Goodbye, Michael

Michael:Michael narrates about moving to Colorado, 'just up here getting used to the altitude' while presumably doing something mundane in the office

Dwight · Michael:Dwight reveals the 'Rocky Mountain oysters' he fed Michael are bull testicles he 'cut off fresh this morning'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'After what you did, you expect to be buttled?' / Dwight: 'After you didn't recommend me?'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'I was just thinking maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket... in order to feed the bears.'

Dwight:Dwight's escalating bear lecture: 'Black bears can smell a salami at five miles... they run faster than a horse. So if you were thinking about outrunning them on a horse, I would try a cheetah.'

Dwight:'You in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a black bear.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael: 'Okay, so no salami in the pants. How about a pepperoni?' / Dwight: 'Any kind of meat you can possibly name.'

Jim · Michael:Jim tells Michael he doesn't have a desk to put his toys on since he has no job lined up, then casually asks if he can have Michael's toy truck

Michael:Michael confessional: 'I don't leave till tomorrow, so tomorrow I will be a wreck.'

Gabe · Erin:Gabe confronts Erin: 'I've seen some horrible things. I own over 200 horror movies.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight spots Jim in the hallway and says only 'Hi, Tuna.' — Jim's reaction to camera

Kevin:Kevin, apparently caught on camera going to the bathroom, says 'You guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now?'

Michael:'The dream team and Meredith.' — said after listing Angela, Phyllis, and Pam as the 'dream team' party planners

Michael · Angela · Phyllis · Pam:Michael says he wants vanilla ice cream so 'everybody will like it' after being told mint chocolate chip is his favorite

Michael:Michael's talking head: Shows the mug he bought himself, then the 'World's Best Boss' mug that was given to him (implied). 'I still need something to drink out of, though.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael builds up to a 20-year secret about Phyllis: 'When Phyllis was in high school, she was so cute.' Long pause. 'And she still is.'

Pam · Michael:Pam presents Michael with nearly-unfinished mittens that cannot be wet, dry-cleaned, or hand-washed with water — the instructions making them effectively un-cleanable

Michael:Michael: 'Sounds great. I just think it's great.' — accepting the unwearable mittens with complete sincerity

Michael · Stanley:Michael gives Stanley his 'felt' — a single piece of felt — saying 'may you never lose the fun-loving quality in life'

Stanley:Stanley: 'Where's the rest of it? It's got no balls.'

Michael · Andy:Michael gives Andy his top 10 client accounts, saying Andy 'needs confidence that he is a great salesman' — Andy immediately says 'You know I'm the worst salesman here, right?'

Michael · Andy:Michael: 'But you're the best salesman on the inside.' Andy: 'What does that even mean?' Michael: 'You sold us all on Andy. A product that nobody wanted.'

Dwight:Dwight confessional continues: 'I used to be obese. Once you've conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion.'

Dwight:Dwight confessional: 'I'm not saying I'm Superman, but let me just put it this way — if I were shot in the head, I'm pretty sure everything would be fine. I almost welcome it.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael gives Kevin a gift — a caricature of Kevin. Reacts with recognition, then Michael tears it up saying 'Don't be a caricature, Kevin. Never be a caricature.'

Michael · Kevin:Michael to Kevin: 'You will be thin. You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. You will find love.'

Michael · Kevin:Kevin: 'Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now.' Michael: 'Don't be. You should never settle for who you are.'

Andy · Michael · Oscar:Andy bursts in to interrupt Michael's moment with Oscar: 'Michael, I just lost Porter Hardware!'

Michael · Oscar:Michael gives Oscar a 'Scarecrow' diploma he made by hand — Oscar's talking head: 'It looks like it was made by a two-year-old monkey on a farm.'

Oscar:Oscar's confessional, moved despite himself: 'And he just... he just accepted it... that I put all this work into it. He has the lowest opinion of me of anybody.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael to Oscar: 'Was it just me, or did you think we were gonna have sex at some point?' Oscar: 'It was just you.' Michael: 'How would you have wanted to do it?'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar showing pictures of the senator 'antiquing... rollerblading.' — Then: 'Who's that guy? / Oh, that's Thomas, Robert's aide.' — Long pause.

Michael · Pam:Michael, asked where to send his last paycheck, says Holly's parents live in 'Mountainton, I think.'

Michael:Michael walks out after a sales call, stops to tell someone 'Walk away, bitch' — apparently to no one obvious, startling the moment.

Pam:Pam's deadpan response to 'Mountainton': 'Sounds beautiful.'

Phyllis · Kevin · Jim:The shredder conversation: Phyllis says it won't shred magazines. Kevin says he knows it's not supposed to. Jim: 'Did you break the shredder, Kevin?' Kevin: 'No. It's just that old shredder sucks.'

Michael:Michael's sudden existential crisis about moving: 'All the channels are gonna be different there. I'm not gonna be able to find my shows. I'm not going to start improv at level one.'

Michael:'I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote.' — delivered as a major concern about moving to Colorado

Michael · Holly:Michael calls Holly to confirm their town name and hears her voice doing a bit: 'Is something wrong? Are you okay?' Holly: 'No. Just needed to hear your voice.' Holly: 'Oh, you mean this?' [does a voice]

Holly:Holly (on phone): 'My mom's looking at me like she has no sense of humor. It's a joke.'

Toby · Michael:Toby: 'Well, you know, Michael, I have a brother in Boulder. Rory Flenderson. You should look him up.' — extended pause as Michael ignores this completely.

Michael · Kelly:Michael gives Kelly a goodbye: 'Kelly? If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift I could give you?' Kelly: 'Yes, please. Please go away and stop using that weird, slow voice.'

Michael · Andy:Michael's transfer of Erin to Andy: 'She was once my girl, and she is your girl now.'

Andy · Erin:Andy: 'You're not prone to seizures?' — apropos of nothing, to Erin

Angela · Pam:Angela warning about bringing Meredith onto the party planning committee: 'You can't let a street dog into the house.' Then: 'Let's hear her out.'

Meredith · Angela:Meredith's erotic cake feminist defense: 'The women on these cakes, they're not just guys' fantasies. They have real, full women. It is refreshing.' / Angela: 'Don't turn this into some feminist issue.' / Meredith: 'As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it just feels good to be represented on one.'

Erin:Erin: 'I think we should do cupcakes. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.'

Angela · Pam:Angela to Pam: 'We don't really care about your opinion. You're just a tie-breaker.'

Gabe · Erin:Gabe: 'Someday, you are going to tell our grandchildren about how their grandfather won you back in a women's room.'

Toby · Michael:Toby tries to connect Michael with his brother in Boulder: Toby: 'Does he like jams? My shelves are overflowing with preserves.' Michael: 'Well, no, he hates jams.'

Michael · Darryl:Michael gives Darryl his only copy of 'Somehow I Manage' — a chapter called 'Gum' with one sentence: 'Everybody likes the guy who offers them a stick of gum.'

Darryl:Darryl: 'Mmm-hmm. It's true.' — about the gum sentence

Michael · Darryl:Michael asks to use the warehouse baler as his last wish. Darryl says no. Michael says 'Darryl said I could use the baler because I'm leaving.' Darryl: 'No.'

Michael:Michael says goodbye to the warehouse workers: 'Catch you on the flippety-flip.' — repeated 5+ times as he can't bring himself to leave

Jim:Jim's camera look/reaction as the 'flippety-flip' extends beyond all reasonable limits

Michael · Andy:Michael's sales pitch approach with Andy: 'Okay, what's our approach? You a veteran? Do I have a month to live? You gonna get married tomorrow?' Andy: 'I thought we'd just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality.'

Michael · Andy:Michael: 'That's stupid. Well, what do I know? I know. What do you know?'

Michael · Andy:Michael, looking for a way to 'get psyched up': 'Is there an animal shelter on the way?' Andy: 'Yeah.' Michael: 'Awesome! Ani-ani-shelto. Here we come.'

Andy · Michael:Andy: 'Do you know how to high-five?' Michael: 'Yeah.' Andy: 'Cause if you do, now's the time.' Michael: '...Not while I'm driving.'

Deangelo · Michael:Deangelo's story of how he got his job: 'Walking along, out of work, again... I see this guy trying to steal this lady's dog. So I grab the dog, he runs off. She's so grateful, she hires me.' — then he re-enacts it dramatically with Michael

Erin:Erin, on choosing between Gabe and Andy: 'I wish I knew who my birth mother was so she could just tell me who to choose.'

Erin · Kevin · Andy:Kevin walks by; Erin: 'Kevin?' / Kevin: 'Andy.' — Erin mistook Kevin for a romantic option

Andy · Erin:Andy gives Erin a heartfelt speech ending with: 'you are beautiful, and you are fun, and you are smart... you don't need a mom, because you have my number and you can call me anytime. Extension 147.'

Michael:Michael calls an emergency conference meeting to ask about (1) Pam's whereabouts, and (2) whether Phyllis has finished his mittens

Dwight · Michael:Dwight reads Michael's letter of recommendation aloud: 'To whom it may concern.' Then: 'The dictionary defines superlative as...' Dwight: 'If I wanted the dictionary definition, I'd buy a dictionary.'

Dwight:Dwight reads 'Lots more like that. Really repetitive.' — a note apparently written in the letter itself acknowledging its own repetitiveness.

Michael · Dwight:The paintball sequence — Michael and Dwight shooting at each other, laughing, Dwight takes a hit ('Ow!') — pure physical comedy joy inferred from the action markers.

Michael:Michael's rapid-fire triple goodbye: 'Whether you're scared of dying, or dying alone, or dying drunk in a ditch, don't be. It's going to be okay.'

Michael · Gabe:Michael to Gabe: 'A little cover-up on your Adam's apple will make it appear smaller, which will make you look less like a transvestite.'

Jim:Jim's reaction: 'That is cold, sir. Absolutely cold.' — then: 'It was a complete waste of my time.' (about his visit to the client with Michael)

Deangelo:Deangelo apologizes for Michael's behavior at the client meeting: 'I could tell you that he has a steel plate in his head, or that he's crazy, but the truth is, I think he's just a terrible salesman.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael: 'Power through the arthritis, Phyllis. You can do it.'

Michael:Michael introduces 'Ping' — his offensive Asian character — to the whole office as a 'special guest' farewell

Jim · Michael:Jim tells Michael he wants to take him out for lunch tomorrow — his last day. Then catches himself: 'You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today, right?'

Michael:Michael: 'T-shirt idea. Goodbyes stink.'

Michael · Jim:Michael begins a formal, emotional goodbye to Jim ('James Halpert... you started with this company as a fine young man') — Jim cuts it off: 'I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.'

Jim:Jim confessional after Michael leaves: 'Best boss I ever had.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael finds Phyllis still knitting his unfinished mittens; she says 'Oh, they're still not done.' Michael examines them: 'Nice try. I love them.'

Michael:Michael's final confessional: 'The people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends.' — followed by: 'I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?'

Dwight · Pam:Pam's airport scene — entirely visual/implied from Dwight's report: she ran to the airport to say goodbye, and we learn 'he was full of hope... hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member... excited to see Holly'

Deangelo:Deangelo: 'Well, if he's not gonna make it, at least we should go ahead and eat the cake.' — then aggressively eats cake, then self-recrimination spiral