The Dunder-Mifflin staffers join in kindergarten-like festivities for Valentine's Day while Michael heads to New York City for a conference with the corporate heads. After showing the documenters a tour of his favorite city, Michael accidentally lets slip to the others at the conference that he and Jan hooked up, and he finds himself in hot water when Jan and the new CFO of Dunder-Mifflin hear the story. Back in Scranton, Pam becomes irked when she discovers that Roy hasn't gotten her anything for Valentine's Day, Dwight struggles to find a gift for Angela, and Kelley talks off Jim's ear about her rather desperate affections for Ryan, who is less than interested.
Cringe-fueled romance chaos sustains 45 jokes across Valentine's Day office chaos.
Directed by Greg Daniels · Written by Michael Schur
WAR
41.4
Wins Above Replacement
“Valentines Day” ranks #82 of 186 The Office episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 79.2 — Elite. The episode packs 45 scored jokes at 2.2 per minute, averaging 6.9 on craft and 6.9 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Pam: Valentine's Day gifts should be about the gesture, not the price tag.
Dwight: I understand. I'm giving Erin a ham.
Pam: A ham? Why a ham?
Dwight: It's the gesture of giving. A ham is a generous gift. It shows I care.
Dwight: Did you leave this on my desk?
Jim: Maybe.
Dwight: What is it?
Jim: Open it.
Dwight: It's a bobblehead of me.
Jim: Yeah, I thought you'd appreciate having a little you to keep you company at your desk.
Jim Dwight Visual Gag Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Callback Ryan: Kelly and I are not in a relationship. We hooked up once. She's been overestimating the significance of the encounter.
Ryan Deadpan/Understatement Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Michael: I'd have to be a raving lunatic to talk to Jan.
Michael: Jan just sent me an email calling me a raving lunatic.
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dwight: A successful relationship is like a wolf pack. There is an alpha male, and there is an order to things. The wolf is the most loyal creature in nature.
Dwight: A man must be the wolf. He must be strong, he must be fierce, and he must always be alert.
Dwight: The female wolf, she is there to support the alpha. To nurture him. To make his den comfortable.
Dwight: And when the wolf mounts the female from behind, it is not violent. It is tender. It is a beautiful dance of nature.
Dwight Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 45 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Pam: Jim gave me this card last Valentine's Day. It's a picture of Dwight on the front.
Pam: And inside it says, 'I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious... about you.'
Pam: But the really disturbing part is that Jim drew Dwight's face to look exactly like him, but with like, really intense eyes staring right at you.
Pam: It's hilarious but also kind of creepy. I don't know why he thought that was romantic.
Pam Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Phyllis: "From Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration."
Dwight: So you want me to come to New York with you?
Michael: No. Do the opposite of that.
Michael: So you know that Jan and I have been...
Dwight: Screwed.
Michael: I'd have to be a raving lunatic to talk to Jan.
Michael: Jan just sent me an email calling me a raving lunatic.
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Michael: I'm not going to New York to fall in love. I'm going for business.
Dwight: That's right. New York is the city of love. You'll be fine.
Michael: That's Paris, Dwight.
Dwight: False. New York. It's right there in the song.
Dwight Character Comedy Observational Michael: I own New York City. I basically run the place. *adopts terrible accent* 'Ey, fuggedaboutit! I'm walkin' here! I'm walkin' here!' That's how they talk there.
Michael Character Comedy Physical/Slapstick Michael: New York, the city so nice they named it twice
Michael: Oh, you mean Manhattan? That's the other name for New York.
Michael Character Comedy Observational Jim: Yeah, so I'm gonna go play poker with the guys on Valentine's Day. I mean, what else am I gonna do? Spend time with my wife? That's what idiots do.
Jim Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Dwight: Did you leave this on my desk?
Jim: Maybe.
Dwight: What is it?
Jim: Open it.
Dwight: It's a bobblehead of me.
Jim: Yeah, I thought you'd appreciate having a little you to keep you company at your desk.
Jim Dwight Visual Gag Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Callback Dwight: A bobblehead? Of me?
Dwight: This is the greatest gift I have ever received.
Dwight: I'm going to treasure this forever.
Dwight Character Comedy Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Dwight: Wait... I'm the bobblehead? I'm the bobblehead! Yes! Finally! This is the greatest day of my life!
Dwight Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Michael: I love this place. It's my favorite New York pizza joint. I come here every time I'm in the city.
Michael: The pizza here is authentic. Real New York style.
Michael: See? Look at all these locals.
Michael: Wait... why is everyone wearing 'I ❤️ NY' shirts?
Michael Character Comedy Observational Kelly: She literally said out loud what she was thinking
Kelly Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Ryan: Kelly and I are not in a relationship. We hooked up once. She's been overestimating the significance of the encounter.
Ryan Deadpan/Understatement Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Michael: So this building was named after the founder, William Dunder. 'Dunder' is actually an ancient Greek word meaning 'place of paper.' And Mifflin? That's Old English for 'the best.' So Dunder Mifflin literally means 'the best place of paper.' Pretty cool, right?
Michael Character Comedy Observational Michael: You know, New York has some of the greatest restaurants in the world. I'm talking about the real five-star establishments that define fine dining.
Michael: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Applebee's... these are the pinnacles of civilization.
Michael Character Comedy Observational Michael: The subway system in New York is actually a marvel of modern engineering. It's clean, it's efficient, it's a real testament to urban planning.
Michael: What is that smell? Oh my god, is that a rat?
Michael Observational Cringe/Discomfort Michael: Did you know Rockefeller Center was built by David Rockefeller?
Dwight: Actually, it was John D. Rockefeller.
Michael: That's what I said. David.
Michael Character Comedy Observational Michael: Oh my God, is that... Tina Fey?
Random Woman: No, I'm not Tina Fey.
Michael: Right, yeah, I knew that. I was just... testing you.
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Physical/Slapstick Michael: Wait, wait, wait. You're not... you're not the real Tina Fey?
Woman: No, I'm not.
Michael: Oh my God. I've been... this whole time I thought you were... and you're just a regular person.
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Escalation Callback Angela: I can't believe I didn't get a single Valentine's Day gift. Not one!
Dwight: Oh, you'll get something. Trust me.
Angela: How do you know that?
Dwight: Because I'm going to give you one.
Michael: New York is like a drug. Actually, Scranton is like a drug. No wait, New York is like a drug you take once and it's amazing. Scranton is like a drug you take every day and it becomes part of your life. Actually, both are like heroin.
Michael: You know, this presentation is like Desert Storm. I'm going in, I'm taking fire from all sides, and I'm not coming out until I've secured the oil—I mean, the sale.
Kevin: Wow, that's a huge arrangement. Bob must really love you.
Phyllis: He does. Very much.
Kevin: Yeah, well, he better. That's gotta cost like... a lot of money.
Josh: Michael, this is Craig. Craig, this is Michael.
Craig: I've been banned from every strip club in the city.
Michael: Really? How does that even happen?
Craig: I'm very proud of that accomplishment.
Pam: Valentine's Day gifts should be about the gesture, not the price tag.
Dwight: I understand. I'm giving Erin a ham.
Pam: A ham? Why a ham?
Dwight: It's the gesture of giving. A ham is a generous gift. It shows I care.
Craig: Jan is the worst. She's so annoying.
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jan is a brilliant businesswoman. She's smart, she's driven—
Craig: Yeah, well she can go f*** herself.
Michael: Okay, that's unnecessary.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey! You can't talk to her like that. She's my... she's my...
Michael: ...my boss's ex-girlfriend's... no wait, she's my...
Michael: Look, the point is, Jan is a very important person and I won't have you disrespecting her.
Craig: Wait, why do you care so much?
Michael: Because we're... because I... because respect is important in the workplace, Craig.
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Kelly: I've been thinking about our future together. Like, we could get married, have kids, the whole thing. I'm literally so in love with you.
Ryan: Yeah... cool.
Kelly: ...
Kelly: So Ryan, do you want to go out with me? No pressure or anything.
Ryan: Um, I don't know...
Kelly: Okay, well everyone in the office thinks we're going to get married and have babies, and I've already picked out your wedding ring, so...
Kelly Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Jan: I'm nervous about Michael's presentation.
Jan: He's going to screw it up, isn't he?
Jan Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Michael: You know, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be successful. Is it the money? Is it the power? Or is it something deeper, something more meaningful?
Michael: Because at the end of the day, we're all just trying to find our place in this world, you know?
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Michael: This film could win awards at Sundance, Toronto, maybe even Cannes.
Michael: But that's not why I made it. I made it for the business.
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Michael: Sometimes you need to take a step back and think about what really matters in life. Like, if you're stuck in traffic, don't honk. Instead, think about penguins. Penguins don't honk. Or if you're at the grocery store and they're out of your favorite cereal, just buy seventeen boxes of a different cereal. That's what I do. And if someone doesn't believe in you, just remember: I once taught my goldfish to play chess. Well, not really. But I told people I did, and now everyone respects me.
Great Scott!
Michael Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Oscar: Oh, flowers! Finally, someone remembered me on Valentine's Day.
Kevin: Who's it from?
Oscar: My mom.
Jim: So we're gonna play poker on Friday night. You should come.
Kelly: Oh my God, yes! That sounds so fun. Can I bring Ryan?
Kelly Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm CFO: Craig, where's your financial presentation?
Craig: I'm sorry, what's a financial presentation?
Craig Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Maybe I should've slept with you too.
Craig Cringe/Discomfort Dark/Subversive Callback Michael: Surely you can't be serious.
Jan: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
Michael: Did you just... that's from Airplane!
Michael Meta/Self-Referential Callback Callback Dwight: A successful relationship is like a wolf pack. There is an alpha male, and there is an order to things. The wolf is the most loyal creature in nature.
Dwight: A man must be the wolf. He must be strong, he must be fierce, and he must always be alert.
Dwight: The female wolf, she is there to support the alpha. To nurture him. To make his den comfortable.
Dwight: And when the wolf mounts the female from behind, it is not violent. It is tender. It is a beautiful dance of nature.
Dwight Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Pam: Roy, what did you get me for Valentine's Day?
Roy: Nothing yet. But I was thinking, you know what would be romantic?
Pam: What?
Roy: If you got me a lap dance.
Roy Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Michael: That's not what I meant by 'tool.' I meant like a hammer or a screwdriver.
Craig: Oh, I thought you were calling me an idiot.
Michael: No, no, no. Although now that you mention it...
Michael: You know what? I'm not even upset. I'm going to go home, make myself a nice bagel with cream cheese, and I'm going to say 'oy vey' while I eat it. Because that's what sophisticated people do.
Michael Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ⏩ The part you fast-forward
Our scorer flagged 19:00-20:30 as the stretch with the fewest or weakest comedic moments. Everything else lands harder.
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