A Benihana Christmas

Dwight:This is a goose.

Jim:Is it... dead?

Dwight:She's not dead. She's resting. And it's a *goose*, not a gander.

Dwight:I accidentally ran over the goose. It was a Christmas miracle.

Jim:We have a dead goose.

Jim:Come on, that's the answer! Why would you even ask?

Dwight:I was going to butcher a duck, but everyone got attached to it.

Coworker:You were going to butcher a duck?

Dwight:Yes. For food. What did you think I meant?

Dwight:You can use every part of the goose. The feathers for pillows, the meat for food, the bones for broth, and the grease—you can get it canned at any grocery store.

Jim:Yeah, Dwight, that's a great synergy with the roadkill.

Toby:Look, I've thought about this long and hard. We can keep the goose, but it has to stay in the break room and we need to establish a cleaning schedule.

Pam:Michael, can you please remove the dead goose from my desk?

Michael:Pam, that goose is da bomb. That's what's up.

Michael:Pam, Pam, Pam... you know what I love about the holidays? The food. And you know what I love about you? Your name. So I've been working on some Christmas jokes. Ready? What do you call Pam when she's making cookies? Pam-per-nick-el. No wait, Pam-cake! Get it? Because you're sweet like a pam— okay, Pam-esan cheese. You're grate. You're absolutely grate, Pam. What do you call Pam in the spring? Pam-pas grass. Is this working? I feel like this is working. Pam-kin pie. You're Pam-tastic. Why am I like this?

Pam:Michael, these tires are completely worn down.

Michael:Yeah, well, I test drove it. You know, to make sure it was safe.

Pam:You test drove it? Michael, this bike is clearly used.

Michael:I know that. I'm not an idiot. I test drove it extensively. Very extensively.

Ryan:Wow, that's a really nice bike.

Michael:Carol, you're here early. You look amazing. Did you do something different with your hair? Or is it just that you're a woman and you're trying?

Michael:Everyone, I'd like you to meet Carol. Isn't she great? Look at her. Just look at her. She's perfect. I'm so lucky. Guys, seriously, look at how beautiful she is.

Carol:Michael, maybe we should sit down...

Michael:No, no, stand up. Stand over there. Turn around. See? Isn't she amazing? I basically won the lottery.

Michael:So Carol, I wanted to show you something special. I made us a Christmas card.

Carol:Oh Michael, that's so sweet!

Michael:Yeah, I photoshopped myself into a picture of your family. Now we're all together.

Carol:Wait... you photoshopped yourself in?

Michael:Yeah! I figured it was time we became a real family. You could say I really... cut and pasted myself right into your heart.

Michael:Well, you know, sometimes in a relationship, you have to create memories that should have happened. It's like... it's like Photoshop for the soul.

Michael:I was trying to give us a gift. A beautiful lie wrapped in the package of love.

Jim:Michael's Christmas card was... bold. And I don't even know what that means in this context.

Carol:Michael, this isn't working. I think we should break up.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Carol, Carol, Carol. You know what we need? A vacation. Just you and me. Somewhere tropical. I'm thinking Sandals Jamaica. They have a water volleyball tournament.

Carol:Michael, did you hear what I just said?

Michael:I heard you. And that's why we need this vacation. We can reconnect. I'll even let you pick the resort.

Pam:Jim, I got you something special for Christmas.

Jim:What is it?

Pam:Open it.

Jim:Wow, this is... a scrapbook?

Pam:It's documentation of every prank we've pulled on Dwight over the last three months.

Jim:This is incredible. There's got to be like fifty pranks in here.

Pam:Fifty-two, actually. I've been keeping track. Salt in his coffee, his stapler in Jello, fake emails from corporate, replacing his lunch with identical-looking subs made of sponge...

Jim:And he still has no idea it was us.

Pam:Not a clue. He thinks he's going crazy.

Dwight:Michael told everyone he went to magic camp as a kid. He didn't. He went to a volleyball camp and got hit in the face with a ball so hard he had amnesia for three days.

Pam:So yeah, that's been going on for like three months. Sorry I didn't wrap it.

Michael:I'm declaring a company-wide holiday. Everyone gets the day off.

Dwight:On what grounds, sir?

Michael:Personal problems. I'm going through a lot right now.

Jim:Michael, you can't just cancel a federal holiday because of your breakup.

Michael:I'm the regional manager. I can do whatever I want.

Stanley:You can't just cancel a holiday.

Michael:Oh, I can't? Oh really? What if I cancel all the holidays? I'm gonna cancel Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Halloween.

Stanley:You can't cancel Halloween.

Michael:Oh, I can't? Just watch me. Boom. Cancelled.

Michael:Stanley, if you don't start showing more enthusiasm around here, I'm canceling New Year's.

Stanley:You can't cancel New Year's.

Michael:Jim, make a note of that. Stanley just challenged my authority.

Jim:How am I supposed to enforce that?

Michael:I don't know, but you better figure it out.

Phyllis:I think the Christmas party is fine. It's what we do every year.

Michael:Oh, that's what you think? Well, you know what? That's sad. That's really sad. You know what your problem is? You're content with mediocrity. You settle. Just like in your marriage.

Michael:It's like this pain just keeps expanding. First it was my chest, you know? Classic heartbreak. Then my stomach. Then my left elbow for some reason. Now my knee hurts. Why does my knee hurt, Jim? We didn't even do knee stuff!

Michael:How do you push away bad thoughts, Jim?

Jim:Um, I don't know. I guess you just... try to think about something else?

Michael:Yeah, well, that doesn't work for me. Because I immediately think about how my hands are too small, and how nobody takes me seriously, and how I'm not a real man.

Dwight:We're short one bathrobe.

Michael:Then we take it from Toby.

Michael:Pam, you know what? I was supposed to go to Jamaica with Carol, but obviously that's not happening anymore. So I was thinking... you want to go to Jamaica with me?

Pam:Michael, no.

Michael:Why not? It'll be fun. We'll go to the beach, drink some drinks, relax...

Pam:Michael, that's not appropriate.

Michael:What? It's just a vacation. Two coworkers, enjoying some time off.

Phyllis:What do you think about these decorations, Angela?

Angela:Well, I think the color scheme is inappropriate. Red is festive, which promotes loose morals. And blue is sad. The only acceptable color is beige.

Phyllis:Beige?

Angela:Beige is the color of neutrality. It doesn't encourage sin or despair.

Karen:What if we did a themed party? Like a decades party or something?

Angela:No.

Karen:Or we could do a costume party?

Angela:No.

Karen:What about just a regular party with snacks and—

Angela:Karen, I'm going to have to let you go from the party planning committee.

Karen:What? You can't fire me from volunteering.

Angela:I just did. Security will see you out.

Michael:Okay, I'm gonna burn these. They're just gonna... they're gonna go away.

Dwight:That's good. That's healthy.

Michael:Yeah. Out of sight, out of mind.

Michael:Carol was the best. God, I miss her.

Michael:You know, I knew I was in love with Holly the moment I saw her. Some people say you can't know that fast, but I knew. Within 24 hours, I was absolutely certain.

Michael:Well, technically it was 23 hours and 47 minutes, but who's counting?

Karen:Does anyone ever stand up to Angela?

Jim:Well, her cats do. They're the only ones brave enough to fight back.

Pam:We're starting our own party committee.

Karen:Yeah, we're calling it 'The Fun Committee.'

Pam:It's basically a rebellion against Angela's Party Planning Committee.

Karen:So the formal name is 'The Committee to Re-Elect Fun.'

Angela:This so-called 'committee' has no official standing. It's not sanctioned by corporate.

Phyllis:Well, we got approval from the branch manager.

Angela:Michael approves of everything. Last week he approved spending a dollar on office supplies.

Phyllis:So what's the problem?

Angela:The problem is I'm allocating exactly one dollar to my competing committee. See how you like operating on a shoestring budget.

Karen:Starting 15 minutes earlier to gain competitive advantage

Angela:I'm taking over the party planning committee. I have a vision.

Dwight:On what authority? I'm Assistant Regional Manager.

Angela:I'm the office administrator. That outranks you.

Dwight:Assistant TO the Regional Manager. There's a difference.

Angela:Not in the hierarchy I'm looking at.

Dwight:Well, you're looking at it wrong.

Jim:Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. We create a Party Planning Committee oversight committee. And I'll be the sole member.

Pam:That's just you.

Jim:Exactly. No conflicts of interest.

Jim:I've carefully considered all the evidence, weighed the arguments from both sides, and I've come to a decision.

Jim:Ruling in favor of my friends.

Michael:You know what? I'm going to treat myself. I'm going to Benihana.

Michael:You know why I love Benihana? It's like dinner and a show. The chef is right there, cooking right in front of you. And he's making eye contact... with me.

Michael:It's the closest I'm going to get to a woman cooking for me while looking at me like that.

Ryan:I can't go. I have a prior commitment.

Jim:What commitment?

Ryan:I'm busy that night. Very busy. With important things.

Ryan:You know what? You should just embrace it. Benihana is actually a great networking opportunity. Very upscale clientele. You might meet someone important.

Jim:You literally just said you can't go.

Ryan:I know. Which is why you need to go. For both of us. Learn something. Grow.

Michael:You know what they say: 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' Well, when life gives you Benihana, you make the best of it. That's what I'm doing. I'm making the best of my heartbreak.

Michael:You see, the Benihana chef, he takes the raw ingredients and he makes something beautiful out of it. That's what I'm going to do with my pain. I'm going to turn it into something... something delicious.

Michael:So I'm going to go home tonight, I'm going to take off my clothes, I'm going to get in the shower, and I'm going to make love to myself. Because that's what the Benihana chef would do.

Michael:Okay, so I'm not saying bros before hoes is always the right thing, but sometimes it is. Like when your bro needs you more than your hoe does.

Michael:And that's why I always say: bros before... shovels.

Michael:Dwight, I need your help.

Dwight:I can't hear you, you're too far away.

Michael:I'm right next to you.

Dwight:Exactly. That's why I can't hear you. If you were standing across the room, I'd hear you perfectly. Physical proximity interferes with emotional hearing.

Michael:I'll have a cocktail. Make it a Screaming Orgasm.

Bartender:We don't have that.

Michael:Okay, how about... a Buttery Nipple?

Bartender:We don't have that either.

Michael:Alright, well then just make me up something. Surprise me. Mix together whatever you think is good. How about some Midori, some of that butterscotch schnapps, some Bailey's, a little eggnog...

Bartender:It's not Christmas.

Michael:I know! That's why I'm asking for eggnog. It's November.

Stanley:I have two Christmas parties to go to? That's like... that's like a nightmare. A Christmas nightmare.

Michael Scott:You know, I've always wanted to learn the art of the knife. I actually know quite a bit about Japanese steel.

Benihana Chef:Ah, yes? What do you know?

Michael Scott:Well, the blade is forged in a very specific way, and the steel comes from a secret mountain in Japan where only the finest—

Benihana Chef:No. You know nothing. This is German steel.

Michael:You know, I can tell you're a romantic. You probably have guys lined up around the block. You're probably juggling like five different relationships right now.

Waitress:What? No, I'm not...

Michael:No, no, it's a compliment. I'm jealous. I wish I could be like that.

Michael:I have an important announcement. This is big. Everyone needs to hear this.

Michael:Your paychecks are in.

Kevin:There's the Dundies at Chili's, or the Christmas party here at the office.

Kevin:Chili's has unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks.

Angela:Kevin, there will be a lot of people at the office party.

Kevin:Yeah, but you'll be there.

Pam:I don't back down from fights. I stand my ground.

Jim:Really? When?

Pam:Well, my parents aren't speaking to my brother right now.

Jim:Because of something he did?

Pam:No one really remembers anymore.

Drunk Waitress:How do you... how do you...

Dwight:I know what you're asking. You want to know how to butcher a goose.

Dwight:First, you need a sharp knife. Slice here, here, and here. Then you hang it upside down and let it bleed out for exactly four minutes. If you go over, the meat gets tough.

Drunk Waitress:No, I was just asking where the bathroom is.

Michael:Did you see how that waitress looked at me? We've still got it, Jim. We're like a couple of young, eligible bachelors out on the town.

Jim:Michael, she was looking at you because you have soup on your shirt.

Michael:That's what I'm talking about. Mysterious. Rugged. She's intrigued.

Michael:That's what she said.

Michael:...Why isn't anyone laughing?

Michael:If you were to steal, say, a breadstick from the bread basket, I would have to report that.

Michael:I know exactly which one she is. She's the... the tall one.

Jim:They're all tall.

Michael:No, no, the really tall one. With the... hair.

Jim:Michael, they all have hair.

Michael:She's got that thing. You know, that thing where she's... she's got the eyes that are... they're looking at you but also kind of off to the side. Very ethnic.

Jim:That's literally every person.

Michael:I'm not blind. I just... I don't pay attention to details. It's different.

Michael:It's like Stevie Wonder not knowing what his girlfriend looks like. He's not blind to love, he's just... blind.

Michael:I was going to identify her by the mark I put on her.

Michael:I branded her like livestock.

Dwight:Yes, this is Dwight. Understood. Okay.

Dwight:The message will self-destruct in five seconds.

Dwight:I understand the gravity of this situation.

Dwight:Okay, here it goes. Five... four... three... two... one.

Dwight:This is a direct order from the CIA, and I will comply.