Happy Hour

Michael · Office Worker:'Not counting the last one, 25.' / 'Count the last one.' / 'Okay, 25 and one girl pushup.'

Michael:Michael offers 'my respect' as the prize for doing more than 25 pushups, then reveals the actual prize is getting to go home early

Michael · Creed:'I say dance, they say how high?' immediately followed by Creed being disqualified for butt too high

Michael:Someone does a pushup and Michael says 'Oh wow! That is adorable!' — implying the attempt was pathetically weak

Michael:Michael compares Stanley doing pushups to 'a mother lifting a car to save her baby'

Unknown:Someone notes that Stanley has 'all this weight that's helping him go down' during pushups

Michael:Michael calls Stanley 'Papa Bear' approvingly as he staggers away

Oscar · Matt:Oscar tries to engineer a run-in with his crush Matt by arriving at the gym early, but Matt says 'No. I always come in at 7:00.' Then Oscar says 'No you don't.' Then Matt says 'Well...'

Oscar:Oscar's talking head about Matt: 'We talked this morning, and we talked at Christmas, so a little momentum there.'

Oscar:Oscar's confessional: 'Couple hours to kill before work' — delivered after we've established he came in early specifically to see Matt

Jim:'You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me' — Jim's line about Oscar's happy hour agenda

Phyllis:Phyllis says she loves going to bars with Bob because she wears something low-cut, men flirt with her, and Bob beats them up

Jim:'I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything.' Then immediately: 'And I love her. I also love her very much.'

Jim · Pam:Jim calls Pam expecting her to want a night in, but she immediately shouts 'Yes! Yes, I would love to!' before he finishes his sentence

Pam:Pam excitedly lists 'Creed, Ryan. Oh, my God, Stanley!' as people she's thrilled to see

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin's coded couple-speak: 'Are you going later? / Sure, if you are. Yes.' followed immediately by Erin threatening to 'cut your face off'

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin's confessional about keeping their relationship secret 'because of the drama' — while talking over each other in perfect sync, clearly enjoying the drama

Andy:Andy talking head: 'That's actually pretty funny, but in general, you know...' — clearly referring to something we can't see or hear

Michael:Michael's excited sequence of saying 'Yes! It's a deal. It's a deal!' after being asked to join happy hour — then immediately pivoting to micromanage Erin

Unknown:Someone references that Pam's 'you-know-whats fill up with you-know-what' from new-mom physiology when she hears a baby cry — 'That would be funny'

Kevin · Pam:Pam arrives at the bar and Kevin, in childlike excitement, immediately engulfs her in a massive hug, shouting 'Oh! I missed you so much!'

Jim:Jim talking head: 'Oh, wow. I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed.'

Dwight:Dwight replies 'That would be sublime'

Dwight:Dwight's deck-vs-porch lecture: 'I'll call this a deck if it'll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof' — delivered as breaking news

Michael:'What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for?' — Michael's opening line to Julie, the blind date set up by Pam's friend

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'Julie laughs at everything' — delivered as if he is personally endorsing her for the role of Michael's date

Michael:Michael tells Julie that Pam and Jim 'work for me, and if they win, they are fired' about the pool game

Dwight · Isabel:Dwight's smooth opener to Isabel: 'Well, well, well. If it isn't Isabel.' Isabel: 'What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?' Dwight: 'A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this.' Dwight: 'Ooh. I love repartee.'

Dwight · Meredith:Dwight interrupts Meredith mid-story about Anderson Cooper ('which I do not have the decency to repeat') to pursue Isabel

Dwight · Isabel:Dwight: 'I didn't think you could teach ESL. I thought that was something you were born with.' / Isabel: 'What am I thinking right now?' / Dwight: 'Are you thinking that I said ESP?' / Isabel: 'Yes.' / Dwight: 'I feel like an idiot. Awesome.'

Michael · Julie:'Are you thinking that I said ESP?' / 'Yes. I feel like an idiot.' / 'Awesome.'

Julie:Julie's confessional: 'I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn't act like a boss at all. If I had a boss like that, we'd never get anything done.'

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'Well, apparently Michael Scott is on a date, and that... That, my friend, changes everything.'

Kevin:Kevin talking head: 'My brother, good head, bad heart. Good head, bad heart.'

Pam · Jim:After Date Mike appears, Pam says quietly to Jim: 'Do you want to just make a run for it?' Jim: 'Maybe.'

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin are at the arcade section of the bar, playing children's games separately (racing game, Whac-A-Mole) to avoid being seen together

Erin:Erin's fantasy of what people would say if they saw them dancing: '"What's up with those two?" "Hey guys, get a bedroom already." "Did we miss the wedding?"' — spoken with dreamy contentment

Dwight · Isabel:Dwight's rapid-fire interrogation of Isabel: blood type, number of brothers, military service in family, dietary habits — all delivered as if screening for a mate

Michael · Isabel:Michael interviewing Isabel like a job candidate: 'Any brothers or sisters?' / '...Vegetarian?' / 'What's your blood type?' / 'O negative. Universal donor.'

Michael · Jim:Michael attempting to tie a cherry stem knot with his tongue in front of Julie as a seduction technique — 'You don't have to do this' / 'Wow. That was close.'

Michael:Michael's confessional: 'I watch reality dating shows like a hawk. And I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.'

Angela · Erin:Angela is teaching Erin Whac-A-Mole: 'Whacking moles. Hit him on the head. Whack! Say it with me. Whack! Extend the fingers more. Whack! Good.'

Angela · Dwight:Angela trying to break up with Dwight at the bar using the contract as leverage — 'You don't need to worry about this whole contract thing anymore.' Dwight: 'It's no worry.'

Angela:Angela tells Dwight she wants 'a big family. Tall, thick. A big, physically big family.' — the criteria becoming increasingly specific and physical

Jim · Pam:After Angela's failed attempt to break up with Dwight at Whac-A-Mole: 'Maybe we should tell her he's not normally like this.' / 'Maybe it should come from a man.' / 'Maybe it should come from a note.' / 'With flowers.' / 'Tomorrow.'

Michael · Bar Manager Ted:Michael climbs on the pool table. Manager: 'You want to pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table?' Michael: 'Yeah! Why don't you send the bill to 23 I Don't Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania?'

Michael · Bar Manager Ted:Bar manager kicks Michael out. Michael: 'We got a problem?' Manager: 'Yes. Homelessness.'

Michael · Jim:After being expelled, Michael says 'She can't talk to us that way' about the manager. Jim: 'It stopped.' Michael: 'Well, I am starting it again!'

Jim · Bar Manager Ted:Jim offers to defuse the situation with the bar manager by going to apologize — manager says: 'Then I am sorry that I didn't kick you out.'

Michael:Michael's book pitch: 'Somehow I Manage' — with a cover picture of himself 'shrugging with sleeves rolled up'

Michael:Manager asks how much of the book Michael has written. Michael: 'I've written all of it. In my head.'

Michael · Bar Manager Ted:Michael and the bar manager discover they both own Chryslers — bonding over Lee Iacocca's book. Michael: 'I own it. But no, I have not read it.'

Michael · Bar Manager Ted:Michael and bar manager Ted do a complete 180 from confrontation to becoming friends, ending with Michael saying 'Shut up.' Ted: 'No, you shut up.'

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin's plan to throw people off: Andy approaches a woman and starts 'talking to himself to confuse other people'

Erin:Erin: 'Hey, big boy. Do you like it when I do that?' — her attempt at flirting with a stranger to deflect suspicion

Andy · Erin:Andy pulls Erin away: 'We didn't say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers.' / 'I was flirting with a man.' / 'What movie? Black Snake Moan?'

Michael:The bar is holding a raffle. Michael's business card is drawn. Michael: 'He is I.' — announcing himself in the third person and then the first person simultaneously

Michael · Raffle Announcer:'Stanley Hudson?' / 'No. No.' / 'Whoa! A lot of Stanley Hudsons in here.' / 'No, it's Michael Scott.' / 'He is I.'

Jim · Pam · Julie:Jim and Pam trying to explain Michael to Julie: 'He's more just...' — followed by long silence and uncomfortable trailing off, ending with 'You can go. Yeah.'

Pam · Julie:Julie tells Pam she's leaving. Pam: 'I'm sorry. He's not usually like that.' / Julie: 'What's he usually like?' / Pam: 'He's more just...' [long pause, trails off]

Michael:Michael, oblivious to Julie leaving, shouts across the bar: 'Hey! Julie, having fun?' right as she's walking out the door

Bar Manager Ted:Bar manager Ted now buddying up to Michael, asking when he's coming for his free lunch: 'You're gonna want to come in on a day that I'm working'

Jim · Oscar:Jim: 'I saw you talking to Hide. Did you hear that dude's life story? It's amazing, right?' Oscar: 'I couldn't understand a word he said.'

Kevin · Oscar:Kevin confronts Oscar about Matt: 'Matt's an okay dude, but he's a dummy. You guys got nothing in common.' Oscar: 'Maybe you're right. I should count myself lucky.'

Andy · Erin:Confessional: Andy and Erin watching their colleagues — 'This is not what I want my relationship to look like' — presumably looking at any number of dysfunctional office couples on the dance floor

Andy · Erin:After Andy's big announcement, Erin says 'You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama.' Andy: 'I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight and Michael debate the Scranton Strangler: Dwight: 'The Scranton Strangler is a professional strangler.' Michael: 'Oh please. I wish he'd come after me. I would be like...' (demonstrates)

Dwight · Angela · Process Server:Dwight is served legal papers at the bar by a process server: 'Dwight Kurt Schrute. You are hereby served...' for breach of contract against Angela for failing to fulfill the child-rearing agreement

Angela · Isabel:Angela, to Isabel: 'Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me. Did he not tell you that?'

Dwight:Dwight's 'Whack.' delivered to the Whac-A-Mole machine immediately after being served legal papers, as a reaction beat

Isabel · Dwight:Isabel says to Dwight: 'You are an impressive specimen.' Dwight: 'Thank you.'

Pam:Pam says they 'have to get home' because she spilled her drink and they 'wouldn't give me a refill' — an absurdly low-stakes reason to leave

Michael:Michael in closing confessional: 'I can't take all the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend Date Mike.' Pause. 'Nice to meet me.'

Jim:'Tell me your story, Hide.' — final line of the episode, Jim inviting the incomprehensible warehouse worker to share his life story as a joke