Crime Aid

Michael:Pam? Paaaam? Pam, Pam, Pam, Paaaam!

Pam:Michael gave me a job at the warehouse so I could make some extra money.

Pam:But now he's down there all the time, and he keeps trying to hang out with me during my breaks.

Pam:I realized I can't escape him. He has constant access to me now.

Michael:Pam? Pam? Pam?

Pam:He's doing the sing-song thing again.

Michael:So Holly, I'm thinking we could do something fun this time. Keep it light. No pressure.

Michael:I mean, I don't really care what we do. Doesn't matter to me. We could just sit in silence. That would be great. That would be the best night of my life.

Michael:I've already picked out baby names. I'm not attached to any of them, but I do have a list. Several lists actually.

Michael:But yeah, whatever you want to do. I'm cool. Very cool. So cool.

Michael:So can you go out tonight?

Holly:I can't, I'm going out.

Michael:You're going out? But I'm going out too.

Holly:Well I can't go out because I'm already going out.

Michael:But we could go out together.

Holly:I can't go out with you because I'm going out.

Michael:You're going out without me?

Holly:Yes, and I can't go out with you because I'm going out.

Michael:This doesn't make any sense.

Holly:That's why I can't go out.

Michael:If Holly sleeps with me on the third date, that means she really likes me. If she doesn't sleep with me on the third date, that means she's playing hard to get, which means she really likes me.

Jim:So what do people call you? Like, do you have a nickname?

Dwight:D-Money.

Jim:D-Money?

Dwight:Yeah. I've already had it printed on the wedding invitations.

Jim:You're not getting married.

Dwight:Not yet.

Jim:D-Money!

Pam:D-Money!

Dwight:That's not even—

Kevin:D-Money!

Dwight:Fine. D-Money.

Jim:D-Money!

Pam:D-Money!

Dwight:D-Money!

Jim:What are you doing?

Dwight:Making a knife.

Jim:With what?

Dwight:A knife.

Jim:You know about me and Pam.

Dwight:I don't know what you're talking about.

Jim:Yes, you do. You know.

Dwight:Know what? I know a lot of things.

Jim:About me and Pam!

Dwight:I don't know anything about you and Pam.

Jim:But you know that I know that you know.

Dwight:I don't know what you think I know, but I don't know it.

Jim:So you admit you know something.

Dwight:I admit nothing! False. I know nothing about your relationship with Pam, and I certainly don't care.

Michael:If I buy her lunch, she's gonna think I'm expecting something.

Michael:If I don't buy her lunch, she's gonna think I'm a cheapskate.

Michael:If I buy her a salad, she's gonna think I think she's fat.

Michael:If I buy her a cheeseburger, she's gonna think I'm trying to get her pregnant.

Michael:So, um, what do you say we get out of here and go back to my place?

Holly:Hell, yeah!

Dwight:Angela taught me so much. How to properly fold a fitted sheet. How to tell if produce is ripe just by looking at it. The existence of God.

Dwight:Angela has taught me the importance of things like... personal hygiene, basic manners, and not eating directly from the trash can at work.

Angela:Lettuce is fattening.

Michael:Okay, okay, okay. So we're going out tonight, right? And I'm thinking, why do we have to plan everything? Why can't we just be spontaneous? Why can't we just... go with the flow?

Michael:So I'm gonna do something crazy. I'm gonna spin this globe, and wherever my finger lands, that's where we're going. Ready?

Michael:WHOA! WHOA! Okay, okay, I'm doing it, I'm doing it, I'm feeling it, I'm feeling the spontaneity coursing through my veins right now!

Michael:Thank vous.

Holly:It's 'merci,' Michael.

Michael:I know what I said.

Michael:I can't find my keys. They're just... gone. I have no idea where they are.

Michael:I guess I'm just stuck here. Looks like I'll have to stay late and work on those reports that are due tomorrow.

Michael:Such a shame, really. I was really looking forward to going home and... not doing anything fun.

Michael:I mean, it's not like I'm avoiding Jan or anything. That would be ridiculous.

Michael:Holly, I think if we just turn down these dials, the cameras won't be able to hear us.

Holly:That's... that's not how this works, Michael.

Michael:No, no, I'm pretty sure it does. See? I'm turning it down.

Holly:You're just making it quieter for everyone watching.

Michael:Perfect. Now they can't hear anything we say.

Kevin:Wait, did anyone check if the surge protector was stolen?

Oscar:Kevin, someone stole a laptop.

Kevin:Yeah, but those surge protectors are like thirty bucks!

Dwight:A break-in. Probably around 2 AM. The perpetrator knew the layout of the building. They were familiar with our security protocols. Height: approximately 5'10". Build: athletic but not muscular. Shoes: size 11, possibly 12. They work alone. And they're left-handed.

Jim:How could you possibly know all that?

Dwight:I'm a student of the game, Jim.

Michael:Oh no, did we leave the office unlocked?

Holly:I don't know, why?

Michael:Because if we did, someone could have broken in and stolen everything. This is all because of us. Because we were together.

Holly:Michael, that's not—

Michael:No, no. These are the consequences of our love, Holly. This is what happens.

Jim:She left me this voicemail where she's like 'I'm not drunk,' and then it's just six minutes of her rambling about... I don't even know what.

Jim:Hey Pam, it's me. I got your voicemail. You said you were at Chili's with the girls, but actually you're at TGI Friday's. Also, you pronounced 'margarita' wrong—it's 'marga-REE-ta,' not 'marga-REE-tuh.' And when you said you'd 'love me forever,' that was really sweet. You're going to make an amazing mother someday.

Angela:I'm actually very good at screaming. I took a class.

Phyllis:You should give her an ultimatum, Dwight. That's what Bob did with me. He said, 'Either stop talking to your sister or we're done.'

Dwight:And what did you do?

Phyllis:Well, I'm still married to Bob, aren't I?

Creed:Whoever stole from me better watch their back. I know people. I've done things.

Creed:Actually, I just found out who it was. Some guy named Creed Bratton.

Creed:Never heard of him. But when I find him, he's gonna pay.

Michael:You know what Farm Aid was? Farms fighting AIDS. That's what we're doing here, but with crime.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. A fake sorority? That's not a real thing, is it?

Karen:No, it was a real sorority. We did charity auctions.

Michael:Oh, come on. No offense, but those aren't real sororities. Those are like, you know, made-up things for girls who couldn't get into real ones.

Michael:What if we did a slave auction? You know, like people bid on other people to do chores for them? We could raise a ton of money!

Michael:You know who's gonna come to this auction? Bruce Springsteen fans. They're crazy. They follow him around. They know every song. Every word. Every... I don't even know what they know. But they know it. And they'll pay for it. They'll pay a lot of money for a Bruce Springsteen... what are we selling? A guitar? A shirt? I don't even remember. But they'll want it. They want everything. These people, they're dedicated. You gotta respect that. Although, is that healthy? Following someone around like that? Is that... I mean, I follow people. Not like, physically follow them. But I'm aware of them. I know what they're doing. That's not weird, right?

Michael:I got Springsteen tickets for the auction. You know why? Because he's the Boss. And I'm the boss. And I'm a good boss. So it's like, we're both the Boss. It's perfect.

Dwight:Angela, you have to choose. It's me or Andy. And frankly, I don't see how this is even a choice. I'm a beet farmer, a volunteer sheriff's deputy, and I have a black belt in multiple martial arts. What does Andy have? A perfect pitch and the ability to annoy everyone in this office. The man is nothing but a singing buffoon.

Michael:C.R.I.M.E.A.I.D. stands for... Crimes... Reduce... Injuries... Making... Employees... Avoid... Injuries... Daily.

Michael:It's an acronym.

Toby:Michael claims Bruce Springsteen wrote 'I Will Follow You Into the Dark' by Death Cab for Cutie.

Toby:He also says Springsteen wrote 'Wonderwall' by Oasis.

Toby:And apparently 'Bitter Sweet Symphony' by The Verve.

Toby:But the worst one? He insists Randy Newman's 'Short People' is a Bruce Springsteen deep cut.

Michael:That's what she said.

Auctioneer:We have an auction item here. It's just listed as 'Creed.'

Creed:That's right. That covers everything.

Darryl:Some guy thought I was Donovan McNabb.

Jim:Well, you know, that's... that's a compliment. He's an excellent quarterback.

Michael:Kevin Brown, everyone. He's a fantastic accountant. Great with numbers. Very detail-oriented. Who wants to start the bidding at $500?

Michael:Nobody? Okay, $250?

Michael:Come on, people. He'll do your taxes. Very reasonably.

Michael:Do I hear $50?

Kevin:Michael, maybe we should just—

Michael:Sold! To nobody! For nothing!

Michael:Kevin, Kevin! Come back! We're not done yet!

Dwight:Phyllis, there's an emergency with your car in the parking lot. You need to go check on it right now.

Phyllis:What? What kind of emergency?

Dwight:I don't have time to explain. Just go!

Dwight:I let the air out of her tires.

Dwight:Well, I hope you're happy with yourself, Phyllis. You've made a grave mistake.

Phyllis:Oh please, Dwight. Your ultimatum didn't work.

Dwight:You're... you're a big fat jerk!

Roy:Is Pam engaged?

Jim:Yeah.

Roy:Wait, you're marrying Pam? I thought we were friends, man. You were supposed to be my friend!

Michael:Alright everyone, we've come to the main event of the evening. The item we've all been waiting for. I have lost the tickets.

Phyllis:I have something to auction.

Michael:No, you don't.

Michael:Wait, why are you bidding on your own wife's hug?

Bob:Well, I wanted to make sure I got it. You never know who might outbid you.

Phyllis:I would've given you a hug for free, Bob.

Bob:Yeah, but now it's official.

Michael:Going once, going twice! We've got 50, do I hear 60? 60, 70, 80, 90, 100! Going once, going twice, going three times!

Michael:Sold! SOLD! Going, going, boing boing boing! Chicka chicka bow wow! Meep meep meep!

Jim:Look, Roy, I'm not going to fight you. That's not who I am.

Roy:Oh, so you think you're better than me?

Jim:No, I just... I'm not going to do this. Not here, not now. It's not worth it.

Holly:Michael said he has Bruce Springsteen tickets. Now, Michael lies about a lot of things, so normally I wouldn't believe him. But he's also very convincing when he lies, so I do believe him. Except for this. I don't believe this.