Gay Witch Hunt

Ryan:I got promoted from temp.

Michael:That's great, Ryan! What's your new title?

Ryan:Vice President of Regional Sales.

Dwight:That's the same title I have.

Michael:No, no. Ryan's is different. His has 'Vice' in front of it.

Ryan:I'm a temp. But I'm not just any temp — I'm a *VP of Business Development*.

Ryan:Well, technically I answer to Michael, but the business cards say VP. That's the important part.

Ryan:Girls love ambition. And a business card. Especially a business card that says VP.

Jim:I have to tell you something. I'm in love with you. What do you want me to say?

Pam:I don't know.

Jim:I'm sorry I didn't say it before I kissed you. And I don't know how long I can work here and see you every day and not tell you this. But I have to.

Jim:That was... that shouldn't have happened.

Pam:Yeah, no, totally. We were just... I mean, we weren't thinking.

Jim:Right. It was just a moment. A weird moment.

Pam:Exactly. And it doesn't mean anything.

Jim:Nothing at all.

Pam:We're just... we're friends. Coworkers.

Jim:Best friends, even.

Pam:So this changes nothing.

Jim:Absolutely nothing.

Jim:She's still gonna marry Roy? After that kiss?

Dwight:I miss Jim. Every morning I wake up and I think about him. The way he used to sit at that desk, the way he would look at me with those eyes... I can't eat. I can't sleep. I just lie awake at night thinking about Jim's stupid face.

Dwight:I miss Jim. He's my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without him.

Dwight:False.

Michael:I don't see what the big deal is. I use that word all the time at home. My kids love it.

Michael:It's just a word. Words don't hurt people. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Michael:Look, Shakespeare in Love? That's not a real movie. Die Hard is a real movie. It's got everything - action, explosions, a guy in a tank top fighting terrorists. That's cinema. That's what separates the men from the boys.

Oscar:Michael, that doesn't even make sense.

Michael:It makes perfect sense. Die Hard is the greatest movie ever made. It's got Reginald VelJohnson.

Michael:I'm not racist. I'm colorblind. I don't see color.

Michael:So when I use the word that I shouldn't use, it doesn't matter because I don't see race anyway.

Michael:Oscar, I want to apologize for what I said. It was a mistake.

Oscar:A mistake? You don't just accidentally say that word.

Michael:You're right, you're right. I'm sorry. I feel terrible.

Michael:I'm not homophobic, I'm very straight. I have no problem with gay people at all. I just... I can't even say the words.

Michael:Gay... gay sex. No, I can't do it.

Michael:Oscar, I just want you to know that I'm totally cool with you being gay. I mean, I've watched Will & Grace.

Michael:So, uh, I have some questions. Like, logistically speaking, how does that even... I mean, where does...

Oscar:Michael, no.

Michael:I'm just trying to be a good ally! That's what allies do, right? Ask detailed questions about the mechanics?

Oscar:Oh, that sounds like a great use of company time.

Oscar:I'm gay.

Andy:Big Tuna.

Jim:Why do you call me that?

Andy:Because you're big and you're a tuna.

Andy:Do you think she's hot?

Jim:Yeah, she's attractive.

Andy:Well, don't get any ideas. She's way out of your league.

Andy:Dude, that woman is crazy. She's like a tuna.

Jim:A tuna?

Andy:Yeah, you gotta throw her back in the water before she drowns.

Jim:It started because I caught a really big tuna.

Pam:Wait, what's your real name again?

Jim:...Jim. It's Jim.

Pam:Right, right. Big Tuna.

Andy:I was in an a capella group in college called Here Comes Treble.

Andy:We were pretty much the best group on campus.

Andy:Jim does this thing where he just looks at the camera like it's going to change something.

Jim:*looks at camera*

Andy:Like that. See? Nothing changed. Your problems are still there, Jim.

Phyllis:Well, Oscar's always talking about interior decorating, and he's very well-groomed. Plus he cried during that movie where the dog dies.

Michael:So Angela, I've been thinking... you know, Oscar's gay, right? And I'm wondering if maybe you're... you know... I mean, you're very... structured. Very organized. That's a gay thing, right?

Angela:Michael, what are you talking about?

Michael:I'm just saying, the way you organize those cat figurines, and you always wear those sensible shoes...

Angela:I'm not gay, Michael. I'm a Christian woman with a cat.

Michael:Okay, okay. I'm just trying to be an ally here.

Dwight:What is gaydar?

Michael:It's this device you can buy. It's like a radar, but for gay people.

Dwight:Where do you buy it?

Michael:Sharper Image. It's right next to the USB-powered Popsicle maker.

Michael:I have a gaydar. It's extremely accurate.

Dwight:That's not a real thing.

Michael:Yes it is. I went to RadioShack and I got it.

Dwight:RadioShack doesn't sell gaydar devices.

Michael:Well, I didn't find it at RadioShack. I found it at Best Buy.

Dwight:Best Buy doesn't have those either.

Michael:Actually, I got it at the Sharper Image. They have all kinds of crazy stuff there.

Pam:Jim and I were supposed to get married, but he got out.

Pam:Well, the practical upside is we have enough frozen wedding food to last us like six months.

Jim:That's not really a silver lining, Pam.

Pam:It kind of is though. Do you know how expensive catering is?

Kevin:I got married three times. Three different toasters. Never bought one.

Michael:Oscar, I just want you to know that I'm very supportive of your lifestyle. And I have to say, I'm impressed. I did not know you were cool.

Oscar:Yeah, Michael, I'm just like Rock Hudson. Except instead of being a famous actor, I'm a accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And instead of being closeted, I'm just really, really boring.

Oscar:You know, gay men are always portrayed as these flamboyant stereotypes in the media. It's frustrating because we're so much more diverse than that. But you know who I respect? Harry Connick Jr. That man can sing, act, and he's genuinely talented. Not a stereotype in sight.

Dwight:My calculator! Idiots!

Dwight:What is this? What am I looking at here?

Dwight:This is... this is unacceptable.

Dwight:Who did this? I demand to know who is responsible for this.

Dwight:This is not funny. This is sabotage. This is a direct attack on my workspace, my productivity, and my dignity as Assistant Regional Manager.

Dwight:I will find out who did this, and there will be consequences. Severe. Consequences.

Michael:I'm very progressive. I watch a lot of TV. I'm familiar with all the major shows.

Michael:I love 'Will & Grace.' I love 'Friends.' I love 'Sex and the City.'

Jan:Those are all shows about gay people.

Michael:Yes, and I'm very supportive of the gays. I watch 'Queer... Eye for the Straight Guy.'

Michael:You know what? I'm all for gay pride. It's a beautiful thing. But you know what the opposite would be? Gay Shame Festival. Where we just walk around and point at people like, 'Shame! Shame on you for being gay!' No, that's not... that's not a good idea.

Michael:Oscar and Angela? No, no, no. They would never... I mean, Oscar's... and Angela's so... No.

Michael:Actually, you know what? Yeah. Yeah, I could see that. They're both very... organized.

Michael:No, wait. No. That's crazy. Forget I said anything.

Jan:Just imagine if you were gay.

Michael:If I were gay, I would think you were a woman.

Michael:I will personally ensure that this office is a beacon of sensitivity and acceptance. I'm committing to 100,000 years of diversity training.

Michael:So Oscar, were you the first gay person I ever met?

Oscar:I don't know, Michael. Probably.

Michael:See, that's a trick question though, because if you were the first gay person I knew, then I didn't know you were gay until I knew you. So technically, you weren't gay until I knew about it.

Oscar:That's not how it works.

Michael:I'm just saying, from my perspective, you became gay.

Michael:This is actually beautiful. The cinematography, the lighting... it's really well done.

Michael:I mean, look at the way they're... connected. It's very artistic, very tasteful.

Michael:You know, I appreciate all forms of human expression. This is no different than a Michelangelo. Two bodies, entwined... it's poetry.

Michael:The word 'gay' has had a very interesting history. It originally meant 'happy' or 'carefree.' Then in the mid-20th century, it became a term for homosexual individuals. And now, in 2010, it just means 'bad.'

Michael:We need to create a workplace where everyone feels welcome, regardless of their sexual orientation. Whether you're heterosexual or homo... sapiens.

Michael:Oscar, I think it's time you came out. For you. For your own good.

Oscar:Michael, I'm already out.

Michael:No, I mean really out. Publicly. Everyone should know. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Oscar:I've told you, everyone here already knows.

Michael:Well then you should tell them again. Louder. So they really hear it.

Creed:I'm not a homophobe. I'm cool with gay people. I have a very open mind. Back in the '60s, I experimented. I was in a band, you know, there were a lot of drugs going around. One time, I ended up in a car with this guy, and we did some things I'm not proud of. But I didn't know he was a guy until halfway through.

Michael:I'm not homophobic. I'm all for gay marriage. But calling it 'monkey sex'? That's just what I call it.

Dwight:So which employees do you think are gay?

Michael:I don't know, Dwight. Why are you asking me this?

Dwight:Well, what about Phyllis?

Michael:Phyllis? No, no, Phyllis is not gay.

Dwight:Are you sure? She has very short hair.

Michael:Wow, Phyllis. Bob Vance. I have to say, I am very surprised. And happy for you. But mostly surprised.

Michael:Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration? He's really stepped up.

Phyllis:Everyone thought you were gay in high school.

Michael:What? No!

Michael:I'm not gay. I'm very much into women. But if I were gay, I'd be an amazing gay guy. I'd probably... I don't know, wear really cool clothes and go to the best restaurants and have tons of friends who thought I was hilarious.

Oscar:Personal space.

Michael:I have something very important to tell you. Something I've been waiting to say for a long time.

Michael:I'm going to lean in now, and when I do, I want you to know that this means everything to me.

Michael:Here it comes...

Michael:I'm going to kiss Oscar.

Oscar:What? No!

Michael:Yes.

Michael:I'm not gay.

Michael:You know, love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably crap.

Michael:We're gonna put this matter to bed.

Michael:That's what she said. Or he said. Or they said. I'm not gonna assume.

Oscar:I got three months paid vacation out of the company. You know what I learned? If you're gonna be discriminated against, you might as well get paid for it.

Jim:His satisfied reaction to whatever just worked