Michael and Holly have sex for the first time, and Michael holds a fund-raiser for the office after it is burglarized. Dwight confides in Phyllis after Andy and Angela set a wedding date, and Jim runs into Pam's ex-fiancé Roy.
WAR
75.8
Wins Above Replacement
“Crime Aid” ranks #120 of 183 The Office episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 86.2 — Elite. The episode packs 79 scored jokes at 4.4 per minute, averaging 7.1 on craft and 6.8 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Creed: Creed's talking-head: 'Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.'
Creed Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dwight: She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism.
Dwight Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Bruce Springsteen impersonator / musician: Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. 3 of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People.
Jim · Roy: Jim casually tells Roy: 'She's engaged... to me.' — beat between 'engaged' and 'to me'
Jim Roy Character Comedy Awkward Silence ★ Rewatch Jim: The future mother of my children.
Jim Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Standout Moments
Dwight: She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism.
Dwight Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Creed: Creed's talking-head: 'Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.'
Creed Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Bruce Springsteen impersonator / musician: Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. 3 of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People.
All Jokes — 79 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Pam: I thought about selling a kidney, but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate.
Pam Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Pam: Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week.
Pam Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Callback Michael: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... You have sex.
Michael Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Michael: If she starts having sex with me, I'll know for sure.
Michael Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Jim · Dwight: - What are you making? - A knife. - You're making a knife with a knife? - You got a better way?
Jim · Dwight: You wanna talk about it? / About what? / You know I know. / You know they know. / I know none of that.
Jim Dwight Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Michael: Some of what we order depends on if we're having sex after.
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Callback Michael: Elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we're gonna have sex tonight?
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Callback Holly: Holly responds 'Hell yeah.' to Michael asking if they're having sex tonight
Holly Misdirection Character Comedy Callback Michael: 'Probably get soup or something light.' — Michael's post-'Hell yeah' date-food recalibration
Michael Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Callback Dwight · Jim: Presents on your birthday, preventative medicine. / - It's nice to learn new things. - I was talking to myself.
Dwight Jim Running Gag Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Jim · Pam (voice/implied): Why is she marrying Andy? / Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk.
Unnamed character · Another character: That's really fattening. / No, it's lettuce.
Michael · Holly: I'm a crazy 8. I'm crazy. / You're crazy. Go crazy.
Jim: Camera look / reaction beat after Holly and Michael go back for his 'keys.'
Jim Reaction Beat Visual Gag Michael: I didn't forget my keys. I just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras.
Michael Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy Callback Holly · Michael: Do you think they can hear us? / Not if we turn these dials all the way down. / Now they can't hear us at all. / Good. We're totally alone.
Holly Michael Meta/Self-Referential Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: Yes, that's correct. I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000.
Oscar · Kevin: Great, they stole my laptop. / Well, they stole my surge protector. / How does that even compare? / Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges.
Dwight: Bravo, Watson. / Looks like a classic 7-men job. / Security tapes were stolen. Motives, financial. Or possibly vintage HP computer collectors.
Dwight Character Comedy Absurdist Michael · Dwight: That wasn't us, right? You remembered to lock the doors? / No, did you? / Michael, I think this is our fault.
Michael: Oh, no. / No, my god! My god. / So much for sex without consequences.
Michael Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Callback Holly: Holly calls Michael a dork: 'You are such a dork!'
Holly Character Comedy Reaction Beat Jim: So apparently Pam went out last night and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning. I'm on minute six of this message.
Jim Character Comedy Observational Jim: You can take the girl out of Philly. / Scranton.
Jim Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jim: The future mother of my children.
Jim Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Holly · Michael: I never felt safe here. / You're always safe with me. I'm a very good screamer.
Michael · Holly: And one day, we're gonna move to Disney's celebration village in Florida and leave all of this behind. / I would very much like that.
Dwight: Dwight's mysterious 'Get in.' — pulling up in a car or vehicle to apparently take action on the Angela situation
Dwight Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Phyllis · Dwight: Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. / It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.
Phyllis: Wait, this isn't our floor, Dwight.
Phyllis Reaction Beat Character Comedy Michael: How's everyone doing? My door is always open if anyone wants to talk.
Michael Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Oscar: I don't want to talk. I want my laptop back.
Oscar Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Creed: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.
Creed Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Michael: I'm calling it Crime Aid. It's like Farm Aid. But instead of farms fighting against aids, it is us fighting against our own poverty.
Michael: Was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own?
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Michael: We'll auction off people, like in the olden days.
Michael Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Oscar: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. Who would ever come to this?
Oscar Observational Deadpan/Understatement Michael: It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo.
Michael: Michael's long rambling non-sequitur about Bruce Springsteen ending in 'I think it is very apparent... There's a point there. But what is the point?' followed by 'Do you need us for any of this? / Do I?'
Holly: Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets. The boss scored the boss. I think that's pretty boss. He knows how to get things. He got me.
Holly Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Holly: Holly's awkward camera look after Michael's 'Sorry. Twice. Right?' — implying she's been embarrassed by him twice already this morning
Holly Reaction Beat Cringe/Discomfort Dwight: Listen to me close cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me. Or you can say goodbye to this.
Dwight Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Callback Angela · Dwight: I think you have me confused with another person. / I said I was only gonna say it once.
Dwight · Angela: You have until 6:14 P.M. / 6:14. / I heard you. / Pump it up!
Michael: And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. / Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry, I Declare.
Michael Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Callback Michael: It is not known how many office robberies occur every second, cause there is no wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics.
Michael Character Comedy Observational Michael: Michael auctions Holly's yoga lesson starting at $300, calling it 'very boss indeed,' and then immediately bids and wins at $300 himself
Michael Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Michael: Sold for $300 to me! / What the hell is that? / It's the only gavel I could find. It squeaks when you bang it. That's what she said.
Michael: Darryl and the boys in the hood in the warehouse have graciously donated... go out for a beer with them right now.
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Michael · Jim: You know what? I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm gonna start the bidding cause this is something that I've dreamt of. / Mike, you can't do this. It's conflict of interest. / $5. / Sold to Jim!
Michael · Creed: Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. / It just says Creed. / Yeah, that's all-inclusive.
Darryl · Roy: She thought I was McNabb. / I can see that.
Darryl Roy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Kevin: I'm Kevin. And I'll do your taxes. / Kevin the taxman. / Federal and state.
Kevin Character Comedy Absurdist Michael: You know what? I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage.
Michael Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Michael: We are getting there folks. Slow and steady.
Michael Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm David Wallace · Attendee: I'd like to auction off a weekend at my place in Martha's Vineyard. / $100. / Great.
Dwight: Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick.
Dwight Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Phyllis: Why couldn't you just said it? Why did you actually do it?
Phyllis Reaction Beat Character Comedy Callback Dwight: I just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us.
Dwight Character Comedy Misdirection Dwight: I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. You're just being selfish.
Dwight Character Comedy Absurdist Dwight: And you slap like a girl.
Dwight Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dwight: What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me.
Dwight Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Jim · Roy: Jim casually tells Roy: 'She's engaged... to me.' — beat between 'engaged' and 'to me'
Jim Roy Character Comedy Awkward Silence ★ Rewatch Jim: She's engaged... to me.
Jim Misdirection Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jim · Roy: Last night, she was out with her friends till like, 8:00 A.M. / What?
Jim Roy Character Comedy Misdirection Roy: I am going to see Pam. Because... I feel like I should.
Roy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Michael: Has anyone seen an envelope with Bruce Springsteen front row tickets and backstage passes? / Do you want us to look for them? / No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and they're gone forever.
Michael Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Michael: That was the last good item. So... good job, everybody.
Michael Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Michael · Bob Vance · Unnamed character: Well, Phyllis, nobody really wants a hug, so. / I'll bid on a hug. / She's your wife, you idiot.
Michael · Bob Vance · Others: The Phyllis hug bidding war: escalating from $300 to $350 to $400 to $500, with 'and one penny' added each round, culminating in '$1 million' then settling at $1,000.
Jim: No. You know what? No. Because... I'm not that guy. And... we are not that couple.
Jim Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray... kind of a gray area in terms of whether I had them.
Michael Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Holly: The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. / But a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. / So far it's all true. / But yeah, those tickets really seemed too good to be true.
Holly Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Kevin: Kevin's talking-head: 'The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. So far it's all true. But yeah, those tickets really seemed too good to be true.'
Kevin Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Unnamed character: No. I did not know that Michael was dating Holly.
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