Office Olympics

Michael:I'm like an early bird, but also a night owl. So I guess that makes me... a worm.

Michael:You know what, Ryan? I'm gonna let you bring me breakfast tomorrow. Consider it a favor to you.

Ryan:How is that a favor to me?

Michael:Because you get to do something nice for the boss. Yummy yummy.

Ryan:What important task did you call me in early for?

Michael:Breakfast.

Ryan:That's it?

Michael:Well, while I nap, you can organize my desk, alphabetize my files, call my ex-wife and apologize, and maybe touch my stuff a little bit.

Ryan:I'm on a high-protein, low-carb diet.

Michael:You know, back in colonial times, people would keep their books in stocks. Really neat organizational system.

Dwight:Stocks? You mean the wooden restraint device?

Michael:No, no, no. Stocks. Like... stacks of books. Organized stacks.

Jim:Michael, those are called stacks.

Michael:That's what I said. Stocks.

Pam:Jim has a very specific condition. The doctors call it 'being bored all the time.' It's very serious. The only cure is me.

Jim:That's not a real condition.

Pam:It is now. We have a deal. If you ever get bored, you call me, and I will come revive you.

Jim:So I put Dwight's stapler in Jell-O. It's pretty simple really. You just take his stapler, you get a container of Jell-O, and you put one in the other.

Jim:Okay, new rules. We're doing this properly now. First person to hit the mug wins a point.

Pam:Jim, why are we keeping score?

Jim:Because Pam, if we're not keeping score, what's the point? We need structure. We need accountability.

Jim:Best of seven. I'm getting a clipboard.

Dwight:Michael and I are like Mozart and Butch Cassidy.

Dwight:Mozart would kill you. He would kill you dead.

Michael:That's what she said! ...in a very exaggerated Asian accent...

Michael:I'm changing my subscription from Maxim to Cracked.

Pam:Okay.

Michael:I read a lot of sophisticated literature. Proust, Hemingway...

Michael:Okay, fine. Mostly Cracked magazine. But Cracked is very well-written!

Dwight:Come on, Michael, let's put the top down. It's a beautiful day.

Michael:Dwight, it's 40 degrees outside.

Dwight:So? A little cold never hurt anybody.

Michael:Fine. Fine! Put the top down. I'm not gonna be a whiner about this. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a whiner. I'm a big whiner.

Dwight:I am speeding.

Oscar:We've been playing paper football for two years.

Jim:And?

Oscar:I kept score. Every single game. Do you know what that means?

Jim:You have a lot of free time?

Oscar:It means we're both so bored that we've been documenting our boredom.

Jim:What's the name of the game?

Kevin:It's named after Angela's reaction rather than the game itself.

Kevin:Wait, you guys have been playing games this whole time?

Oscar:Not just games. Last week we had a whole tournament bracket for who could microwave fish the longest without anyone complaining.

Kevin:That's insane.

Oscar:Oh, that's nothing. Right now we're running a pool on how many times Jim will get pranked before he actually quits.

Michael:This is going to be perfect. I can already see myself here, you know? Mornings on the balcony with a cup of coffee, maybe a newspaper. Evenings watching the sunset. This is my future right here.

Michael:Wait. Wait, wait, wait. This is the wrong unit.

Michael:What is that sound?

Michael:Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no. That's... that's coming from my condo.

Michael:They're renovating the unit next to me.

Michael:For the next six months.

Michael:Oh no!

Dwight:This condo is smaller than your old place.

Michael:Yeah, but I own it. And ownership is nine-tenths of the law. So technically, it's nine-tenths better.

Dwight:I have a nice old beet farm. We have a beautiful pond, great fishing, and the teenagers around here, they use it for sex.

Jim:Hey Stanley, you want to play a game?

Stanley:No.

Michael:I'm going to hang a portrait of myself right here on this wall. It'll be this big, very imposing, very professional. I'll wear a tuxedo, maybe holding a falcon...

Michael:Ow!

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that Dwight punched through the wall that easily? What does that mean about the structural integrity of this building?

Michael:Oh my God. Oh my God. If Dwight can punch through a wall like that... what's stopping someone from just... walking into my office?

Jim:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Dunder Mifflin Winter Olympics. I have created an opening ceremony using only items from our bathroom.

Jim:And yes, before you ask, these are all from the bathroom.

Jim:Wait, why does it smell like cookies in here?

Jim:So we have a whole medal system based on yogurt lids. Bronze is for eating yogurt, silver is for finishing yogurt, and gold is for... licking the lid clean.

Jim:There's also platinum, but that requires eating yogurt while doing a handstand.

Jim:And diamond, which is just... theoretically possible. No one's achieved it.

Angela:I am fun. I like to have fun. I have fun all the time.

Angela:In fact, I play games with my cats all the time. I dangle things in front of them.

Angela:That's fun.

Michael:Wait, so if I do the 30-year mortgage, I'll be paying until I'm like... 65?

Dwight:Seventy-three.

Michael:What?

Dwight:You're not very good at math.

Michael:Well, look at this craftsmanship! These drywall seams are perfectly taped. And the paint job? Two coats, minimum. You can see the quality here.

Dwight:Michael's 30-year mortgage is like a coffin. He's going to be in debt until he's dead. But here's the thing - if you're in a coffin for 30 years, the other corpses are going to complain about the noise.

Jim:What sport do they play at the Icelandic paper company?

Pam:Flonkerton.

Jim:Flonkerton?

Pam:Yeah, it's like... you throw a ball at a wall and it bounces back and you have to catch it. But if you don't catch it, you have to run around the office.

Pam:Jim gets really excited about the Olympics. It's one of the few things that actually engages him.

Pam:The sad reality is that his job at Dunder Mifflin rarely inspires this kind of enthusiasm.

Michael:You know what the problem with this condo community is? Everyone here is way less attractive than me. I'm like the George Clooney of this place. It's actually unfair to the other residents. I mean, I walk around the pool and I can see them comparing themselves to me. It's tough for them.

Michael:You know what? I've figured out real estate. It's all about location, location, location. But what they don't tell you is that location is based on how attractive the real estate agent is.

Michael:I call it the 'Scott Principle.' If the agent is attractive, the house sells itself. If the agent looks like Phyllis, you're gonna have to drop the price by at least thirty percent.

Michael:I'm great. I'm doing great. Everything's great. I'm a great boss, great friend, great... I'm great.

Jim:And here comes Phyllis from Dunder Mifflin, representing the country of... Phyllistan. She's moving at a moderate pace, which is... generous for someone of her... athletic build. And the crowd goes mild.

Michael:Dwight, because of your help, I have a special reward for you.

Dwight:Thank you, Michael. I won't let you down.

Michael:Starting next month, you're going to pay me rent.

Michael:I have a very generous reward system. When my employees do good work, I give them a bonus.

Michael:And when I give them a bonus, my company's profits go up because I deduct it as a business expense, which lowers my taxes.

Michael:So really, the employee is rewarding me. It's brilliant.

Dwight:I have a terrarium.

Michael:Oh, a terrarium? That's like an aquarium, right? For fish?

Dwight:No, Michael. A terrarium is for reptiles and plants.

Michael:Right, right. So it's like a fish tank, but without the fish. Got it.

Angela:Apparently we're friends now.

Jim:So I'm going to use HO for 'Head Office' in this memo.

Phyllis:Did you just call me HO?

Jim:What? No, I said—

Phyllis:Well, I don't appreciate being called that, and frankly, I'm going to HR.

Dwight:I was so relieved when Michael said he didn't want me to move in with him. I have a personal crossbow range in my basement.

Dwight:We have one bathroom for the entire office.

Dwight:It's in this ridiculous location under the porch.

Michael:Dwight, nobody cares about beets. Nobody has ever cared about beets.

Dwight:That is completely false. Beets are the most nutritious vegetable available.

Michael:They taste like dirt, Dwight. Actual dirt.

Dwight:You clearly have an underdeveloped palate. Schrute Farms produces the finest beets in the region.

Michael:The region? Dwight, nobody in any region wants your beets!

Dwight:False. Bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

Michael:Did you seriously just quote yourself?

Dwight:It's not a quote if it's the truth, Michael.

Michael:You know what? Forget beets. We should grow candy instead. Candy canes, candy corn, syrup of ipecac...

Dwight:Michael, that's insane.

Michael:Oh come on Dwight, think about it. Kids would love it. We'd make millions.

Michael:What is all this? What's going on?

Jim:Oh, hey Michael. We're just, uh... we're doing the Office Olympics.

Michael:Office Olympics?

Oscar:Yeah, we made up some events and we're competing.

Michael:Why wasn't I consulted about this?

Jim:Well, you were in a meeting...

Michael:I see. And what exactly are these events?

Jim:I could put this on my desk, but... it's just going to collect dust. Maybe I'll hang it on the wall? No, that's weird. I earned this fair and square in the Office Olympics, but what does it actually mean? Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

Jim:In five years, I'm going to look at this and think, 'Why do I still have this?' And I'll throw it away. So why not just throw it away now and save myself the trouble?

Jim:Michael just accomplished something amazing. He paid his taxes on time.

Jim:We're all very proud.

Michael:I don't make speeches.

Michael:But I want to say something. When I started here, I was just a kid. And now... now I'm a man. A man who has learned so much from all of you. You've challenged me, you've supported me, and you've made me want to be a better person. So thank you.

Jim:That's second place.

Michael:Why would you choose that as the national anthem?

Jim:Well, it's the Star-Spangled Banner. It literally has 'star' in the name, and we're a star nation.

Michael:What was that sound?

Jim:Those are the doves.

Michael:Those don't sound like doves.

Jim:They're not real doves.