. There were no movies in prison.

Martin:There were certain elements of what you performed I've seen on television, but it didn't remind me of my time in prison.

Michael:They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom.

Toby:They're teasing you. To be funny.

Michael:Time off for good behavior!

Michael:And that is not because he is black.