Motivation

Other Character:Is that an earring?

Gareth:What? No. It's a... it's a stud. For my ear. It's not an earring, earrings are for girls.

Gareth:I had to reopen the piercing myself.

other character:You... you reopened it yourself?

Gareth:Yeah, it had closed up. Had to get a needle and just... push it through.

Gareth:What? What are you looking at?

Other Character:Nothing, I just... your ear...

Gareth:My ear is fine. It's a sign of strength.

Other Character:Right, yeah, it looks very... strong.

David:I'll give you a hundred quid to help me with my motivational speaking.

Dawn:A hundred pounds?

David:Well, actually, fifty.

David:Tell you what, I'll do it for thirty.

David:Twenty? You drive a hard bargain, Dawn.

David Brent:I'm not just a boss. I'm a spiritual guide. A leader. A... a friend.

David Brent:I help people find their inner light, their purpose, their—

Tim:You're a regional manager at a paper company.

David Brent:Exactly. A spiritual guide.

David Brent:The thing is, I can't actually say 'World's Best Boss' because that would be making a factual claim that could be challenged in court. So what I did was, I made it a superlative based on a mug. The mug says 'World's Best Boss' — I'm not saying it, the mug is. So legally, I'm in the clear. It's the mug's opinion, not mine.

Gareth:You think you're so great with the ladies, don't you Tim? Well, you're nothing but a Fisher Price man.

Tim:A Fisher Price man?

Gareth:Yeah, that's right. Cheap, plastic, and made for children.

Gareth:I mean, why would she choose Tim? He's not... I'm clearly the better option. I've got prospects, I'm organized, I'm... I'm a man with a plan.

Gareth:But if she wanted to... you know, if she came round one night, I wouldn't say no. Even though she's a bit thick and that. I'm not proud.

Gareth:Anything could happen between us.

Dawn:Like what?

Gareth:Well, you know... we could... I mean, if you wanted to...

Gareth:Not that I'm saying anything will. Obviously nothing will. I was just being hypothetical.

Tim:Do you think Gareth was right? Am I really a weirdo?

Other character:Yeah, absolutely.

Tim:Can you not do that?

Simon:Hi Dawn, it's Simon from IT!

Dawn:Jesus!

Jim:How long is this going to take?

Simon:Well, these things are never simple. It's a complex process that requires patience and expertise.

Jim:Right, but roughly how long?

Simon:One cannot simply rush the digital arts. It's more of an art form than a—

Jim:Yeah, okay. When will it be done?

Simon:It's been done for twenty minutes.

Simon:Okay, Jim, here's what you need to do. Open the file manager, navigate to Documents, find the spreadsheet named 'Q4_Reports', and double-click it.

Simon:Now, do you know what 'double-click' means? It's when you press the mouse button two times very quickly. Can you do that for me?

Jim:Yeah, I got it.

Simon:Great. And you DO know where the mouse button is, right? It's the clicky thing under your hand.

David Brent:You know, I'm like a motivational speaker. I inspire people. It's like watching Rocky or Braveheart or any of those inspirational films.

David Brent:Except, you know, with health and safety guidelines. And a risk assessment form that needs to be filled out in triplicate.

David Brent:I'm not in it for the money, you know. I do it because I love it. I love what I do.

David Brent:But obviously the money's great too. Obviously.

Gareth:So I went go-karting last weekend, right? And this bloke comes up to me and says, 'Aren't you that Formula One driver?' I said, 'No, mate, I'm just here for fun.'

Gareth:But then security pulls me aside because apparently I look identical to Lewis Hamilton. I mean, I can see it, but come on.

Gareth:Next thing I know, they're asking me to sign autographs. I sign a few, why not? Then they're asking about my training regimen and my sponsors.

Gareth:By the end of it, they've got me in the VIP lounge thinking I'm Michael Schumacher's younger brother. Someone's asking me about my pole position record.

Gareth:And I'm just sitting there eating complimentary prawn cocktail crisps while they're discussing my championship wins.

Gareth:So there I was at the speedway, right? And this car comes flying out of nowhere. Smashes right into me. Everyone's screaming, 'He's dead! He's definitely dead!'

Gareth:But I get up. Brush the dust off. Start walking away. And they're all like, 'No, no, he's definitely dead. That's a dead man walking.'

Gareth:Then another car hits me. Full speed. Launches me into the air. I land thirty feet away. Everyone's absolutely certain, 'That's it. He's definitely dead now.'

Gareth:I stand up again, shake it off. And they're beside themselves. 'How is he not dead? He should be dead! He's definitely dead!'

Neil:Your management style is completely outdated.

David:Outdated? That's not radical, dude. I'm totally down with the kids. As they say, 'That's the bomb!' and 'All that and a bag of chips!' Word to your mother!

Gareth:Everybody was kung fu fighting.

Gareth:Those cats were fast as lightning.

Tim:That's not how that film goes.

Gareth:Yeah it is.

Tim:No, it's not.

Gareth:I'm testing you.

Gareth:Bruce Lee isn't really dead.

Gareth:I read it in a book.

Tim:Yeah, because Bruce Lee was famous for being subtle and hard to notice.

David:Right, I'm going to practice my motivational speech on you. I need you to really listen and give me feedback.

Gareth:Yeah, go on then.

David:So, what's your name?

Gareth:Captain Kirk.

Gareth:You're a rubbish boss and your tie is a disaster.

David:Well, I don't think that's fair. This tie is from a very good shop.

Gareth:They call you Bluto.

David:Bluto? Why would they call me Bluto?

Gareth:I don't know.

David:Is it because I look like Bluto? Do I look like Bluto?

Gareth:I don't think so.

David:Well why else would they call me Bluto? There has to be a reason. Is it something I've done? Something I've said?

David Brent:Right, I've been thinking about nicknames. They're important, yeah? They show that people care about you. I've got loads of them. Rory calls me The Cock, because I'm always crowing about something. And Keith calls me The Weasel, because I'm cunning and I'm quick. But the best one, the one that really sums me up, that one came from my ex-wife. She used to call me The Bringer of Light. Not because I'm enlightening or anything, but because... I'm always turning on the lights and forgetting to turn them off.

Other Character:You're a hypocrite. You hate when people call you 'Dave,' but you call everyone else by nicknames.

David:That's different. When I do it, it's out of affection.

Other Character:Okay, Dave.

David Brent:It's body fascism, innit? That's what it is. You're discriminating against me based on my appearance. That's fascism.

David Brent:I mean, yeah, toads are ugly. They're warty and slimy and they hop around looking ridiculous. But that doesn't mean you should call someone that!

David Brent:I don't like nicknames. They're demeaning. But if anyone's gonna have one, it should be Keith. We could call him 'The Cheat.'

David:Neil says he disapproves of my methods.

David:But what he really means is he fears them.

David:I remember everything. I have a photographic memory.

Neil:Really? What did I have for lunch yesterday?

David:Uh... a sandwich?

Neil:I'm vegetarian.

David:A veggie sandwich.

David:Look, let's just agree to disagree.

Neil:No.

David Brent:It's not a date. It's just... we're going out for a drink.

David Brent:A hundred quid? You could get a lot for a hundred quid. You could get... I don't know, a nice meal, some wine, maybe... maybe a little something extra if you know what I mean.

David Brent:I'm just saying, a hundred pounds, that goes a long way in certain establishments. You could probably get two hours, maybe three if you're lucky.

David Brent:I'm not saying I would! I'm just saying hypothetically, that's what's available out there.

David:Hey guys, what's up? Mind if I join?

Other Speaker:Sure, go ahead.

David:So... uh... that's some pretty dank stuff you got there. Very... leafy. I'm about that chronic life, you know? 420 blaze it. I too enjoy the jazz cigarettes and the devil's lettuce.

Other Speaker:Dude, what are you talking about?

David:The sticky icky? The Mary Jane? Pass the dutchie on the left-hand side?

David:No thanks, man. I don't do the gear. I'm just here to chill and hang with my homies.

David:Listen to me. You are all failing. Every single one of you is a disappointment. But that's good news, because the only way to go from here is up. I believe in you... to do better than you're currently doing, which is terrible.

David Brent:They'll say, 'David, you've made it. You've got the money, the power, the respect.' And I'll say, 'Yeah, but at what cost? I sold my soul for a few yankee dollars.'

David Brent:You see, philosophy isn't just about deep thinking. It's about understanding the human condition. And who better to teach us that than someone who's been endorsed by a major celebrity? That's how you know it's real philosophy.

David Brent:I'm 41 now... well, 40. I'll be 41 next year.

David Brent:You know, I think it's important to count your blessings. I've got my health, I've got my job, I've got my friends. And when you really think about it, that's everything, isn't it?

David Brent:I mean, some people, they don't have a job. Some people don't have their health. Some people don't have friends. But I've got all three. I'm a very lucky man.

David Brent:In fact, I'd say I'm luckier than most people in the world. I've got a company car, a mobile phone, a nice suit. I've got a house, a garden. I've got a dog, a cat, a fish. I've got everything.

David Brent:And you know what? I'd rather be dead.

David Brent:No, no, what I meant was... I wasn't saying anything about her appearance, I was just—

David Brent:Look, if it came down to it, euthanasia, that's the way to go. Quick, painless.

David Brent:I need my limbs though. For yoga.

David Brent:Laughter is the best medicine, you know. It's good for you. It releases endorphins.

David Brent:Ha ha ha ha ha!

David Brent:Come on, join in.

David Brent:So this girl from school, right, she's doing brilliantly now. Very successful. And I remember she used to eat chalk in class. Just... chalk. Weird thing to remember, innit?

David Brent:And that's why I believe in you. That's why I believe in all of you. You are the best employees in this office, and I want you to know that. So remember: that's what she said!

David Brent:His awkward karaoke performance to a business audience

David Brent:I think that went really well, didn't it? People were laughing, they were engaged. I could see it in their faces. Best speech I've ever given, honestly. You thought so too, right?

David Brent:I'd rate that speech a solid 7 out of 10. And if you think that was bad, wait until I really put some effort into it.

David Brent:We could go for a pizza, couldn't we?

David Brent:Or we could go for a beer express... You know, like, it's a beer and it's... express. Beer express.

David Brent:That's funny, that is.

David:We're going to have the best time together!

Dawn:Actually, I can't make it.